How can I cope with my elderly mother?

Follow
Share

I retired in the USA and traveled to Santiago Chile to be with my 87 years old mother. I was never disrespectful to my mother now at 60 I find myself arguing, yelling and saying not pleasant comments to her. No matter what I do she does not like it; painting the walls, fixing the parquet floor and celebrating her bday. I don't like the food, the perfume (Armani) the flowers. Accordingly to her I threw away her valuable things (old plastic bags). She was like that before but now it is a chronic situation. She tells me hurtful things, she wants me out of the house. One of her comments was I am trying to figured out how I can leave you with out inheritance. She hides things from me like the tea I brought. Physically has pushed me out of the house. My mother is very independent, she administrates her rentals and does all her accounts. I thought about buying my own home so I can still be here. She refused to sign some papers in order for me applied for a subsidize program. It has been depressing for me. I find myself hating her she has never been a nurturing mother now is worse.

Find Care & Housing
9

Answers

Show:
Thank you again for your words! They are very helpful and encouraging to continue with responsibilities. I asked my mother to travel back to the State with me, spend Summer over there and come in three months. She does not want to. I need to go back to take care of my house and things. I want to come back in three and four month...because she is completely alone in Chile, but she told me NOT TO COME BACK TO HER HOUSE. Mothers' Day is coming and I am feeling strange about that.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to VAVYCITA
Report

Very important to separate feelings from facts. If you are meeting reasonable responsibilities, then you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to rovana
Report

Vavycita, guilt is another emotion we caregivers battle. It's often hard to find a balance between what we can do and we feel obligated to do.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to GardenArtist
Report

Thank you Garden Artist! I became emotional by reading your words. Its true she makes me feel guilty every time I am gone for the weekends. Yes, I am trying to ignore her hurtful words, thinking that is her age and is part of aging.
Thank you again I know now I am not alone!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to VAVYCITA
Report

Vavycita, I think FF is right that your mother is losing her independence, and she's probably unsettled, perhaps frightened, but definitely uncomfortable and taking it out on you.

If you return to the states, she will still blame you, for leaving her. And you will feel guilty.

I think you've entered a caregiving stage that has no perfect, or sometimes even good, answers or choices.

This is when we have heart to heart talks with ourselves and try to find a happy medium of doing as much as we can while maintaining our self respect and self confidence. And that happy medium is elusive, and changes as our parent journeys toward the end of life and we in our own journeys accompany them, sometimes struggling as much as they do but for different reasons.

Know that you're walking a path that is well worn.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to GardenArtist
Report

You are right!!! but then I will feel guilty because she will be completely alone and what about if something happened?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to VAVYCITA
Report

If she is independent, why not move back to the States. Seems to me she doesn't want you there. Why torture yourself?
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

Thank you so much for your advised and listening to me! My mother is very independent, she walks every where in the city, Santiago. She goes to the market. Everyday she goes out. In the last 6 months I noticed she has not been visiting the rentals. She told me to take over, but when I do or fix things in the rentals, she says that I needed to let her know. She complaints that I used to much hot water so I went to my cousin to do laundry. She made a big scene because accordingly to her I was acting like a victim in front of my cousin. I am wrong if I do it or if I don't. When my brother was visiting she was going over the board doing things for him. She gave him money. On the contrary she accused me that I stole money and I stole the properties' titles. I do not believe she has an infection. I will observe If I say something she will very upset.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to VAVYCITA
Report

vavycita, sounds like maybe your Mom isn't happy that she is getting older, as she is slowly losing her independence. She can't do things like she use to do, and when she tries she becomes very tired. She's had a long life.

Your Mom will be snippy to you, she wants to vent to someone. She wants you take fix things with her health that no one can fix. Our calendars only go in one direction.

I am amazed that your Mom can still do the accounting required for her rental properties. Is she still able to visit those properties, and does she do the fixing or hires someone. I assume hires. Maybe the people she use to hire have retired and finding good help isn't easy for her. Maybe her pride doesn't allow her to ask for help with the rentals.

At first I was thinking dementia, but since she can manage her rental properties, then it isn't that. At her age, I wonder if she has an Urinary Tract Infection as that can make an older person very grumpy and not user-friendly. Take Mom to her local doctor, the test is very easy [peeing in a cup]. The treatment is usually antibiotics.

Try to overlook what Mom is saying, try to think of it as silly talk. Try agreeing with what she says [even if you don't agree], just to throw her train of thinking in a different direction.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to freqflyer
Report

Related
Questions