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Me and my husband both have 2 daughters still at home. One just turned 18 and the other just turned 20. I have 4 older children that are grown and married and he has an older son that is married. We have been married 8 yrs and she did not speak to her son [or me] the first 5 years of our marriage. I had only met her once before then. I am now her full time caregiver, in our home. When the girls come home no matter when, she has something rude or advice to give them. If me or my husband try to have a conversation with them [parenting] she has a melt down and tells us all that we need to control our children. This is coming from a mother that ran off and left her 2 young teenage sons with a not so good dad because they were having issues. I can't take her in our business any more and my daughter and his daughter are trying to stay civil with her but we are all at the end of our patience with her. We also know that she can't control her life so she is trying to control something. Please Help!

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Just been trying to catch up quickly.

Well. A month ago you described that MIL had moved into your home and you were planning to adapt her home and move everyone there, and we all squealed and said don't do it.

So, are we still looking for short term band aids, as in how do you all not go insane until you get a better care plan sorted out? Or... what?

The thing is, you say you and your husband - presumably your young adult daughters too - understand that your MIL has dementia. But do you, really, understand what that means, as in really grasp it? She is not able to change. And there she is in your home. So... I just don't know what you're hoping anyone can say.
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Just read your profile. You quit your job to stay home and care for your demented MIL who you'd met once before.

Seems like your parenting is going to need to take place out of her earshot.  Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? Meltdowns are a symptom of agitation, possibly, and it sounds as though there are lifelong mental health issues which should be assessed.

What plans are you making to get her into a care facility?
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Your MIL is only 72 years old!! Do you know how long this can go on?? You need to change the way things are done- NOW. An immediate step is to NOT have discussion in front of her. Isn't there a way to separate your discussion from the room she is in??
Wherever she is, try to keep it calm, dementia has enough anxiety. AND ditto on 'how did you ever wind up with her in your home?' AND you quit your job? Lots of things to rethink here!
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You know you are forfeiting your own retirement benefits by giving up your life to care for MIL? That she walked away from your husband many years ago shows her true colors, look up narcissist in the dictionary, dementia only makes people lose memory, personality and character are for keeps. My dad gets worse by the week, he had to go to Assisted Living as it was where he would get his needs met, his choices gave him his wants all of his life and the consequences of that are he only gets needs met now.
Broke my heart but, better then breaking my loving home and my dear family.

Get her into a care facility that will meet her needs, it is the kindest, most loving thing to do for your family.
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How on earth did you end up taking care of someone who wouldn't even speak to you until three years ago?
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And you wound up with her in your home, because ... ?

We need more information to be able to respond.
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You have the option of calling
APS and telling them you were forced under emergency conditions to take her home and you can not continue to care for her and she is alone, hospital said no living alone not you. They will help you know what options are available to her, no one can make you take or keep a parent or anyone else for that matter. They will try to guilt you, force you and push you into keeping her. Don't fall for it, tell them under no uncertain terms that she must go and ask how you do it, where do you take her, drop off at ER or what? This does not make you bad people, allowing her to destroy your happy home when you have other options, well that could be seen as being a martyr or something else. Your hands are tied by choice, you do have options. Please take the time to figure them out now so if things get worse you are not dealing with it in the middle of a crisis. I pray that you receive much wisdom for this journey.
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When she is admitted to hospital, they say "she cannot go to her home to live alone" - then YOU say, "She cannot come into our home - it is unsafe because we cannot care for her properly. It would be an unsafe discharge." They cannot do an unsafe discharge so then hospital social worker must work to find her a placement. Next time she is admitted to hospital, then they have custody and are "stuck" with her. Don't let your home life be destroyed. Dementia patients get worse, but they can live many years. At 72, she may well outlive you.
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My thoughts exactly. Why is she there!
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I saw in your profile that your MIL has Alz/dementia. My mother, too. And she drives my kids crazy also. As much as I'd like to, I can't get her to change. I can only try my best to keep my kids away from her as much as possible.

I tried to enroll her in a local Adult Day Care so that she could spend time away from home and give us a break. But she didn't want to. Grrrr. Maybe your MIL would be more agreeable if you could find her an Adult Day Care. I think she has to be low income to qualify. Don't quote me on that though. There are many activities to keep the elderly busy. And she can expend all her criticism on the other seniors before she comes back home.

When my mother goes to my kids' room, they pretend to sleep so that she would leave them alone. If your girls put on headphones and pretend to listen to music, or pretend to talk on their phones, will your MIL leave them alone?

A drastic suggestion would be to move her somewhere else, like Assisted Living facility. This is not always feasible. Not in my situation.
I read a post where someone has his elderly father living in a trailer on their property so they can keep an eye on him, but still have their own space. That would be a nice option.
Believe me. I know exactly what you're going through. It drives me insane sometimes. Wish I know of better ways.
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