Mother is 94 in assisted living. My husband had stage 4 prostate cancer. I cannot do anything right. I have a panic attack every time I go to see her. This past month she has attacked me, my husband, my daughter and even her 2 year old great grand daughter because she says MINE all the time. Today I came and said we would like to bring her a meal from her favorite Czech restaurant and I suggested we eat in a common area because my husband cannot balance a styrofoam tray on his lap because his hands shake. She said the place is too dark which is untrue and we should get her something and we can eat at the restaurant. I said the whole point is that we eat together. She said we don't really want to. She is so nice to strangers....I am at the end of my rope and I wish God would take all our suffering....I need HELP from you who understand so well....I am the only child also.

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You definitely need to take care of your husband now. If she doesn’t have dementia then you can tell her that your husband needs your attention right now and you will be taking care of him.
If she does have dementia it really won’t matter because she’s not
going to understand or remember. She is 94. She has had her life
and you need to take care of yours. I know this from experience.
My husband had prostate cancer while I was taking care of my dad. You owe your husband your attention right now. We are not
promised tomorrow!
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Thank you for your feed back. I will definately try that
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Dear D, your bio says Mom suffers from depression. Is she also having signs of dementia? If it is just the depression, is she seeing a therapist? (One used to visit my Mom's assisted living facility for the woman across the hall. )
As you will read on these threads, sometimes (difficult as it is) you have to walk away for the moment. "Mom, I'm sorry you don't want to join us in the common area. But we have this special food and we will be sitting in there to eat. Come and join us if you change your mind." Be consistent. When my daughter was treated for depression the therapists told us not to cajole her into doing things. Ask and if she says no, we were told to go about our activity without her.
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You have a full plate with your husband with a stage 4 cancer. I think perhaps you need to detach from mom right now and take care of your husband and yourself.

Mom is in a facility because she needs a higher level of care than can be given by non-professionals. If you feel the need to, tell the social worker at the facility that you need to take a month off from visiting and why. Send mom a greeting card each week.

But take care of your dear husband and YOU. Please!!!!
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