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Grandma-in-law is who I care for. Her kids (only 1 of them honestly) help very little I got really frustrated 1 day and basically said it's her or me. Sadly he said he will not choose. We have been together almost 13 years I'm almost 2yrs into caring for her and take good enough care of her I think I'm actually gonna make her live longer😧 I believe he really thinks this is something I'm gonna do till the day she dies which will include NEVER going anywhere when she eventually becomes bedridden(yrs away yet) I have a 12 yr old and a 6 yr old. I feel depressed almost half the days of a month having to drag her EVERYWHERE. I can't take it. I love him but I don't have it in me to do 10 more yrs I wish my own health would fail for the sweet release of death(I'm only 37 smh) but I know it won't any time soon and by the time she goes and I CAN enjoy life I think it will have all been sucked out. She's needy demanding and worries more about her dog than her self on top of the fact he tells me to just let her do whatever she wants. I told him today he cares more about her than anyone else I get well if THATS how u feel maybe we shouldn't be together feels like a guilt trip honestly and I don't want to tear apart my family plus the fact I have nowhere to go (dad's past 10 yrs ago don't talk to mom and I don't have a car of my own to live with sis). I feel so s*** right now I feel trapped and I don't think he would want to separate just for the simple fact there is nobody he can depend on to care for her. Insurance won't cover in home care (even for a few hrs) I had her Dr check on it. I am filled with self pity and that makes it worse. What should I do?? Fyi she has brain damage, dementia (from tbi,and being a drunk for 40 yrs) low bp,anxiety, depression.

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Thanks, Staceyb and Veronica. We maiden ladies are a bit thick about that sort of thing.
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Veronica, I understood your post regarding the rekindling of their "love life", as a strengthening of their marriage, not as a " punishment ", but then I've gotten to know you on this site, and know that you are always well meaning in every situation!!!
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meallen, i take your point. i was not using sex as a reward but an encouragement.

Thanks CM sorry Gma!
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I am not married, but I find the idea of having to reward your husband with sex for caring for his mother deeply disturbing. In your situation, I would want to do all the laying out of options with a therapist or family mediator present.
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It's the OP's MIL who is the drinker, not Grandma.
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Is Gma's income low enough for her to apply for Medicare? That may free up some money for outside help so you could have at least one day off each week.
What is your level of education? Would you like to improve it or learn a trade like cosmetology so you could be more independent.
Getting relief from Gma seems to be the main issue. She is only 75 and sounds fairly healthy at present. As she is an alcoholic the dementia likely stems from that and her liver is probably in poor shape which may take her sooner rather than latter.
Splitting up the family will probably create more problems than it will solve so at least for now try and hang in there. Is there any possibility of the two of you getting away for a night or two occasionally to rekindle your love life. I am sure hubby feels very neglected and unappreciated at present. if he had some rewards to look forward to he might just might be more considerate at home. keep comming back here many people face your same problems and are very happy to share. You can send a private message to anyone you feel may be especially helpful to you.
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How much money has your husband paid to the man who did not own the property he was claiming to sell? And how long has that situation been going on? It's possible the guy is guilty of fraud, you could consider asking the police. But in any case, don't underestimate the amount of stress being ripped off in that way has put into the mix - and that just ratchets up all the other stressors. Park that one.

Next. Write down on a big piece of paper:
Grandma's income;
Your and your husband's income;
The value of grandma's house and any other assets.
That is how much money there is for the family, as a unit, to play with. There may be better ways to use the resources you have, such as hiring in help. Have a good look at the family budget.

Do you work outside the home? Did you before? Would you like to?
That might increase both the family's total income and your weight in discussions.

Next topic: grandma's needs. NOBODY is proposing that she should be abandoned by her family. It sounds as if one difficulty you might be having when you try to get your husband to talk about all this is that he instantly gets the horrors over the idea of chucking this lovely lady under a bus and stops thinking. But if you put Grandma's care as #1 priority, just maybe he'll engage his brain for a bit longer. Maybe for long enough to see that there is a whole range of possibilities to think about. It's not a stark choice between you care for grandma until either she dies or you break down on the one hand, or walking out on grandma and leaving her to her fate on the other.

There are all kinds of issues he's just not seeing. And for me, the most serious is the question of what happens to grandma and to the children if you fall apart? Two years of this without respite - too right you're near breaking point, too right it can't go on.

I hope sharing has already made you breathe a little easier? Now to get your husband to do some more serious talking and thinking. There will be a way forward, have faith! Hugs.
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I have been trying to be more hands off once.he gets home I am going to keep at it too whether he likes it or not😁
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Watch family feud not family died lmao
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I get a break once in a while but usually only for 2 hrs and im finally starting to unwind after 2 hrs i would love to take a vaca we went in summer of 16 to Tennessee with the girls 5nights 6 days it was lovely i didn't want to come home lol it is just so overwhelming being sole caregiver so much responsibility and worry because if I screw up then what? What if she gets I'll will I be blamed? Or falls,AGAIN? Her other kids don't visit and are more pi**ed that they aren't getting a piece of the pie when she dies when in reality they ate the whole damn pie(except the house which WAS up for sale when she moved in with us) before she moved in with us ma owes us this ma owes us that like because she gave birth to them and wasn't the greatest mom in the world she OWES them. Well who exactly is do I g the sacrificing now??? Not them they live their life they dont have to drag their 75yr old mom EVERYWHERE n listen to her bi*** when I want to socialize with our friends(we like being outside having a couple beers so long as she is safe and warm what is the harm really) plus our friends love her and call her gram also shes made to feel welcome gets stimulation and its not healthy for her to sit in her recliner and what family died ALL DAY EVERYDAY I have my own little pity party too often some days and antidepressants well my sex drive is suffering enough with my situation as it is lol so no thank you! I don't know anymore but it does feel great to just dump it all out here like a weight is being lifted. Thank you all for listening and giving me advice!!!
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Corner him and say that he has to be a hell of a lot more involved now and now has to choose. The choice of destroying his and your children and your marriage isn't a choice he has. And state what his options are but he is going to have to be more involved. You are his wife, not his or his grandmother's slave.
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Could you take a week or two 'vacation' to a friend's house and let your husband see how much work it really is taking care of grandma when it is all left to just him. Most people think taking care of an elder means making them lunch and helping them out of a chair. Does he care for her when he gets home from work? I'd certainly go off the clock the second he steps through the door.
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Initially she moved in with us in our home we were trying buy on article of agreement only to find after gma moved in the jerk used property to get a half million dollar loan so there was no way we would get the title till HIS loan was paid we don't have the mo ey for an attorney to sue the bastard so..... anyway gma owns her home and had willed it to hubby and his mom it's 1 story 2 baths and she had lived there 40+ yrs it was a no brainer, tell the guy we were "buying" our home from let us out of the sham agreement or else and move. She's safe here (No trekking up stairs for a shower) and she familiar with the place so this where we are. He won't abandon her she got him a second chance at life when he was a teen when the rest of his family abandoned him and she's really the closest thing this man has to a real mother his is a selfish drunk so......here we are
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It seems that every day there are new posts on here from someone trying to defend not providing all or the majority of care for a loved one. I'm so sorry for you; your husband should be your primary advocate. But I get it; family dynamics are never easily resolved. In the interest of peace, I say keep talking, have suggestions (adult day care just to give you a break?), and look here and to friends and your own family, if possible, for support. My prayers will be for some relief for you and your children.
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You live in Gmainlaw's home, correct? Why can't your family move out?
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If I read your question correctly, you are caring for your grandmother-in-law? Your husband doesn’t help? No one helps? You say your hubby is in denial about what his grandma needs and tells you to just leave her alone. It’s a temptation to tell you to just leave her alone then. How did you come to have to be responsible for her? Does anyone have a power of attorney?

If I were you, I would I unvolunteer from this responsibility. You have a husband and young children and they need you. Does she live with you? If not then stop going to her house. Tell your husband it’s up to him to figure something out.
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