I am the caregiver for a previous caregiver who won't set boundaries, how do I draw the line?

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In the fall my mother handed over the keys to her car to me in an agreed arrangement that I would drive for her. She has a plethora of issues that have impacted her health and can barely walk. This arrangement is fine, we work together to make plans so that they are sensible and don't wear her out. The problem is that mom used to be grandma's caregiver (an "independent," living in her own home, nine-decader). I told mom that when I became her driver I could NOT extend the errands/rides to grandma. Mom was not the sole caregiver. There are others who drive grandma. In the years leading up to mom temporarily giving up driving I watched as the lack of boundaries wore away and impacted her health. I even told her I thought grandma's demands and emotional exaustion were damaging her. I am certain that the stress is not helping here and now. Technically, my grandma is in better health than my mother. Mom is incapable of disconnecting as a caregiver even though she struggles to get out the car herself. Grandma insists that 'mom' drive her once a month to an appointment--that translates to me. Now, I already drive my mother to her own doctors appointments, groceries, bank, shopping trips, med pick ups... this is a LOT over the month. But again, I am fine with mom's needs--she works with me to make sure it's as convenient as possible. I work with her to get these in around running my business from home.

The demand from grandma comes through communication with my mom (who is struggling to track things through medication and fibro-fog). Grandma makes appointments and doesn't arrange rides, she expects the family to just be able to do it whenever the heck she needs one. She calls and it's "You're doing it." She does this to my mom. Who then calls me. I was busy for two of these months, and STILL ended up having to run grandma. This caused a serious upset between mom and I. Mom told me with grandma I could say no and she would honor that. Well, she won't honor that. The boundary issue is being violated across two generations here. When mom and I talked she got upset because she's stuck with grandma yelling at her until she gets her way, a condition that has been enabled for decades. The option of calling public transportation is out. Grandma insists it be family. She has memory issues, and this means often she thinks she made arrangements and hasn't. And on top of that insists that no one ever comes over and takes her places--yet she can't call the other drivers for this appointment cause they are already driving her too much <--see what's happening? Grandma's happiness is unattainable and she's used to mom caving in to her every whim. When mom and I were discussing the recent appointment she repeated something I heard last time--"I'll just have to get better and get driving again..." Ummm, and then decline her health. Signs show she is incapable of realizing her impossible to please mom's WANTS are more important than her own SAFETY. Yes, I have point blank mentioned this. I get a begrudging agreement that lasts as long as a phone ring.

That is the core problem here. I'm in a seriously tricky spot as the caregiver of a boundary-less caregiver. The stress of dealing with my emotionally abusive grandma is continuing to cripple my mother and wearing on me.

How can I draw the line and stick to it? Cause even when I do, the line caves because mom flatly refuses to respect my boundary if grandma is involved. Others in the extended family can say no and have it stick--but because mom is in between I'm stuck with the "What and I gonna do?"-fest. And no--I cannot talk directly to grandma. That will backlash on mom, unfortunately. My grandma, though she talks to the rest of my cousins, only calls me in a panic if she cannot reach my mom via phone. Looking forward to experienced suggestions.

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With the call blocking idea, just to give it another whirl - it should be possible to block *incoming* calls from grandmother to mother, but still allow outgoing calls from mother to grandma. Then you could suggest your mother call her at set times for a predetermined five or ten minutes, so that if grandmother becomes abusive or excessive at least it's limited.

And the demand for transportation sequence could be set to an automatic chain of grandma-mother-you-alternative drivers.

Which would still be a pain, because it involves your mother's anxiety and your (if it were mine, extreme) irritation; and you would need the Alternative Drivers to be cheerful, forbearing types; but the net result would still be somebody else driving grandmama, in her coach-and-four if she likes, which is the main thing.

We do have a comparable situation in our family in that my MIL's main carer is my SIL who suffers guilt in spades; and it falls to SIL's husband to mediate. On one rare occasion when they had got away for a weekend break, it took both husband and me almost physically holding SIL down to stop her (needlessly) calling her mother.

How to stop somebody worrying when she already knows, but cannot feel, that her worry is groundless... I'm not sure there is an answer.
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Maybe you could try to print out a blank monthly calendar for one or two months and give each a copy - gma & mom - and have them pencil in their appt dates. They then submit that to you maybe 2 weeks or so in advance so you can review it. If appt days clash, let gma and/or mom know that date won’t work thus they need to find alternative transportation or reschedule the appt. It may be easier for all to have a visual tool to refer to so they can have information to work around or with. 
I empathize with you but I think your mom should have told her mother of her decision not to drive anymore to let gma know she may need to make other arrangements going forward. It’s still not too late to get gma to understand this.
Of course your mother is worried about her mother’s transportation. That’s her mom!
If I were you I would simply start over using guidelines and boundaries set by you as you are the one most impacted. Give them a calendar to work out who needs to go where and when, and let gma or mom know when they need to change their plans.
You should be commended for volunteering to drive your mother where she needs to go. Since you are in the “driver’s seat” those 2 should work with your schedule. Inform the both of them they need to communicate with each other to make this work and that your taxi service isn’t open 24/7.
Good luck!
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momtaxi007, My heart aches for you, believe me,I understand. Hang in there.😔😊
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Newnormal: That is my goal. I have realized this is new normality and I have accepted that mom likely won't drive again. Mom on the other hand is still saying she'll drive again ... when she drives again ... when she takes the car back ... etc. I get that this is a hard thing to deal with, and I've been trying to coach her through it. She is still fighting for optimism in this, and that in itself isn't a bad thing. Distancing things a bit and not being fresh in the post-argument mode, I have sorted out that grandma isn't going to accept that this is the way things are. She just doesn't get that mom's health is consistently bad right now. She's never going to grasp this and fighting that is a fool's errand. All I can do is help mom to steadily work with what she has. I accept that mom's going to overdo things around her house and end up in bed, I accept that she's going to get repeatedly upset that grandma doesn't get it and I'll have to remind mom that that isn't something we can change ... I am going to let these be her problems. My commitment to the dual hair appointment (which provides them with some together time) is written down and emailed to mom in clear terms that I will not accept additional shuttling tasks for grandma and that it only applies for the regular appointment on the same day--grandma changes it, grandma finds her own ride. This is now something I can send mom to in her email box to keep from getting into an argument again. If mom asks me again in frustration "What do you want me to do about _______ situation with grandma?" I'm going to say, "Let her deal with the consequences. There are resources she can use that she isn't. This is her problem, not yours." The last mom and I spoke she mentioned that some of the family had started to setup boundaries (apparently that's why this was becoming a bigger issue with me). I told mom that was a good thing and should have been done a long time ago, and she admitted after a bit that it might be time for her to do it too. I know I will have this conversation quite a few times before it sticks--mom's meds and her fibro contribute to confusion and memory. The best that I can figure, this is how I can handle things. I think the family is willing and WILL take care of grandma's needs--doctors appointments, groceries, her nails--this stuff is all arranged through the various other drivers who split this, it has been my grandma who wouldn't call someone else and was trying to force 'my mom' to drive her because it was mom's obligation to share the load. Failure to grasp that mom isn't driving, I am the one driving mom everywhere she needs to go. Caregiver for mom. GRANDMA is the one who needs to call people back and reschedule when stuff doesn't work out. Too long she's had mom to do this for her. Grandma won't like the change--but this is life. If she insists on being "independent" then managing this is her task.
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Hi 👋🏼 /momstaxi007
During this transition it is really important to remember that all of you are treading uncharted territory...this is now your new normal. Don't be afraid to ruffle a few feathers by telling mom that things are changing and while both grandma and mother are important, is now necessary to get others involved for the well-being of you as her daughter, your mom, and your grandmother. Let your mom know that you will take care of everything and that she's not to worry as you will make sure that they continue to visit with each other to make your time more enjoyable and less stressful by running errands. It sounds like you're getting your mental space in place for the long road ahead.
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Mom's taxi,
It is clear that you have your Mom's best interests at heart. That is what makes a good, loving caregiver.
Be sure that you don't wear yourself out early.

Can you hire a driver to drive grandma and mother both on the same day, one full day a month? Using their own funds of course.
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I'm not suggesting that you end mom's relationship with her mother. I'm suggestiong that you block grandma's access to your mom temporarly so that your mom can get better. Give gma YOUR phone number to call.

YOU know how to say no and can point gma in other directions.

Caregiving is going to kill your mom, look up the statistics.
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Snoopylove: that is kind of what is happening. Grandma's planning method is wearing out those who are sharing the load and they're either passing the buck or grandma is insisting on certain people. She is stuck on my mom because she relied on her for so long.

Barb: nope, blocking the phone number is not an option here. Mom has a need for contact with her, and I will respect that. We're not trying to end the relationship, just need to get boundaries here.

Newnormal: I think you may have hit the nail on the head, or gotten close to it. This is a case where I have been thrust into the role of mothering mother. I've been helping mom out for longer than just the autumn when she admitted the muscle spasms and pain were too much, and the grandma issue has been one for a long time. I have attempted in the past to help mom realize that boundaries were essential. During a time when mom had an issue that had her contagious grandma's needs were met by the REST of the family--allbeit, not to grandma's standards. And that is the thing. My mother was the only one of her kids who would do things however grandma wanted--to the point of injuring my mother. Yes--that was one heck of a discussion! There are others in the family who help, but grandma insists on asking mom even though she "knows" mom's health is flagging. When mom and I had the recent row she went on about the others drive grandma and are doing things for her, but grandma feels she can't ask them for more. I know--the issue here is that grandma isn't asking for 'mom's good graces, they're trespassing into mine. Mom is falling for the "No one ever comes and visits" guilt trip even when she knows damn well grandma is taken care of. When it comes to my mom's needs alone the boundaries are fine. We discuss availability and make plans. But as soon as grandma is in the mix the negotiation becomes emotionally charged and mom turns into a guilt ridden child afraid to inconvenience her own mom. That is what I have been trying to build a dam against. When mom was her caregiver, Grandma trampled her, I don't want her doing it to me through my mom's weakness. I have spoken to the rest of the family. They know about mom's issues and they do understand. It is my grandma who is pushing this to the breaking point by expecting others to "make it work". Part of my recent agreement with mom is that there is no more discussion beyond this point. The joint hair appointments are a slight return to something they used to do together. Grandma can't say mom doesn't do something with her. BUT if grandma changes the date, grandma is responsible for arranging the ride--it is not mom's problem, and doesn't become my problem. I hope this will put this to bed... but yeah, I also have a feeling it's going to rear up again. Thanks for the information on the POA papers. I will look into that. I have two siblings as well, we have been talking about the issues at length and have struggled on getting mom to drop the caregiver line. I will be honest, I think my grandma is having more than just memory issues. Again, getting mom's generation to get past the denial has been impossible. At the moment, I feel trapped and am trying to keep the guilt trip avalanche at bay. The boundaries are the right thing to do, and it appears I am the only one who will do this to grandma.
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Could it be that you're too emotionally attached to strategically make authoritative decisions? There's no need to allow seniors to frustrate you especially because it has become clear that neither your mom or grandmother are making rational decisions. You are still responding to both as the good kid "pleaser", this response will wear your out. Does grandmother have other children? I would call each one and let them know your mom's health is failing and she is no longer able to drive or care your grandmother, e.g. appointment management, Dr visits, food, etc as you are now caring for your mom. If your grandmother doesn't have any other surviving children, then I would definitely take her to the next dr to in form the dr that grandmother is living alone, has difficulty preparing food and unable to drive at that point the doctor should get your towns Dept on aging involved to provide those services free of charge or at a minimum cost to grandmother depending on her year end assets. Also, let the Dr know this will be the last appointment until the social worker can approve and arrange transportation and home care assistance.
Next but not least by any means, get POA papers in place quickly asap for your mother. The cost is minimal in comparison to the stress this will save. Be sure to email the POA papers to her insurance, bank etc. Good luck
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I think I would block grandma's number from mom's phone. Can you do that?
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