My dad has a history of doing nothing about his health until it’s too late/he’s in crisis. Then my mom and I end up taking care of him. This has gone on for years.
For years and years he refused to go to the dentist. Well about 7-8 years ago, his plate broke so he had no choice but to get help with his teeth. But by then his mouth was in such a state that the dentist had to remove 8 teeth at once so he could make a new plate. And since then Dad has never been the same. He was unable to eat properly because of mouth pain, the new plate not fitting, and so many other issues. So he lost a TON of weight.
That was the beginning of extremely rapid physical decline for him. He never recovered from that experience. He is now skin and bones — 128 pounds; he weighs less than me, his youngest daughter!!! He’s extremely weak, frail, and tired all the time now.
Another contributing factor to his decline was a hormone treatment for prostate cancer. Side effects of this treatment are loss of appetite, loss of bone and muscle mass, and cognitive decline (among other things). Dad has all of these side effects. He’s no longer taking the cancer treatment, but the damage is done.
He has also developed several bulging discs in his lower back. So he’s in pain all the time and the pain drains his energy.
Mom and Dad moved to an assisted living facility at the end of 2024. And since being there, he seems to have withdrawn even further. He’s in pain all the time and barely eats because he struggles to chew his food (and could be suffering from loss of appetite due to the cancer treatment). He is so tiny now. He doesn’t engage with people anymore like he used to. He has always been very charismatic. But lately all he wants to do is sit in his chair in their little apartment and sleep between meals. He has no desire to do anything. Mom and I think he’s suffering from depression. They gave up their house and now all they have is this little apartment. He is not coping well.
The thing I really wanted to share is about his stubbornness. Meals are served on a schedule at the facility. Breakfast is at 8am. So my father pushes himself (and my mom) to get up at 6:30am every morning to go to breakfast. That might not be a big deal for some people. But my parents are night owls. So this is a huge huge adjustment for them. They’re going to bed earlier now. But even so, they are tired all the time. And it’s clear that my dad is wearing himself out. I was with them on Mother’s Day and after we had lunch, he sat on the couch and fell asleep. He looked so haggard and pitiful… He’s absolutely exhausted. He didn’t even want to watch Mom open her Mother’s Day gifts.
I’ve tried to tell him that he doesn’t have to get up so early for breakfast, that he’s not getting enough sleep, and he’s wearing himself out, that they could arrange to have their breakfast brought to them so they can sleep later. But he will not listen. He’s adamant about going and he doesn’t seem to understand that he’s hurting himself.
This is exhausting for me because over the years Mom and I have had to fight with him to take better care of himself. He just refuses to listen.
The other thing that I fear will be a fight is getting him to go to the doctor and get injections for his back pain. The doctor diagnosed him with bulging discs probably about 9 months ago and prescribed a series of injections to ease the pain. Dad has not gone back to get the injections. If he would get the injections, maybe that would reduce his pain and improve his quality of life.
It’s so difficult for me to go over there and visit my parents in the facility. Watching both of them decline has been excruciating. But especially watching my dad has been unbearable because I really believe he could improve if he would just do what the doctors etc recommend.
I know it’s his decision. But is there any recourse for us here? This is incredibly difficult.
At least they are in assisted living , and not living unsafe at home .
Your father is tired and shouldn't be forced at this point to do things that he doesn't want to do or that will only prolong the inevitable, which is his death.
Instead call hospice today and have them come out to do an assessment on him, and let him live out his days in comfort and peace, without being poked and prodded by any more doctors.
He deserves that much don't you think?
Get some instant oatmeal, bread for toast, whatever they like for breakfast. Tell your mom to do what she pleases, sleep in and eat when she likes.
Your father long ago chose the way he preferred to live his life. You, mom and siblings stepped in and rescued him. Then it happened again and again and on and on. This is your family dynamic. Push, pull, push, pull. This is not meant to be blaming because it isn't your fault, but: Dad controlled you and the family by his behavior, and that might have been helped by family counseling when you were a child. Now it's too late, and the push-me pull-you continues because that's the only way you know to relate to each other. He controls, you react. He controls, someone enables.
I believe that if dad were in enough pain, he'd go get the shots.
I would not concern myself so much with the weight. Being of lower weight can actually help one live much longer. My own partner is 123 # at 84 and gets only complimented on how clear and healthy his arteries are, and told not to worry about his weight. We don't anymore. It is also normal to sleep more with age.
Your father is now in the last stages of his life. He has battled a cancer and he sees a doctor for pain care help. It may be wise now to think in terms of palliative care and Hospice for extra help and support in this, his final stage of life. Be certain all advance directives are in place. Speak honestly with a Palliative care or good Gerontology specialist about the final stage of life and how to make it the most comfortable you can until the end comes.
I am sorry; now is the time to concentrate on suffering and comfort care and pain relief. Both Palliative and Hospice can help a lot with that.
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