Follow
Share

Hello. I feel terrible that I'm not visiting mom enough at her nursing home. It’s on my mind a lot. I'm seeing her this week but it will be 15 days since I last visited by the time I’m able to go due to my work.


She's mentally “gone” but knows me. I love seeing her sweet face and we just talk. She has her own room.


I'm just fed up with myself. I do not drive but it’s not far. I don’t work every single day, but various days it feels difficult to visit, sort of? It’s not the easiest place to go and it’s new to us (relatively). She was sent there in Dec.


What is wrong? What would you do? I'm alone, basically. My husband is busy, my sister out of the picture, and her family visits but they are elderly, too, so it's not very consistent.

Find Care & Housing
Hi Pirate2020, and welcome to the forum. Hey, you are doing the best you can, and that is all that you can do. When my MIL was in the nursing facility, hubby and I were only able to visit here 2X/month because she was a 2 hour drive away. We wove her visits into the tapestry of our lives, and we refused to feel guilty. And yes, it is hard going into the nursing home, period. The environment, the odors, amongst other things. On top of that, its your mom that you are visiting. Tis tough all around. Don't be hard on yourself. Give her your best and your love when you ARE able to visit, and let that be enough. Praying for the Lord to give you peace as you navigate these uncharted waters.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to CaringinVA
Report

Sounds basically like you are TRYING to beat yourself up for some reason. Why would that be, do you think?
1. You have work.
2. In order to survive work you must have time for all the chores and activities of daily living.
3. You have a right and a NEED for some down time.
4. You have said that your mother is suffering from dementia to the extent that she does still know you, and she is still happy to see you. I think you need to reassure yourself here, because when dementia has progressed as far as your mother's has, there is no real way for the cerebral cortex to formulate any rational thoughts about TIME and such. Time doesn't matter, doesn't compute in the ways we think of it in our "normal world".

I think that the fact that you are so disturbed by what end of life looks like in your mother, in the place where she is currently, that you somehow think to punish yourself for it. But truth is that you didn't cause this and you can't fix this, and you have a right to a life.

There are a few things you can try. More frequent visits, and shorter ones. See if that works better for you. Or keep it as it is and see a counselor to help you work out how you are thinking about all this. It isn't within your power to change this. You must learn somehow to let it go, to come to peace with it as it is. Hanging yourself out on a cross in some martyrdom is not going to help your mother, and will devastate you.

Heart out to you in this pain.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
imout01 May 17, 2025
Agrees. Particularly in the current economic climate and what it’s becoming, you cannot be in 2 places, at once. Your employer also does not pay you, to care for your parents. You need rest. You cannot stop the ravages of time and her dementia, even if you sat there all day, everyday.

I know that others don’t or won’t realize your time. I’ve had one neighbor, who wanted me to “spend time” with their mother. That I worked 2 full time jobs, didn’t mean anything and she wasn’t even my mother.

Another neighbor, who probably felt she had my life in lockdown, merely because I lived right above her. Still not family. But, also, my life wasn’t coming to a halt.

Even newer neighbor. Acts like I should be a free nanny to her child, as if I’m a coparent. No thanks.
(0)
Report
I’ve been through some excruciatingly difficult visits to husband in memory care. However, he’s always happy to see me, so I’m glad to be there for him.

One thing that has helped is that I’m friendly with other spouses there. We look after each others’ husbands. For instance, today his wife wasn’t there and Carl can’t talk; he can’t call an aide if he needs something. I made sure his water bottle was filled before I left because he likes to drink a lot due to dry mouth. His wife has helped my husband with things also.

My advice is not to isolate yourself with mom in her room. Take her into the common areas and be friendly. Be interested in residents and their visitors and chat. This makes the time more pleasant for you and it passes more quickly. Truly, being around dementia patients one-on-one can be boring no matter how much we love them. There’s not much stimulation in it for us. No one seems to admit this, but it should be discussed and dealt with.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Fawnby
Report
KNance72 May 18, 2025
Great advice Fawnby
(4)
Report
See 2 more replies
Agree with CaringVA. We all do the best we can. You visit when you can.
When my mom was ill, and I cannot tell you how much I loved her, it was so hard going to see her in the state she was in. I had to step back for a bit. It's tough. Everyone reacts and can handle things differently. Don't beat yourself up.
When my dad became ill, he had already moved out of state and it was more harder to visit. I came when I could.
You do your best to visit. Step back when it's too hard and go again when you feel up to it. Don't beat yourself up over it.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Tiredniece23
Report

One thing about Dementia, those suffering from it have no conception of time. Mom has no idea how long its been since you have been there. You could visit. leave and she would tell someone she hadn't seen you in weeks.

Maybe plan a day a week. You will go every other Saturday. Get your husband on board. Ask that he put that time aside. You don't have to stay long.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

my mother has been in a memory unit for four years. My brother has yet to see or call her although he lives in her home rent free. I am disabled, my back is fused, walking is difficult and painful, and I have been treated for cancer twice. I see my mother about once a week. I feel guilty for not going more often. I am retired and her home is about a mile away from mine.. I work on trying not to feel guilty. This situation is so so hard. It is so difficult to see your parent, essentially dissolve, cognitively speaking, in front of you. Many times I cry on the way back to the car. I assume everyone going through this reacts differently, it is highly personal. I think what has given me the most peace is focusing on doing what I can do, and letting the rest go. I disagree with the advice you’ve been given to go more often because you already know you can’t do that. Which is why you wrote in here! I think that after your mom passes, you may find peace in knowing you did the best you could for yourself and your mother. You have to take care of yourself or you won’t be able to take care of your mother. If that means fewer visits, so be it. The mantra my mother and I use is that we muddle through each day. And that’s about how it goes.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Conniejay
Report

Can she talk on the phone? My mom was in Memory Care for 4 yrs and 2 yrs in I started calling at the same time every eve, literally almost every night. Those calls were not easy either but they were short and even w/mom’s gone memory she knew I was calling. This filled in the gap between visits and in hindsight worked well.

I also started bringing a ukelele to mom visits, which was more for me than her. But she seemed to like it and so did I! Can I play well at all, no. Didn’t matter. Just 3 chords and some whistling and you have a concert. One day I showed up in a muu muu. Is there a ukelele or anything you can fiddle with and show while you’re there? Doesn’t have to be an epic skill.

I also did a LOT of hollering my my car alone. And post-visit rewards. Usually involving food ( not recommended ) but also pet treats or just reading a paper outside before driving back.

Best to you…
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Madisoncuckoo7
Report
Hothouseflower May 18, 2025
That’s a great idea, I play the like little also. . Not ready for prime time but it might be good to do. It certainly can’t hurt.
(2)
Report
it sounds like good advice to not be hard on yourself, but if you do not do everything in your power for this short amount of time she has left to see her and oversee her care, you will most likely live with regrets.
It is depressing to go there, I know, but only a loved one can make sure she is being cared for well. You just can’t count on strangers and care workers to think of your mom as anything other than a job. There are a few exceptions, but for many people this is true. I had to watch over my Dad like crazy even in the ICU at a hospital. They had an attitude like he was a goner, and were not keeping him hydrated well. I know he would have passed away there if I had not been there daily. They would put the food tray behind him, and not even make sure he ate. The people would come in to take the tray, that he had not even seen. He survived and lived 2 years more after that hospital visit. Lots of laughs. good food, movies, and time with family. All with dementia. They do know when you are there. Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Tiger8
Report
Kristen2037 May 28, 2025
I agree with this. My mother was in a nursing home for 14 months and my father and I visited her every day. The only time I wasn't visiting was when I had to go home for MD appointments or if I needed ' a break' but for the most part, my father would go for lunch and I would go for dinner. It was easier for me because I was no longer working and I was committed to helping.

The less you go in, the harder it is to go in (if that makes sense). If you go in more regularly, you get used to the community and it feels more like a second home.

I have other regrets as it relates to my mother, but being there for her isn't one of them. I tried and she knew she wasn't alone. I say this not to make you feel worse, but to remind you that once they're gone, they're gone and it's too late to make any changes.

That said, my mother had a short stint at the nursing home of 14 mos. Some ppl last for years. I always used to say 'if I knew how much longer she would be alive, I could pace myself and make better decisions.' The changes I would have made with her short stint? Probably hiring a massage therapist to come in a couple of times a month. Probably bringing in homemade food more regularly or more takeout for fun.

I did a lot with decorating and flowers to brighten things up. My regrets are that I didn't have a better attitude at times, but she wasn't a very grateful person and the entitlement made things harder.

So if you're feeling guilty, take some kind of corrective action that will feel good to you. Action that you can live with once she's gone.

I know how hard it is to have a loved one in the nursing home. But she needs your love and the workers need to know that she has ppl watching over her and not to ignore her!
(1)
Report
You need to give yourself a break. She is so lucky to have you visit at all. Creating a schedule, say evry 1st and second Saturday of the month,.... or what ever you are comfortable with. For me knowing I visit on a schedule, holding to that schedule, allows me to not feel guilty on days i do not visit. I call every day in between. If she cant answer the phone, make a deal with the care center to help her answer the phone.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to bgblck69
Report

I went through and still do at times go through guilt of not going to see my husband as much as I feel I should in my heart. When we have a loved one in a nursing home it is so hard. I can’t imagine the pressure you must feel to have to work and be alone in supporting and visiting your mother. I have learned over this past year that we are only human. We can’t do it all. If you had support in someone else visiting, your pressure wouldn’t be as much. That’s where I’m at too. However, you can’t be everything to be person. You have to r as he care if you too. Also I have learned that our loved one’s adjust in time. You hurt more than your mom dies. She is gone in her mind. My husband is too. It has helped me a lot to be on this forum. Talk to others facing the same issues. Join a group if you can fit it in with your busy schedule or go to counseling for yourself. It truly helps. You must take care of you. Stress has and does really make us sick. You are emotionally in pain It’s hard I’m there with you. You’re not alone. Do the best you can in your heart and know your love will never die between you and your sweet momma.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to AJoy63
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter