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Hello. I feel terrible that I'm not visiting mom enough at her nursing home. It’s on my mind a lot. I'm seeing her this week but it will be 15 days since I last visited by the time I’m able to go due to my work.


She's mentally “gone” but knows me. I love seeing her sweet face and we just talk. She has her own room.


I'm just fed up with myself. I do not drive but it’s not far. I don’t work every single day, but various days it feels difficult to visit, sort of? It’s not the easiest place to go and it’s new to us (relatively). She was sent there in Dec.


What is wrong? What would you do? I'm alone, basically. My husband is busy, my sister out of the picture, and her family visits but they are elderly, too, so it's not very consistent.

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Hi Pirate2020, and welcome to the forum. Hey, you are doing the best you can, and that is all that you can do. When my MIL was in the nursing facility, hubby and I were only able to visit here 2X/month because she was a 2 hour drive away. We wove her visits into the tapestry of our lives, and we refused to feel guilty. And yes, it is hard going into the nursing home, period. The environment, the odors, amongst other things. On top of that, its your mom that you are visiting. Tis tough all around. Don't be hard on yourself. Give her your best and your love when you ARE able to visit, and let that be enough. Praying for the Lord to give you peace as you navigate these uncharted waters.
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Reply to CaringinVA
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Agree with CaringVA. We all do the best we can. You visit when you can.
When my mom was ill, and I cannot tell you how much I loved her, it was so hard going to see her in the state she was in. I had to step back for a bit. It's tough. Everyone reacts and can handle things differently. Don't beat yourself up.
When my dad became ill, he had already moved out of state and it was more harder to visit. I came when I could.
You do your best to visit. Step back when it's too hard and go again when you feel up to it. Don't beat yourself up over it.
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Reply to Tiredniece23
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Sounds basically like you are TRYING to beat yourself up for some reason. Why would that be, do you think?
1. You have work.
2. In order to survive work you must have time for all the chores and activities of daily living.
3. You have a right and a NEED for some down time.
4. You have said that your mother is suffering from dementia to the extent that she does still know you, and she is still happy to see you. I think you need to reassure yourself here, because when dementia has progressed as far as your mother's has, there is no real way for the cerebral cortex to formulate any rational thoughts about TIME and such. Time doesn't matter, doesn't compute in the ways we think of it in our "normal world".

I think that the fact that you are so disturbed by what end of life looks like in your mother, in the place where she is currently, that you somehow think to punish yourself for it. But truth is that you didn't cause this and you can't fix this, and you have a right to a life.

There are a few things you can try. More frequent visits, and shorter ones. See if that works better for you. Or keep it as it is and see a counselor to help you work out how you are thinking about all this. It isn't within your power to change this. You must learn somehow to let it go, to come to peace with it as it is. Hanging yourself out on a cross in some martyrdom is not going to help your mother, and will devastate you.

Heart out to you in this pain.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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imout01 May 17, 2025
Agrees. Particularly in the current economic climate and what it’s becoming, you cannot be in 2 places, at once. Your employer also does not pay you, to care for your parents. You need rest. You cannot stop the ravages of time and her dementia, even if you sat there all day, everyday.

I know that others don’t or won’t realize your time. I’ve had one neighbor, who wanted me to “spend time” with their mother. That I worked 2 full time jobs, didn’t mean anything and she wasn’t even my mother.

Another neighbor, who probably felt she had my life in lockdown, merely because I lived right above her. Still not family. But, also, my life wasn’t coming to a halt.

Even newer neighbor. Acts like I should be a free nanny to her child, as if I’m a coparent. No thanks.
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One thing about Dementia, those suffering from it have no conception of time. Mom has no idea how long its been since you have been there. You could visit. leave and she would tell someone she hadn't seen you in weeks.

Maybe plan a day a week. You will go every other Saturday. Get your husband on board. Ask that he put that time aside. You don't have to stay long.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I’ve been through some excruciatingly difficult visits to husband in memory care. However, he’s always happy to see me, so I’m glad to be there for him.

One thing that has helped is that I’m friendly with other spouses there. We look after each others’ husbands. For instance, today his wife wasn’t there and Carl can’t talk; he can’t call an aide if he needs something. I made sure his water bottle was filled before I left because he likes to drink a lot due to dry mouth. His wife has helped my husband with things also.

My advice is not to isolate yourself with mom in her room. Take her into the common areas and be friendly. Be interested in residents and their visitors and chat. This makes the time more pleasant for you and it passes more quickly. Truly, being around dementia patients one-on-one can be boring no matter how much we love them. There’s not much stimulation in it for us. No one seems to admit this, but it should be discussed and dealt with.
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Reply to Fawnby
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KNance72 19 hours ago
Great advice Fawnby
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You need to give yourself a break. She is so lucky to have you visit at all. Creating a schedule, say evry 1st and second Saturday of the month,.... or what ever you are comfortable with. For me knowing I visit on a schedule, holding to that schedule, allows me to not feel guilty on days i do not visit. I call every day in between. If she cant answer the phone, make a deal with the care center to help her answer the phone.
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Reply to bgblck69
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my mother has been in a memory unit for four years. My brother has yet to see or call her although he lives in her home rent free. I am disabled, my back is fused, walking is difficult and painful, and I have been treated for cancer twice. I see my mother about once a week. I feel guilty for not going more often. I am retired and her home is about a mile away from mine.. I work on trying not to feel guilty. This situation is so so hard. It is so difficult to see your parent, essentially dissolve, cognitively speaking, in front of you. Many times I cry on the way back to the car. I assume everyone going through this reacts differently, it is highly personal. I think what has given me the most peace is focusing on doing what I can do, and letting the rest go. I disagree with the advice you’ve been given to go more often because you already know you can’t do that. Which is why you wrote in here! I think that after your mom passes, you may find peace in knowing you did the best you could for yourself and your mother. You have to take care of yourself or you won’t be able to take care of your mother. If that means fewer visits, so be it. The mantra my mother and I use is that we muddle through each day. And that’s about how it goes.
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Reply to Conniejay
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Hi there
You’re doing your best in a tough situation- it’s obvious that you are feeling overwhelmed and guilty in this situation. It might be prudent to speak to a counsellor - avoiding your mother screams that you are having problems processing what’s happening -
in the meantime reach out to care staff for extra support
tell them you are feeling very overwhelmed and can they help supporting your mother more. I would explore telephone calls as options to keep in touch
if it’s any consolation when my father was in critical state I didn't want to see him
i forced myself to remembering how good a father he had been and it was my turn to look after him and slowly it became routine
so routine that against the odds we turned my fathers health around
everyone’s situation is different - end of day you must protect your health as well
speak to the. CAre staff and your doctor about how overwhelmed you’re feeling - it’s a common feeling so they should be able to offer you support. You are coping alone so remember that can magnify feelings so don’t beating yourself up
it’s a dreadful situation and you are coping as best you can.
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Reply to Jenny10
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I went through and still do at times go through guilt of not going to see my husband as much as I feel I should in my heart. When we have a loved one in a nursing home it is so hard. I can’t imagine the pressure you must feel to have to work and be alone in supporting and visiting your mother. I have learned over this past year that we are only human. We can’t do it all. If you had support in someone else visiting, your pressure wouldn’t be as much. That’s where I’m at too. However, you can’t be everything to be person. You have to r as he care if you too. Also I have learned that our loved one’s adjust in time. You hurt more than your mom dies. She is gone in her mind. My husband is too. It has helped me a lot to be on this forum. Talk to others facing the same issues. Join a group if you can fit it in with your busy schedule or go to counseling for yourself. It truly helps. You must take care of you. Stress has and does really make us sick. You are emotionally in pain It’s hard I’m there with you. You’re not alone. Do the best you can in your heart and know your love will never die between you and your sweet momma.
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Reply to AJoy63
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I just came back home from my two week dad visit in NYC. I hate going to visit my father at his nursing home. The only thing he is interested in is eating cookies I bring him. He does not talk much and I spend a lot of time talking at him because I hate dead air. He is too hot in the sitting room and too cold outdoors despite the fact he has a jacket and bundled in an afghan. There is no expression of thanks. There’s just nothing. But unfortunately for me he does still know who I am. That makes it hard to walk away.

He has a new great grandson born on Wednesday. I think he understood me when I relayed the good news but could have cared less. Showed him pictures of the baby. Not even a smile.

I decided to not to renew my lease at the apartment I was renting just so I could go visit for big chunks of time. I can’t afford it. I was really hoping since he is 96 that he would have died before the lease was expiring but it appears it won’t play out that way. This will be going on indefinitely.

I will still come back but for less time because I simply cannot stand it anymore. and I don’t feel guilty saying this.

I hate that I have become so emotionally detached. But the five years of caregiving for both my parents and the toll it’s taken on me have done this.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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MiaMoor 14 hours ago
Although your dad recognises you, he isn't really him any more.
The reason you feel so detached is because he is completely detached.
It's absolutely fine that you won't be visiting your dad so often because it's just hurting you, while not really adding any quality to his life.
You have a new grandson, so your family would probably enjoy your time and attention more, plus it would also be more rewarding for you.
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