Hello. I feel terrible that I'm not visiting mom enough at her nursing home. It’s on my mind a lot. I'm seeing her this week but it will be 15 days since I last visited by the time I’m able to go due to my work.
She's mentally “gone” but knows me. I love seeing her sweet face and we just talk. She has her own room.
I'm just fed up with myself. I do not drive but it’s not far. I don’t work every single day, but various days it feels difficult to visit, sort of? It’s not the easiest place to go and it’s new to us (relatively). She was sent there in Dec.
What is wrong? What would you do? I'm alone, basically. My husband is busy, my sister out of the picture, and her family visits but they are elderly, too, so it's not very consistent.
Telling the OP to go more often could just be piling on more guilt on top of what she's feeling.
Maybe plan a day a week. You will go every other Saturday. Get your husband on board. Ask that he put that time aside. You don't have to stay long.
When my mom was ill, and I cannot tell you how much I loved her, it was so hard going to see her in the state she was in. I had to step back for a bit. It's tough. Everyone reacts and can handle things differently. Don't beat yourself up.
When my dad became ill, he had already moved out of state and it was more harder to visit. I came when I could.
You do your best to visit. Step back when it's too hard and go again when you feel up to it. Don't beat yourself up over it.
It is depressing to go there, I know, but only a loved one can make sure she is being cared for well. You just can’t count on strangers and care workers to think of your mom as anything other than a job. There are a few exceptions, but for many people this is true. I had to watch over my Dad like crazy even in the ICU at a hospital. They had an attitude like he was a goner, and were not keeping him hydrated well. I know he would have passed away there if I had not been there daily. They would put the food tray behind him, and not even make sure he ate. The people would come in to take the tray, that he had not even seen. He survived and lived 2 years more after that hospital visit. Lots of laughs. good food, movies, and time with family. All with dementia. They do know when you are there. Best of luck to you.
The less you go in, the harder it is to go in (if that makes sense). If you go in more regularly, you get used to the community and it feels more like a second home.
I have other regrets as it relates to my mother, but being there for her isn't one of them. I tried and she knew she wasn't alone. I say this not to make you feel worse, but to remind you that once they're gone, they're gone and it's too late to make any changes.
That said, my mother had a short stint at the nursing home of 14 mos. Some ppl last for years. I always used to say 'if I knew how much longer she would be alive, I could pace myself and make better decisions.' The changes I would have made with her short stint? Probably hiring a massage therapist to come in a couple of times a month. Probably bringing in homemade food more regularly or more takeout for fun.
I did a lot with decorating and flowers to brighten things up. My regrets are that I didn't have a better attitude at times, but she wasn't a very grateful person and the entitlement made things harder.
So if you're feeling guilty, take some kind of corrective action that will feel good to you. Action that you can live with once she's gone.
I know how hard it is to have a loved one in the nursing home. But she needs your love and the workers need to know that she has ppl watching over her and not to ignore her!
1. You have work.
2. In order to survive work you must have time for all the chores and activities of daily living.
3. You have a right and a NEED for some down time.
4. You have said that your mother is suffering from dementia to the extent that she does still know you, and she is still happy to see you. I think you need to reassure yourself here, because when dementia has progressed as far as your mother's has, there is no real way for the cerebral cortex to formulate any rational thoughts about TIME and such. Time doesn't matter, doesn't compute in the ways we think of it in our "normal world".
I think that the fact that you are so disturbed by what end of life looks like in your mother, in the place where she is currently, that you somehow think to punish yourself for it. But truth is that you didn't cause this and you can't fix this, and you have a right to a life.
There are a few things you can try. More frequent visits, and shorter ones. See if that works better for you. Or keep it as it is and see a counselor to help you work out how you are thinking about all this. It isn't within your power to change this. You must learn somehow to let it go, to come to peace with it as it is. Hanging yourself out on a cross in some martyrdom is not going to help your mother, and will devastate you.
Heart out to you in this pain.
I know that others don’t or won’t realize your time. I’ve had one neighbor, who wanted me to “spend time” with their mother. That I worked 2 full time jobs, didn’t mean anything and she wasn’t even my mother.
Another neighbor, who probably felt she had my life in lockdown, merely because I lived right above her. Still not family. But, also, my life wasn’t coming to a halt.
Even newer neighbor. Acts like I should be a free nanny to her child, as if I’m a coparent. No thanks.
You’re doing your best in a tough situation- it’s obvious that you are feeling overwhelmed and guilty in this situation. It might be prudent to speak to a counsellor - avoiding your mother screams that you are having problems processing what’s happening -
in the meantime reach out to care staff for extra support
tell them you are feeling very overwhelmed and can they help supporting your mother more. I would explore telephone calls as options to keep in touch
if it’s any consolation when my father was in critical state I didn't want to see him
i forced myself to remembering how good a father he had been and it was my turn to look after him and slowly it became routine
so routine that against the odds we turned my fathers health around
everyone’s situation is different - end of day you must protect your health as well
speak to the. CAre staff and your doctor about how overwhelmed you’re feeling - it’s a common feeling so they should be able to offer you support. You are coping alone so remember that can magnify feelings so don’t beating yourself up
it’s a dreadful situation and you are coping as best you can.
One thing that has helped is that I’m friendly with other spouses there. We look after each others’ husbands. For instance, today his wife wasn’t there and Carl can’t talk; he can’t call an aide if he needs something. I made sure his water bottle was filled before I left because he likes to drink a lot due to dry mouth. His wife has helped my husband with things also.
My advice is not to isolate yourself with mom in her room. Take her into the common areas and be friendly. Be interested in residents and their visitors and chat. This makes the time more pleasant for you and it passes more quickly. Truly, being around dementia patients one-on-one can be boring no matter how much we love them. There’s not much stimulation in it for us. No one seems to admit this, but it should be discussed and dealt with.
He has a new great grandson born on Wednesday. I think he understood me when I relayed the good news but could have cared less. Showed him pictures of the baby. Not even a smile.
I decided to not to renew my lease at the apartment I was renting just so I could go visit for big chunks of time. I can’t afford it. I was really hoping since he is 96 that he would have died before the lease was expiring but it appears it won’t play out that way. This will be going on indefinitely.
I will still come back but for less time because I simply cannot stand it anymore. and I don’t feel guilty saying this.
I hate that I have become so emotionally detached. But the five years of caregiving for both my parents and the toll it’s taken on me have done this.
The reason you feel so detached is because he is completely detached.
It's absolutely fine that you won't be visiting your dad so often because it's just hurting you, while not really adding any quality to his life.
You have a new grandson, so your family would probably enjoy your time and attention more, plus it would also be more rewarding for you.
Grow up. Nursing homes are not the "easiest" places to go. They're not pleasant places. Your mother lives in one though. So if you want to visit, you will have to deal with going to one. Trying to guilt-trip yourself helps nothing and no one, especially yourself.
If your mother is mentally "gone" as you say, she's not bothered by being in the nursing home. The things that bother people of sound mind, aren't troubling your mother now.
So if you think you aren't visiting enough, start visiting more often.
Guilt tripping would have just made it worse.
I also started bringing a ukelele to mom visits, which was more for me than her. But she seemed to like it and so did I! Can I play well at all, no. Didn’t matter. Just 3 chords and some whistling and you have a concert. One day I showed up in a muu muu. Is there a ukelele or anything you can fiddle with and show while you’re there? Doesn’t have to be an epic skill.
I also did a LOT of hollering my my car alone. And post-visit rewards. Usually involving food ( not recommended ) but also pet treats or just reading a paper outside before driving back.
Best to you…
I think that I understand, as it sounds like something I also went through.
You say you feel terrible and that it's on your mind a lot. This means that even when you're not visiting your mum you're not actually getting any rest or doing anything for yourself.
It sounds as if you have got yourself into a vicious circle: you're exhausted, so you don't visit your mum; then you feel guilty because you're not visiting your mum; so you don't actually do anything nice for yourself or relax completely because you're feeling guilty and worried about not visiting your mum; which in turn makes you feel mentally exhausted, so you don't visit your mum. And so on.
Does this sound anything like what you are experiencing?
I went through this at one point and it affected my mental health so badly. I felt isolated and didn't realise how far down I had spiralled.
The way I got out of this was by showing myself compassion.
When I realised what you have realised, that I was struggling to visit and felt like a terrible person, I paused to examine what was going on.
I realised I couldn't do any more at that point, so decided to stop thinking that I should be visiting and instead consider that I was giving myself a break and I would go next week.
As soon as I reframed my thinking and decided that I didn't need to visit Mum right now - carers were going in each day, and she only just acknowledged that I was there anyway - I started to feel a weight lift.
I made a conscious decision to stop thinking about Mum when I wasn't actually seeing her or dealing with her needs. I realised that she was all I thought about and it wasn't healthy.
Being there so much just resulted in my stepdad, who was perfectly capable, to become reliant on me for everything, and in me not living my own life.
So, I made a conscious decision to visit less frequently (until Mum's final weeks, and I wasn't really needed there as much as I was). That put a stop to the vicious circle.
I reasoned to myself that I needed to recharge my batteries which, between work and doing so much for my mum and stepdad, I hadn't been doing. I still didn't do as much as I needed to for myself, but it at least took the pressure off the feeling I should be with Mum more. That helped me deal with the unnecessary guilt.
I also got my stepsister to persuade her dad to increase the carer's hours so they could take over some of my duties. That bit isn't relevant to your situation, but someone else might benefit.
I am in a similar position - dad sill at home with carers 4 x a day. I do not enjoy the visits, have nothing to say and sit in the one room he has ended up in staring at a commode and stains on the carpet. I leave feeling depressed and drained. I limit the visits now as it affects my mental health so badly and resent going because neither of my parents visited their parents when they became elderly and poorly.
Caregiving comes with a lot of false guilt. The people who feel it the most are the ones who did the most heavy lifting during the caregiving process that sometimes can last a month, a year or sometimes ten years.
Now it is time to relax and enjoy life. One thing I can say about this caregiving journey, and I'm speaking from experience, is that it rips the joy out of your soul by the constant worry and the wear and tear that it has on your mind, soul and body. Your mind adapts to the state of being in the constant worry mode leading to a general discontent of life as normal. Then you wonder how can you feel this way about taking care of someone you love and then the guilt creeps in. It's a vicious cycle at times.
Therapy can help you break this thought pattern.
I know in my case, even as a paid caregiver, I sometimes feel cheated and robbed of my time. Trust and believe, these feelings are normal.
Exercise patience in adapting to this new normal.
Get your mind off things even if it is no more than catching a bus somewhere and buying a cup of coffee at a coffee shop. We are in the habit of being with someone sometimes all day with little to no downtime for ourselves.
Caregiving teaches us how to forget about ourselves and neglect our self care.
Put the oxygen mask on yourself first.
I look at caregiving like being in labor. Learn how to breathe and rest in between contractions.
Take your breaks, rest, eat and use the bathroom!
You really do gotta keep checking up on them
I’m not saying how often you should go but nursing homes and assisted living centers are all understaffed
Most important thing is you keep checking and making sure that she’s getting the correct medication etc.
I’m sure if your mom was in her right mind she would tell you she was fine with however many/few visits you could handle in your life and don’t lose your job. AND she would s
lobe you back.
My grandmother used to tell me that when she was frail and fading (instead of work she would say to study hard).
Take care of yourself so you have your mental and physical health.
Be well -
15 days is not so bad. I live with my MIL, in her home, and some family members never come to see her. That’s inexcusable.
If you can visit on the weekends. Sat and Suns can be the worst to be in a facility, since less to do/going on.