Visiting the NH and how often?

Can't blame you. They really are depressing made more so by some being painted with the most drab colors ever seen. They probably either received this paint for free or it was heavily reduced in price.

I divide my time right now, I visit my parents every other month. They are in the same facility.

I plan not to come back as often once I know my mother has been accepted for Medicaid.

For some reason my sister feels the need to go every day so I travel here to visit so she doesn’t have to be there for the time I’m here. Until I know our mother is on Medicaid. I’m will be around. Once that happens I’m out.

I do think I could walk away and not look back at this point. I feel like I’ve paid my dues three times over.

Will come back and visit a few days during the year nothing like what I’m doing now. I simply can’t keep this up and don’t want to anymore.

After moving my MIL to an ALF, the 3 'kids' spent everyday, all day and night with her. It was maddening to see this dynamic play out. They thought they had to do this to help her acclimate. It was 10xs worse than them taking turns staying with her at her home.

It was beyond crazy--they were paying a fortune for the privilege of now caring for their mother in a facility---before one of us inlaws had the chance to say anything about how stupid they were being, she passed away. In the 2 hrs that SIL left her alone.

They were ALL exhausted and now--in hindsight, see that they should have placed her 5 years ago and made her adjust. Instead they gave their lives to her.

I have no doubt that they would have kept up the 24/7 care as long as she was alive.

And she did not appreciate them doing all this. She felt it was their duty.

Thanks all I really do know there are no right or wrong answers here as there can be so many variables involved but it is also nice to hear others thoughts on the matter at hand. There is no way we can please everyone so will choose to just go with the flow for now.

Too bad the three elder relatives aren’t in one facility . I realize there could be many reasons this would not work .

You can only do so much .

We visited my FIL every other weekend - for a number of reasons. First and foremost (sort of) was distance. He was over an hour from us and we ALWAYS went up with SIL and BIL - and they had to drive almost an hour to us and then we drove another hour plus to his nursing home. That was one reason.

Reason number 2 - and frankly the driving force -was tolerance. We could only handle so much time with my narcissist FIL (read: narcissist - not narcissistIC - he was a genuine person with a personality disorder. for many, many years leading up to going into the nursing home. And going into the SNF made him, bitter, mean, angry, hateful and downright ugly) Visits were not pleasant. They were filled with accusations, him screaming at all of us (this the united front, all traveling together, arriving together and leaving together). They will filled with outright lies about each of the siblings, the staff, all kinds of absurd things. At one point he even tried to hit my husband.

So we minimized the visits for his mental health as well as our own.

I always advocate for all managed care residents to be visited regularly as I know what a difference it often makes in their care. Staff sees who is visited and cared for, and though it may not be the best side of human nature, it has the side effect of them caring more. We watched this dynamic for four years in the nursing home. Go often enough to oversee the care, ask how things are, see to their needs, and varying the times if possible. It’s what each of us would hope for if in the situation. I’ll not say what “often enough” is exactly as that clearly has many variables, I hope you can find a solution that works for all sides in this as I well remember how hard it all is

Depends, imho, ENTIRELY on how aware they are of you, of time, and of time's passage.
That is to say if they KNOW and are WAITING, then I would do all I could to make the visits more frequent, even if shorter.

If they do not remember your being there, and do not think about you and worry about you and ASK FOR YOU (speak with caregivers about your feelings) then this is just worthless strum and drang you are adding to your dance card when it's already full to overflowing. You are THINKING about this. To me that says it all about how much you care.

Guilt isn't appropriate. You didn't cause this. You can't fix this. Life isn't happy-all-the-time. It is full of imperfect choices and human limitations. You have a right to your life. And guess what, you have a right to down time that belongs solely to YOU for your pleasure.

I feel that the only way to visit several family members in facilities is to go only as often as you possibly can.

You will be miserable if you visit more than it’s feasible to do so.