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Realistically how often are you able to visit your LO @ the NH? It just seems that there are not enough hours in the day as most of us work FT in addition to having kids & other responsibilities. Of course we feel beyond guilty for not getting there every week now and feel it will just get worse with all this stress in the month of December. Lately we've tried to make it a point to visit at least every other week even though the visits are very short and the last one she refused to get out of bed to visit with us saying she just wants to sleep so the nurse suggested we just let her do that. I guess there is more of a vent than anything but thanks for listening :)

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I’ll always advocate for every resident of any managed care setting to have someone visiting regularly to oversee and advocate for their care. It’s as simple as the staff seeing a family that cares, and it has an effect on them caring also. It’s important and it’s what any of us would want and need if it was us in that setting. Neglect can’t happen nearly as easily or often when families are involved and on site. My mother could barely communicate for much of her NH stay. The visits were often excruciatingly dull and no doubt we all wanted to be anywhere else. My now adult children went once a week, they didn’t complain but it was obvious that they felt awkward. Now they will all say they are so glad they were taken, and that it taught them valuable lessons in empathy and basic human kindness. I look back on so many visits I truly hated, so grateful I made myself do it
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Go at least once a week. The NH needs to know that you are involved and going to be coming. Make the visits short but go every week. Your Mom may not always know but the staff will. NH patients who have regular visitors tend to get better attention from the staff.
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Reply to Bridget66
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 30, 2022
You’re right, the staff is aware of all visits.

There was a ‘sign in’ book placed near the front door where we entered my mom’s hospice home.

We signed our name and the time of our arrival. They kept records of everyone who visited. They also had cameras in the common areas and the resident’s rooms.

I don’t know if this was related to coronavirus or not. We were required to wear masks when we visited mom. Only two visitors at the time and so on.

My brother was in hospice long before Covid hit and he was in a different hospice facility. I don’t recall having to ‘sign in’ there. Still, the staff always said hello to us as we entered.
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If you have to cut something out of your day in order to fit everything in, visiting my loved one would not be what I'd cut. I'd learn to delegate tasks to others.

No one wants to feel like they're less important than someone else's shopping trip or party.
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Reply to MJ1929
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I go about once every two weeks or so due to distance & other factors, but I call every day at the same time. Mom actually knows it’s me calling, answers the phone saying my name sometimes. The consistency for calling has helped a loooooot. Some days are good, some are ehhhhh, but I think sticking to the schedule helps.

Also going to drive down and visit on Xmas. Not going to lie it feels awful and I’m the only relative to visit that day . But it’s the right thing to do so I put on a cheerful performance. Afterwards I’ll come back to my Xmas decorated home and have Chinese takeout. Last year it was Chinese takeout and one shot of whisky. Anyhoo this is what I’ve worked out.

I hope the holidays improve for all of us!
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Reply to Madisoncuckoo7
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Go more often.
Don't stay too long.
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Reply to Sendhelp
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I used to set aside days and times to go visit mom at her memory care ALF. I'd only stay for 45 minutes or so, even if she was tired or not in the mood to socialize, I felt it was important to lay eyes on her to see she was being well cared for, and also so she knew dh and I cared about her. At the holidays, I'd bring dinner and Christmas gifts by on a pre designated day so we could celebrate together, as we'd done for 60+ years prior. I also arranged a pizza "party" with her grandchildren one time, and things like that. The events were never very long, bc everyone has busy lives, but they were necessary for a variety of reasons, imo.

The only way to alleviate guilt is to set up times to go visit and then stick to that schedule. It doesn't have to be frequently, but once a week should suffice. You'll feel better in the long run.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Visit as much as you can. That goes against our cells that are crying out for more time. But that tine will run out (even if they are sleeping. They know you came. You can still softly talk to them or hum ir sing). Re-prioritize. Cast away uneeded and empty rituals. The people in your life and the time you spend with them, knowing you made your best effort, are what you'll remember and what will remain in your heart, good or bad, later on. The more you resist, the harder you make it on yourself. I resisted, stressed, resented. When I finally embaced my Mom's care, it became the hardest and BEST ever time of my life. I would do it all over again and would tske it back to have her back. What sits with me most? The one time I felt I should have given more. Try not to have any of that linger in your heart. That said, have balance so that you can be strong for others. I would have a day with husband and my horse every week. Coordinate others to be there so you can feel good about your Mom's life when you are not there. And as someone else said, call routinely. Every day at the same time is helpful. Or every other day. Or whenever you can. :) Bless you in this!!
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Reply to SueGood
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It’s not even a seasonal issue for me. I had been popping in every week. At least trying to. Was set to go Friday, hospital had a cancellation, husband got the spot so I accompanied him. Son had (minor) surgery Monday (accompanied him, helping him post-op). Today I have service people coming and an event.... so last Friday’s usual visit may not happen until this Thursday or Friday. Life occurs in the midst. Some days get out of control.

P.S. Consider your LO’s state of mind. My mother (97, bedridden, advanced dementia) told me I visit too often which interferes with her parents’ visits. So I’ve shed a bit of the guilt when I miss a week. She often says she’s too tired to chat, having spent yesterday at lunch and a play with her friends, or having just returned from a trip, or having spent the morning shopping. It sounds as if she isn’t bored in my absence.
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Reply to Anabanana
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If you can go 1 time a week that is great.
Staff is aware of residents that have family visit and one that have no visitors.
If all you can manage is 2 times a month then that is all you can do.
I find it odd that people that may have visited a parent a few times a year all of a sudden find it obligatory that they visit more often once mom or dad is in Memory Care, or a Skilled Nursing Facility.
Visit when you can for however long you can.
If all she wants to do is sleep let her do that, bring a plant or a tray of cookies for the staff (store bought).
(greet the staff when you arrive, say good bye when you leave. )
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Reply to Grandma1954
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I don't think people give seniors enough credit for their intelligence! She knows she is not a priority in your life and for you to come in and be upset that she did not want to get out of bed, I think this is a great opportunity to let you know how much she has meant to you. Take old photos to her and let her see her memories. This usually perks seniors up. Also, take time for a call. Give her an update on what the family is doing. You want to make her feel like a member of the family. I am sure you are doing the best you can. This is a terrible time for your Mom. She knows this is the LAST place she will live. It makes them look back on their lives and maybe realize she made mistakes and how she could have been better. She knows she has lost control of her life. Lots of people making decisions for her. Nurses, doctors and family members just to name a few! The more she knows you understand, the better she will feel.
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Reply to Aries032650
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ZippyZee Dec 7, 2022
This is perfect advice. Focus more on the quality of your visits than the quantity.
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