My dad is in a nursing home instead of living his dream retirement. How do I deal with the guilt?

I think maybe you're feeling sadness more than guilt?

He had all this time to get sober, take better care of himself and be good to you and your mother. He chose not to. It hurts to think he chose all that instead of you.

It could be that placing him crushed any last hope you had for him being the father you needed. Or at least acknowledge that he wasn't a good father. Somewhere deep inside, there's a girl who needed her daddy to be there for her. And he wasn't. And never will be. That's hard to accept. It can feel like a loss even when the person is still alive.

It can't be guilt because you've done nothing wrong. Think of it as grief. Keep celebrating the breaking of the chain of abuse. When you feel guilt, start counting his blessings for him -- then you will see you have nothing to feel badly about his current situation. Many who didn't live recklessly are in far worse positions, wishing for a daughter like you. May you accept peace in your heart!

You've done what needed to be done. You have ensured he's safe, cared for, and getting the best care you can give. You were not able to do it yourself, but that doesn't mean you aren't providing care for him.

You have not earned guilt, but rather praise. You could have just walked away and left him to his own devices after your childhood, but you've chosen the love part of that love/hate relationship. I see nothing to be guilty about.

Guilt belongs to felons. Not to people attempting to do their best in tough circumstances. What you are feeling is the "other G word" which is grieving. As you said, no fun retirement for Dad. Instead he is in care. You say your father is not demented, and he is competent. Therefore know that he AGREED to go into care at some point, recognizing he can no longer care for himself. Otherwise no force on earth would be able to decide where he goes for placement. Competent people make their own decisions.
Guilt is a choice. It infers you could change things, but in all truth, without the sacrifice of your entire life, you could not, and even if you DID that, it's unlikely you could change things overmuch. You are not God, and thus not omnipotent. Not a good fairy and thus you have no magical wand. Life doesn't have a "fix it" for all things.
Accept your human limitations. Embrace them. They are a real fact of life. Visit and know (which I suspect you already DO know) that you are doing a good deal more than many would, and than many would expect from you.
I wish you the best. Choose the right word, because the words we repeat over and over to ourselves matter. If you need to label yourself with a Scarlet G, make it "Grieving".

Unfortunately, the chickens come home to roost for us when we get to retirement age, so a good number of us don't have the retirement of our dreams. Then again, many don't even make it TO retirement age and wind up dropping dead before we get there. I remember when my cousin was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer at the age of 40. He decided to fulfill his lifelong dream of moving to Hawaii and living on the beach. So he did. But once he got there, the beach was filled with homeless people and he became one of them. His dream was shattered and he had to move back to the states and deal with his cancer instead of life on the beach.

You did the right thing for your father, so I'm not sure where the 'guilt' is coming from. Your father is in a SNF due to his own poor choices in life that he made over decades, that could have been changed at any time, but weren't.

Most of us reap what we sow.

I feel like your dad is fortunate to have you to care for him, honestly. He's being cared for in the SNF and THAT is what really counts. Please find a way to move past the guilt and on with your life that he's ruined enough of already.

Good luck to you.

I am in a very similar situation to you, except my dad was not an alcoholic. But he just turned 90 and we just had to move him into a nursing home, all because of his poor decisions coupled with progressing Parkinson's and CHF, type 2 diabetes, and more. I am an only child also and my dad was terrible with money, never saved a dime, has loads of cc debt, and we spent any savings on care for my mom who passed away 6 years ago. So now I have to clean out his huge house of 45+ years and sell it quickly to pay for the nursing home care. I am resentful of how hard and what a burden this had been on me - I also have a daughter who is a teen and still needs me, plus a job. Then I feel guilty for being resentful and am also feeling guilt of placing him in LTC. But he lived alone for 7 years, did mostly well till the past 6 months when the Parkinson's progressed and caused some minor falls and walking issues, and some cognitive decline. Then he had a big fall, wasn't found for who knows how long because he insisted on living alone, and only had part-time caregivers, who found him. So he went to the hospital, had surgery, then short rehab where he didn't make any progress and now he's staying there for LTC. I do feel guilty because I know he's unhappy but he's left no other choice because he has no money to pay private care 24/7 and it's too expensive anyway. So i get all the feelings you are experiencing. I get mad then resentful then feel guilty and sad. It's a lot. Just know we are both doing the right thing because our fathers will be safe and cared for. I have had to learn that that is my responsibility not to make him happy. That's his choice and his poor decisions have led to this point. It's all really hard and overwhelming. Try to give yourself some grace and know you're just doing your best. Onlies have it hard when there is no one else to share these burdens. I have my husband but he can only help so much.

The path to one's "dream retirement" is one that involves saving, living below one's means, attention to good health habits and healthcare and a certain amount of luck regarding genes.

It is NOT your job to fund his retirement; neither was it within your locus of control to guide his choices.

Who's "dream retirement" is he not living? Your idea of a dream retirement or his?
Wow. I started to write a response 3 times and deleted it because each sounded not the way I intended.
So I am going to start again.
You have nothing to feel that "G" word about.
Placing him in a facility that will ensure his safety is the best thing that you could have done for him. Had you not done so I am sure his life would not be the idyllic retirement that either of you would picture.
I am sure he can still fish if someone can take him and make sure that he is safe doing so. You can look into fishing groups and see if anyone would take him, (I know there are Veteran groups that do this with/for Veterans in my area. If your dad is a Veteran look into that.)
The last of your question...
"When does this weird guilt subside"?
The answer to that is up to you.
When you understand you have nothing to be guilty about or for.
When you understand that most or all of his health problems are of his own doing.
When you understand that what you have done for him was/is in his best interest.
And on and on.
He may not have been the dad you wanted but what he did give you was an understanding of what type of parent NOT to be. The desire to break a cycle.
And do not feel "G" about asking them to put you through college. They could have said no that they could not afford it. But all parents want their kids to do better than they did. (and you did) I am sure what he spent on smoking and drinking could have put you through college.
Now that he is in an environment where he is not drinking (I hope) maybe you have a chance to talk to him, learn about him in a way that you couldn't before when you were picking up the pieces.

So bad choices, even if he was able to manage in his own house, would probably mean not taking proper care of himself. Although, it might have turned out that he passed away at home doing his thing. At least he is now getting meds correctly and will probably do better with monitored help. And you aren't the caregiver.

Maybe he didn't do everything like your 'dream' father would have done. There are lots of parents out there who didn't make bad choices regarding saving money for old age - they just had very little to save. Not everyone gets to make the huge bucks all their life - some are the CEO's and some are the custodians of the building. Even you acknowledge that he helped pay for college to give you a better life. So being at the facility is not a bad thing and there's still time to create some better memories .

That means it's still possible to go fishing on the pier. Rent a beach house. Talk with him. If he can't walk, wheel him to the pier, cast the rod and let him remember how it feels to reel in a fish. Many lake areas have cabins and concrete walks around lake or to a pier to fish. You can even make it a day trip to spend quality time with him. Give it a try. Can't hurt.

When you take responsibility for your own life and let people take responsibility for theirs. Your father is not your child, he made his bed with his poor decisions and now he has to lie in it.

Call me disgruntled, but I’m sick of people who have made bad decision after bad decisions their whole lives and expect people to pick up the pieces in their old age when they no longer can…..

Create a mantra every time you have guilt, shame, anxiety arise. One of my personal favorites, “I can float through anything” or “I am responsible for me”

Youve done your part. He is safe and cared for in the nursing home. If he wasn’t there, he still wouldn’t be living out his retirement dreams due to lack of funds and physical health. Neither or which are or ever we’re your responsibility.