My dad is in a nursing home instead of living his dream retirement. How do I deal with the guilt?

It can't be guilt because you've done nothing wrong. Think of it as grief. Keep celebrating the breaking of the chain of abuse. When you feel guilt, start counting his blessings for him -- then you will see you have nothing to feel badly about his current situation. Many who didn't live recklessly are in far worse positions, wishing for a daughter like you. May you accept peace in your heart!

You've done what needed to be done. You have ensured he's safe, cared for, and getting the best care you can give. You were not able to do it yourself, but that doesn't mean you aren't providing care for him.

You have not earned guilt, but rather praise. You could have just walked away and left him to his own devices after your childhood, but you've chosen the love part of that love/hate relationship. I see nothing to be guilty about.

Unfortunately, the chickens come home to roost for us when we get to retirement age, so a good number of us don't have the retirement of our dreams. Then again, many don't even make it TO retirement age and wind up dropping dead before we get there. I remember when my cousin was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer at the age of 40. He decided to fulfill his lifelong dream of moving to Hawaii and living on the beach. So he did. But once he got there, the beach was filled with homeless people and he became one of them. His dream was shattered and he had to move back to the states and deal with his cancer instead of life on the beach.

You did the right thing for your father, so I'm not sure where the 'guilt' is coming from. Your father is in a SNF due to his own poor choices in life that he made over decades, that could have been changed at any time, but weren't.

Most of us reap what we sow.

I feel like your dad is fortunate to have you to care for him, honestly. He's being cared for in the SNF and THAT is what really counts. Please find a way to move past the guilt and on with your life that he's ruined enough of already.

Good luck to you.

When you decide to stop.
Abolish any guilt, you are not responsible for your father drinking and choices he made.If anything can help from my point of view, my experience with my first alcoholic husband was similar. Guess what, guilt was dominating my life.
Always guilty of something, anything and everything was always my fault, until I realized it was not my fault and marriage ended. Drinking was his choice and his only love.
Most alcoholics if not all will do anything to justify their habit and manipulate, guilt. Enjoy and celebrate your life!

I am in a very similar situation to you, except my dad was not an alcoholic. But he just turned 90 and we just had to move him into a nursing home, all because of his poor decisions coupled with progressing Parkinson's and CHF, type 2 diabetes, and more. I am an only child also and my dad was terrible with money, never saved a dime, has loads of cc debt, and we spent any savings on care for my mom who passed away 6 years ago. So now I have to clean out his huge house of 45+ years and sell it quickly to pay for the nursing home care. I am resentful of how hard and what a burden this had been on me - I also have a daughter who is a teen and still needs me, plus a job. Then I feel guilty for being resentful and am also feeling guilt of placing him in LTC. But he lived alone for 7 years, did mostly well till the past 6 months when the Parkinson's progressed and caused some minor falls and walking issues, and some cognitive decline. Then he had a big fall, wasn't found for who knows how long because he insisted on living alone, and only had part-time caregivers, who found him. So he went to the hospital, had surgery, then short rehab where he didn't make any progress and now he's staying there for LTC. I do feel guilty because I know he's unhappy but he's left no other choice because he has no money to pay private care 24/7 and it's too expensive anyway. So i get all the feelings you are experiencing. I get mad then resentful then feel guilty and sad. It's a lot. Just know we are both doing the right thing because our fathers will be safe and cared for. I have had to learn that that is my responsibility not to make him happy. That's his choice and his poor decisions have led to this point. It's all really hard and overwhelming. Try to give yourself some grace and know you're just doing your best. Onlies have it hard when there is no one else to share these burdens. I have my husband but he can only help so much.

The path to one's "dream retirement" is one that involves saving, living below one's means, attention to good health habits and healthcare and a certain amount of luck regarding genes.

It is NOT your job to fund his retirement; neither was it within your locus of control to guide his choices.

I think maybe you're feeling sadness more than guilt?

He had all this time to get sober, take better care of himself and be good to you and your mother. He chose not to. It hurts to think he chose all that instead of you.

It could be that placing him crushed any last hope you had for him being the father you needed. Or at least acknowledge that he wasn't a good father. Somewhere deep inside, there's a girl who needed her daddy to be there for her. And he wasn't. And never will be. That's hard to accept. It can feel like a loss even when the person is still alive.

Guilt belongs to felons. Not to people attempting to do their best in tough circumstances. What you are feeling is the "other G word" which is grieving. As you said, no fun retirement for Dad. Instead he is in care. You say your father is not demented, and he is competent. Therefore know that he AGREED to go into care at some point, recognizing he can no longer care for himself. Otherwise no force on earth would be able to decide where he goes for placement. Competent people make their own decisions.
Guilt is a choice. It infers you could change things, but in all truth, without the sacrifice of your entire life, you could not, and even if you DID that, it's unlikely you could change things overmuch. You are not God, and thus not omnipotent. Not a good fairy and thus you have no magical wand. Life doesn't have a "fix it" for all things.
Accept your human limitations. Embrace them. They are a real fact of life. Visit and know (which I suspect you already DO know) that you are doing a good deal more than many would, and than many would expect from you.
I wish you the best. Choose the right word, because the words we repeat over and over to ourselves matter. If you need to label yourself with a Scarlet G, make it "Grieving".

Therapy may be what you need. Sounds like you are stepping in as his mommy, problem solver and savior.

He is responsible for his own retirement, his own circumstances that is not your burden to bear. He has created his own sadness you did not.

Honestly, I cannot wrap my head around why you are self-imposing yourself with guilt, you owe him nothing.

He is safe, fed and cared for so why not start living your life and not worry so much about his?

I think let go of the idea that a poor health or less than ideal circumstances are the result of one's sins or poor judgment or a punishment. That isn't always the case, or ours to assume. Look around the world. It is the human condition for most people at some time. If he was always a serious drinker, volatile, and unable to negotiate life's problems, there is no reason to expect his attitude to improve as things get worse. Things are what they are, he can accept them and go on, or bewail them, as can you. Chances are the former is a better choice, but good choices have never been his forte. In fact, his current situation is much better than that of most humans ever. But, what are you going to do? With luck, you have some good years ahead of you. How do you want to negotiate them, is this guilt making it easier or changing his situation?

Hi SurfGirl,

Our stories are similar in so many ways. Im 59 dad is 78. He just wasn't there for us at all when we were younger. He totally lived for himself as if he didn't have children. Then came a time he had to take us in and that was a total failure. 40 years later he has dementia. I always knew this day was coming. And yet I was also feeling what I thought was guilt. I think we feel whatever it is that we are feeling because we are decent people. Because I have heard horror stories of kids that had good parents and yet they treated them badly. If it were up to my Narc sibling my father would be far away from us, i had to intervene. I made sure he is safe, and in a decent place I visit him. But I am living my life. Thats all you can do. But I will say, he does talk about how hard we had it, and he does say don't let me mess up your life. Do what is going to keep him safe and when those feelings pop up remember you are doing the best you can.

Who's "dream retirement" is he not living? Your idea of a dream retirement or his?
Wow. I started to write a response 3 times and deleted it because each sounded not the way I intended.
So I am going to start again.
You have nothing to feel that "G" word about.
Placing him in a facility that will ensure his safety is the best thing that you could have done for him. Had you not done so I am sure his life would not be the idyllic retirement that either of you would picture.
I am sure he can still fish if someone can take him and make sure that he is safe doing so. You can look into fishing groups and see if anyone would take him, (I know there are Veteran groups that do this with/for Veterans in my area. If your dad is a Veteran look into that.)
The last of your question...
"When does this weird guilt subside"?
The answer to that is up to you.
When you understand you have nothing to be guilty about or for.
When you understand that most or all of his health problems are of his own doing.
When you understand that what you have done for him was/is in his best interest.
And on and on.
He may not have been the dad you wanted but what he did give you was an understanding of what type of parent NOT to be. The desire to break a cycle.
And do not feel "G" about asking them to put you through college. They could have said no that they could not afford it. But all parents want their kids to do better than they did. (and you did) I am sure what he spent on smoking and drinking could have put you through college.
Now that he is in an environment where he is not drinking (I hope) maybe you have a chance to talk to him, learn about him in a way that you couldn't before when you were picking up the pieces.

You don’t have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You were the child. You didn’t ask to be conceived. As parents it’s their duty to be sure you had an education and to aid you to extend that education to be who and what you are today. I’m so sorry you didn’t get to spend more time with the parent that was there for you the most. Allow the caregivers to care for your Father. Forgive him for not being the man he should of. The forgiveness is for you so you can move on it will diminish the guilt you feel. Perhaps talking to a Therapist can help you put things in better prospective as well as help you be an even more better you for your daughter. Nobody’s perfect. We all fall down. Pray for your Father. Cherish him if you can while he’s still here. I’m sure he hated that he wasn’t a better Father. The alcohol probably aided him in burying his hurt, and helped him deal with his own demons he was dealing with. Without him you wouldn’t be here to have your beautiful daughter. You were blessed that the generational curse didn’t hit you. If he is mentally stable talk to him about how you feel. Communication can change things. He’s still alive as there are reasons for every thing. It will lift the burden of guilt off your shoulders. What was done was in the past. Don’t allow it hurt your future. Live your life with your daughter while you can still and allow GOD To change your broken heart and make it whole. You were given a daughter have that girl time you always wanted with her. Your doing a good job!
Best Wishes to you

I've had no contact with my father for at least 20 years. It is the best way for me to deal with him and the kind of person he is. I was in therapy for quite some time, and it certainly has helped me a lot! I hope the same for you. The weird guilt subsided for me when at a family funeral my father (not demented, quite healthy, sane and still practicing law) did not recognize me at first-cause at that point it'd been about 6 years since I'd seen him. Yep. Time to enjoy life, feel the sun on your face, look up at a clear blue sky, take a walk, maybe have some ice cream. If you haven't yet, look into therapy, if the first therapist doesn't click with you, look for another, they'll understand, and if they don't-well...keep looking! So nice to read you have a great relationship with your daughter, that is a treasure.
Keep us posted on the next steps you're taking.

Weird is the operative word here. What in the universe makes you think you should feel guilty?

Sounds like your Dads poor decisions and lifestyle are the reason he has no retirement money. If he did have money, what would he be doing? Drinking? Otherwise squandering? Of course he would. His issues with his mother (your grandmother) may or may not be the reason for his poor life choices. It’s in the past and doesn’t really matter at this point. Your Dad turned out how he turned out. Now it’s time to quit dwelling on stuff you cannot change or control.

I know seeing your Dad get old and feeble is hard…that’s normal. However you should not feel guilt at all. You should feel proud that you have done the best thing possible to ensue your Dad is safe and taken care of. You should feel proud that you’ve broken the chain of dysfunction for your own family.

Visit your Dad, and try to make some nice memories before he comes to the end of his life. But don’t feel guilt if you can’t. If his ability to make decisions and care for himself is affected, sometimes it’s really hard to make a “connection”.

Do the best you can in visiting and quit teaching your daughter it’s ok to feel bad about stuff you had no control over.

I wonder if there is such a thing as obsessive compulsive guilt disorder. 

Maybe there is some kind of unconscious pleasure resulting from a truly unconscious self-aggrandizing mechanism that makes a person feel they could be the reason, THE motivation for other people’s misfortune or their possible life’s remedy.

Could this feeling of yours be under the umbrella of survivor’s guilt? I don’t know.

I’m not even answering your post here in particular but instead the overwhelming number of posts from good people, including my own beliefs during a very long period of my life that I can make my parent, sister, brother lives better. A superman ego?

You're mixing sorrow with guilt. Your responsibility, as a self-respecting human being in this case, stops after making sure your dad, is being taken care of. He's sheltered, fed and in a clean environment.

Very interesting reading “…..pain he caused my Mom over the years”. Pain he caused you. Pain he caused your child to have such a grandfather. Pain he cause your child who sees a sad mom. Don't bother with the fake brave bandaid. Wipe this out of your brain. It always shows no matter what you think. You'll be a completely different person.

You’re not feeling guilt, you’re mourning a life that could’ve been nicer. Many of us are in the same boat. You have to change your thoughts when they go there. Play music, play with or give your child a hug. Get on the phone order a pizza or make a date with a girlfriend.

When does this weird guilt subside? How is it that you already know it’s WEIRD guilt? Why do you feel a need to cater to the offending person? Your dad chose many bad things over you and your mom.

I’ll play along with this crazy “When does this weird guilt subside?” 
Your guilt may be quelled if you write the person you offended a letter of regret for your offense. Be certain to include in that letter; admittance of your guilt; your apology and how you will make amends; and mention that you’ve learned from the past and that you’ll feel great gratitude for their forgiveness.

Or,

Stop being your mom (may she rest in peace) who didn’t or couldn’t stop his behavior, or walk away from such a life.
Stop taking on other people’s guilt for them.
Consider learning how to clarify and identify the personal conflict in yourself (short term therapy or read).
Be more assertive. It was what it was. Good bye Was.

Don’t argue with him, (pointless), but don’t carry his guilt, internalize his guilt or apologize for him.

Why are you enjoying this feeling? It does not belong to you. Mourn, be sad and let the dang thing go for you and your kid.

So bad choices, even if he was able to manage in his own house, would probably mean not taking proper care of himself. Although, it might have turned out that he passed away at home doing his thing. At least he is now getting meds correctly and will probably do better with monitored help. And you aren't the caregiver.

Maybe he didn't do everything like your 'dream' father would have done. There are lots of parents out there who didn't make bad choices regarding saving money for old age - they just had very little to save. Not everyone gets to make the huge bucks all their life - some are the CEO's and some are the custodians of the building. Even you acknowledge that he helped pay for college to give you a better life. So being at the facility is not a bad thing and there's still time to create some better memories .

That means it's still possible to go fishing on the pier. Rent a beach house. Talk with him. If he can't walk, wheel him to the pier, cast the rod and let him remember how it feels to reel in a fish. Many lake areas have cabins and concrete walks around lake or to a pier to fish. You can even make it a day trip to spend quality time with him. Give it a try. Can't hurt.

"He is being taken care of." Well, that's the best you can do for an alcoholic in the last chapter of his life. Your mother chose him for a husband and ultimately, the father of her child. Drugs and alcohol kill relationships and people.

Move on and live your best life.................you didn't ask for the life you got either, but at least you have time to live a better life than either one of your parents did.

There is an organization called, "Adult Children of Alcoholics." They have written books on the subject too.

You question is “when does this weird guilt subside?” …….when you take the steps to get yourself into counseling. I needed to do the same.

you will learn that this “guilt” may be inherited trauma. Sounds like you have taken steps to stop the toxic pathology you learned from your parents to help your daughter but please consider counseling so you can be healthy for yourself.

good luck. 🙏🏽🙏🏽

It should have stopped a long time ago. your dad is the one who be feeling guilty! If he's not living his 'Retirement Dream' it's because he prefer booze to a secure life.
you've done everything for him, what exactly has he done for you? It's time to get off your back, shrug off the guilt and start living your own life! If your mom were alive, what do think she'd say? She'd want you to take care of yourself.
Your dad will be alright I promise you. I'm not suggesting leaving your dad, I'm suggesting leaving the GUILT. 58 is too old to continue looking after dad without help, and too young to let life pass by. Join clubs, have a night out once in a while get together with friends. When enough time passes say about two months visit dad and see if there're any changes in his attitude. But first and foremost, take care of yourself. NO MORE GUILT TRIPS!

Good luck and God Bless!

Thats why people should live life to the fullest when they are young because you never know what will befall you in your old age.

When you take responsibility for your own life and let people take responsibility for theirs. Your father is not your child, he made his bed with his poor decisions and now he has to lie in it.

Call me disgruntled, but I’m sick of people who have made bad decision after bad decisions their whole lives and expect people to pick up the pieces in their old age when they no longer can…..

Create a mantra every time you have guilt, shame, anxiety arise. One of my personal favorites, “I can float through anything” or “I am responsible for me”

Youve done your part. He is safe and cared for in the nursing home. If he wasn’t there, he still wouldn’t be living out his retirement dreams due to lack of funds and physical health. Neither or which are or ever we’re your responsibility.

Please drop the guilt. Life is difficult when our health fails, and if we don't make plans for a time when we need assistance, we must accept the solutions that are given to us. You are doing your best to make sure he has good care. You are being a responsible and caring daughter. One question, could you hire an aide (I'd guess that a man would be preferable) to take him fishing occasionally? Do you think he would be capable of doing that and would enjoy it? Seek counseling or therapy for yourself to help you thrive while you are a caregiver for your father. If you could resolve some of your issues about him you will be happier, and you will be able to focus on making his last days as positive as possible, and on having a good life with your daughter. All the best to all of you!

Yes your statement below may be true;

"I had to put my Dad in a long-term facility because he just can’t take care of himself anymore".

But what about this statement?

*The mixture of Dad's life choices, fate & plain old age put him where he is lives today*

Seems you are on the right track. You may need to remind yourself that he didn't do anything to make his dream a reality. That, and that you are making sure his is cared for,

Reading this, I had a vision. There ought to be an assisted living home on a lazy river somewhere with a dock out back where the residents can fish all day if they want. Totally unrealistic, of course, but a nice dream.

SurfGirl: Prayers sent.

Your Dad did not prepare and save for his dream retirement. He drank and made por choices. Not your fault or your problem to fix.

You did the correct thing. He can’t take care of himself and nor can you take care of him. His health will only continue to decline as time goes on. Visit him when you can. Encourage him to partake in nursing home activities when possible and make new friends. This is his new life. He will adapt in time. Get him out to eat once a month if you can and he is able. You can still be his nursing home advocate, but go enjoy your life! He enjoyed his on his terms when he was younger. We’re all going to get old and need help in some fashion. He’s lucky to have you and be in a long term care facility. I had to make this same decision for my MIL and her husband, as well as for a friend who passed a month ago. No, it wasn’t easy. I had to work, and their health had declined to a point that they needed around the clock care and a skilled nursing facility. You have to admit to yourself that you can’t do it alone. It’s okay to need and get outside help for a family member. Your Dad is getting meals, snacks, and medications brought to him. He’s getting assistance with showers. He has a lot of good help and care. He gets to see many different people and not be lonely. Loneliness is a horrible problem for aging adults at home. You may want to speak with a therapist to help you get through this transition. God bless you.

The guilt will subside when you let go of it, and I mean REALLY let go of it.
You may need the help of a therapist to achieve this. Definitely seek one out because they can truly help you to understand that your father's problems and health issues are not your fault.
So what if your parents helped you out with a college education. That's what parents are SUPPOSED to do. You're an only child so mom and dad don't get points for giving one child some money for college. That's really kind of minimal.
Your father is getting the best care and living in the best facility he can afford. You have helped him time and time again out of all the messes you've stated here. Bad decisions made due to alcohol, hoarded bug-infested apartments, all of it.
Yes, you have a better life than he does.
Why is that?
Because you made better choices. You didn't give your life over to the drink as the way to cope with HIS abusive behavior. He did to cope with his mother's abuse. That's not your fault. You did not make that choice for him. He did.
There are many people in the world who have a better life than you do. None of them are feeling guilty or miserable over it.
Everyone has a right to live their own life. No one has to give their life over in servitude to become a nanny-slave to a needy, elderly parent. Especially if there is a history of abuse and dysfunction there. No one has to beat themselves up with guilt because they refuse to die a martyr on Caregiver Hill.
You aren't wrong, my friend. Your father chose his life and made his own life choices. It had nothing to do with you.
Parents sometimes have a knack for blaming the kids for why their lives suck. My mother was always good at this. I told her many times that she really didn't have much going on before she married and had kids, so it wasn't like she was really giving anything up for us. If she didn't marry and have kids she would likely have become enslaved to caregiving for her needy, elderly, dysfunctional mother.
Live your life and enjoy whatever you can for as long as you can. Stay in touch with your father but you set the terms of the relationship.