Dad is sitting in his chair all day while I run around like a chicken with my head cut off doing this that and the other thing. My therapist is recommending "retraining him" to more independence and autonomy, and while I agree, I am struggling with the way he is subtly guilting me out of one side of his mouth, while encouraging me to "go, do, be!" out of the other.
I've got asked for a referral to therapy for him, and he's grumbly about it... doesn't think it will do any good. But neither is sitting on his bum, ignoring the world outside, and having me as his only friend.
Is this something others have encountered? I'm planning on taking my therapist's advice, but in the mean time, his responses to "what are you gonna do while I'm gone tonight?" are becoming increasingly annoyed as he announces "just hang out with the dog, I guess!"
Thoughts and Ideas appreciated.
Here we are 8+ years later, she is in assisted living, and guess who ruined my entire morning today with her phone calls? She's sad, lonely, and wants to move (again... this is her third assisted living facility in 5 years). She is waiting for some magical event to bring her happiness. It drains me. The stress of it all, shouldering so much for two needy parents.
First it damaged my mental health. Then it damaged my career. Then it damaged my marriage. And then guess what? I was diagnosed with cancer in 2024 (age 57). After chemo and surgery, it appears I will be OK. Guess who has already forgotten about that? My mom who calls me multiple times per day to dump her unhappiness on me. So set your boundaries before it's too late!
This is all too familiar.
The way I see it caregivers are responsible for care and safety. If he sits on his bum all day, so be it.
Stop feeling guilty and thinking you need to solve all his problems and tap dance to keep him happy.
And while your profile doesn't say that you're living with your parents, the fact that you put your post under "Multi-generational Living" tells me you are.
Your father seems quite content to just sit and be and hang out with his dog, so why does that bother you so? You do NOT have to be at his beck and call, yet you choose to be and then get mad at him because you haven't learned how to use the word NO yet.
It's time to teach your father how to order his own groceries to be delivered and how to call for an Uber if he needs to go somewhere, that is if he's not driving anymore.
And then it's probably time to think about moving out and letting him figure out life by himself, or with your mother if she's still in the home. You can still check on him/them once a week if you want to, but I certainly wouldn't do anymore than that, as it really doesn't sound like he needs you to be there full-time anyway. Or at least by what you've shared.
As long as you continue to enable your father he will never step up tp do for himself. So let's start today by using that 2 letter word NO when he wants you to do something for him that he can do for himself, and see just how much better you will feel.
And the fact that you say in your profile that your parents didn't plan for their retirement well, does NOT mean that you are their retirement plan. If money is an issue then they'll have to apply for Medicaid and if your mother is still in the home with dementia, she may in time have to be placed in a Medicaid facility.
You are NOT responsible for your parents. Apparently your sister has already figured that out by moving many miles away.
Now it's your turn to figure that out as well.
I wish you well in doing just that.
Yes, I live with my dad and my teenage daughter (when she's not at her dad's). Mom moved in with us early June only to go to memory care for dementia with Lewy bodies within 24 hours of that move. Dad has been largely catered to by her for over a decade, and can name off all the things he's not in control with, his health issues, etc. I didn't expect this to be a walk in the park, but I also didn't expect to get this much pushback on him doing ANYTHING to better himself or live a full life of his own volition. That's shame on me, quite honestly. The issue is that he's SHOWING his discontent, even tho he's SAYING he's "fine." Some of that mind reading and guilt on my part comes from 18 years in a toxic abusive marriage that just ended 3 months ago for me, so I'm learning new patterns too. He's content to do the things I offer him, SOMETIMES, but then is demanding about HIS NEEDS when things get at all uncomfortable. My situation financially is not stable enough TO move out on my own... blame my ex and the decisions we made together to have me be a stay at home parent...
There's a lot here... thanks for listening and giving your thoughts.
It is not your responsibility to make your father happy, and it is not within your control to make your father feel less lonely. People can be lonely even in a crowd.
If there is anything you are doing that your father can do himself, give him the opportunity to do it. I know this can be frustrating, because we see them struggling and think we can do it faster or better, however, this contributes to them feeling useless and makes them more dependent.
If he's someone who loves being waited on, and you don't enjoy it equally, it's time to step back and let him do things for himself that he's capable of doing.
Whenever he's guilting you, don't take the bait. If someone tried to make me feel guilty by saying they're just going to hang out with the dog, my response would be "that sounds wonderful - I'm jealous" (because one of my favorite things to do is hang out with my dog).
This made me smile 😊
It also demonstrates how different everyone feels about different things. One man's pleasure is another man's poison.
Guilt is something you need to move away from. Its an unhealthy emotion and pointless. You do what you can - and thats the end of it. Best wishes.
Guilt is when your behavior conflicts with your values. The options to rid yourself of the guilt are either adjust your actions or adjust your values.
Do you need to please your father's every wishes?
Perhaps you could make clear to your father what you are capable and willing to do. Then have a discussion with him, if that seems like it could be useful.
I think there is a way to be empathetic without feeling guilty. I'm not saying it is always easy, particularly with people we are close to, but setting boundaries can be very helpful for everyone concerned.
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