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Realistically how often are you able to visit your LO @ the NH? It just seems that there are not enough hours in the day as most of us work FT in addition to having kids & other responsibilities. Of course we feel beyond guilty for not getting there every week now and feel it will just get worse with all this stress in the month of December. Lately we've tried to make it a point to visit at least every other week even though the visits are very short and the last one she refused to get out of bed to visit with us saying she just wants to sleep so the nurse suggested we just let her do that. I guess there is more of a vent than anything but thanks for listening :)

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Go more often.
Don't stay too long.
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I used to set aside days and times to go visit mom at her memory care ALF. I'd only stay for 45 minutes or so, even if she was tired or not in the mood to socialize, I felt it was important to lay eyes on her to see she was being well cared for, and also so she knew dh and I cared about her. At the holidays, I'd bring dinner and Christmas gifts by on a pre designated day so we could celebrate together, as we'd done for 60+ years prior. I also arranged a pizza "party" with her grandchildren one time, and things like that. The events were never very long, bc everyone has busy lives, but they were necessary for a variety of reasons, imo.

The only way to alleviate guilt is to set up times to go visit and then stick to that schedule. It doesn't have to be frequently, but once a week should suffice. You'll feel better in the long run.
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I guess it all depends on your previous relationship with her and how often you visited in normal times before the nursing home, and how far you have to travel will play a big part too. I stopped in to see my mom every day, but at that point in her life she was as helpless and dependent as a little child and needed an advocate who cared enough to check on her.
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If you have to cut something out of your day in order to fit everything in, visiting my loved one would not be what I'd cut. I'd learn to delegate tasks to others.

No one wants to feel like they're less important than someone else's shopping trip or party.
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Go at least once a week. The NH needs to know that you are involved and going to be coming. Make the visits short but go every week. Your Mom may not always know but the staff will. NH patients who have regular visitors tend to get better attention from the staff.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2022
You’re right, the staff is aware of all visits.

There was a ‘sign in’ book placed near the front door where we entered my mom’s hospice home.

We signed our name and the time of our arrival. They kept records of everyone who visited. They also had cameras in the common areas and the resident’s rooms.

I don’t know if this was related to coronavirus or not. We were required to wear masks when we visited mom. Only two visitors at the time and so on.

My brother was in hospice long before Covid hit and he was in a different hospice facility. I don’t recall having to ‘sign in’ there. Still, the staff always said hello to us as we entered.
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How close do you live? If you are couple hrs away, then no way for you to visit weekly.. If within a 45 min drive (one way), I'd say go once a week, even if only for an hour...
How is her health? How old is she? Does she enjoy seeing the G-Kids? Can they go with you twice a month?
Cut the visits short if she doesn't want you there...
Not easy. Hang in there <3
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Can you call before hand to see what kind of day she’s having? I saw that you posted that you went and your mom wanted to sleep instead of visit. Sometimes my mom wanted to rest too. Sometimes I just sat quietly with her until she woke up.

Do they have set hours or is it an ‘open door’ policy? If you are working all day it’s harder for you to find time to go.

Where my mom was we could go at any time. Sometimes I went in the morning, other times I went in the afternoon or near dinner.

Do you know how often that your mom would like to see you? We went often but my mom didn’t expect us to be there daily. She understood if we missed a day now and then.

The staff will let her know you were there if she is sleeping. I didn’t wake mom up when she was sleeping.

Just go as often as you can. You don’t have to stay extremely long. Let the staff know that they can call you anytime to keep you informed about how she is.

Do you have siblings that visit her regularly?

Are you able to speak with her on the phone? Sometimes when I was visiting mom, other family members would call my cell and FaceTime with my mom.
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I'd go every three weeks. I'd bring him some treats. The visits kept getting shorter and shorter because he had nothing to say. Once I put away the goodies we'd practically sit here in silence. All attempts I made to have a conversation with met with one-word answers. He didn't care about what was going on in my life so I stopped talking about that. Sometimes he would request to go someplace and we would make plans for that in the future. And yes it was hard to squeeze these visits in with everything else I had to do. All my father cared about was when I was coming to visit next. I'd point out I was there now so we could visit now and his only question was when was I coming again. Very frustrating.
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SueGood Dec 2022
Sounds to me like he loved your visits. Asking when your next visit is tells me was focusing on the next positive thing coming up. If he didn't say much, it tells me either he is not a conversationalist or he is feeling his age or has an infection and not up for talking. He may very well love hearing about your life. And if you generally talk about it, maybe he feels he doesn't need to ask. But I am guessing he likes it, especially if it is positive. Have you tried asking him questions, open ended ones about his life? This is the last chance to find out about family history and about him. Do you ask him about his place? Ask him what he likes and does not like. Ask if there is anything you can bring him. If he says nothing, gives ideas such as a radio. Ask specific leading questions. Often it is hard for them to even think of things. They need a little help. For instance any special goodies (and name some) he liked of yours in particular or fast food you can bring? Lol Can he hearcyou? That is another consideration.

Very important. Patiently listen. After you make succinct and slow questions to them. And one at a time. It takes much longer for older folks and we tend to talk over them, and don't wait for answers. They give up pretty easily after that, and stop trying to converse as much. They still love your presence, but they may just think of it as a loved one's chatter in the room for awhile. Which is beneficial too, just not interactive. Good luck and God bless!!!
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Ghee, this question is a challenge. Depends on your own situation, so I have some questions.

What is your marital status? Any children or other family who depends on your assistance?

What is your occupation? Does employer require regular full-time or part-time hours? Any required overtime or extended hours? Do you commute or work remotely? If commuting, how many miles from home?

If retired, any volunteering or travel for extended periods? What about hobbies or elective courses, credit or noncredit in your schedules.

Your own health or mental conditions?

I would say visit your LO about once a week, if possible, but it depends on the facility distance away from your place. Can you call your loved one or use another type of remote contact instead of, or in addition to, visitations?
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You are not alone. This particular
" holiday" season will put added stress in many forms on everyone, especially folks like yourself; if one allows it. Do not allow the patient ( loved one in facility or at home) nor other people, family, professional staff, workplace nor any other to at any time ( especially seasonal) decide for you what and when and how you will " do" the visits, etc.
Do what feels right for you and your loved one; short visits are equally if not better than long visits. A regular schedule of visit time ( s) that fits your full plate is best.
Your loved one is most likely tired and needs to sleep more . Be sure they have been assessed for emotional needs ( i.e depression).
Otherwise, spend brief quality visits with them, be present to them when you are there ( and not juggling the phone or computer ), tell them you love them and you will be back soon. Be sure that the facility Chaplain or personal pastor is visiting your loved one regularly.

Practice your self care for appropriate physical, emotional, spiritual health( you will need it for the journey ahead).
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If you can go 1 time a week that is great.
Staff is aware of residents that have family visit and one that have no visitors.
If all you can manage is 2 times a month then that is all you can do.
I find it odd that people that may have visited a parent a few times a year all of a sudden find it obligatory that they visit more often once mom or dad is in Memory Care, or a Skilled Nursing Facility.
Visit when you can for however long you can.
If all she wants to do is sleep let her do that, bring a plant or a tray of cookies for the staff (store bought).
(greet the staff when you arrive, say good bye when you leave. )
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Yes that happens a lot - I watched my brother sleep a lot - both my Mom and brother ended up in the ER on Christmas Day . Long story - they both died in 2017 - that was their Last Christmas together and I don’t even think each one knew they were at The ER at the same time . Christmas 🎄 is a time to relax .
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I’ll always advocate for every resident of any managed care setting to have someone visiting regularly to oversee and advocate for their care. It’s as simple as the staff seeing a family that cares, and it has an effect on them caring also. It’s important and it’s what any of us would want and need if it was us in that setting. Neglect can’t happen nearly as easily or often when families are involved and on site. My mother could barely communicate for much of her NH stay. The visits were often excruciatingly dull and no doubt we all wanted to be anywhere else. My now adult children went once a week, they didn’t complain but it was obvious that they felt awkward. Now they will all say they are so glad they were taken, and that it taught them valuable lessons in empathy and basic human kindness. I look back on so many visits I truly hated, so grateful I made myself do it
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I go about once every two weeks or so due to distance & other factors, but I call every day at the same time. Mom actually knows it’s me calling, answers the phone saying my name sometimes. The consistency for calling has helped a loooooot. Some days are good, some are ehhhhh, but I think sticking to the schedule helps.

Also going to drive down and visit on Xmas. Not going to lie it feels awful and I’m the only relative to visit that day . But it’s the right thing to do so I put on a cheerful performance. Afterwards I’ll come back to my Xmas decorated home and have Chinese takeout. Last year it was Chinese takeout and one shot of whisky. Anyhoo this is what I’ve worked out.

I hope the holidays improve for all of us!
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It’s not even a seasonal issue for me. I had been popping in every week. At least trying to. Was set to go Friday, hospital had a cancellation, husband got the spot so I accompanied him. Son had (minor) surgery Monday (accompanied him, helping him post-op). Today I have service people coming and an event.... so last Friday’s usual visit may not happen until this Thursday or Friday. Life occurs in the midst. Some days get out of control.

P.S. Consider your LO’s state of mind. My mother (97, bedridden, advanced dementia) told me I visit too often which interferes with her parents’ visits. So I’ve shed a bit of the guilt when I miss a week. She often says she’s too tired to chat, having spent yesterday at lunch and a play with her friends, or having just returned from a trip, or having spent the morning shopping. It sounds as if she isn’t bored in my absence.
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Visit as much as you can. That goes against our cells that are crying out for more time. But that tine will run out (even if they are sleeping. They know you came. You can still softly talk to them or hum ir sing). Re-prioritize. Cast away uneeded and empty rituals. The people in your life and the time you spend with them, knowing you made your best effort, are what you'll remember and what will remain in your heart, good or bad, later on. The more you resist, the harder you make it on yourself. I resisted, stressed, resented. When I finally embaced my Mom's care, it became the hardest and BEST ever time of my life. I would do it all over again and would tske it back to have her back. What sits with me most? The one time I felt I should have given more. Try not to have any of that linger in your heart. That said, have balance so that you can be strong for others. I would have a day with husband and my horse every week. Coordinate others to be there so you can feel good about your Mom's life when you are not there. And as someone else said, call routinely. Every day at the same time is helpful. Or every other day. Or whenever you can. :) Bless you in this!!
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I don't think people give seniors enough credit for their intelligence! She knows she is not a priority in your life and for you to come in and be upset that she did not want to get out of bed, I think this is a great opportunity to let you know how much she has meant to you. Take old photos to her and let her see her memories. This usually perks seniors up. Also, take time for a call. Give her an update on what the family is doing. You want to make her feel like a member of the family. I am sure you are doing the best you can. This is a terrible time for your Mom. She knows this is the LAST place she will live. It makes them look back on their lives and maybe realize she made mistakes and how she could have been better. She knows she has lost control of her life. Lots of people making decisions for her. Nurses, doctors and family members just to name a few! The more she knows you understand, the better she will feel.
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ZippyZee Dec 2022
This is perfect advice. Focus more on the quality of your visits than the quantity.
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Java15: Perhaps you can check with the staff to see how she's doing on the days that you can't visit. Also, perhaps she has the lucidity to use a telephone.
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Every other week is plenty.
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