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My mother is 95yrs old, I quit my job to stay home and care for her. I love my mother very much , but sometimes I feel so invisible. I have 4 older brother's. 2 live by us, and 2 live in other states. 1 of my brothers come by when its convenient, but it's usually just me and mom. When anything is brought up in conversation about my brothers, she can tell you every detail, but she doesn't seem to remember things that I've done, gifts I've given to her, trips we've taken together.


She has never been diagnosed with dementia or anything like it.


It hurts to know that she has no memories of me. Good or bad. When I bring any past memories of us into a conversation, she thinks I'm making it up. When she sees pictures, she looks at them and says " Now when was this taken" or I remember this trip, but I don't remember you being there."


We can have a conversation today but tomorrow she will swear she never said anything I repeat back to her. She's called my brothers and told them I'm putting words in her mouth and she thinks I'm trying to make her think she's losing her mind.


I'm here with her 24/7 and get no help from anyone, no days off, no one to sit with her so I might get a few minutes for myself. I have no income so I'm relying on her for financial support. She has visitors daily and I'm looked upon as hired help. She has me waiting on them hand and foot.


But this doesn't compare to all that she's done for me, so I keep my feelings to myself and suck it up.


But her not remembering me or anything we've done together is really tearing me apart. I thought we were so much closer in life than what it seems. We've talked and shared secrets and stories and now she knows who I am, she knows I'm her daughter, she just has no stories to tell, no memories to share.


I know there's probably nothing I can do about it, I guess I just needed to get this off of my chest, or out of my head. Thank you for letting me vent.


But any suggestions or solutions would be greatly appreciated.


Thank You. and


Merry Christmas

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Please find yourself a therapist cuz you're important also.
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That's awful, so sorry for your frustration. It's hard to believe that your mom is telling the truth about the selective memory. It wud be very mean for her to exclude you like that on purpose, so I hope it's not intentional. Looking back at your childhood, did she follow the same pattern of preferring your brothers over u?
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I'm so sorry you're facing such a terribly difficult situation!! It really sounds like your mother is 'gaslighting' you, in classic narcissistic fashion. Gaslighting is when a person tries to make you believe you're losing your mind. You KNOW she said something, then she turns around and denies it, badmouthing you to your brothers for 'lying' or making up stories. My mother is a huge narcissist & has done things like this forever. For instance, I grew up with her telling the story of her dad lighting matches, then putting them under the children's fingernails at the dinner table if they were speaking when they shouldn't be. Many years later I repeated that story to my cousin and somehow, it got back to mom. She called me up flabbergasted that I would 'make up such a story.' I was the one who was flabbergasted, frankly. In any event, I have no idea if your mother has exhibited narcissistic traits all her life, but if so, those types of behaviors are exacerbated in old age. She probably does have some type of dementia going on as well, despite never having been 'diagnosed' with it. I begged the ER doc to admit my mother a few years ago because I KNEW that she was suffering from dementia, but she plays such a good game that nobody believed me. I was the 'bad one', she was perfectly perfect. Long story short, she was admitted and failed the testing pretty badly, being diagnosed *finally* with progressive dementia. She's only gotten worse over the past couple of years, but still plays a fabulous game with others.

I wish I had some sage advice for you but I don't. Please make sure to take some time for YOURSELF and stop allowing your mother & her friends to treat you like a servant! Stand up for yourself and speak your mind, too! You are NOT the hired help and you don't need to be waiting on ANYONE hand & foot! I don't care WHAT your mother has done for you in the past, this type of behavior is unacceptable. Unless you state that fact, you'll continue to be taken advantage of.

I hope you can reach some agreeable place in this relationship, dear woman. Best of luck to you!
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