My M&D will probably both need care eventually, but I do not want POA for them. I am the only child, what advice do you have for me?

Talk to your Elder Law Attorney about getting a Court Appointed Guardian.

McKeez1,
Apologies in advance if this does not work for you. I was curious how Ai worked, so my dH asked Ai for me: Here is AI's answer:

"AI generated answer:

It's understandable that you may not want to take on the role of power of attorney for healthcare for your parents. Here are a few suggestions that may be helpful in this situation:

Consider hiring a professional caregiver to assist with your parents' needs. This can help to alleviate some of the burden on you and allow you to continue working full-time.
Look into local resources that may be able to provide assistance, such as adult day care centers or in-home nursing care.
Reach out to other family members or friends for support. They may be able to help with caregiving tasks or provide emotional support.
Consider joining a support group for caregivers. It can be helpful to connect with others who are in similar situations.
If your parents are still able to make their own healthcare decisions, it may be helpful for them to appoint a durable power of attorney for healthcare. This would allow them to choose someone they trust to make healthcare decisions on their behalf if they are unable to do so themselves in the future.
I hope these suggestions are helpful. It's important to remember to take care of yourself as well, as caregiving can be a demanding and emotionally draining role. "

When both my MIL and SFIL started to rapidly decline, I chose to proactively become their affairs manager (even though none of us were yet their PoA) *because* I could cleearly see their train wreck was going to land at our feet no matter what. My goal was to minimize it. My husband and his brother eventually become their Mom's DPoA but the control-freak SFIL wouldn't assign anyone, so he died alone with his Parkinsons in a terrible county-run Medicaid facility as a ward of the county.

If we hadn't chosen to help my MIL early on, the mess would have been very hard to ignore or avoid personal impact since we lived in the town next to them. I helped them almost daily for 1-1/2 yrs but at least I got to control what was happening and when, since I was a partner in our famiy business working full-time with 3 young sons and my own elderly Mom living next door. I don't regret jumping in early because I know it would have been so much worse.

Below you posted, "I live with my parents..."

My point being that PoA will allow you to minimize the impact of your parents' decline on your life -- unless you can walk away and be stone-cold uninvolved. Not sure how this will happen if you live with them. Also, remember this experience as you plan for your own declining years and exit.

If you do not want the responsibility that comes with a poa, you have, essentially, chosen to ignore their needs. No advice is possible except to reconsider your position.

I understand you don’t want POA. It is hard….

but the only thing worse than POA is not being POA.

Are they going to hire a guardian? (Very pricey!!$$$$). Would they prefer you use a different family member in that role?

The trouble comes when the POA they choose instead of you doesn’t, in your opinion, follow their wishes, or do what you would do, using your best judgment.

Would that bother you more than being POA?

There was a time when my mom in the moment changed her own “wishes.” She was very sick and wanted some life-saving measures. The hospital really didn’t want to prolong her life. I had to fiercely advocate to get Mom what she wanted. If I hadn’t been POA, her own wishes would not have been honored.

Although the role can be painful, not being in that role would have devastated me.

McKeez,

Your profile says that your parents are living with you in your home.

You have responded to Alva that you live with them.

Which is it?

If you live with them, move out and move on with your life. How old are you?

Are you familiar with Council on Aging? They can do a needs assessment for your parents and determine what options are available for them.

Your profile says that your mom has Alzheimer’s disease. Facility care would be the best option in my opinion. She isn’t going to recover and will require more care as time goes by.

Best wishes to you and your family.

I recommend talking to a family law attorney who can guide you in what you need to do while Dad is still cognitively intact.

i am POA for my parents (Dad Passed) and I am so glad I talked to them about this. They figured all they needed was to be POA for each other.

their needs got to the point that they couldn’t write a check, sign paperwork etc. by the time my Dad passed Mom was bed ridden, my brother passed etc. and I was able to take care of everything without jumping through hoops and spending tome in court.

When my Dad passed I went back to the lawyer and he made sure Moms estate wouldn't go into probate. The first thing he told me to do was be put on her bank account for example. I never would have thought to do that.

my long winded reply is simply to say, make life easier on you.

As I learned here from what My2cents mentioned, I hope you did not co-sign with either of your parents for a loan. If that is the case, contact an attorney right away without delay. You do not want to be responsible for loan payments on your mom and dad's behalf after anyone passes away. What may happen if you cannot afford to pay without one or both of your parents' assistance?

Mckeez1: The definition of Power of Attorney does not mean caregiver. Perhaps you can garner some information by working with your locality's social worker.

The POA is only going to make your life easier. You can handle most business for them with the form. If you have no other family to handle financial and other affairs for them, you would be the likely person because you live with them. Unless you did something like take out a loan in their name, you aren't going to be responsible to pay for things for them...just to get day-to-day things accomplished. It can even help you apply for Medicaid for them if they happen to need state assistance in paying for a nursing home bed.

With only a single relative who cannot be responsible, it's time to contact an eldercare attorney and social worker to assist with your mother's situation.

What happens if no POA can be available, or the only relative cannot do this responsibility? Will a lawyer then act as an agent if no one is available to handle a recipient's affairs?

I once knew someone over 25 years ago who was truly destitute and had absolutely no one to cover her affairs, so she used an attorney to act as her agent until she passed.

While the parents are cognitively appropriate to understand and make decisions, you should have this honest conversation with them and, make sure that their wishes ( the who , what , where, when, hows and whys of who will be POA, what you will or will not do etc are documented appropriately and signed by them. You will want to, in every ones' best interest, have this arranged by anElder Care Attorney.

Court Appointed Guardian! Please talk to your Elder Law Attorney who can help you strategize and maybe give you ideas on how you can plan your end-of-life plans, too.

OP, do you understand the purpose of having POAs in place? It's to protect you and to enable you TO place your parents in managed care AL or SNF when the time comes that they need such care and when you want to relinquish caring for them YOURSELF. As an only child myself, the first thing I wanted in place for my parents WAS financial and health POAs so I could make decisions FOR them. When dad fell and broke his hip, the rehab would not release him back to Independent Living. Thank God I had those POAs in place b/c I was then able to get him into Assisted Living, get mom OUT of IL and in with him in AL, pay all their bills, buy furniture for them in AL, dispose of their stuff in IL, etc. Without those POAs in place, I would have had NO access to their funds in order to do all those things, or the ability to sign FOR dad to place him in AL.

I had no intention to do hands on care for my folks which is why I wanted those POAs in place originally. My intent all along was to get them into IL and then AL when they became unable to live alone in IL. I needed to have the ability TO make those decisions FOR them, and that's why POA was required. Also to make all those financial decisions as to how their money would be spent over a 10 year period when they could no longer manage their own money. As financial POA, I was NOT responsible for any of their bills.........just for how their funds would be SPENT, that's important to note.

POAs can be your best friend, especially since you do not want to do hands on care FOR your folks during your retirement years. How else will you go about placing them in managed care w/o those POAs in effect? As POA for mom (after dad died), I got her into Memory Care AL due to her advancing dementia; as her POA, I had the power to make ALL of her decisions since she was incapacitated to do so. I was able to oversee all of her care and get all the medical info pertinent TO her care as her POA. W/o that document, only God knows what would've happened!

See an Elder Care attorney who can explain all this to you much better than I can, and much better than anyone here on the forum can. It'll be the best couple of hundred bucks you've ever spent.

Good luck.

I apologize for not addressing POA. It was an emotional response from my time caring for my mother-in-law and so I overlooked that important point by mistake.
It is always good to know one’s limits. Now is the time to start researching affordable care homes in your area and then go visit three of them and be prepared to inform your parents that although you can’t spend your retirement caring for them personally, you will be visiting them frequently and overseeing their care. I think it’s easier if they moved before one passes than if only one parent were left. God bless you and your parents.
Maureen

POA basically means you have decision making power. You don’t have to take care of them personally. The POA made life infinitely easier. It gave me access to all of my late brother’s health care needs. It will enable you to place them in memory care or an appropriate facility. At this point they require care that is more than you can give. I had to have POA to close out my brother’s utility account. My niece needed it to get a new title for his car. I lived 1600 miles away from my late brother so obviously I wasn’t immersed in his care. Go to an elder law attorney as soon as possible to seek their advice!

Find a new living arrangement for them that provides long term care. If you do this now, they will be able to pick what they like best. The time you spend with them going forward can be quality “together time” instead of care-centered. Work with an elder attorney to get all their affairs in order, then POA will not be fearful. You will only be following directions they verbalized.

The fact that you are asking this is a red flag of your frustration with your current living situation. Care providing will only intensify. Get out now so you can build your future.

If you live with them WITHOUT POA you are in a very helpless position. You have already taken on the duties of POA without the guidance, help, and powers that go along with it.
I honestly cannot imagine what you are going to do now, given you have putt he cart before the horse and have taken your parents into your home. Legally that makes it THEIR home whether they pay rent for it or not
You have painted yourself into a very bad corner indeed. I suggest you see an elder law attorney to find out that your options are now. You have taken on so much that it may be too late to step away without charges of abandonment. You cannot take in people who are nearly helpless, then wait until they ARE helpless and say "Whoops; only kidding. Out you go".
I wish you every luck and I hope you will update us on what advice you get.

Your question actually answers itself. You need POA so that you DON'T have to spend your retirement caring for them. unless your intent is to cut contact with them completely.

This sounds like a very dangerous situation—for you. You live with them so you are in a position to know what their problems are. But you don’t have the authority to do anything about it. I wouldn’t want to be you when the inevitable happens.

Without reading further I agree with 'rlynn' below that POA is essential so you can advocate for your folks; it does not mean you become totally responsible for all their care. When my mom was declining her doctor would no divulge Any info to me, saying I was not 'authorized' even tho I was her only living next of kin! It took some cousins visiting from hours away to cajole my mom into signing essentially a 'permission slip' to make her doc speak to me about the reality of her health situation. Then I could help even from several states away, set up care for her, monitor her situation, etc., and have the doctor be straight with me. If I'd had the POA things would have been much easier, flowed best for all concerned. I, too, am an only child, so it was 'all' on me, so why have to 'swim upstream' if there's a legal way to have your and your parents' path smoother?

I, too, am an only child, and they gave me POA when I was 20, long before I knew that I'd really need it. It let me be informed of their care when they each were in the hospital years down the road, it allowed me to talk to doctors on their behalf when they couldn't, etc. Like others have said, it doesn't mean that you're obligated to be their sole caregiver, it means that you can help get the care that they need.

Help get them into the care they need. Start looking now as there are waiting lists for many of the better places and start getting their finances in order. You may have to sell their home if they don't have enough income or savings to pay for their care. Which means you will have to find somewhere to live. So, lots of work ahead, but once you get them settled, it won't be so overwhelming and you will be able to have a life of your own.

As POA, you don't have to be the hands caregiver, but you can help them transition into the right facility. Then you can manage their finances and visit them. As their only child, I'm sure you want them safe and sound.

Yeah, you do want/need power of attorney (POA). Its the only way you will be able to make decisions on their behalf.

POA doesn’t mean you personally take care of them, You either hire someone (using their funds) or place them in a facility (using their funds or applying for Medicaid if they don’t have funds). But you can’t apply for Medicaid for them or direct any of their funds unless you first have POA.

See an elder care attorney ASAP, so you can control what happens to your parents. You need to have an understanding of how this system works to make proper decisions.

As POA you decide what course of action to take.
It does not mean you have to personally care for them.
It means you decide... do you hire, using their money, their assets, caregivers that come into the house OR do you place them in a facility that will meet their needs. That could mean Memory Care or Skilled Nursing if that is what they need.
The bottom line is you manage their money so that it goes as far as it can paying for their care. It means you manage their medical care. That can mean anything from you personally taking them to appointments or getting in home visits, to selecting Hospice to hiring a Care Manager that will report to you. (and parents pay for Care Manager)

POA does not mean "care giver.". It means " decision maker. " A POA would be able to arrange for placement or care as needed.

Please contact a social worker now to place your parents in a Medicaid licensed facility. If you yourself need financial assistance, go to your county for assistance. And read advice from our other readers for your parents' welfare.

We went thru a similar situation with our aunt as she had no children and we were all the family she had left. She didn’t live with us but reached the point she could no longer stay on her apartment by herself as she wasn’t eating, taking meds and that’s just the half of it. She ended up going to the ER with a severe UTI She was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks and we were guided by a social worker and some other staff who helped us get her transitioned into a skilled nursing facility which is exactly what she needed. We did not have a POA but everyone was willing to help us with all the paperwork etc and it took awhile but we eventually got her qualified for Medicaid. Long story short I think having a POA in place would have made the matter at hand much easier. Best of luck

If you live with them, and you help them with their care, you need a POA. I was full-time caregiver for my Mom, and it came in handy in a number of situations where decisions needed to be made.

I was also my Mom's Executor, and Health Care Proxy. My siblings were not involved. Each year, Mom and I would review these important documents, including her obituary. We would then sign and date a sheet noting we did this. I wanted to give her a sense of engagment and have a record that she was aware of what was going on. When she passed, I knew what I had to do.

The decline with your parents will sadly continue, and you need to decide what is best for them and for you. Having the POA is a tool to help you do just that. Please see your attorney.

Good Morning,

If you are living with your parents, you do have responsibility to make sure they are safe and cared for. Mother is incontinent, do you have a CNA coming in to change her and make sure she doesn't get UTI's or bedsores?

The Assisted Livings may not be the answer if your parents need "skilled" care. You need to form a team--home visits, Church people, meals, camera with text so if they wander until you decide what the long-term plan is. Basically, these things needs to be addressed in the immediate. You cannot do this all by yourself.

I would call a Social Worker and an Elder Attorney. If you go the Assisted Living route everything is "a la carte". Your mother sounds like she needs NH. Your dad possibly memory care--perhaps in the same facility with different tiers.

You can't let this go and I am sure that is why you are on this forum. An only child is tough because you don't have the option of running past ideas and brainstorming with siblings.

You need a plan in place and something in the immediate before the "emergency" happens. You could call your parents' primary care doctor for an assessment and work from there. Go on the portal and keep track of all of your parents test results and appointments.

Are they taking medication? Who dispenses it? There is a lot of info on this forum that will assist you. There is help out there. If your dad was a Veteran you can also put in for Veteran's Aid & Attendance. It is NOT a given but it's worth a try. Lots of paperwork.

There are also day respite programs that your dad could attend so he won't wander.

Hope this of some help...