My M&D will probably both need care eventually, but I do not want POA for them. I am the only child, what advice do you have for me?

I think you need to get some legal advice about what a POA actually means – even if you get it off Google. With a POA, you can hire a care director who will organise all hands on care (and check back to you only about major choices, if you wish). You do not need to do any hands on care, or even handle finances – if you choose to delegate that responsibly for finances. My dreadful father delegated all money issues to a Trustee Company. Legal POAs don't change diapers.

Without a POA, you have no power at all, even if you are very dissatisfied with what is happening with your parents. That includes if you think that your inheritance is being ripped off.

There are middle steps you need to know about, between ‘washing your hands’ of it all, and ‘taking on the burden’ yourself in person. Do some more checking before you make these decisions.

Who is helping to take care of your mother while you are working fulltime?

You may find yourself soon in a situation where others will view the situation as elderly neglect. So I would advise getting help from a social worker. If your parents can't afford in home help for care, you need to start planning on placing them in a nursing home. I was in a similar situation with my father. He gradually deteriorated to the point where he needed someone to be with him 24/7. I couldn't be that person because I had to work to make ends meet. Doctors and nurses saw the situation as dangerous but would offer no solutions. In hindsite I should have prepared earlier and had someone help me find placement for him. You have it twice as hard as you have 2 parents to take care of. Seek out help. now, visit your local Agency on Aging, seek out a SW to see what options are available and plan on preparing to place them in a care setting when necessary.

If your financial situation will change without their income anymore to help with the household bills, then you need to prepare for that as well.

I agree with MargaretMcKen in that you need to do a brief search online and find out what POA responsibilities are IN YOU STATE.

As an only child, I found POA responsibilities for my mother were straightforward and simple.

As a CO POA with an ignorant relative, the experience was a nightmare, and I presently consider myself to be “in recovery” from it.

You are VERY WISE to put your welfare FIRST.

Make an assessment of your mother’s and father’s assets. BE SURE that your assets do not mingle, and BE SURE that your planning for them does not include using your own funds for their care.

My concern is that you live with them, so you are aware of their conditions, could you be accused of elder neglect? IDK

POA's are very helpful, as only child to my father, I was able to make decisions for him when he was dying. I have one from my mother as well, she is in AL.

I would never care for either of them in my home or theirs, I use the POA to assist my mother is not to be her caretaker, I am her carehelper.

To Kmjfree- bear in mind that “….her perception of me….” has NOTHING AT ALL to do what you are obligated to do as power of attorney, but having the legal designation of POA can become VERY HELPFUL if you ultimately need to assume responsibilities regarding care/financial management or other aspects of her care.

I had no one but myself to be responsible too, but as my mother’s ONLY legal representative, the POA designation made everything easier, and not more complicated.

Do a little research before you decide…..

Being their PoA gives you the legal power to create a caregiving arrangement that is not onerous to you and but yet protects them. Without it, and without their cooperation, you won't be able to bring in help, or transition them to a facility very easily, if at all. You may need to resort to the county becoming their guardian, and then you will have little to no say in the management of their affairs (and no insight as you will be locked out of all their accounts). This would take time and effort. IMO being PoA will be helpful to everyone concerned.

I look at a POA as a tool. It does not obligate you to be their hands on Caregiver or be at their beck and call. It gives you the ability to gain access to their financials so you can pay bills and set them up with the care they need. If there is no money, you are not obligated to use yours. POA gives you the ability to find resources for them and to apply for those resources as their representative. One resource being Medicaid paying for their care.

Your parents should not be left alone if Dad can no longer care for Mom. You may want to call Office of Aging to evaluate your situation and help you find resources. I would say Moms ready for a Longterm facility. Dad maybe Memory Care.

Are you living with them? Get your own apartment. There’s excellent feedback here about getting a POA.

Good Morning,

If you are living with your parents, you do have responsibility to make sure they are safe and cared for. Mother is incontinent, do you have a CNA coming in to change her and make sure she doesn't get UTI's or bedsores?

The Assisted Livings may not be the answer if your parents need "skilled" care. You need to form a team--home visits, Church people, meals, camera with text so if they wander until you decide what the long-term plan is. Basically, these things needs to be addressed in the immediate. You cannot do this all by yourself.

I would call a Social Worker and an Elder Attorney. If you go the Assisted Living route everything is "a la carte". Your mother sounds like she needs NH. Your dad possibly memory care--perhaps in the same facility with different tiers.

You can't let this go and I am sure that is why you are on this forum. An only child is tough because you don't have the option of running past ideas and brainstorming with siblings.

You need a plan in place and something in the immediate before the "emergency" happens. You could call your parents' primary care doctor for an assessment and work from there. Go on the portal and keep track of all of your parents test results and appointments.

Are they taking medication? Who dispenses it? There is a lot of info on this forum that will assist you. There is help out there. If your dad was a Veteran you can also put in for Veteran's Aid & Attendance. It is NOT a given but it's worth a try. Lots of paperwork.

There are also day respite programs that your dad could attend so he won't wander.

Hope this of some help...

If you live with them, and you help them with their care, you need a POA. I was full-time caregiver for my Mom, and it came in handy in a number of situations where decisions needed to be made.

I was also my Mom's Executor, and Health Care Proxy. My siblings were not involved. Each year, Mom and I would review these important documents, including her obituary. We would then sign and date a sheet noting we did this. I wanted to give her a sense of engagment and have a record that she was aware of what was going on. When she passed, I knew what I had to do.

The decline with your parents will sadly continue, and you need to decide what is best for them and for you. Having the POA is a tool to help you do just that. Please see your attorney.

We went thru a similar situation with our aunt as she had no children and we were all the family she had left. She didn’t live with us but reached the point she could no longer stay on her apartment by herself as she wasn’t eating, taking meds and that’s just the half of it. She ended up going to the ER with a severe UTI She was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks and we were guided by a social worker and some other staff who helped us get her transitioned into a skilled nursing facility which is exactly what she needed. We did not have a POA but everyone was willing to help us with all the paperwork etc and it took awhile but we eventually got her qualified for Medicaid. Long story short I think having a POA in place would have made the matter at hand much easier. Best of luck

Please contact a social worker now to place your parents in a Medicaid licensed facility. If you yourself need financial assistance, go to your county for assistance. And read advice from our other readers for your parents' welfare.

POA does not mean "care giver.". It means " decision maker. " A POA would be able to arrange for placement or care as needed.

As POA you decide what course of action to take.
It does not mean you have to personally care for them.
It means you decide... do you hire, using their money, their assets, caregivers that come into the house OR do you place them in a facility that will meet their needs. That could mean Memory Care or Skilled Nursing if that is what they need.
The bottom line is you manage their money so that it goes as far as it can paying for their care. It means you manage their medical care. That can mean anything from you personally taking them to appointments or getting in home visits, to selecting Hospice to hiring a Care Manager that will report to you. (and parents pay for Care Manager)

Yeah, you do want/need power of attorney (POA). Its the only way you will be able to make decisions on their behalf.

POA doesn’t mean you personally take care of them, You either hire someone (using their funds) or place them in a facility (using their funds or applying for Medicaid if they don’t have funds). But you can’t apply for Medicaid for them or direct any of their funds unless you first have POA.

See an elder care attorney ASAP, so you can control what happens to your parents. You need to have an understanding of how this system works to make proper decisions.

Help get them into the care they need. Start looking now as there are waiting lists for many of the better places and start getting their finances in order. You may have to sell their home if they don't have enough income or savings to pay for their care. Which means you will have to find somewhere to live. So, lots of work ahead, but once you get them settled, it won't be so overwhelming and you will be able to have a life of your own.

As POA, you don't have to be the hands caregiver, but you can help them transition into the right facility. Then you can manage their finances and visit them. As their only child, I'm sure you want them safe and sound.

I, too, am an only child, and they gave me POA when I was 20, long before I knew that I'd really need it. It let me be informed of their care when they each were in the hospital years down the road, it allowed me to talk to doctors on their behalf when they couldn't, etc. Like others have said, it doesn't mean that you're obligated to be their sole caregiver, it means that you can help get the care that they need.

Without reading further I agree with 'rlynn' below that POA is essential so you can advocate for your folks; it does not mean you become totally responsible for all their care. When my mom was declining her doctor would no divulge Any info to me, saying I was not 'authorized' even tho I was her only living next of kin! It took some cousins visiting from hours away to cajole my mom into signing essentially a 'permission slip' to make her doc speak to me about the reality of her health situation. Then I could help even from several states away, set up care for her, monitor her situation, etc., and have the doctor be straight with me. If I'd had the POA things would have been much easier, flowed best for all concerned. I, too, am an only child, so it was 'all' on me, so why have to 'swim upstream' if there's a legal way to have your and your parents' path smoother?

This sounds like a very dangerous situation—for you. You live with them so you are in a position to know what their problems are. But you don’t have the authority to do anything about it. I wouldn’t want to be you when the inevitable happens.

Your question actually answers itself. You need POA so that you DON'T have to spend your retirement caring for them. unless your intent is to cut contact with them completely.

If you live with them WITHOUT POA you are in a very helpless position. You have already taken on the duties of POA without the guidance, help, and powers that go along with it.
I honestly cannot imagine what you are going to do now, given you have putt he cart before the horse and have taken your parents into your home. Legally that makes it THEIR home whether they pay rent for it or not
You have painted yourself into a very bad corner indeed. I suggest you see an elder law attorney to find out that your options are now. You have taken on so much that it may be too late to step away without charges of abandonment. You cannot take in people who are nearly helpless, then wait until they ARE helpless and say "Whoops; only kidding. Out you go".
I wish you every luck and I hope you will update us on what advice you get.

Find a new living arrangement for them that provides long term care. If you do this now, they will be able to pick what they like best. The time you spend with them going forward can be quality “together time” instead of care-centered. Work with an elder attorney to get all their affairs in order, then POA will not be fearful. You will only be following directions they verbalized.

The fact that you are asking this is a red flag of your frustration with your current living situation. Care providing will only intensify. Get out now so you can build your future.

POA basically means you have decision making power. You don’t have to take care of them personally. The POA made life infinitely easier. It gave me access to all of my late brother’s health care needs. It will enable you to place them in memory care or an appropriate facility. At this point they require care that is more than you can give. I had to have POA to close out my brother’s utility account. My niece needed it to get a new title for his car. I lived 1600 miles away from my late brother so obviously I wasn’t immersed in his care. Go to an elder law attorney as soon as possible to seek their advice!

I apologize for not addressing POA. It was an emotional response from my time caring for my mother-in-law and so I overlooked that important point by mistake.
It is always good to know one’s limits. Now is the time to start researching affordable care homes in your area and then go visit three of them and be prepared to inform your parents that although you can’t spend your retirement caring for them personally, you will be visiting them frequently and overseeing their care. I think it’s easier if they moved before one passes than if only one parent were left. God bless you and your parents.
Maureen

OP, do you understand the purpose of having POAs in place? It's to protect you and to enable you TO place your parents in managed care AL or SNF when the time comes that they need such care and when you want to relinquish caring for them YOURSELF. As an only child myself, the first thing I wanted in place for my parents WAS financial and health POAs so I could make decisions FOR them. When dad fell and broke his hip, the rehab would not release him back to Independent Living. Thank God I had those POAs in place b/c I was then able to get him into Assisted Living, get mom OUT of IL and in with him in AL, pay all their bills, buy furniture for them in AL, dispose of their stuff in IL, etc. Without those POAs in place, I would have had NO access to their funds in order to do all those things, or the ability to sign FOR dad to place him in AL.

I had no intention to do hands on care for my folks which is why I wanted those POAs in place originally. My intent all along was to get them into IL and then AL when they became unable to live alone in IL. I needed to have the ability TO make those decisions FOR them, and that's why POA was required. Also to make all those financial decisions as to how their money would be spent over a 10 year period when they could no longer manage their own money. As financial POA, I was NOT responsible for any of their bills.........just for how their funds would be SPENT, that's important to note.

POAs can be your best friend, especially since you do not want to do hands on care FOR your folks during your retirement years. How else will you go about placing them in managed care w/o those POAs in effect? As POA for mom (after dad died), I got her into Memory Care AL due to her advancing dementia; as her POA, I had the power to make ALL of her decisions since she was incapacitated to do so. I was able to oversee all of her care and get all the medical info pertinent TO her care as her POA. W/o that document, only God knows what would've happened!

See an Elder Care attorney who can explain all this to you much better than I can, and much better than anyone here on the forum can. It'll be the best couple of hundred bucks you've ever spent.

Good luck.

Court Appointed Guardian! Please talk to your Elder Law Attorney who can help you strategize and maybe give you ideas on how you can plan your end-of-life plans, too.

While the parents are cognitively appropriate to understand and make decisions, you should have this honest conversation with them and, make sure that their wishes ( the who , what , where, when, hows and whys of who will be POA, what you will or will not do etc are documented appropriately and signed by them. You will want to, in every ones' best interest, have this arranged by anElder Care Attorney.

With only a single relative who cannot be responsible, it's time to contact an eldercare attorney and social worker to assist with your mother's situation.

What happens if no POA can be available, or the only relative cannot do this responsibility? Will a lawyer then act as an agent if no one is available to handle a recipient's affairs?

I once knew someone over 25 years ago who was truly destitute and had absolutely no one to cover her affairs, so she used an attorney to act as her agent until she passed.

The POA is only going to make your life easier. You can handle most business for them with the form. If you have no other family to handle financial and other affairs for them, you would be the likely person because you live with them. Unless you did something like take out a loan in their name, you aren't going to be responsible to pay for things for them...just to get day-to-day things accomplished. It can even help you apply for Medicaid for them if they happen to need state assistance in paying for a nursing home bed.