Hi! I am new here. I just moved my parents closer to me into a senior community where they are in an Independent Living apartment.
My Dad had a lengthy stay in the hospital for vascular disease/amputation, followed by a 3 month stay in rehab. He has memory issues and has always been a bit rigid in his thinking.
The surprise of the move has been my mom. She treats my dad like he is a toddler and as if she is the far smarter person. But I now see that she has issues of her own! She is paranoid, has not seen a doctor in roughly 20 years, threatens my father with her fist in his face when she gets upset, and gets “moods” where she is just irrational for a whole day, and fine the next day. Is this dementia!? Who knows, because she won’t even go to my naturopath, much less an MD. My dad wants me to help them out every day, and my mom is jealous. It’s so bizarre.
Can anyone relate? And how do you deal with this insanity? I am thinking that once they are “settled” I need to step back, but I am concerned for my dad’s safety with her. She says she would never hurt him, but I am not so sure.
Regarding the not speaking , Don’t be their marriage counselor either .
You can manage things from a distance (somewhat). By becoming ever more involved in their personal interactions, you open yourself to a lot of anger, manipulation, cries for help, and your own anxiety. That can’t be good for any of you.
You have some good advice here. Heed it! Please let us know how it’s going. Good luck with making sure that you come out of this whole.
That is to say, stay out of it. Explain with the one that you don't wish to discuss the other and any squabbles and explain to the other that you don't wish to discuss the one and any squabble.
Easy.
I would seriously move father to a care centre. He will be abused.
He may be used to it but that doesnt make it right. As for mother - unless she was always like that she seems to have issues coping now. Thats not surprising for anyone to be fair. Maybe she also needs some help. I would call a health care in to assess them both. I dont think long term you will be ina good place so to speak dealing with this. Deal before it becomes burnout for you.
You could put a camera or two in their space to observe their interaction. It could move you to a course of action or help you see how your presence is affecting their issues. It’s a “remove” from the situation that might allow you to be more objective about what’s going on. Perhaps that would be less emotionally draining and a softer “step back”.
See All Answers