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Hi! I am new here. I just moved my parents closer to me into a senior community where they are in an Independent Living apartment.
My Dad had a lengthy stay in the hospital for vascular disease/amputation, followed by a 3 month stay in rehab. He has memory issues and has always been a bit rigid in his thinking.


The surprise of the move has been my mom. She treats my dad like he is a toddler and as if she is the far smarter person. But I now see that she has issues of her own! She is paranoid, has not seen a doctor in roughly 20 years, threatens my father with her fist in his face when she gets upset, and gets “moods” where she is just irrational for a whole day, and fine the next day. Is this dementia!? Who knows, because she won’t even go to my naturopath, much less an MD. My dad wants me to help them out every day, and my mom is jealous. It’s so bizarre.


Can anyone relate? And how do you deal with this insanity? I am thinking that once they are “settled” I need to step back, but I am concerned for my dad’s safety with her. She says she would never hurt him, but I am not so sure.

Step back . They will fail at independent living and will have to go to assisted living where they belong .

Regarding the not speaking , Don’t be their marriage counselor either .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Good advice already given. Sounds like independent living time is likely to be brief, assisted living may be sooner than later. The basic dynamic between your parents has been in place for years, it’s worsening now due to the issues of poor health, but they’ve chosen to stay together. You playing referee or trying to be involved daily would be a big mistake. Establish good boundaries now, be their advocate but not their answer. I wish you all peace.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Don’t help them every day. Keep your distance as much as you can.

You can manage things from a distance (somewhat). By becoming ever more involved in their personal interactions, you open yourself to a lot of anger, manipulation, cries for help, and your own anxiety. That can’t be good for any of you.

You have some good advice here. Heed it! Please let us know how it’s going. Good luck with making sure that you come out of this whole.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Step back before they decide YOU'RE the Bad Guy for meddling in their marriage!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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My advice to family members intervening in the squabbles of other family members is always the same: "DON'T".
That is to say, stay out of it. Explain with the one that you don't wish to discuss the other and any squabbles and explain to the other that you don't wish to discuss the one and any squabble.

Easy.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Sounds like dementia. If she ever get violent call 911 and tell them you want her tested for a UTI
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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I may be wrong but it sounds like your mother is exercising her own will and quite harshly as well. Added to the extra stress from everything - theres also pent up anger which needs to be addressed.
I would seriously move father to a care centre. He will be abused.

He may be used to it but that doesnt make it right. As for mother - unless she was always like that she seems to have issues coping now. Thats not surprising for anyone to be fair. Maybe she also needs some help. I would call a health care in to assess them both. I dont think long term you will be ina good place so to speak dealing with this. Deal before it becomes burnout for you.
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Reply to Jenny10
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Beethoven13 Jun 26, 2025
Yes.
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WhatHaveIDone: Step back now.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Your dad no doubt requires and has quickly become accustomed to having a great deal of attention to deal with his care after being in the hospital and rehab so long. He may not admit it but may be frightened of being alone with your mom….given her moods. She may be burned out with having been his caregiver prior to his hospitalization. One can understand that they are in flux with so much going on.

You could put a camera or two in their space to observe their interaction. It could move you to a course of action or help you see how your presence is affecting their issues. It’s a “remove” from the situation that might allow you to be more objective about what’s going on. Perhaps that would be less emotionally draining and a softer “step back”.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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ShirleyDot Jun 28, 2025
Second placing a camera. This helped me determine my mom needed AL and IL was no longer cutting it. This is especially important if you think there might be abuse. You need to see what is happening when you aren’t there.
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keep your distance. Don’t be a sounding board for your mother or your father. I’ve been in the position of trying to protect my vulnerable father from my volatile mother, his wife for 50 plus years. I was away for over 25 years and just social visits until dad had devastating stroke at age 92. I hired caregivers and stepped in way more than was healthy for me and my mental and physical health. My mother can not cope with the responsibility of caretaking or frustration of this kind. Caregivers told me she hit him when she was frustrated. I believed them. She hit me as a child when she was frustrated. She denies everything. My dad is now dead and had the care he deserved in his home with a lot of caring people that I hired and paid for with his money. Don’t get sucked in. You may try hiring extra caregivers while they are in IL to see if that meets the needs. Your mother may enjoy the extra attention and being boss lady. It’s great you got them out of a house and into the supportive care system. Get dad the care he needs, ALF or extra hired care, paid for with their money. I personally wouldn’t expend a lot of effort getting mother diagnosed. Her behavior shows she needs more support for your father. Encourage your mother to get involved with groups at the IL or ALF and don’t become her only source of entertainment. Dead end road.
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Reply to Beethoven13
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