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Hi! I am new here. I just moved my parents closer to me into a senior community where they are in an Independent Living apartment.
My Dad had a lengthy stay in the hospital for vascular disease/amputation, followed by a 3 month stay in rehab. He has memory issues and has always been a bit rigid in his thinking.


The surprise of the move has been my mom. She treats my dad like he is a toddler and as if she is the far smarter person. But I now see that she has issues of her own! She is paranoid, has not seen a doctor in roughly 20 years, threatens my father with her fist in his face when she gets upset, and gets “moods” where she is just irrational for a whole day, and fine the next day. Is this dementia!? Who knows, because she won’t even go to my naturopath, much less an MD. My dad wants me to help them out every day, and my mom is jealous. It’s so bizarre.


Can anyone relate? And how do you deal with this insanity? I am thinking that once they are “settled” I need to step back, but I am concerned for my dad’s safety with her. She says she would never hurt him, but I am not so sure.

Step back . They will fail at independent living and will have to go to assisted living where they belong .

Regarding the not speaking , Don’t be their marriage counselor either .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Good advice already given. Sounds like independent living time is likely to be brief, assisted living may be sooner than later. The basic dynamic between your parents has been in place for years, it’s worsening now due to the issues of poor health, but they’ve chosen to stay together. You playing referee or trying to be involved daily would be a big mistake. Establish good boundaries now, be their advocate but not their answer. I wish you all peace.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Don’t help them every day. Keep your distance as much as you can.

You can manage things from a distance (somewhat). By becoming ever more involved in their personal interactions, you open yourself to a lot of anger, manipulation, cries for help, and your own anxiety. That can’t be good for any of you.

You have some good advice here. Heed it! Please let us know how it’s going. Good luck with making sure that you come out of this whole.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Step back before they decide YOU'RE the Bad Guy for meddling in their marriage!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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My advice to family members intervening in the squabbles of other family members is always the same: "DON'T".
That is to say, stay out of it. Explain with the one that you don't wish to discuss the other and any squabbles and explain to the other that you don't wish to discuss the one and any squabble.

Easy.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Sounds like dementia. If she ever get violent call 911 and tell them you want her tested for a UTI
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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I may be wrong but it sounds like your mother is exercising her own will and quite harshly as well. Added to the extra stress from everything - theres also pent up anger which needs to be addressed.
I would seriously move father to a care centre. He will be abused.

He may be used to it but that doesnt make it right. As for mother - unless she was always like that she seems to have issues coping now. Thats not surprising for anyone to be fair. Maybe she also needs some help. I would call a health care in to assess them both. I dont think long term you will be ina good place so to speak dealing with this. Deal before it becomes burnout for you.
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Reply to Jenny10
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Beethoven13 Jun 26, 2025
Yes.
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Is this dementia?!  Probably, based on what you describe. "Can anyone related and how do you deal with this insanity?" Many of us here can relate to this. First, you have to not think of them as being "insane" but as most likely cognitively impaired (but you won't know without an actual diagnosis, which a naturopath cannot do). Are you the PoA for either (or both) parent? If so, you need to read the document to see what activates your authority. It does not seem like IL is now an appropriate living arrangement for them. Most likely (unless it is a durable PoA) you may need to activate the authority through an official diagnosis of sufficient impairment. How you get this to happen will involve some strategies -- which we can give you. Even if your Dad doesn't have a PoA, he seems like he may still be able to assign one. Please explain to him that without a PoA, an impaired senior may easily wind up being a ward of a 3rd party court-assigned legal guardian. You *could* pursue guardianship through the court, but it is expensive and time-consuming. Try to convince your Dad to go this route. Your Mom... the next time you see or hear her threaten your Dad or act paranoid, call 911 and have her taken the the ER to get tested for a UTI, just to make sure this isn't the source of her poor behaviors. From there you may be able to get her on meds for her anxiety, aggression, agitation, which comes with the dementia territory. They cannot diagnose dementia in the ER, but they can treat symptoms. The county aid who came in to help my inlaws said she "heard" my MIL slap my SFIL. This set off a series of events that resulted in him being assigned a court-appointed guardian -- which actually was a helpful solution since he had Parkinsons and Lewy Body dementia, was broke and in deep debt and denial. My MIL was having her own cognitive issues. I wish you all the best as you work towards a solution other than you orbiting around them.
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Reply to Geaton777
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CaringBee Jun 26, 2025
Great advice. Because I don’t know & am intrigued… how does a court-appointed guardian now care for your SFIL? How often & in your opinion, is the guardian acting in his best inerests?

Thank you.
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WhatHaveIDone: Step back now.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Your dad no doubt requires and has quickly become accustomed to having a great deal of attention to deal with his care after being in the hospital and rehab so long. He may not admit it but may be frightened of being alone with your mom….given her moods. She may be burned out with having been his caregiver prior to his hospitalization. One can understand that they are in flux with so much going on.

You could put a camera or two in their space to observe their interaction. It could move you to a course of action or help you see how your presence is affecting their issues. It’s a “remove” from the situation that might allow you to be more objective about what’s going on. Perhaps that would be less emotionally draining and a softer “step back”.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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ShirleyDot Jun 28, 2025
Second placing a camera. This helped me determine my mom needed AL and IL was no longer cutting it. This is especially important if you think there might be abuse. You need to see what is happening when you aren’t there.
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