Hi! I am new here. I just moved my parents closer to me into a senior community where they are in an Independent Living apartment.
My Dad had a lengthy stay in the hospital for vascular disease/amputation, followed by a 3 month stay in rehab. He has memory issues and has always been a bit rigid in his thinking.
The surprise of the move has been my mom. She treats my dad like he is a toddler and as if she is the far smarter person. But I now see that she has issues of her own! She is paranoid, has not seen a doctor in roughly 20 years, threatens my father with her fist in his face when she gets upset, and gets “moods” where she is just irrational for a whole day, and fine the next day. Is this dementia!? Who knows, because she won’t even go to my naturopath, much less an MD. My dad wants me to help them out every day, and my mom is jealous. It’s so bizarre.
Can anyone relate? And how do you deal with this insanity? I am thinking that once they are “settled” I need to step back, but I am concerned for my dad’s safety with her. She says she would never hurt him, but I am not so sure.
Thank you.
You can manage things from a distance (somewhat). By becoming ever more involved in their personal interactions, you open yourself to a lot of anger, manipulation, cries for help, and your own anxiety. That can’t be good for any of you.
You have some good advice here. Heed it! Please let us know how it’s going. Good luck with making sure that you come out of this whole.
That is to say, stay out of it. Explain with the one that you don't wish to discuss the other and any squabbles and explain to the other that you don't wish to discuss the one and any squabble.
Easy.
Regarding the not speaking , Don’t be their marriage counselor either .
I would seriously move father to a care centre. He will be abused.
He may be used to it but that doesnt make it right. As for mother - unless she was always like that she seems to have issues coping now. Thats not surprising for anyone to be fair. Maybe she also needs some help. I would call a health care in to assess them both. I dont think long term you will be ina good place so to speak dealing with this. Deal before it becomes burnout for you.
They could have been living with this dynamic for years, and maybe they are just fine with it. I wonder if they would be willing to meet with a family/marriage counselor.
You think you can help them now, and step back when they are settled? You have already set a precedence, and they now count on you to be there for everything. Better to step back now, and let them figure out how to get their needs met.
Really, if they are relying on you for help, they probably need assisted living level of care. Decide how much you are willing to do (ongoing) and tell them what you will and will not do, so they can make alternate arrangements for any additional help they need. Don't just spring it on them when they ask for your help and you decide you've had enough and finally say "no".
However, my instinct tells me to keep your parents separated.
Don't know if this is possible-?
I, too, would be very concerned for your dad's safety.
Mother is a loose cannon and perhaps needs to be medicated. Get her to an MD for a physical / work up. Tell the MD what is / has been going on. Her behavior could be considered an ASSAULT - it isn't funny. You do not want your dad injured.
You say your dad has memory issues; has he been diagosed with dementia?
Dementia is not so easiliy diagnosed - it is more than mood swings and could include paranoia. Google TEEPA SNOW and watch her webinars, read her books, watch her You Tubes.
It sounds to me that rather than stepping back that you need to get much more involved, to be an advocate for your father. You might want to consult with Adult Protective Services (APS).
Gena / Touch Matters
You could put a camera or two in their space to observe their interaction. It could move you to a course of action or help you see how your presence is affecting their issues. It’s a “remove” from the situation that might allow you to be more objective about what’s going on. Perhaps that would be less emotionally draining and a softer “step back”.
I don’t think it really matters what level of care that you choose to have your parents live in. Just make sure they have separate rooms.. that works for us
We still visit each other during the day call each other quite a few times, but if One gets to agitated at the other one at being so impossible to deal with somebody leaves. Good luck