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Hi! I am new here. I just moved my parents closer to me into a senior community where they are in an Independent Living apartment.
My Dad had a lengthy stay in the hospital for vascular disease/amputation, followed by a 3 month stay in rehab. He has memory issues and has always been a bit rigid in his thinking.


The surprise of the move has been my mom. She treats my dad like he is a toddler and as if she is the far smarter person. But I now see that she has issues of her own! She is paranoid, has not seen a doctor in roughly 20 years, threatens my father with her fist in his face when she gets upset, and gets “moods” where she is just irrational for a whole day, and fine the next day. Is this dementia!? Who knows, because she won’t even go to my naturopath, much less an MD. My dad wants me to help them out every day, and my mom is jealous. It’s so bizarre.


Can anyone relate? And how do you deal with this insanity? I am thinking that once they are “settled” I need to step back, but I am concerned for my dad’s safety with her. She says she would never hurt him, but I am not so sure.

Is this dementia?!  Probably, based on what you describe. "Can anyone related and how do you deal with this insanity?" Many of us here can relate to this. First, you have to not think of them as being "insane" but as most likely cognitively impaired (but you won't know without an actual diagnosis, which a naturopath cannot do). Are you the PoA for either (or both) parent? If so, you need to read the document to see what activates your authority. It does not seem like IL is now an appropriate living arrangement for them. Most likely (unless it is a durable PoA) you may need to activate the authority through an official diagnosis of sufficient impairment. How you get this to happen will involve some strategies -- which we can give you. Even if your Dad doesn't have a PoA, he seems like he may still be able to assign one. Please explain to him that without a PoA, an impaired senior may easily wind up being a ward of a 3rd party court-assigned legal guardian. You *could* pursue guardianship through the court, but it is expensive and time-consuming. Try to convince your Dad to go this route. Your Mom... the next time you see or hear her threaten your Dad or act paranoid, call 911 and have her taken the the ER to get tested for a UTI, just to make sure this isn't the source of her poor behaviors. From there you may be able to get her on meds for her anxiety, aggression, agitation, which comes with the dementia territory. They cannot diagnose dementia in the ER, but they can treat symptoms. The county aid who came in to help my inlaws said she "heard" my MIL slap my SFIL. This set off a series of events that resulted in him being assigned a court-appointed guardian -- which actually was a helpful solution since he had Parkinsons and Lewy Body dementia, was broke and in deep debt and denial. My MIL was having her own cognitive issues. I wish you all the best as you work towards a solution other than you orbiting around them.
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Reply to Geaton777
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CaringBee Jun 26, 2025
Great advice. Because I don’t know & am intrigued… how does a court-appointed guardian now care for your SFIL? How often & in your opinion, is the guardian acting in his best inerests?

Thank you.
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Sounds like dementia. If she ever get violent call 911 and tell them you want her tested for a UTI
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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Good advice already given. Sounds like independent living time is likely to be brief, assisted living may be sooner than later. The basic dynamic between your parents has been in place for years, it’s worsening now due to the issues of poor health, but they’ve chosen to stay together. You playing referee or trying to be involved daily would be a big mistake. Establish good boundaries now, be their advocate but not their answer. I wish you all peace.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Don’t help them every day. Keep your distance as much as you can.

You can manage things from a distance (somewhat). By becoming ever more involved in their personal interactions, you open yourself to a lot of anger, manipulation, cries for help, and your own anxiety. That can’t be good for any of you.

You have some good advice here. Heed it! Please let us know how it’s going. Good luck with making sure that you come out of this whole.
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Reply to Fawnby
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My advice to family members intervening in the squabbles of other family members is always the same: "DON'T".
That is to say, stay out of it. Explain with the one that you don't wish to discuss the other and any squabbles and explain to the other that you don't wish to discuss the one and any squabble.

Easy.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Step back . They will fail at independent living and will have to go to assisted living where they belong .

Regarding the not speaking , Don’t be their marriage counselor either .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Step back before they decide YOU'RE the Bad Guy for meddling in their marriage!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I may be wrong but it sounds like your mother is exercising her own will and quite harshly as well. Added to the extra stress from everything - theres also pent up anger which needs to be addressed.
I would seriously move father to a care centre. He will be abused.

He may be used to it but that doesnt make it right. As for mother - unless she was always like that she seems to have issues coping now. Thats not surprising for anyone to be fair. Maybe she also needs some help. I would call a health care in to assess them both. I dont think long term you will be ina good place so to speak dealing with this. Deal before it becomes burnout for you.
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Beethoven13 Jun 26, 2025
Yes.
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Sounds like mom has dementia kicking in, but of course, she is trying to do good by him and take care of him. Yes, she needs to get to a neurologist and they both may benefit for some meds for their mental declining state. If they are in a facility where assisted living is offered then there is no need for you to assist.
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Reply to Evonne1954
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WhatHaveIDone: Step back now.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Mom may have a personality disorder that is just now being seen. There is no fixing this. Step back, as others said. Refer them to escalation in care such as Assisted Living and then skilled nursing. Don’t get involved in their drama. It will drag you down. Ask the facility for a social worker to visit and assess. Mom may calm down temporarily because she can not manipulate the SW like she can with you. Don’t get deeply involved. Keep your distance. I’ve learned the hard way. My family members did this with me when I needed help with both elderly parents. Dad died at 94 years and I was all in with everything and hospice. Not anymore. I’ve backed away successfully to paid caregivers and tuned out guilting family. Set boundaries and visit on your terms. Don’t engage when she wants to bash dad or the system. Nod and leave. It gets easier as you do it.
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Reply to Beethoven13
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Yikes! They may be better off in an assisted living, but separated. Especially if you fear your mother's behavior could be harmful to your dad.
They could have been living with this dynamic for years, and maybe they are just fine with it. I wonder if they would be willing to meet with a family/marriage counselor.

You think you can help them now, and step back when they are settled? You have already set a precedence, and they now count on you to be there for everything. Better to step back now, and let them figure out how to get their needs met.
Really, if they are relying on you for help, they probably need assisted living level of care. Decide how much you are willing to do (ongoing) and tell them what you will and will not do, so they can make alternate arrangements for any additional help they need. Don't just spring it on them when they ask for your help and you decide you've had enough and finally say "no".
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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I have absolutely NO experience in this area.
However, my instinct tells me to keep your parents separated.
Don't know if this is possible-?

I, too, would be very concerned for your dad's safety.
Mother is a loose cannon and perhaps needs to be medicated. Get her to an MD for a physical / work up. Tell the MD what is / has been going on. Her behavior could be considered an ASSAULT - it isn't funny. You do not want your dad injured.

You say your dad has memory issues; has he been diagosed with dementia?
Dementia is not so easiliy diagnosed - it is more than mood swings and could include paranoia. Google TEEPA SNOW and watch her webinars, read her books, watch her You Tubes.

It sounds to me that rather than stepping back that you need to get much more involved, to be an advocate for your father. You might want to consult with Adult Protective Services (APS).

Gena / Touch Matters
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Reply to TouchMatters
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If she won’t voluntarily see a doctor it will be hard to get her evaluated. In this case be prepared to call 911 when she gets agitated or rough with your dad when in a mood. It will start the wheels turning for evaluation and treatment. But I would also just start looking for an AL for your dad alone. He needs more help than she can handle and the separation could be the solution.
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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Your dad no doubt requires and has quickly become accustomed to having a great deal of attention to deal with his care after being in the hospital and rehab so long. He may not admit it but may be frightened of being alone with your mom….given her moods. She may be burned out with having been his caregiver prior to his hospitalization. One can understand that they are in flux with so much going on.

You could put a camera or two in their space to observe their interaction. It could move you to a course of action or help you see how your presence is affecting their issues. It’s a “remove” from the situation that might allow you to be more objective about what’s going on. Perhaps that would be less emotionally draining and a softer “step back”.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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ShirleyDot Jun 28, 2025
Second placing a camera. This helped me determine my mom needed AL and IL was no longer cutting it. This is especially important if you think there might be abuse. You need to see what is happening when you aren’t there.
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The roles are reversed in our household., I think the constant fighting has been going on at least 20 years. Of course, when anybody was around, we can be very nice to each other.
I don’t think it really matters what level of care that you choose to have your parents live in. Just make sure they have separate rooms.. that works for us
We still visit each other during the day call each other quite a few times, but if One gets to agitated at the other one at being so impossible to deal with somebody leaves. Good luck
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Reply to Countrygal44
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keep your distance. Don’t be a sounding board for your mother or your father. I’ve been in the position of trying to protect my vulnerable father from my volatile mother, his wife for 50 plus years. I was away for over 25 years and just social visits until dad had devastating stroke at age 92. I hired caregivers and stepped in way more than was healthy for me and my mental and physical health. My mother can not cope with the responsibility of caretaking or frustration of this kind. Caregivers told me she hit him when she was frustrated. I believed them. She hit me as a child when she was frustrated. She denies everything. My dad is now dead and had the care he deserved in his home with a lot of caring people that I hired and paid for with his money. Don’t get sucked in. You may try hiring extra caregivers while they are in IL to see if that meets the needs. Your mother may enjoy the extra attention and being boss lady. It’s great you got them out of a house and into the supportive care system. Get dad the care he needs, ALF or extra hired care, paid for with their money. I personally wouldn’t expend a lot of effort getting mother diagnosed. Her behavior shows she needs more support for your father. Encourage your mother to get involved with groups at the IL or ALF and don’t become her only source of entertainment. Dead end road.
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