Obviously, my mom is not the main cause problem. But for over a year now I've had to split my time between her home and mine. When I was home, I couldn't walk through the front door without my phone already going off with her calls (up to 60 calls a day) By the time I got home, I was physically and emotionally so exhausted that all I could do was sit on the sofa and maybe wash clothes. By the time I got my energy back, it was time to go back to her house. When I was home, my mom managed to fill me so full of guilt that I'm sure I was not much fun to be around.
My husband and I grew apart. We stopped doing things together.
Now my husband has told me he wants me out, and he wants a divorce. Of course, I'm devastated. I saw the chance that this could happen, because living this dual life was impossible. Someone (usually my husband) was always going without as my mom sucked up all of my attention and strength.
Now that I've been thrown out of the house, (I know he cannot do this legally,but I'm too damn tired to fight it), I am full of hate, resentment, and yes: even suicidal. (My dogs are my only happiness. When I put my loaded .38 in my mouth last week, it was seeing my dogs that stopped me.(I am medicated for depression, and have made an appointment to see my doctor for this.)
I now feel hate for both my mom and my husband. My mom, because a part of me believes she was aiming for this, When I was a young child, she was my abuser. She told me she only had me as an "insurance policy" that someone would take care of her when she was old. That, and because her friend was pregnant and it pissed my mom off that she got more attention then my mom did.
I hate my husband for not being more understanding, not helping me, not seeing how bad my health has been declining because of all this crap. I'm 45 and my blood pressure is 155/100,
I did my best for both of them. I certainly wasn't perfect, but I cared enough to do what very few people would ever do.
And this is what I get for it.
I need to sell my moms house to get her in a nursing home. I will then have no where to live, no money, and no one who cares. Tcannot work because I have health problems. No official diagnosis, but dr;s believe I have Lupus, along with Sjogren's Syndrome and Raynaud's Phenomenon. It's also possible that I have MS.
My question: Has anyone gone through this? How did you get through it? How do I get my life back? How do I prevent my mother and husband from emotionally abusing me more then they already do? I don't want to become a hateful person, but I feel like one now. I'm scared.
I really need any advice and/or encouragement you might offer me. I was raised in the Catholic church, but after my introduction to dementia, I have stopped believing in God. Nevertheless, I somehow believe in the power of prayer, and I really would welcome it if anyone included a good word for me in theirs.