How can I manage all of this mess without going crazy?

You stated that you have lived with Aunty previously, has her behavior changed significantly? It sounds as though the entire family feels you owe them, right down to the 11 year old expecting you to run around finding him a special lunch. I think it is bizarre that he seemingly spends more time with you than with his own parents, but lovely for them of course, as they don't have to schlep him off to school themselves every day and attend to his needs.
Aunty is perhaps more critical because she feels less in control than in the past, and she could be experiencing some cognitive decline also. You will need to learn how to cope with the negativity and accusations as I doubt anything will change unless you find the courage to stand on your own and move out.

It is easy to be forgetful. We have so many little things to remember. I mean, we go through the day doing one more thing after another. Nothing is really big. It is just that there is always one more thing to do. I have a hard time remembering all the little things. If I go to the grocery store without a list, I know I'll forget the main things I went to get. Even when I have a list, I'll come home and my mother will tell me we're out of something. She get mad at me for not noticing that something she uses was gone. It doesn't matter that I have no way of knowing unless she tells me. I'm supposed to check, I guess. Of course, it is something she has to have, so I have to make another trip to the store. It is just another of those "one more things."

cwillie. ..I wish I could move out. ..that's not an option at this point. No one else to care for her. She says she's not ready to go in a NH yet as she's still mentally competent.

Gospelgirl223 - no one is forcing you to care for your aunt. Why not move out? Decide what you are willing to continue to do for your aunt and do that to help her, but decide not to be the family door mat.

I am ambivalent about posting this as I am not sure it will be taken in the loving way it is meant, but you need to grow a backbone! You somehow have been conditioned by your family into believing that you owe them something. You make it possible for your Aunty to reject professional care because you are willing to step in and fill that role. She and her granddaughter POA won't accept reality because they don't have to. They don't care if you are up to the task, either physically or mentally, because they don't seem to value your needs or opinions at all. If you look after your own needs first they will have to make other plans, if you continue as you are they never will, and you will grow old being the unappreciated family caregiver. Eventually Aunty will die or she decline will enough that she must accept nursing home care, what will happen to you then?

Have to agree with everyone although I can't do it myself! that said there are limits even to my tolerance. You need to call a family meeting BUT before that you need to log all you do and I mean everything - yes it may drain your last bit of energy but it was the only way I could PROVE to a professional that I needed help in the form of respite care and I needed it immediately.

6:45 am: Woke up 11-year-old cousin for school.
10 am: Woke up and got Aunty ready
11:30 visit by the home health nurse
12:30 visit by the physical therapist (who came just for an initial evaluation).

Now I dont have a camera in your house honest but I bet you did much more than that and yuou havent logged the duration - so did you just shout your cousin's name and then that was it?

Clearly Aunty is not that mentally competent I'll explain why later and what does getting ready entail? washing/ showering/ toiletting/ massaging creams in/ giving medication and making sure she takes it? dressing her? finding her clothes?

It doesn't matter what your aunty thinks she needs if the OT thinks she needs therapy then she needs therapy - that she wont accept help is another matter - once you stop doing the things she would be able to do after she had therapy she might see the value of it - use it or lose it is a common phrase emerging from my lips and I am quite harsh about it - I dont shout but I am very very formal when I say it

After that, she complained because I misplaced some important paperwork of hers

This is not your fault - if she was competent she would have filed it away she didnt her fault. Put the blame back to her use something like - why didnt you file it away if it was important? or You say you are competent but you are losing track of things. If she shouts at you walk away you are never to allow her to abuse you and yes it does work both ways - even if it isnt deliberate it is still abuse

Later, when POA cousin came to pick up her son (whom we watch after school), we went out to get take-out for everyone's dinner. Who is this we watch after school dont you mean you watch? how long fo?r what does it involve? how does it impact on caring for aunty?

Back home, I realized that I forgot to get 11-year-old's food (he wanted something from a different store) - Tough he has what you have or he goes hungry not your job to be running around after him - let him sulk - he will learn

So Aunty complained about my forgetfulness. This led to another discussion of how I lost a piece of her jewelry while she was in the hospital.
Her fault she should keep it in a locked box then it wouldnt get lost

When cousin POA went out, I had to watch the 16-month old. Erm hello reality check Cinderella there is no glass slipper and no prince charming tell her no

She returned, then we ate.She stayed for another hour or two and left, but the 11-year old is spending the night and I have to wake him up for school. NO NO NO NO NO tell her you simply cannot be looking after his every excruciating need and your aunty as well you are burning out

After a while, I got Aunty ready for bed, and how long did that take~?

ironed the 11-year old's school uniform and ran his bath, then cleaned up after him when he was done. This is not a child this is a brat - my 4 year old grandson cleans up the bathroom ok he cant iron and he cant run his bath but the child is 11 for heaven's sake MAKE HIM DO IT as for the clothes tell your cousin POA you are not ironing clothes for him and if you DO decide to yes to looking after said brat then he must come with the right clothes, pressed and ready for him to wear

So now you can see that you havent mentioned getting lunch dinner tea drinks, cleaning laundry, bed making, washing up tidying keeping paper filed away (if Aunty is incapable)

This simply isnt on record everything have a meeting and tell them you have to help or I WILL walk away not because I want to but because I cannot keep doing this amount of work without a break - in the end I will be ill and then there will be NOONE .

Go for it gal you can do this - you might feel sick in the stomach with the number of butterflies you will have in there but you HAVE to do it for your own sanity

I meant to share with you a copy of my daily log - I will just do 12 hours so you can see what I mean - You do so much more than you actually think

05:30 06:00 Toiletted changed pad bowel normal washed and creamed assisted back to bed 25 mins
06:00 06:30 checked mum was sleeping - needed a drink 10 minutes
06:30 07:00 Ordered some clothes on line that Mum wanted
07:00 07:30 Had a shower myself and got dressed
07:30 08:00 Got clothes out ready for the day and prepared shower room for showering
08:00 08:30 Meal Preparation Medication Pain relief Pain relief gel Beverage
08:30 09:00 Chat Bathing Shower Dressing
09:00 09:30 Chat Bathing Shower Dressing
09:30 10:00 Laundry 30 mins
10:00 10:30 Cleaned commode and sanitary ware replaced towels cleaned bathroom windows and shower screen 30 mins
10:30 11:00Toiletted changed pad beverage 15 minutes
11:00 11:30 Found right tv station for mum chatted about which she wanted for about15 mins
11:30 12:00 Toiletted changed pad juice 15 minutes
12:00 12:30 Meal Preparation Medication Pain relief Pain relief gel Beverage refused food wanted something else
12:30 13:00 Meal Preparation
13:00 13:30 Washing up breakfast and lunch things
13:30 14:00 Cleaned tidied kitchen put washing out to dry
14:00 14:30 Toiletted changed pad beverage 15 minutes
14:30 15:00 Filed Mums papers and recorded them
15:00 15:30 Rang doctors and hospital and bank
15:30 16:00 Social worker called on phone for 15 minutes re using carers in house - mum wont allow them
16:00 16:30 driving to meeting with Psych
16:30 17:00 meeting with Psych
17:00 17:30 driving home from meeting with Psych

I think this post may also be taken as Cwillie's, Kimber and Judge's observations, but they hit the nail right on the head and said what needs to be said.

As I read your post, I had the sense that you're essentially the person in the middle being put upon, criticized and/or expected to wait on everyone. That you also seem to feel this way and are frustrated because of the demands made on you and apparently by the lack of respect and appreciation suggests to me that this is an accurate assessment.

I don't understand what the living situation is or how it came to be that way, but even if you are at a disadvantage and need to live there, there doesn't vitiate the need for balance and respect. And it doesn't mean that you need to be the family doormat.

Apparently it's not going to happen without standing up for your rights and making some changes. That may be difficult for you to do, but it's the only way to restructure the responsibility levels. Otherwise, you're headed for some emotional and physical health issues, very quickly, although I think you're already there.

Whether it's a family meeting, reallocation of responsibilities or some other option, these people that you're taking care of need to develop some responsibility of their own.

Just think about these statements for a bit:

"... but the 11-year old is spending the night and I have to wake him up for school. After a while, I got Aunty ready for bed, ironed the 11-year old's school uniform and ran his bath, then cleaned up after him when he was done."

An 11 year old boy can't get up on his/her own? If not, then get an alarm clock If he misses school, then he has learned an important lesson.

I also don't understand why this boy can't run his own bath? And why would you clean up after him? Restructure the situation so that he knows how to run a bath and clean up after himself, as well as understand that he eats what the rest of the family eats.

It seems also that there are relatives involved in picking up and dropping off, including the person named as having a (D)POA. What can they do to help balance the situation?

I sense also there are some innate feelings of female responsibility that might be holding you back. Every individual in any family needs to learn to care for himself and herself - that's part of growing up. The mother of the lazy, spoiled 11 year old is at fault too for allowing this to happen.

I think Jude has a good suggestion in listing everything you do.

You are being manipulated by the family.

If the situation doesn't change, think about contacting a woman's shelter and move out - leave the manipulators to fend for themselves.

Correction - that should have been Jude's observations, not Judge's, although she clearly has the insight to judge the situation accurately.

And if aunty isn't ready to go to a nursing home, she needs to change her attitude.

I loved Jude's comparison to Cinderella - that's exactly how this situation sounds except the players are of different family connection - aunt, drop-off Cinderella, lazy 11 year old.

Knowing gospelgirl's situation does make a difference. We have so many new posters come in each month that it is hard to remember each one. Her post is at https://www.agingcare.com/questions/be-my-best-to-everyone-and-still-feel-good-about-myself-180149.htm

gospelgirl, if we could go back in time I would say Don't quit your job! But I know we are beyond that point now and you do receive disability. I am actually glad that your cousin is there to help, since she is able to drive. That makes everything easier. I could kick your aunt's butt, though, for working at your self esteem like she does. I've found that when people tear others down, it is because they themselves are insecure. They aren't fun to be around.

From what I see your family is lucky to have you. Reading your history, I imagine you feel that you have a debt to your family. But reading what you are doing for them, I know they are lucky. It looks like the only thing you're not doing is driving. If your aunt isn't happy with that, then she isn't going to be happy with anything. I would let her words roll off the best I could and walk away when you need to. It is what I do when my mother starts yelling.

Yep hands up guilty as charged AGAIN JessieBelle but it still doesnt alter my stand on this - if anything it makes it worse. Gospel girl you are being dumped on and now I know the background - sorry I didnt before - it's shocking that social services allow this to happen. All I can think of is that noone knows what is happening.

Lets get one thing straight your Aunt is not appreciative and however much you THINK you owe her - you actually dont. One of the primary rights as I understand it is freedom and you are not free at the moment. It is not right or fair (and I dont care if your Aunt thinks differently) that you should have been forced into a position where you felt you had to give up a job you loved to care for another. That is bullying and the fact that you yourself are not 100% fit makes that even worse. YOU CANNOT do it all hun you just can't you will drive yourself insane.

They might be the most kind and loving people that ever walked gods earth but they aren't considering your welfare in all of this and they must call a meeting and get it sorted hun sooner than later

Hello,

Caregiving is indeed stressful, hopefully the information I am sharing can help! I am volunteering as a summer Intern in the Boston headquarters office of Road Scholar, a wonderful non-profit for older adults interested in lifelong learning and travel. I am working with the Impact Grant Committee to review and award financial assistance applications for Road Scholar’s educational travel programs, including a new grant just for Caregivers. The grant will help you offset the cost of substitute respite care to attend a Road Scholar program and experience learning adventures that can provide a much-needed rest from the emotional and physical demands of your caregiver service. While volunteering here at Road Scholar, I’ve learned about the healthy benefits of lifelong learning and the camaraderie of group educational travel. I think these health benefits are especially important to caregivers so I’m helping get the word out about this unique respite opportunity. You can find more information and apply here: to http://pdf.roadscholar.org/educational-travel/scholarship/rs_grantapplication_caregiver_feb15_final.pdf If you send in an application before the end of the summer, I’ll probably be reviewing it so I wish you the best!  -Shoshana

Because Care Givers often times don't get financially compensated for our contributions, other family members have a tendency to think that 'room and board' equivalent is plenty. Maybe POA should be reminded that you are saving the estate (depending on costs in your area) $7K mo in a facility. Don't get me started on the nanny/daycare responsibilities you are providing. You're really getting dumped on. I think there should be a name for the services we provide. 'Care Giver' sounds about as important as a jar of warm spit.

Reading these posts made me think of an Aunt who passed Jan of 2014. She was not liked by any of the cousins. My Mom was a SIL and tolerated her. She was a know it all. Her children perfect. Oh, the stories I could tell her about her daughter she never would have believed. I never did because it would have fallen on deaf ears. And, I loved my cousin who was finally diagnoised as bi-polar. My Aunt died a lonely woman. I look back and think, maybe I could have visited but I just couldn't take her. My Uncle, by marriage, I loved to visit with but he passed before her. She had numerous health problems and lived alone in NJ. Her son in WVa, daughter in Fla. With her attitude, people stayed away. She died from multiple strokes. Such ashame. Wouldn't it be nice if some parents/relatives could look at themselves and appreciate that caretaking is not an easy job and help instead of hindering.

Its a global thing SamIamW in the UK I actually get paid to care for my Mum by the state. I do about 56 hours a week one on one care including taking her out for the day, POA stuff, doctors hospitals bank etc but excluding gardening, cleaning, laundry, shopping. The state pays me in your money about 1.65$ an hour for that - 96$ a week. Out of that Mum expects me to pay her rent and also pay a few of the bills .....some 600$ a month plus running my car and paying for fuel repairs etc - now its not rocket science to see that my capital has dwindled significantly before I even feed myself.

On top of that there is huge huge pressure every time I want respite - at this point the state charges me (mum refuses to pay for it) 350$ a week and I appreciate that is subsidised but where do they get their sums from?

Care at home via family member
Income 420$ a month
Outgoings 800$ a month 600+food +car
Surplus -380$

Care at home for 3 weeks plus 1 week respite
Income 420$ a month
Outgoings 1150$ a month 600+food +car + care
Surplus -730$

Cost of a care home to the state 450$ a week (at which point they will try to force the sale of the house)
Cost of care home to Mum 450$ a week
Me homeless and unemployed at this point

You go figure who gives one toss about the caregiver. Why do we so often feel worthless because the state thinks we are worthless

Gosplegirl, when I was young, I probably would have been in ur situation. I didn't know how to say no. I would eventually get frustrated and deal with the situation all wrong. I have learned to say no, but have to step back and think before I say anything. Sometimes you have to wait for the right time.

You shouldn't have the responsibility of the 11 yr old if u have to do for him. Why an 11yr old would want to stay with you is surprising to me anyway. After a day of taking care of your Aunt, a 16 month old is too much. This person is using u as a babysitter. If on the whole u enjoy having both but there r just those times ur tired tell her that. I'm not a morning person, so the 6:30 thing would not fly for me. Suggest 11yr old can stay on weekends but not school nights. Also, u want a heads up on the baby. Do u get time off for yourself. Tell them even maids/indentured servents got a day off. Even if ur living rent free, you are doing her children a big favor. This is a learning experience. If they get mad, oh well. If u can, start thinking about ur future. 65 comes faster than u think. You will need to be financially secure.

Pressed post too soon. As a result I as her POA and with the agreement of the other POA have agreed that I should live here bill and food free and that the 420$ a month I do get from the state comes to me for my clothes my car etc. If anyone thinks that is shocking then I am afraid sorry wont be in my vocabulary it will be tough if you dont like it you try it. Right now I am desperately try to keep my financial head above water but Mum has taken all my money now and yet, because she has, the state will now take that money if she goes into care so no only have I paid to care for my mum the state will take the money too - oh win win NOT

Dear Jude - The state knows we aren't worthless. We're saving them a lot of money. But they want us to FEEL worthless so we won't revolt and ask for a raise. LOL. And thanks for the hug when mom passed the other day.

Oh god Sam you are so so right...my doc says you are doing a fantastoc job, my social worker thinks I am a cow - but I think she is so we are quits. The hospital said my mum clearly had superb care because her skin is nigh on perfect. It is just so annoying that I am now being offered a half days learning session for free and Mum gets to go to another room for tea and cakes and what am I going to learn?
Well the topics are
1. Fire prevention in the home
2. What is dementia?
3. How to relieve stress in your loved one
4. The best ways to prepare meals for the elderly
5. When to call a doctor

Now I am sorry but if you dont know any of these things then you shouldnt be damned well caring for anyone with dementia

I have in place a risk assessment and action plan - I did it the social workers thought I was insane but it was the only way I could prove we have no egress from the house if I am at the shops and there was any form of incident that required mum to get out
I have had the fire brigade visit and tell me what I need and that is in place
I think I just about know what dementia is I live with it and have done siince the onset and have researched enough ...havent we all?
How to relieve stress in the elderly ....nothing for the caregiver then because of course we have no stress....little whinge there. I massage mum every day and I mean every day paying close attention to her feet legs back and neck to relieve her stress
When to call a doctor.... try whenever I need one...unless its after 5 or a weekend and not on a bank holiday oh and not before 9 am and be prepared to wait 10 minmutes before the phone is answered unless of course you dial 911 (999 over here)
Preparing meals for the elderly ... I am 62 I have cooked for myself my children and my family for 42 years, I prepared meals for Dad when he could only eat pureed food. I can cook anything from English to Chinese and back through Italian and Indian via French as well as Jamaican Mexican and Creole and I know which ones I can prepare for Mum and what she likes so exactly what am I going to learn?
Now had that been how to use a hoist
The ins and outs of ways to access help when you need it
How to get respite care
Managing on a shoestring
Now that would have been worth it.
And the trainer? Well sadly I know her and she is going to be paid £400.00 to train 6 of us. Thats more than we get when added all together ..........rant rage rant some more

I see one thing here that seems to repeat itself often. The patient or loved one is critical and paranoid. This must be an never ending problem with all the caregivers on here. I just posted a question for help in the area of paranoid... Yes, I want to shout sometimes, but I do as Jude stated, I walk away. It does not take long before my partner is calling me over to apologize. But, the paranoid thing never goes away. You just have to go with it. SOMEHOW... It is happens too much I can see where the Caregiver would start to question themselves... We are not criminals but we get treated that way sometimes and it just is not right. Thank God for this site to write out our feelings and try other options that others have used. But, in the end, YES, we must do what is right for us.

An 8 year old can iron. Acquaint the 11 year old with iron and ironing board and the washing machine. If he doesn't like a take out meal he can eat cereal that night. The POA needs to be made aware and participate in the care. If your aunt is abusive, walk out of the room. You have more control than you realize.

It is time that Caregivers can apply for grants...If we take care of people who were wise with their money and now in retirement are struggling, they are not eligible for Caregiver assistance...They have to pay out of pocket. This does not help the caregiver who is a relative or spouse and is not being paid...It would be a great perk to be able to know that you have a check at the end of the week to spend on anything YOU want..

Oregon you and me both think the same way. And unless we emigrate to la la land it aint ever gonna happen

ummmm my 2 cents: an 11 yr old can start to learn how to set an alarm clock and begin to learn how to wake up. It won't happen overnight, you have to teach them how but eventually they catch on. Did you plan to be his alarm clock until adulthood?

2ndly, why run around to different stores for the 11 yr old? Sometimes yes, but not to be expected.

3rd...make sure you're unknowingly putting on the "martyr cape" in the morning doing all for others and then feeling resentful. It is hard to say no when you are used to being selfless but you have to start with small no's here and there.

Good luck

I just thought I had to continue to do everything the same way that my aunt always did it. She did all of these things for him in addition to driving us to school on some days. (I used to work at his school, so sometimes she would take both of us).She often asks me to do these tasks for him. She had him so spoiled up to this point that I think he feels sort of entitled .now...In the past, he had to be called three or four times before he would get out of bed, and often would sneak back in and go back to sleep. Aunty was the only one that he would wake up for. As far as going to the store, I felt bad about forgetting that he wanted something else, so his mom was the one that offered to take me to get it.I hate the fact that he is treated like he is Superkid or something, but everyone has been doing it since he was born. ..and now that Aunty is incapacitated, she expects me to continue where she left off. And to make things worse, his mom is recovering from surgery and can't really help me that much now.

Gospel, you don't have to do everything the way your aunt did because your situation is quite different than hers. She was an able bodied woman, who took care of herself and CHOSE to do for the child. You are a woman with your own physical problems who is taking care of your aunt, now an elderly woman unable to care for herself. To help her better and keep yourself healthy for both of you, you can also choose which childcare duties are no longer possible for you to do.

Families evolve as we all age, and it becomes no longer possible to keep life the same as it was for most of the family members. It's not reasonable for your aunt or cousin to expect you to add coddling duties to your list.

Many of us have had to do things our way so we could manage caregiving and our own responsibilities. It can start with small things, like switching to online banking and bill paying. It can be ordering groceries online, instead of trips to the store. As frequent flyer has written on other postings, make a list of everything you do, then start crossing out things that aren't essential.

people are trying to tell you you shouldnt spoil kids or adults but you dont seem to be hearing what theyre sayin .
when my family was younger we didnt afford to have fast food very often but every time we did our youngest son would want to order something different just to be a pita . he NEVER got by with it , not even once . he was told to have a cheeseburger like the rest of us or go home and eat squirrel heads . might not sound like a big deal to order him something different but it indeed is . as a 27 yr old adult now hes a really mature and versatile person . if he came over and i was eating squirrel heads he'd have a couple of them and be appreciative of them ..
my mom used to try to be bossy too . " dont nick that countertop , dont scratch my teflon , etc ' . chop chop , scrape scrape ..
if you let people push you around they wont respect you , in fact , why should they ? " spineless " isnt a positive attribute ..

Captain. .I agree with what you are saying. I am actually trying to "un-spoil" him (if that is even a word),in order for him to understand the fact that as long as his basic needs are met, then it's not the end of the world if he doesn't get everything he asks for. This is proving to be difficult, but I am asking his dad to help me get through to him.His mom (aunt's POA) was in my corner with this, but she is sick herself now, recovering at home from minor surgery.Some of her fiance's family is helping her.

Gospel darling you are on the road to burnout city sweetheart. Sit said young man down just him and you and tell him straight.
Look I know Aunty/grnadma whatever he called her used to do all of this for you but you're growing up now and it's time you took some share of what happens in this house.
I need you to
Get yourself up in the morning - here is an alarm clock to help you BUT if you dont get up then you will be late for school and suffer the consequences
At night before you go to bed all your clothes must be laid out ready for the morning and you will have to do your own ironing but don't worry I will show you how - after all you have to learn as I am not going to be around for ever now am i?
I know you like (insert fave food from takeaway) and I promise that sometimes as a treat you can still have it but when we decide on a fast meal we do it because we need the time freed up. If I have to go to 2stores or 3 stores then I am making work for myself not saving time so in future you will be having what we have or you will have to make yourself a sandwich or something and clean up after yourself.
I also need you to do some of the chores (washing up/loading emptying dishwasher/emptying trash - whatever you need him to do

Finally if he starts on the but but but route you say...this isn't negotiating poppet this is what is going to happen as of next Monday or whenever. between now and then I will make sure you learn how to iron, show you how to set the alarm and show you how to od some of the chores I need you to do to help us now. You are growing up onw so it is TIME that you learned how to do things for others instead of them doing for you

Gospelgirl, have you ever been to therapy? It's not a cure all by any means, but it might help you learn to think outside of the box in this situation.