Since setting "boundaries" for myself, reading many eldercare books, and posting/reading on this forum, I realize that my unhappy & controlling mother in an assisted living facility will never be happy again. She's calling our phones (goes to voicemail), threatening to not take her medications, & wanting her living will to be utilized so she can die (doesn't understand what LW truly is). I hear again ALL the bad things about me & her AL place that she's been saying for 2 years. It's a broken record & I've tried it all! She's asked to go to an Internal Medicine dr, so it's coming up in 3 weeks. Now, she's saying cancel appointments, not taking meds, and requesting to die. These are ALL reactionary stabs at me because she wants out of this assisted living place (nice place) & move out on her own (impossible). She's threatening to get her church involved in this & still threatening to hire a lawyer! This manipulative behavior is her way of gaining control of a life that hasn't been happy, loving, or positive in decades. She's almost 89, hasn't been officially diagnosed with dementia, & is refusing any type of depression/anxiety medication except low dose of Xanax at night. The NP knows she's just uncooperative & says unfortunately, this is all she can do.
I know she needs a psych evaluation. How do I get her this without taking her myself (she'll be kicking & screaming)? Could the AL facility & NP make this happen? My presence as her durable power of attorney would only make this worse for her. She despises me, hits me, curses me, & blames me for all her ills.
Is there an agency I can see for guidance?
You guys have been awesome & gotten me this far. I truly appreciate every piece of advice!
I've been my MIL caregiver for 7.5 years. At some point, Hubby and I started calling her bluff. We assured her that she was in charge of her life. MIL also wanted to quit meds, die, move, all at the same time. We told her it was her right to refuse meds and if she was ready "to go"(die), we supported her and understood. We also told her to call her sister and/or her daughter to make arrangements to move from then ALF/now NH. We told her she had our blessing to move. Nothing ever comes of these threats of moving/dying (darn! LOL)
In addition to deleting the voicemails without listening to them as Daughterof1930 suggest, take away her power over you by not reacting when she starts ranting and raving. (It won't be easy.) I bet she never actually follows through and even if she does, the church and attorney would see it for what it is. When she sees she isn't getting a rise out of you, she'll give up--though it could take awhile.
I beg you to take care of yourself. I haven't until recently and regret it. I was a "helicopter caregiver" trying so hard to make her happy and make her world perfect. What a fool I was. It's impossible.
She's safe and well cared for in her ALF. If there is an emergency, they will be calling you. Take a step back and live your life. Nurture yourself today!
Good luck & Hugs.
I think that I might just try to keep her as comfortable and content, in the facility, as long as possible. She might settle down if she feels her wishes about her healthcare are being honored. And, if she is still competent, it's her decision.
I would be on the phone or with her and when it started I would say "I love you mom, but I will no longer take this from you. Good bye" and leave or hang up the phone.
One time on the phone she told me "i'll kill myself and then you'll be happy" and I said "no, I love you but there are two of us in this relationship" She kept on with the "I'll kill myself" and I told her "if you are serious, I'm going to end the call and dial 911 to have someone come and get you to the hospital to stabilize you" well, she backed off quickly.
She started telling her building manager that I was a horrible daughter and she wanted to die. Of course the building manager called me "how could I be so insensible" I cut her off "there is more here that you don't know. If she threatens to kill herself - you should dial 911 so you have no liability"
Just keep your boundaries. Be polite and loving to your mom. But do not engage whenever she starts in on whatever manipulation of the day she tries. Tell her you love her but you have to go.
10 years later my mom and I actually get along really well. It took time and a lot of emotion but she respects my boundaries. She knows what will happen if she does not because I'm consistent in enforcing them. Good luck
I seem to recall that the NP said at one point something like "you can't fix ugly" or something like that...am I recalling that correctly?
If so, it seems like she doesn't see your mother as a suffering soul, which is what somewhat with longstanding mental illness/personality disorder is.
If you mother is threatening suicide, I think that you are within your rights as POA to request that she be taken via ambulance for an involuntary psychiatric admission. You do not have to go along for that ride.
((((hugs))))))
As for suicide, ALF has not heard her say the suicide words, but they have spoken to her about them. She doesn't deny saying them, but says she wouldn't do anything because her future is in the Lord's hands. She speaks religiously often to them. I have sent several voice messages to ALF admin/nurse with mom referencing suicide..."I just need to take a gun to my head". Once they had a healthcare nurse visit for a few weeks. So, we know & they know but it remains as a dark cloud over us. I requested that the NP get us a neuro vist (taking the "crazy" out for my mom thinking it's for anxiety), but that office hasn't called. NP says they for some reason aren't accepting her. But, now, she's saying cancel all appointments! It's difficult to know if we're on or off. Today I canceled her cardio appointment. as long as we have meds coming in, she can go annually. Who knows if she's taking the meds now or not?
Do I just need to just tell them to come & get her & do a 3-day psych evaluation without a referral? That sounds harsh but may give us answers as to what's going on. We probably already know! What can it change for her if she refuses meds?
If you are "asked" to take her, you say "No, I can't possibly do that; she's violent towards me."
If she needs to be transported in an ambulance, all the better.
If they threaten that "the state will take over her care" you say "yes, thank you, that would be a relief".
Thank you!!
Excellent advice to walk away. I could have saved myself many headaches if I had walked away more. I am learning to do it. I slip sometimes but it is certainly more peaceful to go into another room when the mayhem begins. They can't argue with themselves.
She is trying to find the button that puts you back in your place.
Once you realize that it is manipulation pure and simple it is easier to deal with.
I play a game with my parents, I enforce boundaries and then I tell my husband what they will do. It never fails, they have to try to be in control and the center of the universe. I can laugh about it but I think I would like to spank them, that's what I would do if they were 3 pulling this crap.
Be strong and expect escalating pressure, contact the law for the suicide threats and learn to look beyond her tantrums. Hugs! It does get easier to deal with when you keep the boundaries enforced but it can be a wild ride to get there.
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