Ever since I was a young child, my mum has barely worked and has various 'health conditions'. When I was younger, me and my sister would even catch her putting her fingers down her throat trying to make herself sick to pretend she was unwell. She would roll on the floor howling at the top of her lungs in the middle of the night because she had 'period pains' and wake the whole house up, I remember her doing this on a number of occasions when I was young. Me and my sister could not be more different, we both are very positive people who work hard and have taken a completely different path. As we have become older (and more successful, with careers/ buying our own homes/ positive relationships etc) my mum seems to be incredibly jealous of this. When we achieve anything eg new house, my mum does not acknowledge this very much and absolutely has to have a mental breakdown/ some form of illness to ruin this for us. Last week my sister bought her first home and my mum ran into moving traffic to kill herself and my step father had to call an ambulance and the police to take her to the hospital. As children we were badly neglected, she would constantly have drug and alcohol fuelled parties and often physically assaulted us. We both still try to maintain a relationship with her but find this very difficult because neither of us buy into the image she portrays of being a victim/ someone who is suffering from various illnesses. She has never been able to maintain a job, sits in her dressing gown all day every day, she is constantly falling out with people at work in every other job and struggles to maintain any relationships other than her marriage. She creates dramas in social circles/ or at work, finds someone to pick on or a reason not to like them then plays the victim and tells a totally different story to everybody else. These aren't assumptions I've seen it first hand pretty much every other week. Her husband supports her and does not question any of her character traits, he just puts up with it. My nan passed away 9 months ago, my mum has not left the house by herself since and is now insisting that she has PTSD. Last week was my mum's third suicide 'attempt' this year, it's an awful thing to say and i'm sorry if it offends anybody but this is all for attention. She is making our lives a misery, I can't bare the thought of being around her because everything is always about her / her illnesses/ mental illnesses or falling out with somebody/ or being 'unfairly dismissed' from work but equally, she is my mum and I don't know what to do for the best. At the moment I am keeping a distance from her, as I have a full time job, my own house and have just fostered a child so i'm trying to put myself/ the child first. I've always put this down to my mum being a hypocondriac but I think this might be something much bigger.
Sorry for the essay, I'm really struggling with what to do for the best and would really appreciate some guidance/ talking with someone who has gone through a similar situation? I can't see this getting better and it's making me miserable.
Thank you
Nadine
I encourage you to keep yourself and now a child safe in all this and would encourage your seeking help to be certain you don't accidentally step into the middle of an out of control whirlwind. Best out to you.
thanks again all, I’m hopeful one day things may change though this is highly unlikely :-(
nadine
Stop torturing yourself by assumptions.
You need to realize, you will not have a healthy relationship with your Mum. You should NEVER be her caregiver. She has a husband, he is responsible for her care. For your sanity, you need to walk away.
Be supportive of your stepfather who has to deal with this on a daily basis, but keep your life completely separate from your mother's and definitely do not expose any children to her. A foster child has been through enough already and has no choice in their fate, so please protect them from seeing your mom.
I pity you and your family, but especially your mother. Her life must be absolute torture. I hope she's getting intensive psychiatric treatment.
You are correct to put yourself and your child first. It might be beneficial for you to see a therapist just to talk this through so that you can know in your heart that the decision you're making is the correct one. It would be helpful for you to have that continual reinforcement as you work to create and firm up your boundaries with your mom. With a new foster child, your own home, and a full time job you don't have time for the drama. It's also not a family dynamic you would want to model to a child.
Easy to say, hard to do, right?
From what you've related, your mom isn't mentally sound, but with her husband providing tacit support the behaviors will continue. As long as you engage, even by just talking with her, you will 'feed the fire' by providing an emotional response--positive or negative, she doesn't care--it's what she craves, and you'll get swept into the drama. Clearly you see that it isn't healthy for you.
If you do choose to maintain contact for now, which doesn't seem like a good idea, you will need to have clear boundaries for yourself where you disengage and stop the interaction. She should be seeing a mental health professional due to the suicide attempts whether they're real or for attention, but that's not your responsibility, it's her husband's.
This sort of disorder is usually seen as a "personality disorder"--the way mom behaves is very deeply ingrained and not easy to change, especially as those around her (her husband) support the behavior.
I think the best way to learn how to best support her without enabling her might involve your seeing a therapist; creating healthy boundaries with her is going to be very important as she ages.
Your profile states that you are caring for your mother. What is it that you do for her?
I think the advice here is going to be for you to keep your distance.
What is the plan for as your parents age? Will they be able to financially afford help? A facility? If there is no plan, then you and your sister are probably the plan. Beware!