My dad passed away over a year ago and Mom has been living with me and my fiancé now since then. She’s been very tough to deal with and has gone from “vindictive giant fight picker” to a lesser shade of “silent treatment with transient defiance and some outbursts.” It’s been very hard as she seems to get jealous that I have a significant other and a new puppy - says snarky “oh you have him and your dog so go be with them.” Funny thing is he and I haven’t had a night alone since my dad died because my life is now my demanding job and managing my mom. She also has years of significant depression and anxiety as my dad was a malignant narc. and since he suddenly passed right in front of her (and a little before he passed) she’s been varying levels of confused. She knows it and admits it but is too proud to really tell any doctors HOW bad her depression is and how confused she gets sometimes. She’s only 74 and drives but never learned technology and my dad did everything and so now I have to manage everything. It’s been A LOT all on me and I’m now seeking treatment on how to deal with her constant victim mentality and how to avoid seeing RED when she picks a fight and all the guilt that comes with it.
She knows I have a life of my own but in the next breath she is saying no one cares or helps her and it’s all I’ve done for the past 1.5 years. I've sold their house, hand sold many belongings to get the most money for her, moved across the country for 4 months and left my guy at home to help her at their home we had to sell, packed her stuff, did their taxes, do all her bills, went food shopping for her during COVID, and so much more but it’s always something. I’m tired and have no life of my own but that is a different story.
So the woman she sees for her depression asked that she go to a cognitive test to better understand what is happening with her confusion. She booked it and it’s 2 months away and she’s so AFRAID of what they are going to say. She’s used every excuse — from they just want to take my money to they’re going to take my license to it’s an invasion of privacy to it’s too long of a test and I won’t last that long.. It’s exhausting to keep reminding her it’s for her own good and they can help if they understand what’s going on. Her Dr told me they need that test to see if she should live on her own as she plans to move out of my place and get her own. But her Dr also told me if she doesn’t want to go, she doesn’t have to. If I try to talk to her about it logically, she gets so defensive and into this rage of F Bombs and how she’s not doing it
So after all this, my question is… how do I convince her that things like this test or any other medical test, are for her own good and important for her well being and health? I know something had changed with her for a few years now and she means the world to me so I’d do anything to help her but this situation is causing friction with my fiancé and resulting in fight after fight with my mom and I can’t take anymore. Hoping someone has any helpful advice on how to stop feeling guilt, how to communicate to her things like mammograms and cognitive tests are for her own good and how not to get resentful when you’ve given everything, including your own life, and it’s still not good enough and only seen as controlling!!??