Hello everyone, I had honestly forgotten how great everyone has been to me on this forum . It's feel wonderful just to hear in a sense "I understand" . I've often felt so completely alone on this journey. The good news is that my mom is doing great, she's become stronger and stronger to the point that she is even moving around through the house without the use of her walker at times. She is not and cannot ever live alone again though, she thinks that could happen but I've had to shut that dream down. I'm really happy, she's no longer hard to take care of Physically. She's had a few stumbles but no more falls in several months now. We also got her back to the doctors and had some tests done. Her kidneys have gotten a little stronger she is by no means out of the woods and it would not take much to send her back downhill toward dialysis. The cyst she had which classified her as terminal has resolved itself so she is no longer "terminal" in that sense.

Me however not so much, I've been trying to handle everything myself emotionally and I've fallen down figuratively getting worse over the last 6-7 weeks. I entered September seemingly on the wrong path. I have begun having some issues with my BP over the last 6 weeks and ended up in the emergency room on Aug. 31 with a mild stroke. Threw me for a loop real quick, never in a million years would I have thought I would have a stroke. I was in the hospital for 3 days and 2 nights. When they sent me home they all but guaranteed me it would happen again unless I make some changes starting with lowering my stress level. I asked my mom to go to a nursing home, she clammed up and never said a word. I tried explaining to her how much I worry about her and how's she going to be taken care of with my health getting bad. Again no response. A couple days later I began feeling unwell again, developed a sinus infection , then a chest cold. I though I had a simple head and chest cold, perhaps bronchitis but not that was not the case. On Sept. 7 I was back in the ER with pneumonia. Once again, 3 days and 2 nights in the hospital. Again I tried to talk to mom about going to a nursing home, told her I was willing to let it be temporary until I can get my health under control. Explained that testing while in the hospital pointed to other potential severe problems; my carotid arteries in my neck are narrowing and a blood test shows a strong possibility of blood clots in my body. My A1C is still over nine so I am potentially a walking time bomb and need to make some changes without too much waiting. I sure can't take care of mom if that second stroke comes and it's a big one that may just end my life. I tried explaining all this to my mom as gently as I can but she either can't or won't process it . Her case manager is working on getting her into the specialist to get her evaluated for dementia but nothing yet. If we get that definitive diagnosis I could potentially force her into a nursing home. I don't want to do that but I feel like that is what she's going to force me to do. Do you think this is something the entire family is going to have to talk to her about? I did think about doing that but I don't want to "gang up" on her. P.S my husband thinks it unnecessary for her to go to a nursing home. he does not understand how emotionally draining it is on me nor how stressful dealing with the silent treatment tantrums and constant judgement of what I'm doing, what and how I'm cooking food. Nothing is ever right. She acknowledges that I have done everything for her but complains about all of it. She says that "we need to do something" but cannot seem to connect the dots as to what we need to do.

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What is bothersome is your statement that your husband thinks it's 'unnecessary' for your mother to go to a nursing home. Does he not understand your health is at risk? Perhaps he should quit his job and devote 24/7 to caring for her instead of you? He may change his tune quickly if that were the case, huh?

In any event, whatever you decide to do with your mother, it's a good idea to get your health under control now by controlling your sugar/carb intake and lowering your A1C. Stress is another matter, and if it were me, I'd find a way to get mother OUT of the house, period. She doesn't need to 'understand' why, she just needs to live elsewhere. Because any mother that doesn't want to budge after her daughter has been hospitalized 2x recently, doesn't really care about her daughter's welfare at all. She doesn't need to 'connect the dots' as to what needs to happen.........YOU need to connect the dots. Take care of YOUR health first and foremost, and see about making other living arrangements for mother. ASAP.

Best of luck!
Helpful Answer (18)

I think Taarna said it best: "Since you are experiencing health issues, you need to take 'time off' from caregiving until your health is more stable. Tell your husband, family, and mother that you can not take care of your mother at this time."

You have serious health issues. You have had two crises; why are you waiting for the third one? Why is your mother more important than you? So what if she doesn't want to go to a nursing home? You are KILLING yourself taking care of her.

Yes, I am coming on strong, but to me this isn't a case of things gradually getting better. You need immediate removal of caregiving duties now.

Can't you see this?
Helpful Answer (8)

Please care for yourself first and foremost. It’s not selfish to do so. You’re no good to your mother or anyone else when you’re sick and run down. I hope you’ll get extra help with your mother while you practice self care, either in home help or her moving to a good situation for her
Helpful Answer (7)

Oh, wow. I am so sorry!

This reminds me of when we were waiting for DH's liver transplant---a year of incomparable stress and anxiety as he had liver cancer--then the transplant and 4 months of solid caregiving 24/7 with no respite, whatsoever.

He got the 'all clear' and went back to work. First thing he did was take a business trip. I was home alone and fell to pieces. Went to my doc who said "YOU are going to explode if you don't get this stress under control'. DH was not the least supportive and pooh-poohed my perceived illness. HE was the one who'd been sick, not me, why would that affect ME?

That was 15 years ago and he has put me through the wringer many more times since then. Never acknowledges my care of him or the running of our home & family. It's all about him, all the time.

Time for mom to move. You'll die before she does at this rate.

I can handle ANYTHING if there is a word or two of gratitude involved. It's the daily grind that gets me. And the lack of awareness that I also would like to have a life. Sounds like your mom can't do that. It hurts, doesn't it?

Minimally, can you get in home help? So you can de-compress and even maybe take a nap! I am a famous napper, and I know that sleep is the best healer.

Helpful Answer (6)

You can comeback any time of just hang out and read. I have been here about nine years, four of those caring for mom at her home. She passed four years ago and here I am. I have made wonderful cyber friends that have also lost their loved ones. We are here hoping to share our experiences that may be of help to others.

Glad to have you.
Helpful Answer (6)

I understand how stressful this must be. Concentrate on yourself and your health. What did your doctors recommend for YOUR health? Taking new meds for your BP and sugar levels? Exercising?
When you were in the hospital who took care of Mom? Was she able to stay at home alone?
I suggest you plan more outings for you....lunch with a friend, a manicure, window shop, walk in a park (grocery shopping and doctor's appointments don't count as outings).
Or take Mom out for a drive in the country or to get some ice cream.
Would Mom go to Adult day care?
You may want to get Mom a life alert device (there are several brands) costing about $30 a month.
I truly don't think your Mom understands your health problems. You're there for her and that's all that matters to her.
Most importantly take care of you!!
Best wishes
Helpful Answer (6)
Candyapple Sep 2021
I love, love ur response. u sound little like me. the life alert device would be great. Mom is not understanding she has her issues. I just believe the relationship could work if she gets that me time and if mom could do the same except the caregiver take her sometimes and once she gets well they both can go and eat right....
Aabsolutely come to vent. ❤
Helpful Answer (5)

Since you are experiencing health issues, you need to take "time off" from caregiving until your health is more stable. Tell your husband, family, and mother that you can not take care of your mother at this time. Let them decide on who or where your mother will receive her care. Please make sure to give everybody a sensible deadline - can you manage for 1-2 weeks? - to stop caring for mom and start caring for yourself. When you are "free from caregiving", please make your health a priority and make those lifestyle changes.
Helpful Answer (5)

A couple more thoughts. You say “Do you think this is something the entire family is going to have to talk to her about? ...I don't want to "gang up" on her”. I’d suggest that the entire family DOES need to be involved in this, and it might even help your husband to get real. However you don’t need to confront her in a gang. Talk it through, and decide on a strategy where one person talks to her at a time. Someone else can be much stronger about YOUR problems than you are likely to be yourself. The second ‘talker’ can get stronger again. The strategy also needs to cover what happens when you go to hospital again, and what happens if you do actually die.

The second thought is to stress that Respite Care is respite for the CARER, not for the person being cared for. It is exactly what you need now, and your mother’s opinion is NOT the point.
Helpful Answer (5)

My mother stayed with me for a few weeks after heart surgery. My blood pressure skyrocketed and scared both of us. Hypertension runs in the family. That's what prompted me to tell her that her living with me just wasn’t an option, it wasn’t in me not to worry and frankly it was me or her. If something happened to me she was be really stuck! And her doctors all told her they thought AL was a good idea for her.

I had been gently pushing her to consider AL for some time and she agreed to visit several options. She picked one and was moved in a few months later. My stress and worry we’re still there but at least I could take breaks and go home.

And honestly, your husband is being a jerk. It's hard to say no to a parent but sounds like it's time to put on your big girl panties and tell Mom it's time to move on. Sure, she's going to be mad at you but at least she won’t be pouting in your house 24/7 and making you miserable. Once she is gone you can control the level of contact you have with her. And get your health back.
Helpful Answer (5)

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