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Hello everyone, I had honestly forgotten how great everyone has been to me on this forum . It's feel wonderful just to hear in a sense "I understand" . I've often felt so completely alone on this journey. The good news is that my mom is doing great, she's become stronger and stronger to the point that she is even moving around through the house without the use of her walker at times. She is not and cannot ever live alone again though, she thinks that could happen but I've had to shut that dream down. I'm really happy, she's no longer hard to take care of Physically. She's had a few stumbles but no more falls in several months now. We also got her back to the doctors and had some tests done. Her kidneys have gotten a little stronger she is by no means out of the woods and it would not take much to send her back downhill toward dialysis. The cyst she had which classified her as terminal has resolved itself so she is no longer "terminal" in that sense.


Me however not so much, I've been trying to handle everything myself emotionally and I've fallen down figuratively getting worse over the last 6-7 weeks. I entered September seemingly on the wrong path. I have begun having some issues with my BP over the last 6 weeks and ended up in the emergency room on Aug. 31 with a mild stroke. Threw me for a loop real quick, never in a million years would I have thought I would have a stroke. I was in the hospital for 3 days and 2 nights. When they sent me home they all but guaranteed me it would happen again unless I make some changes starting with lowering my stress level. I asked my mom to go to a nursing home, she clammed up and never said a word. I tried explaining to her how much I worry about her and how's she going to be taken care of with my health getting bad. Again no response. A couple days later I began feeling unwell again, developed a sinus infection , then a chest cold. I though I had a simple head and chest cold, perhaps bronchitis but not that was not the case. On Sept. 7 I was back in the ER with pneumonia. Once again, 3 days and 2 nights in the hospital. Again I tried to talk to mom about going to a nursing home, told her I was willing to let it be temporary until I can get my health under control. Explained that testing while in the hospital pointed to other potential severe problems; my carotid arteries in my neck are narrowing and a blood test shows a strong possibility of blood clots in my body. My A1C is still over nine so I am potentially a walking time bomb and need to make some changes without too much waiting. I sure can't take care of mom if that second stroke comes and it's a big one that may just end my life. I tried explaining all this to my mom as gently as I can but she either can't or won't process it . Her case manager is working on getting her into the specialist to get her evaluated for dementia but nothing yet. If we get that definitive diagnosis I could potentially force her into a nursing home. I don't want to do that but I feel like that is what she's going to force me to do. Do you think this is something the entire family is going to have to talk to her about? I did think about doing that but I don't want to "gang up" on her. P.S my husband thinks it unnecessary for her to go to a nursing home. he does not understand how emotionally draining it is on me nor how stressful dealing with the silent treatment tantrums and constant judgement of what I'm doing, what and how I'm cooking food. Nothing is ever right. She acknowledges that I have done everything for her but complains about all of it. She says that "we need to do something" but cannot seem to connect the dots as to what we need to do.

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marigene - stay tuned. You will get more answers in a few hours as right now is night time for most of us.

You need to take care of your health first. Your A1C is really high and diabetes can bring on a host of other health problems, but you already know that.

It seems that your mother does have some cognitive issues. Whether she needs nursing home or something less, like assisted living can be determined after she has her evaluation.

The bottom line is that you should not take care of her at the expense of your health.
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I've been struggling to get my A1C down for almost three years. That's also about the time I had to take over mom's care when she and my sister had a falling out. When I began the 24/7 care my A1C was over ten then so it is coming down. My endocrinologist says it's healthier to bring it down slowly than quickly. But now they tell me that I need to be more aggressive, that lowering my stress level is one of the first steps to getting my health under control. And diabetes along with every other system in the body is very reactive to stress. Assisted living is self pay in our area so that is out for mom, all she has is her humana and a limited state medicaid card. Definitely not something she can afford and we cannot afford to help her. There's just no one else to take care of her. We(the family, not her) are about 99 percent certain she does have dementia; the signs are there. My daughter is a CNA and works in a nursing home she recognizes a lot of mom's behaviors to be the same as some of those at her job. I don't think mom is very far advanced however those behaviors are getting more and more apparent. I am concerned that putting her into a nursing home could lead to a faster progression for her, that she won't receive the same stimulation she does here to keep her mind active. but if I have another stroke or even a heart attack which has now become a worry how am I going to take care of her if I'm down. Who's going to take care of her if I die? She sleeps a lot, averaging about 20 out 24 that she is sleeping. She's not resting though , restless legs keep her feet and legs moving constantly. When she's asleep, I check on her constantly when she is'nt snoring. I make sure I can see that rise and fall of her chest as she's breathing. If I can't see it because the blanket is bunched up I panic I begin going through the check list in my head of what I have to do if she's passed in her sleep. I do this daily, sometimes several times a day. I know that even this little thing, something every new mother does with her newborn (watching them breath when they sleep) is causing me a great deal of stress. I feel like knowing the behaviors that I have and yet not being able to stop them is making me even more stressed. I am on a merry go round of stress that is never ending and just gains more momentum.
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againx100 Sep 2021
Stop checking on her like she's a baby. You are stressing yourself out. Yes, you know, at some point she is going to die. Accept that and stop worrying about it so much.

I do know how you feel though. When my mom sleeps in (which is just every now and then) I kind of freak out a little. I imagine that she's dead and can't force myself to go check on her - which I don't want to - and keep busy until she finally comes out of her room. I talk myself off the ledge and refuse to obsess about it even though it crosses my mind.
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Oh, wow. I am so sorry!

This reminds me of when we were waiting for DH's liver transplant---a year of incomparable stress and anxiety as he had liver cancer--then the transplant and 4 months of solid caregiving 24/7 with no respite, whatsoever.

He got the 'all clear' and went back to work. First thing he did was take a business trip. I was home alone and fell to pieces. Went to my doc who said "YOU are going to explode if you don't get this stress under control'. DH was not the least supportive and pooh-poohed my perceived illness. HE was the one who'd been sick, not me, why would that affect ME?

That was 15 years ago and he has put me through the wringer many more times since then. Never acknowledges my care of him or the running of our home & family. It's all about him, all the time.

Time for mom to move. You'll die before she does at this rate.

I can handle ANYTHING if there is a word or two of gratitude involved. It's the daily grind that gets me. And the lack of awareness that I also would like to have a life. Sounds like your mom can't do that. It hurts, doesn't it?

Minimally, can you get in home help? So you can de-compress and even maybe take a nap! I am a famous napper, and I know that sleep is the best healer.

((Hugs))
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Please care for yourself first and foremost. It’s not selfish to do so. You’re no good to your mother or anyone else when you’re sick and run down. I hope you’ll get extra help with your mother while you practice self care, either in home help or her moving to a good situation for her
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MidKid58, yes honestly that is a part of it. She asks for a certain food or meal and seems unable to just say I want this or I want that. She tells me ingredients and how to put them together often leaving out key ingredients. Luckily in most cases it's stuff I grew up eating so I know what she's talking about. I do the best I can to make it exactly how she made it but sometimes you know it's just a little different. Maybe I use a little more salt and pepper than she always did or cooked it a little slower or faster than she did. She watches me , every move I make, everything I do and questions me constantly. She wants to know what I'm doing, how I'm doing it and sometimes why I am doing it. I was the baby of the family and was always very tiny. I'm not even 5 ft so I never did get very big. (ha ha) I was told I was too little to do all the things other kids were doing, too little to wrestle and play with cousins at reunions, etc. To be fair there were more than 25 grandchildren from the ages of toddler to 16 and most were nearly twice my size even those in the same 1-2 year age bracket. As a result I felt "not good enough" and I've dealt with a low self image my entire life. At the age of 55 I feel that so much more strongly than I have in years. I know my mother does not mean to hurt me like this, it is by no means intentional but there it is. I feel that she's judging me all the time every day. It hurts and while there are one or two family members who see it and get it. (She's done the same to my sister.)Honestly what probably hurts the most is that I worry that I could die or that my mom could die and there could be those negative feelings hanging between us. My mom is not an affectionate person, it's just not the thing for us to say "I love you" . I have however told her more than once over the last 8 months told her "I love you" . She's not said it once. I know she does but it would be nice to hear even if just once.
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What is bothersome is your statement that your husband thinks it's 'unnecessary' for your mother to go to a nursing home. Does he not understand your health is at risk? Perhaps he should quit his job and devote 24/7 to caring for her instead of you? He may change his tune quickly if that were the case, huh?

In any event, whatever you decide to do with your mother, it's a good idea to get your health under control now by controlling your sugar/carb intake and lowering your A1C. Stress is another matter, and if it were me, I'd find a way to get mother OUT of the house, period. She doesn't need to 'understand' why, she just needs to live elsewhere. Because any mother that doesn't want to budge after her daughter has been hospitalized 2x recently, doesn't really care about her daughter's welfare at all. She doesn't need to 'connect the dots' as to what needs to happen.........YOU need to connect the dots. Take care of YOUR health first and foremost, and see about making other living arrangements for mother. ASAP.

Best of luck!
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LeaLeoni1, that is the problem in a nutshell. He has some of the same issues with his mother (judgmental, critical of everything he does, etc.) He thinks that I should be able to just let everything roll off my back like he does. He does not understand how much it is affecting my health. He does not understand how all of my ailments are contributing to each other making things worse. He gets to leave, gets to come home to get away from his mother. Me on the other hand; I'm here 24/7. The only time I get away from all of it is when I have a dr appt or a necessary shopping trip. When that happens I am still stressed and worried because she is here alone for a period of time. Usually no more than 2 hours but a lot can happen in two hours. I am not the least bit comfortable to be able to relax at all . I am rushing to get back to her.
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Gracie61 Sep 2021
When your husband comes home in the evening, leave for at least several hours. If you don't like to drive at night, call a ride share. Go for a quiet meal, go to a movie, go to a friend's house. Get take out and sit at a park or shopping mall and read a book or do needpoint or whatever relaxes you. Turn your phone off. Your caregiving shift is over, it's his turn. If he squawks about it tell him that's what you do everyday, and what he will be doing if you die or become disabled.
A weeks of by himself caregiving reality will probably turn things around. Even better, hire a day caregiver for a week and check into a hotel.
People who love you don't risk your health.
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Aabsolutely come to vent. ❤
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You can comeback any time of just hang out and read. I have been here about nine years, four of those caring for mom at her home. She passed four years ago and here I am. I have made wonderful cyber friends that have also lost their loved ones. We are here hoping to share our experiences that may be of help to others.

Glad to have you.
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I understand how stressful this must be. Concentrate on yourself and your health. What did your doctors recommend for YOUR health? Taking new meds for your BP and sugar levels? Exercising?
When you were in the hospital who took care of Mom? Was she able to stay at home alone?
I suggest you plan more outings for you....lunch with a friend, a manicure, window shop, walk in a park (grocery shopping and doctor's appointments don't count as outings).
Or take Mom out for a drive in the country or to get some ice cream.
Would Mom go to Adult day care?
You may want to get Mom a life alert device (there are several brands) costing about $30 a month.
I truly don't think your Mom understands your health problems. You're there for her and that's all that matters to her.
Most importantly take care of you!!
Best wishes
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Candyapple Sep 2021
I love, love ur response. u sound little like me. the life alert device would be great. Mom is not understanding she has her issues. I just believe the relationship could work if she gets that me time and if mom could do the same except the caregiver take her sometimes and once she gets well they both can go and eat right....
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Is your mom health good enough and is she with it well enough mentally to move into some kind of senior community style housing and have homecare aides? Or maybe an AL facility instead of a nursing home?
Your health and well-being has to come first. A social worker can help you find the right kind of housing for your mom. Check with your state's Agency on Aging or the Department of Social Services or the Office of the Ombudsman if your state has one.
We fund these services through the tax dollars we pay and they are here to serve us when we need them. You need help finding the proper housing for your mother. Make them earn their money and help you find it.
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Marigene, you sound like a kind and empathic person, and now you need to take care of you. As you say, you can possibly die right now if YOU don't get the right care. You need to find people who will support you.
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Since you are experiencing health issues, you need to take "time off" from caregiving until your health is more stable. Tell your husband, family, and mother that you can not take care of your mother at this time. Let them decide on who or where your mother will receive her care. Please make sure to give everybody a sensible deadline - can you manage for 1-2 weeks? - to stop caring for mom and start caring for yourself. When you are "free from caregiving", please make your health a priority and make those lifestyle changes.
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So sorry to hear this. Yes, you are welcome to vent, we all need to. Please please put yourself first. Is there any way you can get someone to help? Professional health care workers, visiting nurses? Even just a few hours of help can make a huge difference in the quality of your life and level of health. I am learning how to balance my life now that my dad’s pancreatic cancer is metastasizing. I’ve had to release all guilt regarding toxic relatives. I’ve learned that the “high road” sometimes means putting a “road closed permanently” sign up. Taking care of your health bay often require a level of “selfishness” that makes you uncomfortable. You need yo discern what that means for you. Blessings and good luck to you. Please come back to vent any time you need it.
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Let me just say tgat I totally understand mom not wanting to go to a Nursing Home as it's definitely not a fun place to visit much less to have to live in one. They are mostly all understaffed and residents are usually over medicated to keep them more calmed but leaves them drugged and not themself.

First Decide if the real problem is your mom and if you think she could stay if changes were made.

Then write down all the things that would need to change and see if mom is willing to make them.

If husband doesn't think it's necessary for mom to give in a Nursing Home then he should be willing to help you out with mom to give you less to do.

Check with mom's Insurance and see what help they can provide at home.

See if mom can go to Adult Day Care.

You might think about hiring help like a Caregiver a few hrs a week..

Hire a Maid once a week to clean the house.

Order out a couple times a week instead of cooking.

Treat yourself to a massage once a week.

I understand You do have to take care of yourself first, so if nothing above works out then you'll have no choice but to have mom leave.

Prayers
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Frances73 Sep 2021
Please don’t lump all senior facilities into one pile. There are several levels of care and hundreds of facilities to choose from. Mom was in AL, Rehab, SNC, and Memory Care and with one exception they all treated her with care and respect all while going through the Covid lockdown. Those workers all deserve medals for what they did for their residents.

My grandmother was in Memory Care and several of her nurses came to the funeral. My sister worked in a multi level facility and says the residents are treated like royalty. Yes, some are expensive but you pay for what you get!
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Is assisted living an option? My mom, who used to live with me is very happy at the facility she is in. She has an apartment, and goes to their dining room for meals. There are many options and different levels of care, and all facilities are different, so it’s sometimes hard to compare. When she went, (after a medical incident, and I said it was no longer safe for her here), she was “level 4 care” - had help with dressing, showering, meds, 3 meals/day. She is now at their “level 11” which is considered enhanced care - help with toileting, besides all the rest…people checking on her routinely. Hoping for the best for you, and your whole family!
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sorry to hear this but it seems like mom is doing better. first of all pray about everything. ask God to help u in decisions. However, I'm thinking like ur husband is right. I would let mom stay and sometimes have someone to come and check in on her while ur out getting exercise with your husband or movie time or what have u. u did not mentioned if u are over weight that could be a factor ur not eating properly. u and mom could start eating a plant based meal, go for walks together, u both could get counseling. u just need to find balance. let mom stay. find something for her to do while ur cooking or have a caregiver to come when ur doing certain things. i think u could work around it. to me it seems ur making a mountain out of a mow hill. sorry .
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Ballardite Sep 2021
Candyapple, please pray about what you wrote above. I see cultural differences, harsh judgment and spite in your posting. (And even I should NOT be replying to you; this makes my heart hurt and makes me a judgmental jerk!) Elohim would NOT discount marigene’s heartfelt plea with, “ur making a mountain out of a mow (sic) hill. sorry.”
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marigene, I can totally relate to your situation. I imagine a lot of us here can. Caregiving for others -- and usually many others (spouses, parents & pets!) - results in us neglecting our own health.

I just kinda had the thought that when we are asking our loved ones to give us a break and they refuse (actively or passively), maybe it's US who need to put ourselves in some sort of rehab. Take a week or 2 or whatever, find somewhere to go, even if it's a hotel, where we can be away and have some personal time. I'll bet we all (us and our loved ones) would make some startling revelations about our situations if we caretakers just said, "I'm leaving for a week so I can get some much needed rest. Take care!" Of course, I haven't had the fortitude to do that yet -- I go crazy for weeks before the rare occasions I leave town, trying to configure a plan for someone to look after my mother (without my mother knowing everything I'm going through, because I'm afraid it would make her feel bad). Ugh. The tangled nature of caregiving is exhausting.
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I'm so sorry to hear about your current health issues...since my livelihood is in HR, I think of it in work terms.. and if someone in a company was having health issues, then they have a right to take a leave of absence for 3 months to take care of themselves. And you've taken on a role of taking care of your mom and it sounds like you've been amazing at doing so - but it's work - just like a job. In my opinion, I think it's extremely important for you to now focus on YOU - for your mind, body and spirit to re-charge and rebuild yourself - your body has given you a warning and now is the time to listen to it. Perhaps just for 90 days, you can step back a bit...are there other family members, siblings - who can step up and open up their home to your mom for a few months while you mend? Having time for yourself just to breath - and focus on anything you like ...reading, exercising, eating healthy, walking...can be tremendous ways to recharge. And, then you can decide what's best after that. Or, at the very least, I know there are adult day care centers - most cities also have day activities for seniors at practically no cost - including lunch - they play bingo, cards, social activities, yoga, etc - I just learned all this for my elderly aunt who needs more interaction. If you are able to reach out to extended family, this is a perfect time to ask for temporary support for the time being - it can give you enough time to step back and make future decisions for your mom in a less rushed way. Wishing you the best of Great Health to you and your family.
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I think Taarna said it best: "Since you are experiencing health issues, you need to take 'time off' from caregiving until your health is more stable. Tell your husband, family, and mother that you can not take care of your mother at this time."

You have serious health issues. You have had two crises; why are you waiting for the third one? Why is your mother more important than you? So what if she doesn't want to go to a nursing home? You are KILLING yourself taking care of her.

Yes, I am coming on strong, but to me this isn't a case of things gradually getting better. You need immediate removal of caregiving duties now.

Can't you see this?
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The answer is in front of you. You need an eldercare attorney to help you get Power of Attorney and whatever else you need. She is old and stubborn ad will fight to the death to be in control - and this will destroy you. You have serious problems and YOU must take care of you first. Her needs come after yours. If no one can or will take care of her so you don't have to do it, just place her and let her rant and rave. She doesn't care about you so don't you care if she gets upset. Please look after you before it is too late.
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marigene Sep 2021
I already have POA but even with that she is considered mentally capable of making her own decisions. We are trying to have her evaluated for dementia but with COVID; well we all know how hard it can be to get appointments scheduled. I am the only one to take care of her, My sister in law takes care of her own aged parents and my sister has her own daily caregiver due to her own physical limitations. She and my brother still have a teenager at home. They also babysit their granddaughter (3 years) while my niece and her husband work. Where they live is impossible for mom to even visit. I moved mom to my home in Ohio from her home in West Virginia in March because my brother made promises about being there on the weekends so I could have a break. He never followed through on that promise. On the rare occasions when they did come over I was still not supposed to go anywhere. I was told that "I was taking advantage by leaving to visit with with friends for a couple of hours" . The point being help was promised and it never happened. I had my son staying with us helping to care for my mom. My son is schizophrenic and in the 3 months of helping to care for his grandmother my son developed high blood pressure and diabetes. HIs blood work came back so bad they told us he was a walking heart attack at 35. Since I moved her over here he has gotten his bp and diabetes under control. He lives in a tiny house in my sisters front yard and I had him brought over to take care of mom while I was in the hospital. Every other family member either has infants, small children or jobs. DO NOT EVER SAY MY MOTHER DOES NOT CARE! My mother has never in my life been the least bit selfish or self - absorbed. She took care of the family my entire life. She helped me tremendously in learning how to take care of my children when they were born . She never judged or condemned me for getting pregnant and becoming a teen mother (I was 18) I can never turn my back on my mother and would never consider it.
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A couple more thoughts. You say “Do you think this is something the entire family is going to have to talk to her about? ...I don't want to "gang up" on her”. I’d suggest that the entire family DOES need to be involved in this, and it might even help your husband to get real. However you don’t need to confront her in a gang. Talk it through, and decide on a strategy where one person talks to her at a time. Someone else can be much stronger about YOUR problems than you are likely to be yourself. The second ‘talker’ can get stronger again. The strategy also needs to cover what happens when you go to hospital again, and what happens if you do actually die.

The second thought is to stress that Respite Care is respite for the CARER, not for the person being cared for. It is exactly what you need now, and your mother’s opinion is NOT the point.
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My mother stayed with me for a few weeks after heart surgery. My blood pressure skyrocketed and scared both of us. Hypertension runs in the family. That's what prompted me to tell her that her living with me just wasn’t an option, it wasn’t in me not to worry and frankly it was me or her. If something happened to me she was be really stuck! And her doctors all told her they thought AL was a good idea for her.

I had been gently pushing her to consider AL for some time and she agreed to visit several options. She picked one and was moved in a few months later. My stress and worry we’re still there but at least I could take breaks and go home.

And honestly, your husband is being a jerk. It's hard to say no to a parent but sounds like it's time to put on your big girl panties and tell Mom it's time to move on. Sure, she's going to be mad at you but at least she won’t be pouting in your house 24/7 and making you miserable. Once she is gone you can control the level of contact you have with her. And get your health back.
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Oh my gosh, it's not just me?! My mom is so picky. Even my teen daughter gets stressed abiut doing the simplest thing for her. I can do exactly what she asks and she either will find something wrong or not say anything. Sometimes she says thank you, but it's 90g complaining no matter how much I clean, organize, schedule medical care, wash laundry (which is excessive due tonher condition) etc.

My mom has a peg tube, swallowing issues, speech issues, a left leg that she can barely move and a sore partially replaced left hip. It is so much to keep up with and YES it is emotionally draining knowing I have to get her meds to her every 6 hours, wondering if I am monitoring everything I should, being responsible for her meals, laundry and assisting with hygiene, etc., etc.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. This response is for me as well as you. I was in the ER a couple of times last fall from worrying too much while my mom was recovering from her 2nd stroke. I was worried about work AND my mom. And I have two teens who I can't give as much attention as I would like due to mom's needs.

I realized I can't satisfy her, so I can't measure myself based on her responses. I can't save the world or fix everybody else's mistakes either. That's not my burden to carry.

I DO need help even though she thinks I should be able to handle it all on my own. I DO need my own time, hobbies, rest, etc. and it is right for me to protect that. I DO love my mom and take care of her the best I can, and people around me see it and compliment and encourage me from time to time. Most importantly for me, God sees my struggle and my sincere desire to do right by her. He records it all.

God said love your neighbor as you love yourself. So that means LOVE and take care of yourself!

Make arrangements as best you can. You may want to just discuss things with your siblings, but yhat doesn't mean they have to talk to her to try to convince her. They may just support you by listening to your mother and/or trying to present a different point of view when she doesn't agree/ understand. But if they play "Good Cop" and listen to her grievances, that may take some burden off you and appease her a bit. Also hopefully they are willing to listen to you vent or talk things out. It helps me so much when one of my siblings just lets me talk about what's going on.

NOTE: There are concerns about COVID spreading in care facilities right now, but your health situation is life threatening. I encourage you to do what is best for you and trust God to fill in what you can't control (which is more than we think!)
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I feel it’s time for you think about you and your health….. best of luck to you as you learn to navigate making your health a priority. At the end of the day, we really only have ourselves. Don’t turn your back on you
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All of us have to make hard choices when taking care of a LO. Soon or later you will need to decide what is best for mom and yourself. If you should become handicapped it does not seem that your husband could take care mom and you, Therefore some of your choices have have already been decided for you. Your health is suffering and you need to take of yourself.
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Another post from me. Last January I ended up in the ER having what I thought was a heart attack. I was 65 with no history of heart troubles. Ended up being a panic attack after spending most of the previous year moving Mom into AL, clearing and selling her house, and dealing with her daily needs, trips to the dr, etc. And this was pre-Covid!

I am retired, single, no kids or grandkids just one elderly parent to deal with. I can’t imagine the stresses you are dealing with so please, feel free to vent here, that is what this forum is for.
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Why doesn't your husband take the lead to be the primary care provider for your mother . . . if HE doesn't think she needs to be in a nursing home.

You do need to make changes based on your own health needs.
It sounds like your husband doesn't support you in the least.

If you have more serious debilitating health concerns, what will happen to your mother then? will your husband take care of her?

You cannot ask her to go to a nursing home. How many people would eagerly agree to that ... out of 1,000: Answer: 0 / nada / none / zero.

Frankly, if I were you, I'd make arrangements for your mom to get the care she needs and the care you need her to get (for you), and consider if the husband needs to be booted out, too. He isn't helping you at all and may be contributing to your physical, emotional, psychological health. Excuse my bluntness. You have a lot of soul searching to do - and perhaps not a lot of time to make needed decisions - for your own health and well being. Stop being a doormat and put yourself first.

Gena / Touch Matters
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I think it is time to go for marriage counseling. If your husband doesn't empathize with your physical and emotional needs, it is time for that. I think, even though you didn't mention how HE acts with your mom or helps, that this emptiness is gnawing away at your insides. You have a HUSBAND with you and he does not CARE for your mom, and puts it all on you? You have worse problems than a stroke and diabetes, my dear. Please get help FOR YOURSELF, and put those two on the back burner. You also mentioned other family members. WHY IN THE HELL can't she stay with someone else? They seem all too relaxed, thinking YOU will do what they don't want to. That is NAUSEATING. "Beat up on her" by ganging up on her? That is the LEAST of your worries. You MUST get as many other people involved as possible. You said you tried to say it GENTLY? Why? That doesn't work. Harden your resolve and be FIRM and ASSERTIVE. Assertive does not mean aggressive or rude. So, ask her case manager and social workers and doctors for your options. Good luck. Don't kill yourself by taking all this on by yourself.
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MargaretMcKen Sep 2021
Getting into something like heavy marriage counseling with husband may not be the best thing for OP to do right now. How many women have husbands who don’t really ‘empathize with your physical and emotional needs’ - or even react well to a question like that? How many husbands are enthusiastic about MIL moving in, in the first place? Perhaps MIL doesn’t really need nursing care – just somewhere else to live that won’t drive OP around the twist. Sorting that out may be better, quicker and cheaper than marriage counseling!
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marigene: Imho, it is IMPERATIVE that you take care of yourself, else you'll fall even further ill and will be good to no one, especially being a caregiver to your mother.
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