I'm constantly nervous, worried. How does everyone else manage?

I was in your position for 10.5 years as an only child to 2 parents who I had to move out here to be close to me. I then had to manage their entire LIVES for them when they lost the ability to do so. I feel your pain.

My mother fell 95x while living in Assisted Living and then Memory Care for a total of 7 years. Every precaution known to man was taken to prevent those falls from happening, too, but my mother was a stubborn woman who did as she damn well pleased. So she did. And she'd fall as a result. And then, when dementia got bad, she forgot that she couldn't walk (she was in a wheelchair) and would insist she COULD walk, try to get up, and down she'd go. Over & over & over again to the point of insanity. The AL would call ME every time she fell; when she went on hospice, they TOO would call me, so I'd get TWO calls every time mom fell. I felt like I was losing my mind at times, I truly did.

But I didn't. I talked myself off the ledge by reminding myself I had no control over my mother's life. That she was being kept as safe as humanly POSSIBLE, as your mom is, and there was no other actions that could be taken to make things better. Even if I were to have sat with her 24/7, she STILL would have fallen b/c I would have had to go to the bathroom, sleep, leave the room for a few minutes, etc. The reality is, you and I cannot live our mother's lives FOR them; this is their life to live and only God has control over it's destiny.

You're doing all you can do for your mom. Just wait for The Phone Call and then meet the ambulance at the hospital, or go over to the house to do whatever has to be done. Live your LIFE in the meantime. Otherwise, your entire life is usurped in between now & when your mom passes away, and STILL you've managed to do nothing to change the outcome of her life ANYWAY. You are not responsible for her life, is the point. Only your life. Make the most of it and don't waste your days worrying over things you can't change. Decide that you will handle the crises as they crop up, and live your life in between times, to the best of your ability.

If you agree to borrow trouble from tomorrow, you spoil the beauty of today. Don't do that, waiting for the next shoe to drop. I know it's hard, but it's manageable when you have a plan of action that starts out with a prayer every morning when you wake up. Give it over to God and let Him handle it. He's got your back.

Best of luck

The level of anxiety that you describe sounds like more than what is reasonable because it is intruding into every moment and affecting your quality of life. Please talk about this with your own doctor, perhaps medication may help you.

Do DO speak to you doctor about this. My anxiety also escalated to insomnia as well. I finally consulted my doctor and she was so kind and prescribed something for my anxiety that has been tremendous help. It has stopped those colliding thoughts, worries, fears, etc. and I am back to sleeping again. I really didn’t want to have to see the doctor about it all, but so glad I did. It really worked for me.

I absolutely can identify with everything you said. I am a part-time caregiver for my mom as well. I recently reduced my days with my mom because we hired caregivers. But before that I lived half a week with her for a year. I actually became clinically depressed. And it affected my husband too. I work with a therapist now and I have anti-depressant medication. With all of this I’m still a nervous wreck, but I guess I’m better than if I didn’t have the supports. This is such a difficult time in life. You know that the next week will never bring anything really good, because our parents are declining. I just want to reach out and say yeah, me too.

This may sound kind of dramatic to some, but it’s a state of PTSD in my opinion. We’re always on heightened alert, expecting something…my mom lives with my husband, 2 teenage daughters and I. We have done everything possible to prevent a fall, but I know not everything can be prevented. I’m an only child also, and I know the burden you feel. The only thing that helps me is prayer, time away with my family when possible, hobbies.

Your mum sounds very well cared for, you need to look after yourself. Things happen but they would whether you are there or not. Take one day at a time, take things as they came, all the stress of worrying what may happen will burn you out-let go.

One of the things that surprised me after my dad died last year was the relief from the worry, the idea that I can breathe again. It was a horrible year between a cancer diagnosis, covid, hospice. Every resource I have was devoted to his care and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I was in a constant state of anxiety and worry- worry about his care, health, meds. I adored him - he did for me more that anyone by just being accepting and never judging as my mom does. He is such a big loss in my life but the weight was heavy and I was happy to carry it. I now have my mom and I am at it again she is healthy for now but incredibly difficult and I am always worried about when the next shoe will fall - when the elderly are involved the life gets sucked out of you its a constant battle and its never uphill.

Hello-
I am an only-child with a 91 year old mom who lives in Assisted Living, 3 minutes down the road from my home. I pick her up for dinner every day; we play Scrabble together after dinner. She has some days that are good, and others that are meh.

I am married, two boys- (21) and (16) who help me and show tremendous grace and love, as they emulate what I project.

She has Parkinson’s, arthritis, —bottom line—she is old. I can’t fix old. You can’t fix it either. My peace is in accepting what is.

She had a mild heart attack in May and her cardiologist said the hospital visit isn’t helping her. She will not have surgeries or invasive tests or procedures, etc. The hospital was confusing her—lots of noise, constant interruptions, no sleep—it makes the geriatric set confused.

There is no perfect set-up for “old.” Hospitals aren’t ideal, assisted living isn’t ideal and home isn’t either. Try to do the best you can and that is all you can do.

Here is an article I read from time to time (over and over again) and it reminds me of the sheer fact that old is old. I need to live my life and do my best to help my mom live a good one as well. Heck, she made it to 91 and for that I am blessed. She isn’t perfect, but neither am I.

Take deep breaths —one day at a time!

Link to the article-https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiver-fix-it-mentality-leads-to-burnout-152629.htm

Give yourself a break. Decide to accept what can’t be different or better and know that you’ve done your best for your mom. None of us have any control, it’s an illusion we give ourselves that we actually control things. Yes, mom will fall and she will decline, it’s the normal course of life. Be kind to yourself, make time for activities you enjoy and that bring you peace. I wish you well

Your constant anxiety is something most of us have been through. Try to get some help for your anxiety. Learn to focus on one day at a time, only the present. For me prayer is a great healer and I am doing the very best I can but life is beyond my control.

I try to squeeze in some quiet time during my day and maybe for an hour put your phone on silent. Constantly waiting on the phone to ring is a big stressor.

Your mom has a lot of help. You hired them and they may not do care the same as you but mom is well cared for. Trust them.

Get some green time everyday and enjoy the beauty of nature.

Some herbal teas are very relaxing. My mom swears by lavender chamomile for her anxiety.

Breathe!