She is in denial about being hard of hearing. She says I'm the only one who has trouble talking to her. Actually, there is very little that I can ever do right.
Anyway, I had a knee replacement a couple weeks ago and the pain and discomfort are making it more difficult to be patient with her. I try to manage my pain with the meds they prescribed and hide out in my room when I can. Is there anything else I can do?
If your mom won't accept hearing loss then simply reduce interaction with her. Do the minimum. You imply you can't do right for wrong so if her hearing is as good as she thinks, challenge her to be tested to prove her right and you wrong. It took me 5 years to get my mother to admit she needed hearing aids.
I use to say that I could jump through flaming hoops and it wouldn't be good enough, so why bother? That's the position your mom has put you in.
Tell her that you have found a good facility and maybe she can be less critical of the services they provide her because you are done trying your best only to fail.
Tell her all of this at top volume so she is sure to hear, then stop talking to her until she is placed.
At 95 it will be difficult for Mom to change.
Yes, mom may always be critical of you.
She may have been some / all of your life, or this is new-ish based on her fears of losing her mind and her independence.
Being patient doesn't mean being a doormat.
I wonder what it means to you? To me, it means being compassionate and understanding where the person is coming from (based on their experience and NOT TAKING their behavior / words personally).
It means being an active listener and knowing how to respond without setting up an argument (which she may want to blow off steam - you ARE the target). In other words, a simple response "I hear you saying xxx' is reflective listening although you aren't taking a side.
Patience of knowing when new decisions need to be made. Be it placement for mom or figuring out what is in YOUR best interest ... hiding out in your room tells me you do not have the ... inner resources to stand up to your mother. This is so very unhealthy for you, and perhaps a life long pattern.
In order for you to know how to respond to her, you need to know your own limits / boundaries. If you are triggered and afraid to speak up / talk with her, then you want need a therapist or some supportive intervention (a medical social worker, for instance).
This is very hard work. You have to believe you deserve a life. Once you feel stronger about your own quality of life, you will be more able to assert yourself and make decisions that are in the best interest of EVERYONE.
I encourage you to get into therapy and/or get some support.
Sounds like you are in way over your head with care with no boundaries set, which you (desperately) need - for your own well-being, and mom's.
If she can't hear you loud and clear, write down:
This is what we are going to do xxx.
Get it clear in your own head first.
Gena / Touch Matters
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