She is in denial about being hard of hearing. She says I'm the only one who has trouble talking to her. Actually, there is very little that I can ever do right.
Anyway, I had a knee replacement a couple weeks ago and the pain and discomfort are making it more difficult to be patient with her. I try to manage my pain with the meds they prescribed and hide out in my room when I can. Is there anything else I can do?
If your mom won't accept hearing loss then simply reduce interaction with her. Do the minimum. You imply you can't do right for wrong so if her hearing is as good as she thinks, challenge her to be tested to prove her right and you wrong. It took me 5 years to get my mother to admit she needed hearing aids.
At 95 it will be difficult for Mom to change.
I use to say that I could jump through flaming hoops and it wouldn't be good enough, so why bother? That's the position your mom has put you in.
Tell her that you have found a good facility and maybe she can be less critical of the services they provide her because you are done trying your best only to fail.
Tell her all of this at top volume so she is sure to hear, then stop talking to her until she is placed.
Can you arrange for mom to have a respite stay in a nice care home while you recover? Consider it a trial that could become a long term stay if it is successful.
If not, then try and maintain your boundaries and protect your personal space. And write down messages for your mother. If you are frustrated communicating with her because she can't hear you, find another way. Tell her that you are in pain and you are frustrated and that you need some space from her! If she refuses to honor your personal space, then go retreat to your room. But, really, don't become a drug addict.
Yes, mom may always be critical of you.
She may have been some / all of your life, or this is new-ish based on her fears of losing her mind and her independence.
Being patient doesn't mean being a doormat.
I wonder what it means to you? To me, it means being compassionate and understanding where the person is coming from (based on their experience and NOT TAKING their behavior / words personally).
It means being an active listener and knowing how to respond without setting up an argument (which she may want to blow off steam - you ARE the target). In other words, a simple response "I hear you saying xxx' is reflective listening although you aren't taking a side.
Patience of knowing when new decisions need to be made. Be it placement for mom or figuring out what is in YOUR best interest ... hiding out in your room tells me you do not have the ... inner resources to stand up to your mother. This is so very unhealthy for you, and perhaps a life long pattern.
In order for you to know how to respond to her, you need to know your own limits / boundaries. If you are triggered and afraid to speak up / talk with her, then you want need a therapist or some supportive intervention (a medical social worker, for instance).
This is very hard work. You have to believe you deserve a life. Once you feel stronger about your own quality of life, you will be more able to assert yourself and make decisions that are in the best interest of EVERYONE.
I encourage you to get into therapy and/or get some support.
Sounds like you are in way over your head with care with no boundaries set, which you (desperately) need - for your own well-being, and mom's.
If she can't hear you loud and clear, write down:
This is what we are going to do xxx.
Get it clear in your own head first.
Gena / Touch Matters
As for your pain, you need to follow the plan from physical therapy for mobility. Also make sure to take pain meds on a schedule for best results. You should have a couple of different types of medication to handle pain of different types and severity. If your current pain medications are not helping you cope, call your surgeon.
And, be aware to create a stronger 'backbone' when she communicates with you - don't take it so personally (it isn't). When a person is stressed out, which means vulnerable emotionally and psychologically, we hear and take in others' words as if the are right in that we respond mentally and physically in ways that are heard and felt as negative.
So ... you are vulnerable.
And their stuff is their stuff, not yours.
If 100 people hear the same external communication, it will be heard and felt 100 different ways. Why? Because we all internalize others' words/behaviors based on who we are inside. The stronger we are - the more whole we are individually, the less impact others' (outside forces) will affect us. We 'know' its their stuff.
This doesn't mean that what others say isn't valuable AT TIMES. Sure it is. But or and, caregiving is another ball of wax (?) ... its another category of challenge and stress(ors). Even so... when I've been in the firing squad of being a stressed out care provider ... due to insults, anger, you name it ... thrown at me... the LESSON becomes one of listening to myself and how I respond - and figuring out how to change my feelings or AUTOMATIC RESPONSE.
Step back and regroup.
Explore how you are taking care of yourself, ie diet, exercise, fun, diversion, meditation, hobbies? Consciousness raising. Learning to be a team player on your team.
Do you realize you cannot be ON all the time w/o negative / unhealthy consequences?
Be aware of and decide how you need to take care of yourself.
And, reflect on if her behaviors / words are a life-long pattern of you feeling "I'm not good enough," due to her demands, expectations. Often these patterns start in childhood ... and until we explore them, they run us ... often / mostly unconsciously. Even if conscious ... that is when the INNER WORK starts (and it never ends).
Check out Rick Hansen, Ph.D., Wed night 6pm (California time) a try. He is an expert in both Buddhism and Neuro-Plasticity (brain changes). And, his other offerings (lots available).
You need to find yourself and renew. This is a lifelong process which takes an ongoing commitment. Do you what you can w/o judgment / self-criticism.
You need to create 'win-wins' ... taking a step at a time. Find yourself again.
Gena / Touch Matters
She's not the same person anymore, it's never getting better, it'll probably get worse.. but to keep YOU from having a mental break down or getting into it with her, or having to withstand her abuse or verbal attacks etc., stop doing so much talking with her.
It sucks because we all want it to be like old times or want them to be the way they used to be..but this isn't that anymore & caring for them, dealing with their anger and bitterness and the way they talk to you are extremely stressful and what I learned in all of this is..I have to protect ME & do what helps me and is best for me.
I live with my 80 year old mom for now..moved back to help her & take care of her. We've argued like cats & dogs.
She's slipping into dementia & is in denial so everything she's lost, can't find, misplaced is your fault. You did it or she hates when I tell her something that she needs to do etc.
She's super negative combative & a complainer & if I.m in her room chatting a bit with her & she starts all of that.. I get up IMMEDIATELY & I am done talking. I have to cut it or it'll drag me to h£LL. I literally start feeling exhausted or angry so I have to get away from her!
So, protect yourself & cut the convo until you're in the mood for it!
We have to have strategies with this :-) LOL, to survive it.
I'm figuring things out & learning as I go! :->