TLDR; I’ve concluded that I have to go no contact with my emotionally abusive father. I've been caring for my mom with dementia. How can I still support my mom through her illness if I go no contact with my dad?
My father (76) can be so kind, but also very cruel. I'm fairly certain he has mental health issues from emotional and physical abuse he endured growing up, but through therapy, I've come to the realization that he has emotionally abused my mom, sibling (42), and me (40).
Two years ago, my mom was diagnosed with vascular dementia. Before we got an official diagnosis, I quit my job to care for her because my dad refused to retire and was planning to leave her home alone after she wandered away while he was at work. For the past two years, I’ve commuted 2 hours to their house Monday mornings, stayed the week, and commuted back 2 hours to my house on Friday evenings. During the week, I have done my best to keep my mom calm and entertained, cleaned, cooked, and taken her to doctor's appointments and grocery shopping. Meanwhile, when my father arrives from work, he gets angry that my mom is sundowning, voices his frustrations if dinner is not on the table as soon as he walks through the door, complains that the food is disgusting (even though I know I'm good cook), goes to their bedroom after he eats, and watches TV until he falls asleep. He pretty much ignores my mom -- his wife of 45 years who was completely devoted to him, doted on him, did all of the hard work when it came to raising my sibling and me, and always defended him against his many wrongs -- because in his words "she's crazy" and a "lost cause.”
I had an idea that she had dementia before she was officially diagnosed because both my maternal and paternal grandmothers had forms of dementia, and there were some similar symptoms. When I told him he should learn about the disease to help him understand what she’s going through, he rolled his eyes at me and told that she’s "behaving this way on purpose.” Other heinous things he has said to me: "Her wandering away again would be for the best" and "She chose to be a stay-at-home so she's not entitled to any of my money" (he has become infatuated with money and refuses to spend it, which has lead me to spend some of my savings on groceries for them and things for my mom).
My mom is by no means perfect, no one is, but even with her own familial trauma, she was devoted to my sibling and me and did the best she could with the little life experience she had. Her diagnosis has struck me hard. She is still here, but her bright smile, wicked sense of humor, and chiming laughter are gone.
About a year ago, between grieving my mom, dealing with the ups and downs of dementia, coping with my dad, trying to mediate their arguments, attempting to keep myself afloat, and watching my savings dwindle, I ended up severely depressed. After I admitted to a friend that I was having suicidal thoughts, she encouraged me to go to therapy.
It has been a journey, but my therapist helped me realize that my father is emotionally abusive. She’s helped me see the impact the abuse has had on every aspect of my life, and how, intentionally or not, he has used its effects to keep me caring for my mom.I feel like I’m coming out of stupor, but at the same time I still have so much work to do to keep making progress, and have come to the conclusion that I can’t keep moving forward without going no-contact with my dad. This is where I get stuck because I don't want to abandon my mom, but I can’t support her financially; can’t move her into my house because I live with a partner of 14 years and the relationship is shaky, and my sibling lives across the country and does not want to deal with the situation. Also, I don’t think she would ever willingly leave my dad.
I’m hoping others have had similar experiences and can provide guidance. Is it possible for me to go no contact with my dad while still offering support to my mom?
Thank you for reading.
I have to say, his ignorance about her staying home to care for his needs and yes, that is exactly what she did, as proven by his being mad because dinner isn't waiting on him and saying she is a lost cause because she now needs help, what a piece of work he is.
Call APS and report a vulnerable senior being left alone by her spouse, whom refuses to hire help and is unkind to her when he is home and let the state help get your mom removed from this sad situation.
Your dad, he can go pound sand and feed his own ugly self.
This will be hard for you, so prepare for the fallout, expect it and keep your eye on the goal of getting mom the care she needs and dad outta all your lives. She deserves half their money because she took care of him, period!
Whether or not your mother chose to be a stay-at-home mom her whole life really doesn't matter. In a way your father has a point. You and your sibling are pretty young. It's not like you were born in the 40's or 50's when it was socially unacceptable for a married woman with kids to be working outside the home. So really there was no excuse why your mother couldn't have gotten some kind of job when you two were to school. She didn't though and no one can turn back the clock and start over.
Your father will be in for a rude awakening because after 45 years of marriage, he will still be held financially responsible for her by law and she is legally entitled to HALF of everything he has. Remind him of this. Then tell him that he either starts forking over money for hired homecare, groceries, and whatever else is needed for her and the home or you will petition the court for conservatorship/guardianship over your demented mother. Let him know that you will also sue for divorce on your mother's behalf and HALF (or more depending on the judge) of everything he has will go to her. Then it will go to whatever care facility she gets put in. You don't pay for a damn thing more. You don't spend one cent of your own money on so much as a loaf of bread for their household. No more cooking meals for them. Bring your mother a meal to eat. No more cleaning, doctor's appointments, running errands, or anything else. Force your father to take some responsibility for his wife. He will if you make sure he knows that he can be held criminally liable for leaving her home alone, not feeding her, and refusing to get her any help. If he continues in his own asinine stubbornness let him know that one phone call to APS can make big trouble for him.
Good luck and please look into some memory care facilities ad talk to an elder law attorney and ask them to advise you.
Mom and Dad are, of course, a package deal, attached at the hip. So there is no way of caring for the one, and avoiding the other, is there?
I think you need to work this out with your therapist and together you should consider consulting APS for wellness assessment. They will need to interview your father to assure that mother will not be left on her own. If that cannot be done, and if your father is not cooperative your mother may have to become a ward of the state to be placed for her safety.
The only other solution I can see is mediation with your therapist, yourself and your father to come to some rules.
I would say that you would be at the house (if you are willing and have no family of your own) those hours that Dad is gone, and when he returns you leave. You do not prepare their meals; he does.
You have been all the solutions, so your father has been able to avoid your mother's dementia.
That isn't right and you now know and accept this.
They have the marriage they have had all their lives, one your mother accepted when well and likely accepts now she is ill.
Work with your therapist now that you are enlightened that this cannot go on.
She/he will help you to guidance of herself/himself or to Social Workers and APS to work on the real work of extricating yourself from your father's clutches.
Good luck. Hope you will update us.
Consider going low contact, not no contact.
I'd give Dad 2 weeks notice and tell him you have to get a paying job.
If you think it appropriate ask him if he wants you to find caregivers.
Visit Mom maybe once a month while Dad is at work.
I have been applying for jobs, but the market is tough right now. I've been honest with him about not having a job yet, but I think I'm just going to tell him I have found one and, as you suggested, visit my mom while he's at work.
Your mother was diagnosed two years ago with vascular dementia. Was your father part of this, that is, did he hear this from her doctor? Is she still under a doctor’s care? Does this doctor have a social worker, nurses, any resources for families?? or are these options available in their community?
ALL families suffer greatly when a member is diagnosed with dementia. I believe it is generally harder on the caretakers than it is on the person diagnosed.
Unfortunately, I think terrible strains like this can bring out the “fault lines” in marriages and your dad seems to be reacting quite poorly to his wife’s/ your mother’s situation. It’s bringing out the worst in him. And his sudden infatuation with money — red flag! Are you certain he doesn’t have any cognitive impairment himself?! Is there any other family — uncles, aunts, cousins? Who have observed any of this?
What if you said to you dad “this situation is beyond my ability to cope. Mom clearly needs more help than you or I can provide. She has dementia and WILL continue to get worse and need MORE care, no matter what you or I do. I am setting up an appointment with doctor’s office for another assessment and professional advice on where to go from here. I hope you will come because after date X (say a couple of weeks after the appointment) I will no longer be able to take care of mom and I believe she is a risk to herself and furthermore this situation seems to be taking a difficult toll on your happiness and mental health, as it would on any caretaker.”
Then if the dr says your mom needs round the clock care in the form of a caretaker at home or residential care — believe him. Ask him in front of dad “how can we make this happen?” Tell sibling and any aunts, uncles, cousins the same. Do you know anyone at his work? Does it have any resources for families in difficulties, like FMLA?
The answer is NOT you continuing to d hands-on, onsite care for mom.
If dad says he doesn’t believe Dr, tell Dr this later and ask advice. Considers calling APS and saying there is a vulnerable, demented adult and an elder neglect situation.
Also, your therapist says he is emotionally abusive. What does she say about next steps? And your ideas?
it seems like you are worried about your mom continuing to love you and remember you. I get that, but sending her greeting cards is not going to address the real problems here.
good luck!!!
Your father is not going to move on anything because you have been doing it all. Now it is time for you to rejoin your life and home. You have a very patient partner. It's time that you return home and take care of things in your own backyard. You want to get employed again. Let dad know that you can no longer help because you need to work! End the call so he won't put the press on you and push your guilt buttons.
Financially, you cannot continue this charade with your parents. Limit the amount of times to visit. Maybe once a month to maybe a couple of hours at the most. Once dad starts in with his nonsense, leave.
Since your father is still working, he can afford to hire a home health aide to come in for mom. Please let him take responsibility for his wife.
The father thinks everything the mother needs will be provided for free by the OP. It won't. It will probably come down to getting conservatorship/guardianship over the mother, putting her into care, and forcing the father to shell out for it.
You're right that I have to look out for myself because no one else will. My therapist tries to drill this into my head because I am a people pleaser and will always put others before myself -- even when I don't want to.
I'm sorry you had to deal with cruel sibling and had to go through the pain of distancing yourself from them.
I would call APS and report everything so that there is a paper trail, and so that they will have your mom on their radar.
((((HUGS)))) It's such a difficult place to be in.
I am so sorry, this is really horrible, I wish I had better words for you and some advice.
All I can see that you can do is not go, and call APS.
He is home with her on the weekends, but will often call me to complain about her. I told him several months back that I would no longer be taking his calls on the weekend because it doesn't provide me a break and he needs to learn to care for her. I started to cry because I was frustrated by the situation and he never calls my sibling to vent. There was a moment where he seemed to soften, but then he remembered he's a jerk and said "we'll talk after you've calmed down" and hung up the phone.
I'm afraid to call APS. Do you have experience with going that route that you could share with me? I ask because I was talking to a friend about getting the legal system involved and she said that an attorney once told her calling protective services is the end of the line option. But, maybe that's where I'm at.
Your mother is your father’s responsibility . So long as you keep doing everything , your father will not look for another solution . Also if you keep doing this your shaky relationship will break apart totally.
You will need to decide if you will keep doing this or step back for your own financial and mental health .
IMO , You need to tell Dad you need to go back to work , you need to make money to sustain yourself .
Sorry, I didn't make it clear: I would not continue doing what I'm currently doing. I would stop coming and stop communication with my dad. I'm trying to figure out if there is anything I can do legally to help my mom and also figure out ways that I can still stay in touch with her so she knows I'm here for her, though at some point I know she won't remember me anymore. I figure I can call her while he's at work and maybe drive up once a week to take her to breakfast or lunch. Maybe send her cards in the mail. It's hard because I feel like I'm letting her down.
I tried to bring in a caregiver about a year ago, but they both refused the help. I can understand my mom because she doesn't know what is going on, but my dad's reluctance is baffling.