I think my 84 year old mother is possibly being scammed by some 50 year old gardners. I don't know what they are up to but I see red flags. They are way to involved in her life and they are all she talks about besides her tv shows. Unfortunately my mother is in love with one of them so she only gets defensive if I question their motives at all. Part of me wants to help and part of me is ready to let her get what's coming to her. So back story growing up I had a narcissistic mother (I realize that word is thrown around a lot but I have been to therapy and the therapist labeled her that) She is perpetually an immature teenager who looked the other way and allowed our father to abuse us kids horrifically. She lived in denial defending him until I left home at 16. She stayed married to him for years after that due to finances and not wanting to work, then she moved on to remarry twice after that. Her life has always centered around men taking care of her. I went no contact for most of my adult years. Anytime I tried to let her back in, she would do something atrocious and back to no contact I'd go. When I had my own child, I tried to find compassion and forgiveness. After my father died, I thought she would be safer to be around although I never left my child alone with her. Fast forward, she is now in her 80's. She makes no effort to visit us even though we don't live far away. She is invited to birthdays and holidays but always has an excuse. Doesn't feel well (but refuses to go to the dr) her cats will miss her... on and on. Then she complains how she has no help.. she's all alone, always a victim. I have offered to help her move closer to us but she always has an excuse. I offer to help, but she acts like I'm incapable. She's always had to have a man around to help her. Then I found out she has been having a physical relationship with the 50 year old landscaper of her 55+ living community. It started to make sense why she didn't want to leave the community where she has hardly any friends. The 50 year old guy is now in prison for dealing meth! She thinks it's no big deal. She talks to him almost every day in prison. Now the business partner in the landscaping has asked my mother out to dinner. He too is 50. When I questioned what she really knew about these men and why both men would be interested in dating a woman in her 80's she got extremely mad and hung up on me. Apparently to her it's not a legit concern, it's an insult. Even though she has absolutely no life, all she does is watch tv, will only go 3 blocks to the grocery store. Never walks or exercises, or does anything. When I talk to her she goes on and on about reality shows she watches. I'm sure those guys find her so interesting. She refuses to go to doctor and dentist appointments and has barely any teeth left. Yet she thinks she's so hot and so interesting that of course 50 year old guys are into her. She has hardly any friends and I am her only family. She has been a horrible mother and grandmother and I just want out her out of my life. She always chooses men over everything else and not good one's at that. I really only let her back into my life so my son would have a grandma, but he is 10 and hasn't seen her in 3 years. I'm ready to give up. She will never change. Oh and when I simply said I was "worried" about these guys intentions she went full force narcissist attacking me and avoiding the subject. I think I just answered my own question writing this. I don't want to take her abuse anymore. Thank you for listening.
She was full blown "NPD". Very verbally abusive.
I went no contact for 4 years, went back, then 9 years went back, finally 14 years ago I went no contact for life. She died in April she was 100. No one except my brother spoke to her, the rest of the family went no contact 40 years ago.
Me, I finally learned my lesson, she was never going to change, it came down to her or me, I chose me.
That is a choice only you can make all I can say is don't let her destroy your life.
I wish you the very best!
So by all means cut your losses and get on with living and enjoying your life, as you deserve better. And let the chips fall where they may for your mother.
I wonder what the gardeners "see" in your mother, with bad teeth and what sounds to me like a case of dementia?
Oh my goodness about your MIL. What a ridiculous woman indeed. It really burns me sometimes when people like this have money while others like myself have to scratch and claw for every penny.
You know what these gardeners see in the OP's mother. They see the almighty dollar $ign. They pay attention to and flatter an old, lonely, narcissistic woman and are getting paid handsomely to do so.
The mother ought to forget about these gardeners and hire herself a good, honest gigolo. They give the set price up front.
Your son does not need a grandparent to be happy. Especially your Mom because I don't think she can give love. I had none on Moms side and Dads side really didn't have much to do with us. Grandmother had her favorite grandson and Grandfather had his favorite grand- daughter. It never effected any of us. It was what it was.
Get rid of the guilt and obligation. You owe this woman nothing. Get angry, she allowed your Dad to abuse her children. You owe her nothing. Allow these men to take what they can. Call APS but make sure they know your a child of abuse and that you will not care for her or support her. This way its on record you called and did not abandon her. The most important person in your life is your son. He is #1.
Protect yourself. Since she placed her male companions first and let you be abused by her husband, by all means, feel free to leave her on read.
Even though parents have been horrible to us, we still care about their wellbeing even though they don't give two cents about their kids and the pain they are causing.
Self-centered people usually find out the hard way. It's a shame that your mother has gotten this old and is self deluding herself that she is still attractive.
Call APS and report financial abuse of an elderly person. Give them the details what you've given us here. I don't know if APS will do anything about this since your mother is still considered competent. This action should be taken when worst becomes the worst.