Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
This would be a good question for you to discuss with your faith-based Pastor. Belief doesn't impact suffering. This is, of course, a philosophical question that's as age-old as, I would imagine, our sitting in our caves round the camp fires. Surely you did not think that merely having faith in a God would prevent suffering? Do contact your clergy for help in coming to peace with this difficult question. As an atheist, who hasn't had to suffer the belief that suffering could be prevented or helped by a god, I haven't had to face the questions of why all living things suffer. But I assure, all living things DO suffer. All living things, from a virus to a human are born, struggle to get breeding rights and territory, and die. It's simply the nature of things.
Putting aside a philosophical question that, to my knowledge has never been answered, may help you deal with the realities of what disease does to us, and what changes a disease makes in the best, brightest and strongest of us--changes both physical and mental. Spend as little time as you can in anger at either gods of the universe. You won't have the energy for that.
I wish you the best, and I am so sorry. I always laugh at the phrase, "thoughts and prayers", but even this atheist sees the sense of meditating on Reinhold Niebuhr's beautiful Serenity Prayer. I wish you serenity, courage and wisdom.
Your father is STILL a faithful Christian. Repeat that to yourself. If that was who he was before dementia - that didn't change because he got it. You cannot compare who he was to who he is.
Dementia is evil. It quite literally ROBS a person of their personality, memory, executive functioning, ability to process. You have to remind yourself that HE had no more control over what is happening to him than you do.
Think about it like this...you wake up one morning and you can't remember who your spouse is, or your child. Or you can't remember how to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom - so you sit there in a panic and urinate all over yourself. Or you can't remember how to turn the tv on or operate a phone. Or how to use the microwave or stove.
And worse than that - you don't understand why any of this is happening - because you have moments where you feel perfectly fine. And now you feel so angry all of the time, and helpless, and out of control. And oh by the way...since you can't seem to remember what is happening - someone else (that you likely care about and love and feels the same about you)...they are going to start making decisions for you and telling you what you are going to do.
And all of this after years of being self-sufficient and standing on your own and taking pride in who you are. Suddenly you don't even seem to get a say in your own life and can't remember things people say.
It must be very much like living in the light for years...and then suddenly you wake up and its dark...like really dark. And sometimes your eyes can adjust a little, but you still can't see where you are or where you are going. And every once in a while, the door might open, and you might see some light...but just as fast as you can see it...it's gone again.
Frankly it must be terrifying. And sometimes you know that people are just trying to help...and sometimes you want to smack the crap out of them and tell them to leave you alone and let you have your life back. And sometimes you KNOW something is wrong with you. And sometimes you think they are just trying to control you.
I know your dad is being cruel - and I'm sure that is such a shock when that wasn't who he was before dementia. But he literally cannot help what is happening to him. And it's not personal, even though it feels that way. You are in his path and likely trying to help - and that just makes it harder for him because he can't do what he did before.
For my grandmother - it was a merry go round. Some days she was sweet, and lucid. Other days she accused us of trying to kill her.
It's not easy. But you have to tell yourself - THIS isn't who my father is. Dementia has robbed him.
HOWEVER, if he becomes violent - there are medications that he can be given. Agitation is a big thing with dementia. And things tend to get worse as the sun goes down.
Take care of yourself. But I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about his soul.
I'm sorry for what you're getting ready to go through, but Christianity or any religion has nothing to with it so leave that at the damn door. All those thoughts and prayers go unheard, believe me, I've cried out more than once and no savior came down to deliver me from this living hell.
There is no understanding dementia in any form; it is the disease that keeps on taking.
It is the disease that is cruel and not your father.
Cruelty is part of the disease; it is not subjective. Imagine the confusion inside your father's mind because the words don't come out the way they used to resulting in anger. He truly knows not what he does.
If your father is physically abusive, it may be time to consider putting him in a home. This is a progressive disease and his behavior will only get worse. Even then, your commitment will constantly be tested. Do not let it discourage you. You, too, are human.
NeverABreak, God ALWAYS answers our prayers, though it may not always be the answer that we're wanting, but it is ALWAYS His will being done. And we as Christians do not always understand God's ways, but we are to trust Him through it all. Your user name says a lot, and tells me that you are more than likely burned out and overwhelmed in your caregiving situation, so my prayer for you today is that God will show up in an unexpected way to give you some relief and put a smile back on your face. May God bless you and keep you.
Dementia is a disease of a brain non-functioning, nothing to do with being a Christian, so your post is a bit confusing to me.
If he hits you something needs to be done, there are meds that can help him.
There are many church run facilities for those with dementia, he will be among his peers, safe and cared for. One does not need a front roll seat to care for another.
Hi. I read the other responses and they offer some great advice and encouragement. My Mom is a retired Pastor with Parkinson's and Parkinson's Dementia. Some moments are good and others are really hard to deal with. I used to say some days but now I have to take everything moment by moment. When Mom is herself, I take it in and treasure it. Sometimes I take pictures too. When dementia is affecting her and she is not herself, I deal with it the best I can and sometimes that may mean walking away to not get so overwhelmed and stressed. I wonder sometimes too why she has to go through this but resolve to keep going and hanging in there with her because she would do the same for me and she has over the years when I was sick and in the hospital myself. It's hard. Just want to say that I hear you and you're not alone. We're in the same boat riding this wave of illness together. Sometimes it even feels like I'm on a rollercoaster I never ask to get on. And believe me, I do not like rides! I go to the fair for the food! So I'm riding this wave and rollercoaster with you. Hang on and hang in there. You're not alone.
If your Dad hits you, you need to tell his doctor and I hope its a Neurologist. There are medications. Your Dad could have frontal lobe Dementia. It affects his emotions that is why the personality change. They can become very aggressive. He could hurt you, they become very strong. If medication does not help, you need to consider placing him.
You posted this under dementia and Alzheimer's. The way you understand all this is to educate yourself on these conditions. You will then understand that this isn't your father speaking, but the disease which is robbing him of who he is.
I’m learning so much about t he disease and t he process. What’s harder to understand and process is I know what scripture says about believers. Dad was a pastor and led us to the LORD. Was kind and loving. I do believe God does not hold against him the actions because of the disease but the sealing of, being a comforter, and walking with us/them through darkness-this is dad’s spirit already in the presence of the LORD and this is just a shell. I know it’s the disease and I do try to separate the two but I am struggling with being getting angry with him when he cusses or hits me when I’m being kind or trying to serve or dress him. He will be kind to a stranger or doctor or hired caregivers so it seems like he does have some control when he seemingly is cruel to his two sons and not his two daughters. Thanks for just letting me get this out of my head for the moment.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't explain this disease. My mother had vascular dementia but was also being treated for Alzheimer's. She was a prayerful woman her entire life, devoting part of each day to prayer. But as the disease progressed, and sometimes in response to her own feelings of helplessness, she lashed out at her children. She was particularly cruel to my sister, who was responsible for most of her care. Now that my husband has Alzheimer's, when things get difficult, my mantra is "It's not him, it's just the disease." Maybe that would help you with your dad. Good luck, and God bless.
I’m not religious and this book was written by a rabbi, but it’s all about why would God allow such a terrible thing to happen. In his case, his 3-year-old son got a terrible degenerative disease and only lived about another 10 years. How could suffering and early death be part of God’s plan for a 3-year-old?
Anyway, it’s called When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harald Kushner.
Or you could try Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl. He survived imprisonment in a Nazi concentration camp.
Or maybe ask your own pastor. When my MIL was dying, the one person she asked to see again (besides family) was her pastor but he had dementia and wouldn’t have remembered who she was.
Great suggestions. I recommend the 800 number for the Alzheimer's organization. I've called them twice to help me. Both times the person I spoked to helped me a lot. Perhaps they may be able to help the OP.
I have found this quote to be true in my own journey with my Mom as she suffers from dementia. My Dad taught me how to die and be ready to be with God. My Mom’s journey has made me a better imitation of Christ, although I fought with God for a long time about it.
“It is not by sidestepping or fleeing from suffering that we are healed, but rather by our capacity for accepting it, maturing through it and finding meaning through union with Christ, who suffered with infinite love.” ― Pope Benedict XVI, Saved in Hope: Spe Salvi
You understand that your dads brain is now permanently broken and he no longer is in control of what he says or does. And God knows your dads true heart and soul and loves him as much today with his broken brain as He did before he developed dementia. We as Christians are not meant to understand everything this side of heaven, but we must trust that God is still on His throne and is still in control. Perhaps educating yourself more about this horrific disease will help you better understand what is going on with your dad, so you won't take things so personally. It certainly can't hurt. God bless you and keep you as you walk this very difficult journey with your dad.
Your dad has a disease not of his own doing, and not within his control. The disease alters personality, often in ways that makes a kind, loving person unrecognizably cruel. Believe me, your dad wouldn’t recognize himself and would be embarrassed by his behavior. I used to listen to by dear Christian aunt after her Alzheimer’s advanced and quietly think how embarrassed and shocked she’d be at the things coming from her mouth. It’s no one’s fault, if he lives long, the cruelty may be replaced by silence. Limit your exposure to the cruelty, no one deserves to listen to much of it. Remember the dad you were blessed to have, and practice self care. I wish you both peace
He has a disease. I'm very sorry, this must be so upsetting. BUT try to regard it as any other disease. If he had cancer, you'd understand that he can't stop the changes that take place with that disease, such as becoming tired, unable to walk, etc. And cancer causes personality changes too, sometimes.
It's hard not to look through the lens of your religion, but changes in us due to disease have nothing to do with Christianity or any other religion. As my Bible teacher friend used to say, "God makes us and turns us loose. He doesn't bring the bad things upon us."
are you asking as a Christian how you spiritually process with God this cruel turn?
the biological answer, which I’m guessing not your question?, is that Dementia is caused by damage to brain cells, which disrupts communication between different parts of the brain. Depending on which areas of the brain are affected, a person’s personality, mood, and behavior can change significantly. he is has no control over what his brain is doing.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
As an atheist, who hasn't had to suffer the belief that suffering could be prevented or helped by a god, I haven't had to face the questions of why all living things suffer. But I assure, all living things DO suffer. All living things, from a virus to a human are born, struggle to get breeding rights and territory, and die. It's simply the nature of things.
Putting aside a philosophical question that, to my knowledge has never been answered, may help you deal with the realities of what disease does to us, and what changes a disease makes in the best, brightest and strongest of us--changes both physical and mental. Spend as little time as you can in anger at either gods of the universe. You won't have the energy for that.
I wish you the best, and I am so sorry. I always laugh at the phrase, "thoughts and prayers", but even this atheist sees the sense of meditating on Reinhold Niebuhr's beautiful Serenity Prayer. I wish you serenity, courage and wisdom.
Dementia is evil. It quite literally ROBS a person of their personality, memory, executive functioning, ability to process. You have to remind yourself that HE had no more control over what is happening to him than you do.
Think about it like this...you wake up one morning and you can't remember who your spouse is, or your child. Or you can't remember how to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom - so you sit there in a panic and urinate all over yourself. Or you can't remember how to turn the tv on or operate a phone. Or how to use the microwave or stove.
And worse than that - you don't understand why any of this is happening - because you have moments where you feel perfectly fine. And now you feel so angry all of the time, and helpless, and out of control. And oh by the way...since you can't seem to remember what is happening - someone else (that you likely care about and love and feels the same about you)...they are going to start making decisions for you and telling you what you are going to do.
And all of this after years of being self-sufficient and standing on your own and taking pride in who you are. Suddenly you don't even seem to get a say in your own life and can't remember things people say.
It must be very much like living in the light for years...and then suddenly you wake up and its dark...like really dark. And sometimes your eyes can adjust a little, but you still can't see where you are or where you are going. And every once in a while, the door might open, and you might see some light...but just as fast as you can see it...it's gone again.
Frankly it must be terrifying. And sometimes you know that people are just trying to help...and sometimes you want to smack the crap out of them and tell them to leave you alone and let you have your life back. And sometimes you KNOW something is wrong with you. And sometimes you think they are just trying to control you.
I know your dad is being cruel - and I'm sure that is such a shock when that wasn't who he was before dementia. But he literally cannot help what is happening to him. And it's not personal, even though it feels that way. You are in his path and likely trying to help - and that just makes it harder for him because he can't do what he did before.
For my grandmother - it was a merry go round. Some days she was sweet, and lucid. Other days she accused us of trying to kill her.
It's not easy. But you have to tell yourself - THIS isn't who my father is. Dementia has robbed him.
HOWEVER, if he becomes violent - there are medications that he can be given. Agitation is a big thing with dementia. And things tend to get worse as the sun goes down.
Take care of yourself. But I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about his soul.
There is no understanding dementia in any form; it is the disease that keeps on taking.
It is the disease that is cruel and not your father.
Cruelty is part of the disease; it is not subjective. Imagine the confusion inside your father's mind because the words don't come out the way they used to resulting in anger. He truly knows not what he does.
If your father is physically abusive, it may be time to consider putting him in a home. This is a progressive disease and his behavior will only get worse. Even then, your commitment will constantly be tested. Do not let it discourage you. You, too, are human.
Welcome to the ranks 🤕 Psalm 23:4
Your user name says a lot, and tells me that you are more than likely burned out and overwhelmed in your caregiving situation, so my prayer for you today is that God will show up in an unexpected way to give you some relief and put a smile back on your face.
May God bless you and keep you.
If he hits you something needs to be done, there are meds that can help him.
There are many church run facilities for those with dementia, he will be among his peers, safe and cared for. One does not need a front roll seat to care for another.
The way you understand all this is to educate yourself on these conditions.
You will then understand that this isn't your father speaking, but the disease which is robbing him of who he is.
I am so sorry for the pain.
he disease and t
he process. What’s harder to understand and process is I know what scripture says about believers. Dad was a pastor and led us to the LORD. Was kind and loving. I do believe God does not hold against him the actions because of the disease but the sealing of, being a comforter, and walking with us/them through darkness-this is dad’s spirit already in the presence of the LORD and this is just a shell. I know it’s the disease and I do try to separate the two but I am struggling with being getting angry with him when he cusses or hits me when I’m being kind or trying to serve or dress him. He will be kind to a stranger or doctor or hired caregivers so it seems like he does have some control when he seemingly is cruel to his two sons and not his two daughters. Thanks for just letting me get this out of my head for the moment.
There are medications he can be placed on to lessen his agitation. To make him calmer and less anxiety-ridden.
His doctor should be made aware of his behavior ASAP.
Anyway, it’s called When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harald Kushner.
Or you could try Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl. He survived imprisonment in a Nazi concentration camp.
Or maybe ask your own pastor. When my MIL was dying, the one person she asked to see again (besides family) was her pastor but he had dementia and wouldn’t have remembered who she was.
good luck.
“It is not by sidestepping or fleeing from suffering that we are healed, but rather by our capacity for accepting it, maturing through it and finding meaning through union with Christ, who suffered with infinite love.”
― Pope Benedict XVI, Saved in Hope: Spe Salvi
And God knows your dads true heart and soul and loves him as much today with his broken brain as He did before he developed dementia.
We as Christians are not meant to understand everything this side of heaven, but we must trust that God is still on His throne and is still in control.
Perhaps educating yourself more about this horrific disease will help you better understand what is going on with your dad, so you won't take things so personally. It certainly can't hurt.
God bless you and keep you as you walk this very difficult journey with your dad.
It's hard not to look through the lens of your religion, but changes in us due to disease have nothing to do with Christianity or any other religion. As my Bible teacher friend used to say, "God makes us and turns us loose. He doesn't bring the bad things upon us."
Your dad can't help who he is now.
are you asking as a Christian how you spiritually process with God this cruel turn?
the biological answer, which I’m guessing not your question?, is that Dementia is caused by damage to brain cells, which disrupts communication between different parts of the brain. Depending on which areas of the brain are affected, a person’s personality, mood, and behavior can change significantly. he is has no control over what his brain is doing.