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He has a disease. I'm very sorry, this must be so upsetting. BUT try to regard it as any other disease. If he had cancer, you'd understand that he can't stop the changes that take place with that disease, such as becoming tired, unable to walk, etc. And cancer causes personality changes too, sometimes.
It's hard not to look through the lens of your religion, but changes in us due to disease have nothing to do with Christianity or any other religion. As my Bible teacher friend used to say, "God makes us and turns us loose. He doesn't bring the bad things upon us."
are you asking as a Christian how you spiritually process with God this cruel turn?
the biological answer, which I’m guessing not your question?, is that Dementia is caused by damage to brain cells, which disrupts communication between different parts of the brain. Depending on which areas of the brain are affected, a person’s personality, mood, and behavior can change significantly. he is has no control over what his brain is doing.
You understand that your dads brain is now permanently broken and he no longer is in control of what he says or does. And God knows your dads true heart and soul and loves him as much today with his broken brain as He did before he developed dementia. We as Christians are not meant to understand everything this side of heaven, but we must trust that God is still on His throne and is still in control. Perhaps educating yourself more about this horrific disease will help you better understand what is going on with your dad, so you won't take things so personally. It certainly can't hurt. God bless you and keep you as you walk this very difficult journey with your dad.
Your dad has a disease not of his own doing, and not within his control. The disease alters personality, often in ways that makes a kind, loving person unrecognizably cruel. Believe me, your dad wouldn’t recognize himself and would be embarrassed by his behavior. I used to listen to by dear Christian aunt after her Alzheimer’s advanced and quietly think how embarrassed and shocked she’d be at the things coming from her mouth. It’s no one’s fault, if he lives long, the cruelty may be replaced by silence. Limit your exposure to the cruelty, no one deserves to listen to much of it. Remember the dad you were blessed to have, and practice self care. I wish you both peace
I’m not religious and this book was written by a rabbi, but it’s all about why would God allow such a terrible thing to happen. In his case, his 3-year-old son got a terrible degenerative disease and only lived about another 10 years. How could suffering and early death be part of God’s plan for a 3-year-old?
Anyway, it’s called When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harald Kushner.
Or you could try Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl. He survived imprisonment in a Nazi concentration camp.
Or maybe ask your own pastor. When my MIL was dying, the one person she asked to see again (besides family) was her pastor but he had dementia and wouldn’t have remembered who she was.
Great suggestions. I recommend the 800 number for the Alzheimer's organization. I've called them twice to help me. Both times the person I spoked to helped me a lot. Perhaps they may be able to help the OP.
You posted this under dementia and Alzheimer's. The way you understand all this is to educate yourself on these conditions. You will then understand that this isn't your father speaking, but the disease which is robbing him of who he is.
I have found this quote to be true in my own journey with my Mom as she suffers from dementia. My Dad taught me how to die and be ready to be with God. My Mom’s journey has made me a better imitation of Christ, although I fought with God for a long time about it.
“It is not by sidestepping or fleeing from suffering that we are healed, but rather by our capacity for accepting it, maturing through it and finding meaning through union with Christ, who suffered with infinite love.” ― Pope Benedict XVI, Saved in Hope: Spe Salvi
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't explain this disease. My mother had vascular dementia but was also being treated for Alzheimer's. She was a prayerful woman her entire life, devoting part of each day to prayer. But as the disease progressed, and sometimes in response to her own feelings of helplessness, she lashed out at her children. She was particularly cruel to my sister, who was responsible for most of her care. Now that my husband has Alzheimer's, when things get difficult, my mantra is "It's not him, it's just the disease." Maybe that would help you with your dad. Good luck, and God bless.
If your Dad hits you, you need to tell his doctor and I hope its a Neurologist. There are medications. Your Dad could have frontal lobe Dementia. It affects his emotions that is why the personality change. They can become very aggressive. He could hurt you, they become very strong. If medication does not help, you need to consider placing him.
Your father is STILL a faithful Christian. Repeat that to yourself. If that was who he was before dementia - that didn't change because he got it. You cannot compare who he was to who he is.
Dementia is evil. It quite literally ROBS a person of their personality, memory, executive functioning, ability to process. You have to remind yourself that HE had no more control over what is happening to him than you do.
Think about it like this...you wake up one morning and you can't remember who your spouse is, or your child. Or you can't remember how to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom - so you sit there in a panic and urinate all over yourself. Or you can't remember how to turn the tv on or operate a phone. Or how to use the microwave or stove.
And worse than that - you don't understand why any of this is happening - because you have moments where you feel perfectly fine. And now you feel so angry all of the time, and helpless, and out of control. And oh by the way...since you can't seem to remember what is happening - someone else (that you likely care about and love and feels the same about you)...they are going to start making decisions for you and telling you what you are going to do.
And all of this after years of being self-sufficient and standing on your own and taking pride in who you are. Suddenly you don't even seem to get a say in your own life and can't remember things people say.
It must be very much like living in the light for years...and then suddenly you wake up and its dark...like really dark. And sometimes your eyes can adjust a little, but you still can't see where you are or where you are going. And every once in a while, the door might open, and you might see some light...but just as fast as you can see it...it's gone again.
Frankly it must be terrifying. And sometimes you know that people are just trying to help...and sometimes you want to smack the crap out of them and tell them to leave you alone and let you have your life back. And sometimes you KNOW something is wrong with you. And sometimes you think they are just trying to control you.
I know your dad is being cruel - and I'm sure that is such a shock when that wasn't who he was before dementia. But he literally cannot help what is happening to him. And it's not personal, even though it feels that way. You are in his path and likely trying to help - and that just makes it harder for him because he can't do what he did before.
For my grandmother - it was a merry go round. Some days she was sweet, and lucid. Other days she accused us of trying to kill her.
It's not easy. But you have to tell yourself - THIS isn't who my father is. Dementia has robbed him.
HOWEVER, if he becomes violent - there are medications that he can be given. Agitation is a big thing with dementia. And things tend to get worse as the sun goes down.
Take care of yourself. But I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about his soul.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It's hard not to look through the lens of your religion, but changes in us due to disease have nothing to do with Christianity or any other religion. As my Bible teacher friend used to say, "God makes us and turns us loose. He doesn't bring the bad things upon us."
Your dad can't help who he is now.
are you asking as a Christian how you spiritually process with God this cruel turn?
the biological answer, which I’m guessing not your question?, is that Dementia is caused by damage to brain cells, which disrupts communication between different parts of the brain. Depending on which areas of the brain are affected, a person’s personality, mood, and behavior can change significantly. he is has no control over what his brain is doing.
And God knows your dads true heart and soul and loves him as much today with his broken brain as He did before he developed dementia.
We as Christians are not meant to understand everything this side of heaven, but we must trust that God is still on His throne and is still in control.
Perhaps educating yourself more about this horrific disease will help you better understand what is going on with your dad, so you won't take things so personally. It certainly can't hurt.
God bless you and keep you as you walk this very difficult journey with your dad.
Anyway, it’s called When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harald Kushner.
Or you could try Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl. He survived imprisonment in a Nazi concentration camp.
Or maybe ask your own pastor. When my MIL was dying, the one person she asked to see again (besides family) was her pastor but he had dementia and wouldn’t have remembered who she was.
good luck.
The way you understand all this is to educate yourself on these conditions.
You will then understand that this isn't your father speaking, but the disease which is robbing him of who he is.
I am so sorry for the pain.
“It is not by sidestepping or fleeing from suffering that we are healed, but rather by our capacity for accepting it, maturing through it and finding meaning through union with Christ, who suffered with infinite love.”
― Pope Benedict XVI, Saved in Hope: Spe Salvi
Dementia is evil. It quite literally ROBS a person of their personality, memory, executive functioning, ability to process. You have to remind yourself that HE had no more control over what is happening to him than you do.
Think about it like this...you wake up one morning and you can't remember who your spouse is, or your child. Or you can't remember how to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom - so you sit there in a panic and urinate all over yourself. Or you can't remember how to turn the tv on or operate a phone. Or how to use the microwave or stove.
And worse than that - you don't understand why any of this is happening - because you have moments where you feel perfectly fine. And now you feel so angry all of the time, and helpless, and out of control. And oh by the way...since you can't seem to remember what is happening - someone else (that you likely care about and love and feels the same about you)...they are going to start making decisions for you and telling you what you are going to do.
And all of this after years of being self-sufficient and standing on your own and taking pride in who you are. Suddenly you don't even seem to get a say in your own life and can't remember things people say.
It must be very much like living in the light for years...and then suddenly you wake up and its dark...like really dark. And sometimes your eyes can adjust a little, but you still can't see where you are or where you are going. And every once in a while, the door might open, and you might see some light...but just as fast as you can see it...it's gone again.
Frankly it must be terrifying. And sometimes you know that people are just trying to help...and sometimes you want to smack the crap out of them and tell them to leave you alone and let you have your life back. And sometimes you KNOW something is wrong with you. And sometimes you think they are just trying to control you.
I know your dad is being cruel - and I'm sure that is such a shock when that wasn't who he was before dementia. But he literally cannot help what is happening to him. And it's not personal, even though it feels that way. You are in his path and likely trying to help - and that just makes it harder for him because he can't do what he did before.
For my grandmother - it was a merry go round. Some days she was sweet, and lucid. Other days she accused us of trying to kill her.
It's not easy. But you have to tell yourself - THIS isn't who my father is. Dementia has robbed him.
HOWEVER, if he becomes violent - there are medications that he can be given. Agitation is a big thing with dementia. And things tend to get worse as the sun goes down.
Take care of yourself. But I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about his soul.
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