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My mom has been in a nursing home for over 4 years. I feel we have "dumped" her there. While she needed time to recover from a hospital stay I feel she is ready to be in my home. My huband does not want her to live with us. Im also afraid because my mom needs help with everything. She is incontinemt, in s wheelchair 100%, and has dementia. It scares me that I'm just feeling guilty and not thinking clearly. That her needs are too great and for her to live with us would be a mistake. It is so painful to accept that my mom is in a nursing home. Any advices?

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Nora, I see from your profile that your Mom has Alzheimer's/Dementia. If you move your Mom into your home, are you ready to make your home be like a nursing home? Since your Mom is in a wheelchair, that would mean making all the doorways in your home larger to fit a wheelchair through. I have read on these forums here where some made their dining room or living room into a nursing home room because their Mom or Dad needed 24 hour watching.

It also means if she is wheelchair bound, that you or your husband would need to carry her to the bathroom for daily showers since she is incontinent and help her with her showers which she might not want..... are you strong enough to do that on a daily basis? And to be able to change her Depends as she lays in bed? And be able to lift her to put her into a wheelchair?

Are you able to be a Caregiver 168 hours per week? You would be doing the job of three caregivers, who each work an 8-hour shift, who get to go home and have a good night sleep to be refreshed in the morning. Could you get by on just a couple hours of sleep per night?

Could you do all the above for the next 5 to 10 years? No more dinners out with hubby... or vacations. Unless you hire 3 full-time caregivers during the week, and 3 more full-time caregivers to work the weekends and hopefully holidays.

Think about it this way, do you want to be her "daughter", or do you want to be her "Caregiver"... it is very difficult to be both.
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You ARE feeling guilty, but you should not be. She needs 24/7 care that no one person is capable of doing. Throw the guilt away. Your husband is being honest and upfront with you and you took a vow many years ago to leave your parents and the two shall become one. Break the vow and you may lose the man. Visit mom weekly and you will be doing 99% more than most children do. I have often looked at the sign in book where my MIL lives. 80 residents and if there are ten signatures for a day it is a lot. Always the same ten people. That means 70 out of 80 are not visited much. You go there and she will show you off like the trophy you are. Nothing like bragging rights.
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If your husband does not want your mother living with you, then she should not live with you. You can visit her frequently in the nursing home, where they can take good care of her. The dementia, incontinence, and lack of mobility would make caring for her a 24/7 job. You would not have enough time left for yourself or the rest of your family. Your husband is a wise men, so please do listen to him.
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my Advice would be don't do it. If your husband dosent want this, it will probably end badly. Your WHOLE life will be consumed by mom. Everything you do every minute of every day WILL be consumed by your mother. That's not fair to your husband. He married you not you AND your mother. Don't want to sound harsh, but its the truth, It takes a toll on the happiest of couples . even those that both agreed, throw in the fact hes against it and its a disaster waiting to happen.
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More than your husband saying no, I think you stated the real heart of the matter at the very end of your paragraph saying, " It is so painful to accept that my mom is in a nursing home." Sounds to me like lack of acceptance that your mother needs to be there is driving the guilt about her being there and the desire to bring her home.

Have you and your husband discussed how much of a struggle it has been over these past four years to accept that your mother is where she needs to be? He might already be aware of it, but I think it would be good to talk about it. I believe he's accepted that is where she needs to be and is aware that the two of you cannot run your own nursing home as two people at home.

I would also suggest seeing a therapist about your struggle and pain over accepting that this is where your mother needs to be. Take care and keep in touch.
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My mom is in a NH, as is yours. They are there because it has been determined that THAT is the level of care they need. Our moms are not being dumped there, we visit, we keep track of their needs, we take them special things. If you have toxic people in your life who question this medically - based decision, either dump them or get yourself to therapy to learn how to deflect their idiocies.
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Your mom is accustomed to being there. Do not move her as moving often causes a rapid decline. As others have said, visit as often as you can, and relieve yourself of the guilt you are feeling.
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You are just feeling guilty and not thinking clearly. Bringing Mom into your home might ease your guilt, but it would cause a whole host of other bad feelings. The guilt is irrational -- you did not earn it. It would be a serious mistake to let it drive decisions.

Placing your Mom where she can be appropriately cared for is not a guilty action. "Dumping" her somewhere is. Why don't you use some of the energy and time you would devote to her if she were in your home to devoting to her in the NH? How far from you is the nursing home? Would it be practical to visit several times a week? Short visits are OK. Keep an eye on the level of care she is getting. Make friends with her regular nurse and caregivers. Eat meals with her occasionally. Bring in scrapbooks to look at with her. My mother is in a nursing home, but I certainly didn't "dump" her there. If you are feeling like you did dump your mom and there is some basis in fact for that feeling, then remedy that by paying her more attention where she is. If you are already doing that, then, please, force those guilt feelings out of the decision process.
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Please listen to the good voices of experience here. Do not move your mother in with you. It sounds like like your mother is at the stage where she needs a level of care that just can't be provided in most homes. My mother moved in with us a few years ago. She is relatively healthy for 87 (though not according to her) and fairly self-sufficient. My husband supported my choice to do this. I think that part of me thought that we would develop a closer, 'friends' relationship and be able to spend quality time together (picture us laughing in the kitchen as we cook, or some such ideal). That is not the case. She is in bad spirits most of the time, constantly critical of me, though my husband is a perfect and can do no wrong. Whatever you are looking for in moving her in probably just won't happen. Spend quality time at the NH with her when you can, then go home. It is an emotional separation that you need to build.
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DO NOT DO IT, You say your mother has dementia and clearly a hospt of other things. Right now she may be sweet and smiling but imagine she gets to a stage of demanding constant attention, critisizing everything you try to do, screaming when you try and move her, sleeping all day and awake all night banging on the bed rails, putting her hands in the depends and smearing poop everywhere. Your whole house will smell like a cow barn. o you get the picture? I say cow barn rather than horse barn because I love the smell of those. I can stand there all day breathing in the smell of horse, clean shavings and leather. your husband wants and needs a wife not some waorn out drudge who hasn't changed out of her pjs in days and forgot the last time she had her hair done. no fun. Don't expect mom would want that for you either. She is settled leave her be.
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