My mom has been living with my daughter for four years now. She is capable of doing anything within her age group of 84. She is tiny, fiesty and can be mean. She has had several surgeries because of pain.
The family is divided on if she really needs to have a guardian over her now. But those of us whom she does not live with have been told to go along with it or she can come live with us. We are not able to have her come live with us, but we do want what is best for her. She lives rent free, and does get fed. At times, her medication has been too much, as she is in so much pain.
My daughter talks to her as if she is a baby, which I don't appreciate. She did have a SLUME test, which she failed 16/31, but no other assessments have been completed. She has my daughter or son-in-law standing over her at all her appointments because they don't trust what she says. I don't know what to do. The one sentence the neurologist said was he fells she is "moderate Alzheimer's with dementia," but no other assessments have been done. She has a memory, as I tested it this past week and she remembers conversations and how to play games.
I need some advice. Do I go along with her giving up all her rights? She can walk, talk and take care of herself. She did get her license revoked this year. The hearing is next month, and I am not sure what to do.
I am afraid of retaliation and being blocked from my daughter and her family if I push this. I feel like I am caught in the middle. I know my daughter has sacrificed a lot, but she is the one that chose for my mom to live with her. It is a toxic relationship at times, but others are okay. We only see the "showing" part of the situation when we visit, we don't live 24/7 with them.
Hey, you know what? I've got a great idea...let's spend lots of time and money seeking court-ordered guardianship over grandma! Doesn't that sound fun?"
If she's contemplating seeking guardianship, I'm sure that someone in the know - a doctor, a lawyer, a therapist, a social worker, etc. - has spoken to her about it and recommended it. And it is usually as a last resort, not the first thing people who are caregiving for the elderly think to do unless and until their backs are completely and utterly against a wall.
If you're that uncomfortable with it, you can always take grandma in. She is either your mother, or your mother-in-law. You daughter and her husband are 1000% correct when they say to all of you "helpful" family members to, in essence, put up or shut up.
As Ann Landers used to put it - MYOB. If you are content to let your daughter do the heavy lifting here, you have no call to criticize how she does it, unless grandma is in serious danger, which doesn't appear to be the case here.
To me that means that the daughter should be POA and guardian of her.
Clearly she already has dementia, and should have a guardian.
I don't really see how, why or where you have a say in all of this unless you wish to wrest care away from the granddaughter and do it yourself or place her in care.
If you wish to fight this in court, given the daughter is giving her good care, I do believe you would lose, but if you wish to do so, do consider seeing an attorney.
Unless you yourself would like to step in and assume caring for your mother, or have her placed in Memory Care Assisted Living, I suggest you count your blessings your daughter is willing to take this huge burden on. And it's quite a burden.
Fyi, you can NEVER fully trust what a demented elder tells you about anything, especially pertaining to a doctors appointment. It's 100% necessary for a POA or advocate to accompany the elder to all the appointments to get the facts straight. We're you TO live 24/7 With your mother you'd really see what dementia was all about, and what your daughter truly puts up with on a daily basis. Being able to play games and dress herself means nothing much with the loss of executive brain function. She requires 24/7 care and supervision now, as my own mother did with dementia.
This should not be a family decision unless the "family" is equally contributing to moms care. Your daughter is the boots on the ground caregiver so she's the one in charge. Her and the doctor.
Does your daughter and son-in-law have that kind of money to spend on getting guardianship for her grandmother?
Now if you're talking POA instead of guardianship that's a whole other story as your mom would have to designate in front of a lawyer that she wants your daughter as her POA, and that costs only a few hundred dollars.
BUT...and this is a big but, the fact that your mom has dementia may prohibit your mom from being able to designate anyone at this point to be her POA, and guardianship may be the only route legally that can be done.
However the attorney will have a talk with your mom to see if they feel she is mentally sound enough to be able to designate someone as POA, and proceed from there.
Bottom line, someone has to step up I guess at this point to look after your mom in her now deteriorating mental health, and if your daughter is willing....God bless her, as she has a very hard road ahead.
Your daughter has her hands very full .
Further assessments may or may not be necessary for guardianship . Let the court decide .
In the meantime , all you need to know is that your Mom will only decline . If I was you I would go along with what your daughter is trying to do . Sounds like she’s trying to make sure your mother is cared for . You being “ in the middle “ makes it harder for your daughter .
You only see the showtiming on visits .
Don’t engage in your mother’s fantasy that she is independent , because she is not .
You are absolutely right that the grandmom is probably showtiming during visits. Women are more socially verbal and can fake their way thru chit-chat.
If the doctor has told the granddaughter that grandmom has dementia, then grandmom can't legally assign POA to someone. It has to be guardianship thru the court.
I agree with granddaughter that if relatives disagree with granddaughter's plan, the relatives can take grandmom into their home.
Caregiving is a difficult job at best. You are right that Mother should come for an extended visit and care-give. Then she will see what the situation really is, not the showtiming.
It may or may not be and ‘eye-opener’ for you, but it would be a way to build bridges with your daughter as well as to get a better idea of M’s difficulties. You probably know that behavior is nearly always worst with the people who are providing most of the help. A weekend may not be long enough to see the big picture, but it would be better than nothing!
If no one else can take care of your mother, why is everyone else weighing in on how your daughter and SIL provide care, as long as its not abusive? Unfortunately in caregiving, I have found that people that are the least involved with the actual hands on caregiving feel the need to offer their often uninformed opinion because they don't understand the realities so they offer what they *think* should be happening. Generally what this means is they offer the opinion from the perspective of the loved one - and what they say they want.
No one WANTS to have a guardian. No one really WANTS to go into facility care. But often when dementia and ALZ are involved, the principle no longer has a grasp of what they NEED. They can express that they don't WANT things. But they are very much like a young child, who does not understand that they NEED or HAVE to do things, and only look at their lives from a protected bubble of what they WANT. And they will fight or push boundaries if they don't get their way.
My FIL didn't WANT a lot of things. But there came a point that he wasn't competent enough to make good decisions for himself or ensure that he was safe. Thankfully a POA was already legally addressed.
If your daughter is willing to take this on - and you've already expressed that no one else is - I think your best bet - and that of the rest of your family - is to support your daughter in this endeavor.
It kind of goes along the same lines as "we are all perfect parents before we have children."
Unfortunately your mom still has cognitive powers, apart from the odd lapse. So it is ultimately her decision as to who controls her future. You have given enough examples of how she is still coping fairly well with life.
What you think is best for her may not be reality; you are not the one with responsibility for her 24/7. Sorry to be a bit blunt but you may not know half of what your daughter has to do for her. Perhaps you need to step back.
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