Follow
Share

I have a sister who sticks her nose in everyone's business. She and I had an argument and she stated that she would just call before she came.


I didn't ask at that point and the argument wasn't anything about that. So now I want her to call before she comes. It gives us peace of mind and I think I deserve the right to that in my own home. She doesn't like it anymore and is telling the rest of the family that I'm trying to stop her from visiting mom. Which is a lie.


No one believed her, but am I being too demanding?

FIRST OF ALL THE PEOPLE ARE TELL-YOU NO YOUR NOT BEING TO DEMANDING WHICH IS VERY TRUE ! IT IS VERY HARD TO TAKE CARE OF A LOVED ONE ANYWAY MAKE SURE THAT YOU HAVE POA WHICH IS POWER OF ATTORNEY MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE THE ONE IN CONTROL OF ALL HER AFFAIRS MEDICAL MEDICARE CARE GIVER YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU HAVE A FIDUCIARY AT THE SOCIAL SECURITY OFFICE FOR YOUR MOTHER !! ALSO IS SHE IS STILL SOUND OF MIND YOU NEED TO HAVE HER SIGN THE PAPER WORK IN FRONT OF A NOTORY OF PUBLIC THAT MAKES IT A LEGAL BINDING DOCUMENT!! ALSO IF YOU NEED TO GET A LAWYER I CAN TELL YOU HOW TO GET A GOOD ONE AND YOU WOULD SAVE ON ALL LAWYERS FEES PLUS YOU WILL BE COVER IN ALL 50 STATES AND CANADA ALSO ! I HAVE IT AND I HAD TO USE IT MANY TIMES BUT THE ONE TIME I NEEDED IT THE MOST OF ALL IS WHEN MY HUSBAND PASSED AWAY IN THE STATE OF NORTH CAROLINA I HAD TO HAVE ( 4 ) LAWYERS IN 4 STATES ALL AT THE SAME TIME SO TOU SEE IT CAME IN HANDY !! ANYWAY IT IS IN YOUR BEAT INTEREST AND YOUR MOTHERS AS WELL AS YOU LR FAMILIES TO HAVE THESE THINGS TAKEN CARE OF NOW RIGHT AWAY SO THAT YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO DEAL MUCH LATER IN WHEN IT GETS WORSE ANS BELIEVE ME IT WILL GET WORSE IT ALWAYS DOES ! I HATE TO TELL YOU THAT BUT IT WILL !! MAKE SURE THAT YOU ALSO HAVE HEALTH CARE DECRETIVE AT THE DOCTORS OFFICE AND HOSPITALS ALSO BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T HAVE IT AT THE HOSPITALS THEN ANYONE CAN COME IN AND SAY OR DO ANYTHING AND THEY WILL NOT DO WHAT YOU SAY IF YOU DON’T I WOULD MAJE AURE THAT IT STATES IT ALSO IN YOUR POA! KEEP ALL HER AFAIRS WITH YOU AND TAKE CARE OF THEM ALL THE BEST THAT YOU CAN MY DEAR KEEP RECORDS OF EVERY PENNY THAT YOU SPEND ON YOUR MOTHER AND KEEP GOOD RECORDS OF WHAT HER MONEY IS SPENT ON EACH MONTH AND YEARLY THIS WAY IF IT IS NEEDED THEN YOU HAVE EVERY SINGAL PENNY DOCUMENTED AND YOU HAVE PROTECTED HER AND YOUR SELF ! AND IF IT SHOULD GET WORSE THEN YOU HAVE A WAY TO PROVE WARE THINGS WENT AND WHAT HER MONEY WAS USED FOR IN A COURT OF LAW THAT F NEED BE I ONOW IT ISN’T FUN HAVING TO TWLL YOU ALL OF THIS BUT I PRAY THAT YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO EVER HAVE TO GO TO COURT FIR ANYTHING AT ALL BUT YOU NEVER ONOW WHAT THE OTHER PEOPLE ARE GOING TO DO OR NOT DO SISTER OR BROTHER IT DOESN'T MATTER IT IS ALL THE SAME WETHER IT IS FAMILY OR FRIENDS IT IS SAD THE WAY PEOPLE ACT WHEN ONE PERSON IS TAKING CARE OF THEIR MOTHER OR FATHER OR SISTER OR EVEN THEIR BROTHER IT IS ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS TO DO TO HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR PARENTS WHEN THEY GET OLD BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS ALSO A GIFT IN DISGUISE REALLY IT IS YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG BY ASKING ANYONE AT ALL TO CALL REALLY AS OTHER PEOPLE HAVE SAID IT IS VERY VERY HARD ON YOU AND YOUR OWN FAMILY! NO MATTER WHAT DONT BLAME YOUR SELF FOR TAKING GOOD CARE OF YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR FAMILY MAY GOS BLESS YOU ALL IF YOU DON’T MIND ME SAYING HAVE A LOVELY NIGHT OR DAY WARE YOU ARE TAKE CARE MAKE SURE YOU AT LEASE TELL YOUR MOTHER EVERYDAY THAT YOU LOVE HER
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to DavidPenny777
Report

I HAVE TRIED TO WRITE THIS TO YOU MORE THAN ONCE SO I WILL JUST SAY THIS TO YOU MAKE SURE THAT YOU HAVE POA POWER OF ATTORNEY FOR YOUR MOTHER ! I WOULD ALSO MAKE SURE THAT YOU TALK WITH A LAWYER ABOUT WRITING UP A DOCUMENT STATING THAT THERE ARE RULES AND THAT YOU FROM NOW ON WANT EVERYONE TO CALL YOU BEFORE THEY COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE FOR YOU MOMS BEST INTEREST AND YOUR FAMILIES BEAT INTEREST BECAUSE YOU DONT WANT TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THINGS THAT COME UP LATER ON BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU IT WILL GET WORSE I AM TELLING YOU IT WILL I HAD TO DEAL WITH IT FOR YEARS AND I WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE FOR MY DADDY NOT ONE OF MY SISTERS OR MY BABY BROTHER EVER CAME TO SEE OUR DAD AT ALL THEY DISNT EVEN CALL TO TALK WITH HIM WHAT SO EVER OR CALL ME TO SEE IF I WAS OKAY INFACT THEY WERE NOTHING BUT PURE EVIL WHILE HE WAS A LIVE AND EVEN IN HIS DETH THEY WERE WORSE ! NOW THEY WANT WHAT EVER HE HAD WHICH IN FACT HE DISNT HAVE ANYTHING AT ALL REALLY HE LIVED IN MY HOME WITH ME IT WAS VERY HARD FOR ME TO TAKE CARE IF HIM WITH NO HELP FROM ANYONE AND THE VA DIDN’T REALLY HELP ME AT HOME !
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to DavidPenny777
Report

You are l00% right to get a call from her BEFORE she shows up. You have to care for her and take care of you and your home Suggest a time that she should come and set boundaries - don't answer the door. Or, you could call and tell her xxx time would be a good time for a visit. Have her come when you suggest is a good time and let everyone know what you are doing.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Riley2166
Report

Absolutely not! Your house; your rules. Since you are her caregiver, I would consider the house schedule as well as your mom's routine. I think It's perfectly reasonable to have people call before they visit. As long as everyone has to call and not just a select few, it should work well.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Peanuts56
Report

You are not being too demanding. Certain things in your home have a routine that mom counts on, ie cup of tea while breakfast is prepared, then shower or washing up depending upon the day or her mood, dressing, meds etc. If your mom is anything like my MIL was she would be mortified if someone came to visit and SHE wasn't prepared for them (dressed, hair, makeup on) Having someone who shows up unannounced that just waltzes into YOUR home is not only rude and inconsiderate but also very disruptive to your day. Unfortunately your sister has the mind set that mom lives there so there are no rules of common courtesy for others. All you're asking for is a simple call or text a day before so you know what time they plan on visiting and if it's convenient for mom and you. No, tomorrow morning is not a good time, dr appointment, would later or the day after work? They have zero clue about what actually goes on and how much work, time and effort goes into the care of our LO. They are not interested in what you do for her on a daily basis as long as they don't have to. MIL stayed with SIL for a couple of weeks before moving in with us so we could get everything set up for her, finish a bathroom remodel that we had already started before things happened. She demanded 2 days notice of visits which was fine yet expected you to come immediately when summoned to "get her (Mil) out of here for a couple of hours so I can do xyz." Ok, no problem. MIL moves in with us, zero visits or help from SIL. SIL moves out of state, comes to town for 4 days for someone else's wedding. Shows up unannounced at my front door, walks right in without knocking. Worst part was she was staying with her stepdaughter about 3 blocks away from my home. Every morning for 4 days before 8 am walking in my home, I ignored it figured it was only a few days to deal, the kicker is why aren't you dressed yet, what did "she" feed you for breakfast, explained that it was shower day with CNA, then nurse visit that morning, oh, I guess that's ok then. Disrupted the normal routine, upset MIL because she was not ready for company, BIL saw her in pjs no makeup. Was rude and condescending to hospice nurse, are you sure her lungs are clear, I personally don't think they are, I find it intriguing that they are when they weren't at my house and I was told she would always retain fluids. Um ya, I had her on low sodium diet, she gave her frozen dinners or a can of soup for lunch, toaster waffles for breakfast, can you say more sodium than a healthy person should have. Left the in livingroom to visit while I went to clean bathroom, gather dirty laundry, strip and remake bed, take trash out (except for what was visiting), they came up there and she snapped what are YOU doing in here. Told her what I do every morning, cleaning up her bathroom and doing laundry, want to help. Um no I didn't come here to clean or do anything else. Thank god she only stayed a couple hours each day. Never offered to take mom anywhere or do anything special for her. Questioned everything I did, attempts at creating discord between DH and I. Yelled at me about "what pill did you just give my mother" Told her to ask her mom, wanted SIL to face the fact of MIL mental decline, she kept repeating potassium and ... potassium and.. . Screamed at me what did you give her. Her lasix, sat on my couch, tapping her bottom lip, repeating lasix, oh her water pill, I guess that's ok. WTF did she think I was doing? Set the boundaries in your home. If she has issues with you monitoring conversations is it because she's trying to get money from mom? Who has poa for mom? May be time to lock down finances ect. Good luck, dealing with mom is hard enough, let alone your family who would take advantage of her. Its exhausting.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Takincare
Report
Sandrawhocares Jan 17, 2020
No one is mom's POA.
Yes. We [a few family members ] do suspect that.
Because of her past of taking money out of mom's wallet for years.
Now all her finances are set under lock and key.
(1)
Report
Hell NO you are not being too demanding! Your life right now is focused on caring for a loved one. Hell YES you deserve a call. As a seasoned therapist I may be wrong BUT I bet that you have always been one who worries about what other's may feel or what they think.
Now it is time for your true friends, family and church friends to show their support. This means they ask what is best & easiest for you and the person you are caring for and put themselves last not even 2nd!
Toughen up, say what you feel/know is right and IF these people are truly good people they will understand! With Gods Love and my prayers I send you hope and strength during this painful time in your life! Dr Jack Grenan
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to DrJackGrenan
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Jan 15, 2020
Thanks, Dr. Jack! Good post.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Of course you can ask them to do so. Furthermore, if they ignore your request, don’t give in and accept that. Tell then if it’s a bad time, You’ll have to come back another time. Theses times may be better (your preference, ie Sat...) but please call first.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Nancymc
Report

My brothers never called before coming over. Sometimes they would call mom’s cell and act like I didn’t exists. They acted like it was mom’s house and I lived with her.

Mom acted like I lived with her. It was absurd. We paid for OUR home! My mom never gave us a penny to buy our home. It has long been paid for.

Oh, when did they visit? Once in a blue moon for a few minutes on the way to somewhere else or a few minutes on the way back from somewhere. It was never an intentional visit to see her. Oh, but they were her precious sons that she was thrilled to see.

For decades I always invited them for holiday dinners, BBQ’s, Sunday dinners, birthday celebrations, etc. They sat down at my table and spoke about how wonderful of a cook my mom was growing up!

Mom was a great cook but it was rude of them to ignore my efforts to make delicious meals. Never recognized my hard work cooking all of mom’s recipes and my own delicious recipes. Not to brag, but I can cook!

So, I fixed that! I was not going to deal with it anymore and stopped inviting them to holiday dinners. Mom tried to make me feel guilty about it. I told her that I felt great about it! I told her they could visit her without me cooking for them and treating them like kings.

What did younger brother do? Stop by at lunch time when he was broke to eat lunch with us. So ridiculous! I would feel sorry for him at times and give him food to go for his dinner and lunch for the next day at work.

He would come by again and said that the people at work would comment on how delicious his lunch looked and when they asked if HE cooked it he would tell them YES, HE COOKED IT and laughed about it. It would never occur to him to give credit to me, his sister. He thought that was cute. I ignored it and was always used to being the invisible one.

When did they ever invite us to their homes for dinner? Ah, let’s see. I can count on one hand how many. It never occurred to them that I could have used a break from cooking.

I could go on and on. Most of you know that I have crappy brothers! Just wanted to let the OP know that those of us with siblings certainly understand there are annoying occurrences that happen in our lives.

Joke is on my brother now, because he has mom after I said ENOUGH! They pushed me too far with their obnoxious behavior and criticism. Have I been invited to any dinners? Hell no! Because my brothers numbers are blocked on my phone. I know that I am not invited to anything with them and I am not interested in anything they have to say anymore.

Do I miss my family? Of course I do. But I don’t miss the aggravation! I wish with all my heart we had not had a dysfunctional relationship. I have no power to change their behavior.

God knows that I truly tried to be the voice of reason. Unfortunately, it fell on deaf ears.

Thanks to this wonderful forum, I received comfort and advice. I will be grateful forever. With all of you and a great therapist I have learned acceptance that some families won’t have healing. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is to leave others alone to live in peace.

If a person has a normal relationship with their siblings they should be welcome to see their mom at any time. It is polite for them to call ahead though.

I never prevented them from seeing mom even though they were jacka**es with me. Did mom care that they mistreated me? Oh gosh, that woman’s story would change depending on who she spoke with. She wasn’t loyal to me who took care of her. She flip flopped all over the place.

Sorry for the long rant.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Report
Sandrawhocares Jan 17, 2020
Im not sorry about the rant.
We are tender when it comes to family. But we should really be tough. Because family thinks they have the right to walk all over family and forgive and forget.
BUT we should treasure our family.
Thats the way it should be but some are in for themselves and could care less of our feelings.
Ive always had a tender heart but thank the Lord he is toughen me up.
I do forgive but I do not have to keep on taking abuse from the rude ones. I do not have to fellowship with them.
When mom hard her home everyone went to her house for holidays.
My home. I set down the rule. No holiday at my home.
If mom want to go over at your house the holiday. You can come get her.
So no one came to get her for 3 years and mom don't like leaving home. She told my sister she was happy here.
Bit mom does flip flop also in so many things. I can go on and on to.
I have holidays with mom and my two daughters. It's nice and peaceful.
It feels good to know I'm not alone.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
I think the problem here is that your sister probably feels you are restricting her access to your mom. I think a lot of us here would take issue with a sibling dictating when we can see our parents. The other part of the problem Is that your mom lives in your house. Bottom line—your house=your rules. I disagree that you should be prepared for visitors. That’s BS. It’s your house regardless of who you have living there. Since you’re mother lives with you, your sister doesn’t have the right to just come over whenever she wants. You don’t have to have an open door policy. Now reading your post and your replies, I have to say that you may be forgetting about your moms needs. Everything is about you and your plans. You seem to find excuses why it’s not a good time for your sister to visit. Is there any reason why your sister can’t come pick up your mom while you are doing things with your children? Can you not set aside time for your MOM to see her other daughter? Because that’s the third problem here. Intentional or not, you are restricted hour moms ability to see her family. Why does your mom have to miss our because you & your children/grandchildren come first? What about your mom?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to worriedinCali
Report
Sandrawhocares Jan 17, 2020
My mom won't go anywhere.
I have trouble with her even going to the Dr.
They have come and asked and asked mom to go places with them. She has refused.
Im not saying my sister can't come.
Ive never denied her access to mom. I just want it scheduled.
LIke at 10 pm and midnight is unacceptable. That's her norm.
Ive had an open door policy for 3 years.
Most of the time she came was to stick her nose in my business and tell me what to do to the point of demanding. Those days are over. I've had enough.
Ive walked on egg shells because of her. No more.
I have 3 sisters and 4 brothers.
None act like her.
Im done being tender to her .
Whow told others that she hated me. And that's the way she treated me. With hate.
Imy sorry. My mom can live without the drama.
Mom knows how she is.
Moms needs come first and for three years I did put up with it.
But I have to keep my sanity .
I have to keep my health.
Or I'm no good to mom.
Thanks for the advice.
(2)
Report
I take care of my mother. I set scheduled visits for my brother and uncle (mother's brother). They usually come together every week.

It was awkward at first (without the schedule) bcuz my brother would attempt to do the last minute deal. I could not always allow them to come as a result of it being last minute, and Mom may not have even been ready by the time they would get there, etc. etc.. I am self-employed and work mostly out of the home. If you can imagine juggling that? No time to play the guilt trips and all of that, while trying to effectively balance everything........ensure that Mom has what she needs, without killing myself in the process.

I considered it inappropriate to attempt to stretch to meet other people's expectations, especially when I am the only sibling (of three) that took on the responsibility of caring for our Mom. During a time like this, in order to remain emotionally healthy in the challenge, I have to set rules that work for all involved.......without leaving myself out to dry.

Now we have a set time every week, and I only get a text or phone call if they are NOT coming. This allows myself and whoever I have helping that day to maintain a schedule that is not negatively impacted by them showing up or not ( yes, these dudes were unpredictable, sometimes not showing up when they said they were coming, etc.). Nope! NOT HAVING IT. And don't feel one bit guilty!!!

Truth be told, Mom lives with me and my husband, our home. The mortgage is in our names........not my Mom's. So I take the right to say who will come by and when they will do it. I welcome everyone, however, our home is our little kingdom, and I am the Queen in it. Relative or no, any flack about how we interface in the home.......politely invited to not come.

With the agreed upon schedule, we have worked out a plan that is win-win. It is not healthy to allow anyone to impose on your space like that. It is already a tough thing to have to balance the care of your loved one along with the rest of your life. You will have to understand what you need to do the best that you can, and set the rules based on that. My other siblings did not take on the task that I have taken on in the care of our Mom. I pay for outside help. Since I am doing the work........I set the rules...........

Signed "Don't come if you don't like it" (Smile)
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to tCares6
Report

For me it always depended on who was dropping in. My sons, fine. My grandsons, great. My brother, also okay. I have no real issues with any of them. But neighbors, unless they just saw my mom on the porch and stopped in to say hello, I needed to know. And her friends and out of state relatives, of which there were few, also I needed to know. I might have been in the process of getting my mom into the bath or had finally convinced her of something important for her to understand after a long long long talk. Or, most likely, I might have been in my pajamas at noon still trying to get the day going. Now at assisted living they are set up to receive visitors at any time in the home and if my mom is up and able to come out to visit, great. It's your house. What is comfortable for you is what people should respect. Try to not let what your sister says about it bother you. Lock the door and don't answer if she hasn't called.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to ArtistDaughter
Report

Especially since you are involved in taking care of your mother, any potential visitors should call ahead of time. You need to determine whether or not it is a good time for a visitor.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to RedVanAnnie
Report

I think you are absolutely right in regard to the sister calling prior to visiting.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Llamalover47
Report

I’m likely to not even let my parents in if they come without calling first! I mean, come on...that is just rude.

So absolutely, they need not just call but also make sure it’s a good time for you AND mom. That’s just basic manners. The only time I’ve gone to anyone’s house without calling first is either for a surprise party or if I am just going to drop something off at the front door and let them know on my way home.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to KoreanDaughter
Report

No. It is not unreasonable to call ahead and make sure it is a good time to visit. Anyone should do that before they visit. Stick to your guns.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to TomUs225
Report

I understand, I am in the same position. I don’t mind people coming but I would like for them to call first and give us a little notice. We are not always dressed it is just easier for us when we stay in pjs. We don’t go anywhere or have company as a rule.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Nuttybuddy1
Report
Sandrawhocares Jan 14, 2020
Mom lives in her pj. Lol
The call ahead is for me.
I want peace and comfort.
My sister does not care it's my home.
She says where mom is , is free access. She can come when she wants. I said let's see how that works for you?
You can't make rules for my home.
I don't know what is wrong with her brain. No one else thinks it's OK to drop in at the drop of a hat.
It would be different if she came and did something to help make our life easier. But everything she does is for her. Thanks for the imput Nuttybuddy.
(1)
Report
You should set the boundaries for visitations @ your home. Let everyone know ahead of time of this request. When they call, make sure they are healthy, this is for your's & your mom's health as well. If they come unannounced, tell them to come in & help you give mom a bath, change linens, wash dishes, fix lunch, etc. before allowing them to visit. If they are trustworthy have them watch mom while you run an errand because you were getting ready to leave before they arrived. After the visit, remind them to call ahead next time so they won't catch you in the middle of plans that you had made. Maybe they''ll think twice before coming unannounced next time.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to ToniFromRVA
Report
Sandrawhocares Jan 14, 2020
TonI FromRVA
My sister is not trust worthy.
She does bring food sometime for mom but mom won't eat it.
Mom says don't tell her. I don't want to hurt her feelings.
I don't say anything to anyone cause most will talk about it and pass it on to her.
I don't want to hurt her either. She's my sister. I love her.
But I dislike her ways very much because she has no love or compassion for anyone but herself.
Thanks for the advice. Very helpful.
I do have a sister come in and bath her. She's great.
(1)
Report
Yes it’s ok to ask them to call first...but when they come, you leave & go get mani/pedi
then go out to movie &/or lunch! Don’t entertain anyone who comes into the house! No matter who it is...just leave! On the other hand, if you cannot trust her or think she’s up to no good, stick around... but no entertaining! Sis is the one who should bring food! Hugs 🤗
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to CaregiverL
Report

Yes Yes and YES! It's rude to plan a visit without consulting first.

No No and NO, you are not being too demanding.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to RayLinStephens
Report

Yes, I absolutely think you can ask someone to call before they come over, for everyone's benefit. Someone wouldn't want to come if you had taken your mom out for lunch, so it's as much for the visitor's benefit as for yours. If you're giving your mom a shower, for example, that will be your focus, not answering the door. We took care of my mom when she had Alzheimer's, and I wrote a book about it:"My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I mention the inconsistency with Alzheimer's. Some days my mom was fine, and others, not, so coming on a "good" day was more enjoyable for everyone.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to rlynn123
Report

I totally understand how you feel about visitors calling "before" they come. Even if they are family.
I to take care of my mother in my home and I'm having a issue with a family member that wants to come and visit. My mother has been with me for over a year. Not one time over the course of the year did she ever mention that she and her son wanted to visit. She "told" me they were planning on coming to see my mom. I told her it wasn't a good time because the weekend she was coming, we were moving! She didn't offer for her and her son to help us. What she did do was tell other family that "she doesn't know when they will be able to come and see her aunt"! I told her once we got settled in I would tell her and we could make plans for them to come. She lives 4 hours away.
She contracted me again about a month later about coming. Saying that her son really wants to see my mom. Now, if it's so important to him why doesn't he call her? And why hasn't tried to contact her AT ALL over the past year!? I once again had to tell her we weren't ready for company yet. She then told me, "your house doesn't have to be perfect. We don't care about that and we don't need a place to stay."
Iinstead of just accepting what I said she went and told a couple close family members that she thinks I just don't want them to come.
She is wrong for telling someone that and even more wrong about what she thinks. I don't get a whole lot of company and I would love for them to come. However, there is a much deeper reason why it's not a good time. We are trying to understand, accept and learn how to deal with our adult child that has moved back with us because he has been diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I'm not ready to share that with anyone right now. Until his more stable and his medication is working, it's honestly not a good time "for us" to have company. She didn't stop and think maybe there's a good reason why and accept what I said and wait for me to make the invite! Instead she's made a very unfair assumption and talked unkindly about me. Just because I'm caring for my mother in "my home" doesn't mean that you can just come anytime you want because she's your aunt!
I totally get wanting to visit your loved one and I would never prevent anyone from seeing her if it weren't for the seriousness of our situation.
I think people feel like because they are family and their loved one is elderly, they should automatically get a free pass. No one considers that you do have a life outside of being a caregiver and respect your right to privacy and common courtesy in "your home"! My mother is not ill and in her final days. If it's that important and urgent pick up the phone and call her! And, for what it's worth, my mom doesn't want company right now either! Schizophrenia is a very serious mental illness and even more hard to accept and deal with. The person is very unpredictable and can have moments of bizarre behavior. Because of what's happening to them, it's very real to them.
The bottom line is "your house, your rules"! I don't have to worry about people just dropping by because we don't have any relatives close to us. Thankfully! If I were in your situation, I would kindly explain that you would like things to go back to how they were because you appreciated her calling before coming. I don't think in your situation you have to justify why you want to know ahead of time either. It's just common courtesy. Being a caregiver is stressful. Until someone does what we do, they will never understand it.
I hope your sister will think about it and give you the respect your asking for.
Best wishes!
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to AprilJoy64
Report

Yes!!!!! Control the visits.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Majinf1
Report

Definitely check into getting DPOA/HCPOA. A good EC atty can determine if mom still has the ability to make some decisions and therefore can sign these documents. It doesn't give you "control" over mom, but does allow you to manage her finances, make certain decisions for her in her best interest, include you in medical care and treatment decisions. These allow you to help mom and protect her from nefarious people. Her assets should be used to cover the cost (it can be expensive, but it is worth it, esp if she has assets and those looking to take them.)

Since sister is into looking for more handouts, any assets mom has should be set up in a trust for her with you (and other trusted siblings if possible) as trustee. You could also consider signing up as rep payee for SS (again, this is to protect mom's income.) If so, call the local office, not the main SS number. They will set up an appointment, ask a lot of questions and submit your request. I was able to do this, without mom in tow and despite bringing documentation that I was managing her finances, etc, they didn't look at one piece of paper! If approved, her payments go to you as rep payee and you use a special account that only you can access, not mom or anyone else. It does require keeping track of how her SS income is spent and reporting it yearly, but can be done online.

These actions would prevent sister from getting any money from mom. This protects her income and assets from any financial abuse, both family and outsiders. A good EC atty can set these all up and guide you. If this is all done, you have NO obligation to share info with anyone, esp that sister. Generally most will give you a first initial consult for free. Write up all your questions and concerns before the consult and take notes. It might be best to attend this without mom, and during the follow up, s/he would question mom to determine if she can still sign/make some decisions about how to proceed. You might consult with the reasonable siblings to see what they think and ask if they would like to be involved. Their input could be helpful.

As for sister calling before a visit, no, that isn't too much to ask. Even when not caregiving, random drive by drop ins are not always welcome! Sometimes we all have a bad day/part of day/busy day and are not "up" to visitors. Requiring you to leave the room while she visits is a clear indication she is likely up to no good. If you can protect her assets, sister might give up visiting at all!
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to disgustedtoo
Report

No you are not being too demanding. I have set boundaries with family members. They have learned to respect this. I did not care if they got mad, because they chose and stated they would not to be here to help with anything. They were only concerned about money. I am the POA for my mom and Step Dad. Mom and Step Dad do not want anyone knowing their finances. So now noone comes snooping around or calling. Keeping people away also keeps my mom and Step Dad healthy. Example being Step Dads sone came over for a visit with pink eye once. I put Step Dad outside in the back when he had visitors. When son was in the house he was walking all over the place. Not his house and none of his business.i have gotten a lot stronger going through this for the last 5 years. This is a house not a hotel. If you are the POA, you have the power and the right to protect the person and their finances. People will learn to respect when you set boundaries. If they dont have good intentions, that is on them and why they may be getting upset.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Prosper
Report
Pasa18 Jan 14, 2020
You touched on a lot of good points. I wish I found this forum earlier so I would have been stronger about setting boundaries. Through a lot of grief, I've had to learn it's my role to be the bad guy if needed.

Mom had been vulnerable and needing company these past years. Of those that visited, some had good intentions while still self serving. Several treated her home as a hotel or storage. One adult relative came over and brought her laundry to do each time, another came over and seemed to only eat and nap afterwards, another came late in the evenings which contributed to mom's cognitive decline, another relative wanted to continue the family parties when it was clear that it overwhelmed mom. It seemed like whenever I filled my car with stuff to be donated, a neighbor would surveil the stash.
(1)
Report
Your home, your rules!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Shezza1
Report

Hospitals have set visiting hours. Maybe set up a set time for visitors, like Tuesday and Thursday 2-4 and stick to it. If you make it known to everyone, it will be obvious your sister is lying and you’ll know when they are coming. If they come at an off time if you are busy, they were warned and if you turn them away , I doubt they’ll do it again lol.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Jannner
Report
AT1234 Jan 14, 2020
That is exactly what judges do in guardianship cases. You set up a two hour window once a week. A 24 hour notice is required. They don’t announce they miss window, next week try again. It’s simple courtesy.

oh and count on her being a slow learner, stick to the rules. Everyone else will be relieved for you and mom and will happily comply. Then rest easy.
(3)
Report
Your request to have visitors call before they come is completely reasonable.

You and your sister might try to find a better way to move forward, since you both have a vested interest in caring for your mother.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Rabanette
Report
Jannner Jan 14, 2020
You can’t control anyone but yourself. Sounds like a lifelong habit, the sister probably doesn’t see any reason to change
(1)
Report
You are not being too demanding at all. This is best for everyone’s sake. Of course for yours; but it is also best for your mother in that if she is having a bad Alzheimer’s day, visits can just make that worse. And it is best for the visitor in that they do not have to spend the time making the trip if it will be a bad or counterproductive visit. This has been the standing “rule” for all visitors with my mother, who is in a care facility, for years. Anytime a visitor “schedules” a visit, they know it is tentative until the morning of the visit. I’m so sorry for the challenges you are facing. Dealing with chronic illness so often does not bring out the best in family members. As long as you are doing the caregiving you need to do what works best for you and your mother. Try to remember that what other people think and say has no bearing on the reality that you are living. You are an angel for doing this caregiving. Sending yo thoughts for strength and peace.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to MelissaPA2AZ
Report

Also maybe ask her to come some times for your convenience, if you need to run an errand or have some time for yourself. I echo the comment below to make sure that all paperwork is in order (POA for medical and financial), and that you understand her wishes for health care and end of life, etc. Speak with an attorney and possibly a social worker who can advise you on elder care programs, such as Medicare which has programs to subsidize home care by relatives and hospice care.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to NancyIS
Report

Yes,You most certainly can.It is your house and personally I think people should call before a visit.
Who knows what maybe going on.Your mom is sick your sick.

You have plans or you just don't feel like being bothered.I had the same dilemma when I took care of my mom and now my dad Thankfully,The only person who visits my dad is my aunt,and she lets me know when she's welcoming for a visit.

I never just show up at anybody's house.I always call first so I expect others to do the same.

You can say,Thank you so much for visiting my mom today but would you mind calling ahead of time before your next visit.Just so she's prepared to receive company.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Concerned43
Report

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter