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I have a sister who sticks her nose in everyone's business. She and I had an argument and she stated that she would just call before she came.


I didn't ask at that point and the argument wasn't anything about that. So now I want her to call before she comes. It gives us peace of mind and I think I deserve the right to that in my own home. She doesn't like it anymore and is telling the rest of the family that I'm trying to stop her from visiting mom. Which is a lie.


No one believed her, but am I being too demanding?

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Of course you can say that.

Your castle, your rules.

And besides - it just common curtesy, in my opinion - regardless of who’s who and whatever the situation is.

Personally, it annoys the crap out of me when people just “drop by”, “in the neighborhood”, etc. Its thoughtless and rude. That’s what telephones are for and now since EVERYONE has a cell - no excuse NOT to call ahead. But, maybe that’s just me.
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kbuser Jan 10, 2020
I totally agree. My 3 siblings drop in randomly and it drives me nuts. There really is no excuse for not at least texting
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I can relate to the stress of drop in visitors.
Your sister, being someone who should be a regular visitor, could have a set time to visit. Wednesdays at 2 as an example. Ask your sister to be a resource for mom that you both can count on. My aunt has a nephew that comes to have coffee with her twice a week. She loves seeing him. He is only there 15 min or so but it’s nice for both of them. Sometimes he brings his small grandchildren and she loves that.
But he is factored in and comes routinely. Aunt has a busy morning with her aide helping her with her ADLs. So if someone just drops in it interrupts the routine. That might sound like a small thing but it’s stressful for the aide and aunt. Your mother may not be that tied to a schedule but I think most people do better with a routine. If you are like the rest of the caregivers, you may be a little stressed to begin with, so consider that.
I find that most people who aren’t caregivers can’t truly appreciate the experience and the toll it takes. I hope you can work it out. And no you are not too demanding.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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This reminds me of the time someone asked Ann Landers whether s/he had the right to ask a family not to bring their dog when they visited. Ann answered "you not only have the right, but you also have my permission if that will help."

I believe the OP has the permission of most if not all the people on this forum to request that visitors call first..
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 13, 2020
Amen, Jacob!
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Of course it is fine for you to request that she call first. It’s your house and you are the one who is caring for your mom. You know what is best.

Don’t allow her to make you feel guilty. Anyone that knows you as a caring caregiver knows that you have your mom’s best interest at heart. They also know how stressful it is on you.

I don’t mean to speak badly about your sister but from your description she sounds like a drama queen who embellishes the truth. I bet others realize this about her as well.

I hope she realizes her petty behavior and apologizes to you and learns to appreciate you for taking care of your mom. She should be thankful instead of criticizing you.

Also, don’t allow your sister to dictate what you do in life that is best for you or your mom. If you feel this is too much and feel that your mom would be better served in a facility than do so. Does she have any authority to decide what is best? How did mom end up in your home?

I was in your shoes. I have sibling issues too. It can become complicated and difficult. I understand what you’re going through. Hugs!

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Sandrawhocares Jan 10, 2020
My mom came to live with me because I invited her.
She sold her home because it was to much to handle.
The sad thing Is my sister lived with her for 17 years.
She helped put mom in a $30,000.
Debt that she couldn't get out of . Her sscheck would of never got her out.
Then my sister asked mom for a severance package for taking care of her. Mom was shocked but gave her $15,000. Anyway.
My sister never paid mom rent or helped with the utilities.
All the family was shocked.
Most of the kids don't want mom living with them. But I enjoy it.
When making a decision with mom we older three have to agree.
My sister does want mom . She asked mom to move in with her and she can help pay for her morgage on her new house.
Mom said no in front of everyone.
MI'm told everyone she was happy here.
My sister wants the little money mom has left. That's what we all think anyway.
Thanks for the encouraging words.
Hug back to you.
I never knew it would be this hard.
I get no money to help but a little grocery money.
I don't need my mom's money.
We are all comfortable.
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Does someone have your mother's DPOA or HCPOA? If not, please get both these documents while your mother remains competent. If you place her in AL after the POA terms for incompetence have been met your sister will not be able to take her out of the AL. HCPOA determines where the principal (your mother) lives.
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Sandrawhocares Jan 10, 2020
I don't know anything about a DPOA or HCPOA.
BUT I will look them up and see.
I don't want to control my mom.
BUT I want to protect her from the users that want to take advantage of her.
Thank you for the info.
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Your home, your rules. You do you.
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Reply to HelloImMinsu
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Thanks for helping me.
I did not think I am being to demanding.
My sister has not visited my mother for a month. Because of this.
She's called mother and mother put her call on speaker. That's the way she talks to everyone. My sister got angry.
Its hard for her to hear with out it.
Then she texted mother and asking if it's really her. Saying that I monitor all her calls
I do not but another family member does. Mom looks for young men and has gotten scamers. Asking her for money.
She is 80 years old and the beginning of dementia. So we do monitor her phone.
I have a baby monitor on mom.
Its mostly for at night.
Sometimes mom gets up in the middle of the night. One night she fell. My husband and I had to go help her up.
Ill do anything to keep mom safe.
BUT my sister hates the monitor up.
On top of that . She don't want me there in the living room when she visits. I'm not leaving my living room.
Its a bigger story bigger than this.
Question from the family has arose about her taking money from mom.
We all think that this is the reason she wants me out . That she don't want to being heard asking for money from mom.
Its terrible that I have to live like this. I have 6 living brother and sister and she's the only one that makes trouble for everyone.
I've considered putting mom in an assistant living home.
BUT I'm afraid my sister will pull her out.
Mm does not want to live with her, mom has made that plain to all. No. She [my sister] is not the baby. But she is demanding.
Pray for me and mom . Oh for my sister too.
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my2cents Jan 13, 2020
You might just straight out tell sister that mom cannot give money away because there may come a time she needs to go to a nursing home. Gifting money will be counted against your mom if she runs out of money and you have to apply for a Medicaid nursing home bed. Mom would be penalized the number of months equal to amounts she gave away. For example, if she was penalized 12 months, you and other family members would have to pay the monthly nursing home bill for 12 months before she got a free bed paid for by Medicaid. -Someone in the family needs to take over mom's bank accts/money to ensure it is not given away to family, friends, or scammers.
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If any one wants to see my mother they have to call me first...at this point, if she is having a bad day I can just tell the person to try different day that would be better for her.

It is your house and you have the right to set the rules, along with keeping her safe!
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 10, 2020
Amen! Your house, your rules. Everyone should respect that.
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I really thought I'd replied before but it must have not hit 'enter' so, yes they should call before visiting. It's your house.
Why don't people get it?
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Reply to Rbuser1
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I think it’s worthwhile to work out an answer that doesn’t sound as though S has to get your permission to visit mother. ‘Let me know you are planning on coming. If it’s not a good time for some reason, we’ll sort out another time’.
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