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I have a sister who sticks her nose in everyone's business. She and I had an argument and she stated that she would just call before she came.


I didn't ask at that point and the argument wasn't anything about that. So now I want her to call before she comes. It gives us peace of mind and I think I deserve the right to that in my own home. She doesn't like it anymore and is telling the rest of the family that I'm trying to stop her from visiting mom. Which is a lie.


No one believed her, but am I being too demanding?

Of course.  You may want to say, best times for visiting are Saturday and Sunday PM, whatevre
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Sandrawhocares Jan 10, 2020
I don't think I have to set my life on a routine for anyone.
I have things with my children and setting down a time for her would not work for me and mine.
She also works. I never told her she couldn't come except when she wants to come at 10:30 pm.
I think she just doesn't want to ask me.
My brother told her that it was reasonable for her to call before she came.
She has a problem with everything that I do for mom.
Every one else in the family gives me a thumbs up.
Every one in the family had episodes with her about something or another.
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Of course you can say that.

Your castle, your rules.

And besides - it just common curtesy, in my opinion - regardless of who’s who and whatever the situation is.

Personally, it annoys the crap out of me when people just “drop by”, “in the neighborhood”, etc. Its thoughtless and rude. That’s what telephones are for and now since EVERYONE has a cell - no excuse NOT to call ahead. But, maybe that’s just me.
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kbuser Jan 10, 2020
I totally agree. My 3 siblings drop in randomly and it drives me nuts. There really is no excuse for not at least texting
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I really thought I'd replied before but it must have not hit 'enter' so, yes they should call before visiting. It's your house.
Why don't people get it?
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My house, my time. I am not a morning person and getting me and Mom going was exhausting. No way would I want someone "stopping in". A call would be nice and then u could plan around it. While Sis is there take advantage of it.

Families are usually aware when one of them is a Drama Queen. My DD had an arguement with a longtime friend. My DD was right. GF had her Mom on her side but the sisters were on my DDs side because...the GF is a drama queen.
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I can relate to the stress of drop in visitors.
Your sister, being someone who should be a regular visitor, could have a set time to visit. Wednesdays at 2 as an example. Ask your sister to be a resource for mom that you both can count on. My aunt has a nephew that comes to have coffee with her twice a week. She loves seeing him. He is only there 15 min or so but it’s nice for both of them. Sometimes he brings his small grandchildren and she loves that.
But he is factored in and comes routinely. Aunt has a busy morning with her aide helping her with her ADLs. So if someone just drops in it interrupts the routine. That might sound like a small thing but it’s stressful for the aide and aunt. Your mother may not be that tied to a schedule but I think most people do better with a routine. If you are like the rest of the caregivers, you may be a little stressed to begin with, so consider that.
I find that most people who aren’t caregivers can’t truly appreciate the experience and the toll it takes. I hope you can work it out. And no you are not too demanding.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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Thanks for helping me.
I did not think I am being to demanding.
My sister has not visited my mother for a month. Because of this.
She's called mother and mother put her call on speaker. That's the way she talks to everyone. My sister got angry.
Its hard for her to hear with out it.
Then she texted mother and asking if it's really her. Saying that I monitor all her calls
I do not but another family member does. Mom looks for young men and has gotten scamers. Asking her for money.
She is 80 years old and the beginning of dementia. So we do monitor her phone.
I have a baby monitor on mom.
Its mostly for at night.
Sometimes mom gets up in the middle of the night. One night she fell. My husband and I had to go help her up.
Ill do anything to keep mom safe.
BUT my sister hates the monitor up.
On top of that . She don't want me there in the living room when she visits. I'm not leaving my living room.
Its a bigger story bigger than this.
Question from the family has arose about her taking money from mom.
We all think that this is the reason she wants me out . That she don't want to being heard asking for money from mom.
Its terrible that I have to live like this. I have 6 living brother and sister and she's the only one that makes trouble for everyone.
I've considered putting mom in an assistant living home.
BUT I'm afraid my sister will pull her out.
Mm does not want to live with her, mom has made that plain to all. No. She [my sister] is not the baby. But she is demanding.
Pray for me and mom . Oh for my sister too.
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my2cents Jan 13, 2020
You might just straight out tell sister that mom cannot give money away because there may come a time she needs to go to a nursing home. Gifting money will be counted against your mom if she runs out of money and you have to apply for a Medicaid nursing home bed. Mom would be penalized the number of months equal to amounts she gave away. For example, if she was penalized 12 months, you and other family members would have to pay the monthly nursing home bill for 12 months before she got a free bed paid for by Medicaid. -Someone in the family needs to take over mom's bank accts/money to ensure it is not given away to family, friends, or scammers.
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Of course it is fine for you to request that she call first. It’s your house and you are the one who is caring for your mom. You know what is best.

Don’t allow her to make you feel guilty. Anyone that knows you as a caring caregiver knows that you have your mom’s best interest at heart. They also know how stressful it is on you.

I don’t mean to speak badly about your sister but from your description she sounds like a drama queen who embellishes the truth. I bet others realize this about her as well.

I hope she realizes her petty behavior and apologizes to you and learns to appreciate you for taking care of your mom. She should be thankful instead of criticizing you.

Also, don’t allow your sister to dictate what you do in life that is best for you or your mom. If you feel this is too much and feel that your mom would be better served in a facility than do so. Does she have any authority to decide what is best? How did mom end up in your home?

I was in your shoes. I have sibling issues too. It can become complicated and difficult. I understand what you’re going through. Hugs!

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Sandrawhocares Jan 10, 2020
My mom came to live with me because I invited her.
She sold her home because it was to much to handle.
The sad thing Is my sister lived with her for 17 years.
She helped put mom in a $30,000.
Debt that she couldn't get out of . Her sscheck would of never got her out.
Then my sister asked mom for a severance package for taking care of her. Mom was shocked but gave her $15,000. Anyway.
My sister never paid mom rent or helped with the utilities.
All the family was shocked.
Most of the kids don't want mom living with them. But I enjoy it.
When making a decision with mom we older three have to agree.
My sister does want mom . She asked mom to move in with her and she can help pay for her morgage on her new house.
Mom said no in front of everyone.
MI'm told everyone she was happy here.
My sister wants the little money mom has left. That's what we all think anyway.
Thanks for the encouraging words.
Hug back to you.
I never knew it would be this hard.
I get no money to help but a little grocery money.
I don't need my mom's money.
We are all comfortable.
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Does someone have your mother's DPOA or HCPOA? If not, please get both these documents while your mother remains competent. If you place her in AL after the POA terms for incompetence have been met your sister will not be able to take her out of the AL. HCPOA determines where the principal (your mother) lives.
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Sandrawhocares Jan 10, 2020
I don't know anything about a DPOA or HCPOA.
BUT I will look them up and see.
I don't want to control my mom.
BUT I want to protect her from the users that want to take advantage of her.
Thank you for the info.
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If any one wants to see my mother they have to call me first...at this point, if she is having a bad day I can just tell the person to try different day that would be better for her.

It is your house and you have the right to set the rules, along with keeping her safe!
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 10, 2020
Amen! Your house, your rules. Everyone should respect that.
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Sandra,

Thanks for your response to my post. Sounds like your sister and your mom did not have the best relationship. That’s sad. Lots of us have crappy siblings.

If you are happy in your living arrangement and your mom is satisfied as well, your sister should not interfere. You know your sister and I would ask your mom to give you authority since she is living under your roof. Look into a POA.

I’m sorry that you don’t receive more financial assistance. I realize it’s hard. I had mom with me so I know it’s challenging at times.

Was your dad a veteran and serve during war time? If he was, please seek out financial assistance from them. You will be able to receive approximately 1200 a month in aid and assistance.
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I would really suggest you make an appt with an attorney. Preferably one with a specialty in elder care. If you don’t know about POA, then you and your mother need to understand more clearly about about a lot of things. Like co-mingling finances (something not to do) as well as how best to protect her and any assets she may have. If your sister is already spending lies, that won’t get better and sometimes family members call and make false reports of abuse. So best to get a complete overview of how best to proceed.
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Your home, your rules. You do you.
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This reminds me of the time someone asked Ann Landers whether s/he had the right to ask a family not to bring their dog when they visited. Ann answered "you not only have the right, but you also have my permission if that will help."

I believe the OP has the permission of most if not all the people on this forum to request that visitors call first..
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 13, 2020
Amen, Jacob!
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First comment is ...yes you can ask anyone to call before they come over. But in reality that might not always happen so be open to having visitors IF it is convenient at the time. (if you are in the middle of helping mom with something and you can not have visitors..if you are getting ready to take mom to the salon to get her hair cut you can't have visitors)

After reading some of your comments to other's replies you REALLY REALLY need to talk to a Lawyer that specializes in Elder Care.
You need to have POA for health and finances.
You need to have clarification as to how to handle finances.
You need to look down the road for the long haul, will Medicaid be necessary and how will past decisions effect the application process for that.
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Absolutely,
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Oh my! Tape your conversations you have with her to have proof that you are not refusing her visitations with mom.. You have the right to know when she is coming
as it is your home and if you state your concern you are not being too demanding whatsoever.  if she calls tape your conversations so that you have a way of backing up what you say and what she is saying so you have proof for the siblings
hope this was helpful
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Doggomom Jan 14, 2020
It is not legal in all states to record a conversation without the other person’s knowledge, so check your state law on that, and how to notify your sister that she is being recorded if necessary.
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I think it’s worthwhile to work out an answer that doesn’t sound as though S has to get your permission to visit mother. ‘Let me know you are planning on coming. If it’s not a good time for some reason, we’ll sort out another time’.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Yes,You most certainly can.It is your house and personally I think people should call before a visit.
Who knows what maybe going on.Your mom is sick your sick.

You have plans or you just don't feel like being bothered.I had the same dilemma when I took care of my mom and now my dad Thankfully,The only person who visits my dad is my aunt,and she lets me know when she's welcoming for a visit.

I never just show up at anybody's house.I always call first so I expect others to do the same.

You can say,Thank you so much for visiting my mom today but would you mind calling ahead of time before your next visit.Just so she's prepared to receive company.
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Also maybe ask her to come some times for your convenience, if you need to run an errand or have some time for yourself. I echo the comment below to make sure that all paperwork is in order (POA for medical and financial), and that you understand her wishes for health care and end of life, etc. Speak with an attorney and possibly a social worker who can advise you on elder care programs, such as Medicare which has programs to subsidize home care by relatives and hospice care.
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You are not being too demanding at all. This is best for everyone’s sake. Of course for yours; but it is also best for your mother in that if she is having a bad Alzheimer’s day, visits can just make that worse. And it is best for the visitor in that they do not have to spend the time making the trip if it will be a bad or counterproductive visit. This has been the standing “rule” for all visitors with my mother, who is in a care facility, for years. Anytime a visitor “schedules” a visit, they know it is tentative until the morning of the visit. I’m so sorry for the challenges you are facing. Dealing with chronic illness so often does not bring out the best in family members. As long as you are doing the caregiving you need to do what works best for you and your mother. Try to remember that what other people think and say has no bearing on the reality that you are living. You are an angel for doing this caregiving. Sending yo thoughts for strength and peace.
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Reply to MelissaPA2AZ
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Your request to have visitors call before they come is completely reasonable.

You and your sister might try to find a better way to move forward, since you both have a vested interest in caring for your mother.
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Jannner Jan 14, 2020
You can’t control anyone but yourself. Sounds like a lifelong habit, the sister probably doesn’t see any reason to change
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Hospitals have set visiting hours. Maybe set up a set time for visitors, like Tuesday and Thursday 2-4 and stick to it. If you make it known to everyone, it will be obvious your sister is lying and you’ll know when they are coming. If they come at an off time if you are busy, they were warned and if you turn them away , I doubt they’ll do it again lol.
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AT1234 Jan 14, 2020
That is exactly what judges do in guardianship cases. You set up a two hour window once a week. A 24 hour notice is required. They don’t announce they miss window, next week try again. It’s simple courtesy.

oh and count on her being a slow learner, stick to the rules. Everyone else will be relieved for you and mom and will happily comply. Then rest easy.
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Your home, your rules!
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No you are not being too demanding. I have set boundaries with family members. They have learned to respect this. I did not care if they got mad, because they chose and stated they would not to be here to help with anything. They were only concerned about money. I am the POA for my mom and Step Dad. Mom and Step Dad do not want anyone knowing their finances. So now noone comes snooping around or calling. Keeping people away also keeps my mom and Step Dad healthy. Example being Step Dads sone came over for a visit with pink eye once. I put Step Dad outside in the back when he had visitors. When son was in the house he was walking all over the place. Not his house and none of his business.i have gotten a lot stronger going through this for the last 5 years. This is a house not a hotel. If you are the POA, you have the power and the right to protect the person and their finances. People will learn to respect when you set boundaries. If they dont have good intentions, that is on them and why they may be getting upset.
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Pasa18 Jan 14, 2020
You touched on a lot of good points. I wish I found this forum earlier so I would have been stronger about setting boundaries. Through a lot of grief, I've had to learn it's my role to be the bad guy if needed.

Mom had been vulnerable and needing company these past years. Of those that visited, some had good intentions while still self serving. Several treated her home as a hotel or storage. One adult relative came over and brought her laundry to do each time, another came over and seemed to only eat and nap afterwards, another came late in the evenings which contributed to mom's cognitive decline, another relative wanted to continue the family parties when it was clear that it overwhelmed mom. It seemed like whenever I filled my car with stuff to be donated, a neighbor would surveil the stash.
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Definitely check into getting DPOA/HCPOA. A good EC atty can determine if mom still has the ability to make some decisions and therefore can sign these documents. It doesn't give you "control" over mom, but does allow you to manage her finances, make certain decisions for her in her best interest, include you in medical care and treatment decisions. These allow you to help mom and protect her from nefarious people. Her assets should be used to cover the cost (it can be expensive, but it is worth it, esp if she has assets and those looking to take them.)

Since sister is into looking for more handouts, any assets mom has should be set up in a trust for her with you (and other trusted siblings if possible) as trustee. You could also consider signing up as rep payee for SS (again, this is to protect mom's income.) If so, call the local office, not the main SS number. They will set up an appointment, ask a lot of questions and submit your request. I was able to do this, without mom in tow and despite bringing documentation that I was managing her finances, etc, they didn't look at one piece of paper! If approved, her payments go to you as rep payee and you use a special account that only you can access, not mom or anyone else. It does require keeping track of how her SS income is spent and reporting it yearly, but can be done online.

These actions would prevent sister from getting any money from mom. This protects her income and assets from any financial abuse, both family and outsiders. A good EC atty can set these all up and guide you. If this is all done, you have NO obligation to share info with anyone, esp that sister. Generally most will give you a first initial consult for free. Write up all your questions and concerns before the consult and take notes. It might be best to attend this without mom, and during the follow up, s/he would question mom to determine if she can still sign/make some decisions about how to proceed. You might consult with the reasonable siblings to see what they think and ask if they would like to be involved. Their input could be helpful.

As for sister calling before a visit, no, that isn't too much to ask. Even when not caregiving, random drive by drop ins are not always welcome! Sometimes we all have a bad day/part of day/busy day and are not "up" to visitors. Requiring you to leave the room while she visits is a clear indication she is likely up to no good. If you can protect her assets, sister might give up visiting at all!
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Reply to disgustedtoo
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Yes!!!!! Control the visits.
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Reply to Majinf1
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I totally understand how you feel about visitors calling "before" they come. Even if they are family.
I to take care of my mother in my home and I'm having a issue with a family member that wants to come and visit. My mother has been with me for over a year. Not one time over the course of the year did she ever mention that she and her son wanted to visit. She "told" me they were planning on coming to see my mom. I told her it wasn't a good time because the weekend she was coming, we were moving! She didn't offer for her and her son to help us. What she did do was tell other family that "she doesn't know when they will be able to come and see her aunt"! I told her once we got settled in I would tell her and we could make plans for them to come. She lives 4 hours away.
She contracted me again about a month later about coming. Saying that her son really wants to see my mom. Now, if it's so important to him why doesn't he call her? And why hasn't tried to contact her AT ALL over the past year!? I once again had to tell her we weren't ready for company yet. She then told me, "your house doesn't have to be perfect. We don't care about that and we don't need a place to stay."
Iinstead of just accepting what I said she went and told a couple close family members that she thinks I just don't want them to come.
She is wrong for telling someone that and even more wrong about what she thinks. I don't get a whole lot of company and I would love for them to come. However, there is a much deeper reason why it's not a good time. We are trying to understand, accept and learn how to deal with our adult child that has moved back with us because he has been diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I'm not ready to share that with anyone right now. Until his more stable and his medication is working, it's honestly not a good time "for us" to have company. She didn't stop and think maybe there's a good reason why and accept what I said and wait for me to make the invite! Instead she's made a very unfair assumption and talked unkindly about me. Just because I'm caring for my mother in "my home" doesn't mean that you can just come anytime you want because she's your aunt!
I totally get wanting to visit your loved one and I would never prevent anyone from seeing her if it weren't for the seriousness of our situation.
I think people feel like because they are family and their loved one is elderly, they should automatically get a free pass. No one considers that you do have a life outside of being a caregiver and respect your right to privacy and common courtesy in "your home"! My mother is not ill and in her final days. If it's that important and urgent pick up the phone and call her! And, for what it's worth, my mom doesn't want company right now either! Schizophrenia is a very serious mental illness and even more hard to accept and deal with. The person is very unpredictable and can have moments of bizarre behavior. Because of what's happening to them, it's very real to them.
The bottom line is "your house, your rules"! I don't have to worry about people just dropping by because we don't have any relatives close to us. Thankfully! If I were in your situation, I would kindly explain that you would like things to go back to how they were because you appreciated her calling before coming. I don't think in your situation you have to justify why you want to know ahead of time either. It's just common courtesy. Being a caregiver is stressful. Until someone does what we do, they will never understand it.
I hope your sister will think about it and give you the respect your asking for.
Best wishes!
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Reply to AprilJoy64
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Yes, I absolutely think you can ask someone to call before they come over, for everyone's benefit. Someone wouldn't want to come if you had taken your mom out for lunch, so it's as much for the visitor's benefit as for yours. If you're giving your mom a shower, for example, that will be your focus, not answering the door. We took care of my mom when she had Alzheimer's, and I wrote a book about it:"My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I mention the inconsistency with Alzheimer's. Some days my mom was fine, and others, not, so coming on a "good" day was more enjoyable for everyone.
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Reply to rlynn123
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Yes Yes and YES! It's rude to plan a visit without consulting first.

No No and NO, you are not being too demanding.
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Reply to RayLinStephens
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Yes it’s ok to ask them to call first...but when they come, you leave & go get mani/pedi
then go out to movie &/or lunch! Don’t entertain anyone who comes into the house! No matter who it is...just leave! On the other hand, if you cannot trust her or think she’s up to no good, stick around... but no entertaining! Sis is the one who should bring food! Hugs 🤗
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