My hubby’s heart doctor tells us he doesn’t know how he is still alive with his heart as bad as it is. My husband now does dialysis to relieve the fluids on his lungs and heart. I look at him and he looks bewildered, sad, mad. He bosses me. He snaps at me.
He thanks me. He loves me. He hates me. He tells me I am nuts and that I need help. He says things to me and can’t remember he said them to me. Inside I feel like a failure as a support to him. Inside a part of me is dying. Inside I love him. Inside I get mad at him for being mean to me. Inside I tell myself, “what If it was me going thru what my husband is going thru? How would I be?”
It was easy yet hard for us in February 2018 when we were asked for Hospice to come and my husband chose to fight to live and declined Hospice. Now some days I just feel like he wants to fight. This past year we have been positive and worked together in support with love, patience and energy. Now it seems we have love, yet patience seems little. Same with energy. Yet anger is visiting us.
How do we get a grip on our days left on this earth? How do I deal with the confusion. Has anyone else felt what we are going thru?