My 90yo demented mother lives 1000 miles away. She lives alone, despite safety issues, and refuses to move. She has a caregiver who comes four days a week. But she now has a pattern of calling us a day or two after the caregiver has been there, distraught and angry and anxious that her phone doesn’t work (even as she is talking to us on it), she has no food (they were at the grocery store the previous day) or meds (the caregiver set up her meds the day before), and that the caregiver didn’t show up (it’s Sunday). On the worst days, she doesn’t know what day it is, is screaming she wants to die and needs the police! Twice now we have called 911, and there have been four APS visits. And every time, when they arrive, she says she is fine, refuses any medical care, and they shrug and leave. We have identified an ALF/MC facility, but she absolutely refuses to go. My sibs and I are exhausted. This is all a waste of energy, effort, emergency resources. I’ve blocked her on my phone, so she calls my sister instead, who calls me (I’m the POA). I’m ready to ignore her and let the chips fall where they may. I was hoping this time they’d take her to the hospital, but no such luck. Any words of wisdom, advice, experience from you all? Thank you!
And with her living by herself and with a caregiver only coming 4 days a week is not keeping your mom safe and taken care of. That is an accident waiting to happen.
Your mom now needs to placed in the appropriate facility where she will be looked after 24/7, whether she wants to go or not. If you have a durable POA that is effective immediately, and you can take the necessary actions to do so. And if the POA is springing then you need to get her doctors to claim her incompetent, so it can be put into effect.
Otherwise you need to hire 24/7 caregivers with your moms money to keep her safe, and to keep her from living in such fear. That has to be so horrible for someone with a broken brain to be so afraid, and really who can blame her?
I hope that you will now do whatever it takes to keep your mom safe and have less fear.
Family are then advised to stay away for several weeks while the senior adjusts. Things can be a little tense for a while.
This is not about pleasing your mother, but about providing suitable care for her as you are her POA. She is not safe as things are. Her doctor can assess that she cannot live alone anymore to take the pressure off of you.
She is not thinking straight and that can't drive the situation. POAs are there to make decisions for people who can't make good ones for themselves. That's you!
The calls you’re describing may be histrionics but they also sound like sundowning, part of the dementia you’ve acknowledged. So perhaps less on purpose and more because she really can’t remember what’s true or not.
If nobody has power of attorney then you’re already doing what you can. Call 911 when it seems warranted and ignore the rest. You and your siblings are now “waiting for the fall”. When there’s a big enough emergency that she ends up hospitalized and unable to make her own decisions you can jump into action and get her placed. Until then you protect your peace the best you can and wait.
Doesn't want to move.
Unable to understand the problem.
Unable to reason a solution.
I think I would start asking different questions. Along the lines of *what do you REALLY want?* but in super simple language.
Eg Do you want to feel SAFE?
Do you want to have enough food? Do want a comfortable bed?
If you get 3 yeses, use those as the values to guide the next steps.
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