Hi I am 41 I’m night care worker with a family. My elderly mother has mobility problems and has my dad living with her who is very able. I help when I can but she always makes me feel guilty. I take her shopping once a week and make sure my children pop in and see her once a week and I see her at least 3 times as I live 50 miles away but work 3 nights where she lives. I get comments like when you're here you're asleep and it would be nice if you're here more to keep me company. I have two brothers who live close to her and pop in once a week but I’m the only one who gets comments and it’s starting to get me down


This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
My Mom had 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls and she always expected more from me, the oldest. This is why caregiving was so hard for me. I always did for my parents and was the one who remained in the same town. And then caring for Mom with no help from siblings. She was a good Mom. Our friends loved hanging around our house. My sister died 22 yrs ago. My brothers hardly called or visited.

You need to tell Mom that you have a lot on ur plate. You work, take care of a home and family and try your best to do what you can for her. Tell her she really is lucky. Not everyone has family who makes sure they see her every week. Its not your responsibility to entertain her.

You say elderly, maybe 70? If she has no health problems than she can do for herself. She needs to rely on her husband to keep her entertained. Her children have lives of their own. They need to do things together.

You do enough.
Helpful Answer (4)

Hm. So, do you go to her house after work and sleep there? She may feel that you're using her home as a convenient base, and resents it. Also, if she's ready to go out and you're fast asleep, maybe she gets tetchy and impatient.

Apart from the shopping, is there anything else you do for her? And, would *you* say that you get as much 'quality time' with her as you would like? - or, as a working mother with your own family, I expect you have to split every minute four ways as it is.
Helpful Answer (1)
Martha1977 Oct 2018
Hi yes I do stay at her house at her request as she has a tendency to fall and my dad can not manage to get her up on his own I’m worried he will hurt himself and I shower her and do her dinners as she says my dads not a very good cook and she doesn’t like microwave meals I also have to go on holiday with them most of the time as my dad can not cope with her as she is wheelchair bound and can only walk a few yards on her own
See 1 more reply
And the (dated) expectations of daughters being expected to do more live on! Why can't your brothers keep her company, since they live close to her? It's a lot more of a burden on you. Ask her that.

Don't let it get you down, and don't start giving in to her increased expectations of you just because you're her daughter. You are decades younger than many of us here, and it's annoying that women are often STILL expected to do more for the elders than men.
Helpful Answer (5)
lkdrymom Oct 2018
I agree. Ask her why you are expected to visit her more often than your brothers. I bet she says they are either too busy or she doesn't want to bother them. My father had no problem expecting me to leave work to drive him someplace but wouldn't think of asking one of his retired friends for a favor. I was told that was what a daughter is for.
See 1 more reply
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter