Mom is unhappy and depressed living with me. Any suggestions?


My mom is 97 years old. Physically, she is above normal. Mentally, she is unhappy and depressed. She sold her home two years ago, after my dad passed away, to come and live with me and my two sons. I am a single dad and permanently disabled for the last 25 years. I believed that she would be happy living with me and her grandchildren rather than being alone. But, she misses her friends and her daily activities in her former township. She is starting to become a financial strain on me as well. She is depressed, despondent and constantly bored over this living arrangement which has caused us all to engage in monumental arguments on a daily basis. She wants to be driven to places out of my immediate area but I am unable to because, besides my physical problems, part of my disability has to do with a phobia I have of riding in a car after I was badly hurt in an auto accident in 1993. My mother wants to return to her former area and move into an assisted living facility where she knows many of the residents. The problem is that these facilities charge exorbitant monthly rents ($3,300 and up) and she doesn't have any money. The money she received in the sale of her home was distributed to her family members. She is now living on her month-to-month Social Security checks. She survives on Medicare and AARP Supplemental insurance as her medical providers but was told that they have nothing to do with assisted living facilities. I was told she would have to apply for Medicaid, which I did for her two weeks ago. My question is will there be ANY chance that Medicaid will approve her? The application wanted information dating back 5 years when her finances were much better. She believed she was doing the right thing by giving away her money because she felt why would a woman her age need all of this money? Now, she/we are in a bind. She has lost much weight due to her unhappiness and I am struggling to deal with her demands and as well as my own physical/emotional disabilities. I am praying that Medicaid approves her. But, if they don't, what other alternatives are out there for this woman? I am at a crossroads of my life and things are going more downhill with each new day.

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Countrymouse meant that Medicaid will effectively treat her application as if the gifts were given back by denying coverage based on the total amount of the gifts divided by some cost factor. So, if the gifts total $100,000 and the cost of care is $10,000 per month, then Medicaid will not pay anything for the first ten months of care. Keep in mind that your mother will also have to pass come kind of screening or examination to show that she meets the criteria of needing the kind of full time care that a NH provides.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to AlfredR

It wasn't five years. She only sold the house two years ago.
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Reply to Countrymouse

It sounds like you and your mom are both suffering because of this arrangement.

I disagree about expecting the family members giving the money back. You can't ask them to give the money back that your mom gave them 5 years ago. Did she loan it to them? If she loaned them the money that would be one thing but I don't get that sense from what you wrote. Your mom sold her house and generously gave the proceeds to her family. It was a very kind gesture and the family members can't be expected now to give it back. The money is gone.

When I applied for Medicaid on behalf of my dad I stayed in touch with the caseworker. I wanted her to know who I was. I wasn't sure my dad would be approved either but he was.

If your mom is approved will she move into a nursing home? Have you looked at facilities yet? If you start looking and find one your mom likes, make an appointment and let them know you're going through the Medicaid process. The social worker at the facility may be able to assist you.
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Reply to Eyerishlass

Oh dear.

Her family members will need to give the money back.

And if they can't, they will have to figure out among them how they are going to make good on the Medicaid penalty.

Your mother should take comfort: the decision she made was an error, but it is a very common one and she is by no means the only person to find herself in this kind of predicament.
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Reply to Countrymouse