He is beyond reasoning at this point in the disease. He doesn’t understand why I need a break. He is still convinced there is nothing wrong with him. It’s so frustrating.
Please remember, and tell your DH, that the ‘respite’ in respite care is for the caregiver, not the person being cared for. This is TRUE. He may be correct in thinking that he doesn’t need respite, because you are doing everything he needs. This mistake about the purpose of respite is actually very common - it's seen as 'a nice change' for the patient, not an important need for the carer. You have to change the conversation to be about your own needs. Can he think of any other way to provide you with respite?
Your profile says that he has dementia. If he past a certain point, he may not be able to process why you need respite. People with dementia often aren't able to comprehend why it's vital....so, if that's the case, you may not be able to reason. But, it is crucial. So, I'd explore ways to get it accomplished, without his approval. I'd take precautions if he is violent or disruptive, so the respite caregivers and yourself are protected.
Good point. So what does a person do if there loved one can’t comprehend? That has to be so awkward. Does it make them feel abandoned if they aren’t able to understand respite? In turn, does it make the caregiver feel guilty? Boy, it’s tough all around.
Hubby doesn't have to be 'for' this decision because it's not about HIM; it's about YOU. Get him to respite right away and with any luck, he'll like it and want to go back again! If not, he'll be fine ANYWAY and you'll get a well deserved and much needed break. If he won't get in the car to go, call medical transportation to get him there.
i arranged a day visit for both of us...the facility included a free lunch too.
we saw the room she would have. We saw the amenities... movie theater for movie night, games, puzzles in the lobbies, a band or solo music performances every afternoon. Excursions to the mall or museum.
when we left there my Mom wanted to move in permanently. She looked forward t the 2 weeks there, and really enjoyed it.
Has he been determined incompetent? Do you have POA then use it. If u have to, hire transport to take him to an AL or NH that offers respite. You may find he does well there and it can be permanent. Depending on ur finances, u maybe able to keep a % of it and spend down his part. Its called the Community Spouse. You will have the home and a car and money to live on. Talk to ur local Medicaid office.
You know how on your profile you say you are sometimes ready to walk?
Time to walk. As long as your husband goes to respite, you'll walk back at the end of the respite break. If he refuses, though...
But you can't expect an alcoholic with LBD to reason, and so there is no point (it would be unethical, too) in an ultimatum. The thing about seeing respite as enabling you NOT to walk permanently is for your own peace of mind, not to persuade him.
As for getting him to go: is it his decision or yours, about whether he's temporarily admitted? Where would the respite care take place?
The carer will come to our house. He tells me he doesn’t want a stranger in our house. He is shadowing now so he does not want me out of his sight. I thought about staying here with him for the first visit but even when my friend comes to visit me that he knows he doesn’t like it. I would love to be able to take him somewhere in a social situation. I think he would like that situation. We have no adult daycare where I live.
What's his main objections? Is he angry, fearful? If angry, blame someone else - the Doctor says we must do this. If fearful, maybe reassure you will call & visit.
We have to do this, but we'll both be ok. Say it in a caring tone. Then make it happen.
I don’t think there is another sensible option here so I wouldn’t put it in the form of a request. I would tell him as a statement, a fact of what is going to happen. He will have no other choice but to accept it.
It’s kind of like when we prepared our kids to attend school. They did not get to say that they didn’t want to go. They knew it was expected of them and off they went. So this is his requirement for his age now. He is now signed up for respite care just like we registered our children to attend school.
This is for both of you. He needs care and he will receive care. You cannot take care of him if you are exhausted.
Tell him that you need it and you don't want to be a statistic.
Tell him that 40% of caregivers die before the person that they are caring for. What will he do if that happens to you because you can't get a break. He will be permanently placed in a facility with no advocate.
I think I cannot even make a "polite" reply to him. But I do think you can imagine well enough what it would be. Do as you need to do. Gently. With lots of love. With apology for the fact that you are a human with limitations and might wish you were a Saint, but are not (and the job description for Sainthood is in general real ugly).
When Council on Aging caregiver would come for the few hours she only looked as care for her.
Best of luck!!
i arranged a day visit for both of us...the facility included a free lunch too.
we saw the room she would have. We saw the amenities... movie theater for movie night, games, puzzles in the lobbies, a band or solo music performances every afternoon. Excursions to the mall or museum.
when we left there my Mom wanted to move in permanently. She looked forward t the 2 weeks there, and really enjoyed it.
Time to walk. As long as your husband goes to respite, you'll walk back at the end of the respite break. If he refuses, though...
But you can't expect an alcoholic with LBD to reason, and so there is no point (it would be unethical, too) in an ultimatum. The thing about seeing respite as enabling you NOT to walk permanently is for your own peace of mind, not to persuade him.
As for getting him to go: is it his decision or yours, about whether he's temporarily admitted? Where would the respite care take place?
We have to do this, but we'll both be ok. Say it in a caring tone. Then make it happen.
It’s kind of like when we prepared our kids to attend school. They did not get to say that they didn’t want to go. They knew it was expected of them and off they went. So this is his requirement for his age now. He is now signed up for respite care just like we registered our children to attend school.
This is for both of you. He needs care and he will receive care. You cannot take care of him if you are exhausted.
Best wishes to you. Hugs!
Tell him that 40% of caregivers die before the person that they are caring for. What will he do if that happens to you because you can't get a break. He will be permanently placed in a facility with no advocate.