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my 87 y/o mother has lived with my husband and I for 3 years. I feel guilty when I start to feel resentment that I am in this position. We are both retired and he just lives his life and comes and goes and I do not have that option. I feel trapped then I feel quilty for feeling that way. I have 2 sisters who live right here in town, one doesn't even come and visit the other one does, but she gets to go home. I sound horrible but these are real feelings.

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Appreciate the response. I actually do not harbor any "resentment". I was annoyed, momentarily thinking that I lacked the ability to impact a more comfortable change in our family dynamics. My beloved has no siblings-just me to assist on a daily basis. He's a hard worker both in and outside our home. I don't care for television or sports, so the time he and parents spend together is company for me. It's comical to hear them cheer for the same team and laugh together. Besides, Hubby watched the tele every night to whine down-before his folks moved in with us.
I have suggested that we eat at least dinner meal together on occasion as a couple and it's been good for us to enjoy that time together. Principle in Bible Proverbs 15:22 equals success for us. YAY!
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Mazylyn, I'm afraid it truly does sound as if you are the hired help in your own home. And as a result you aren't spending the time you'd like with your own elderly parents?

With all due respect, maybe it's time to start examining the resentment you feel more carefully instead of continually pushing it away by counting blessings, today's a new day, etc. It's OK for a Christian to have boundaries.

You sound like a lovely person with an awesome ministry and I'll bet your parents value and miss you!

I hope you'll forgive the bluntness of my comments.
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I too, felt guilty for feeling trapped in caring for my husband’s parents (ages 90 and 93). Both have mental health issues and minor physical limitations and moved into our home with very little to no real dialogue between my husband and me about “expectations”. My husband’s life seems to go on as usual-works full time, attends social engagements and board meetings after work; plays golf all day every other weekend and goes out of town and out of state for golf tournaments and work related events. My husband and I spend very little time together. When he comes home round 8 pm-he spends time watching tv with his parents every night. (I was beginning to feel like they were family and I was the outside help living under their roof. MORE guilt for having that thought come up in my heart, Ugh!)
We have an outstanding caregiver who comes in a few hours 4 days a week, so I can engage in my Christian ministry out of doors. (This has been beneficial for me.) I consider what I do in the home in caring for his parents’ needs is my internal ministry in the site of God. Beyond and above the guilt comes peace of mind that associated with fulfilling, to the best of my ability, my God-given responsibility, to care for and provide loving support for his aging parents’ needs and desires in their last stage of life. It’s not easy. My husband and I are in our 60’s. I am grateful to God for the sustaining power He supplies and His approval- “well done” each and everyday these last 8 months. I acknowledge the guilt but refuse to embrace it.
In conclusion, counting my blessings, acknowledging my insecurities, and moving forward each new day helps. Doing all I can to add to the overall contentment/peace in our home massages my inner peace and squelches some of the guilt I have associated with resentment I feel because I seldom have the time and energy to visit and support my own aging parents still living in their home just 10 minutes away.
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Two questions: 

geewhiz - How much time did you spend with your mom when she was in the facility? What you did sounds overwhelming. Did you spend all day there? I am wondering what the norm is, because if my mother enters a facility, I expect her to be taken care by the staff, not me.

witsendalone - Do you take care of your mother's boyfriend? Why? Doesn't he have his own family?
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thank you everyone.... your thoughts,comments and support were my lifeline this week. i do not know you and yet your comments gave me strength. i am grateful to have found this site. thank you
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You are not horrible. This is totally normal. When I read your post I thought I was reading my own thoughts. I have an 87 year old mother who lives with her equally old boyfriend and doesn't quite need care yet, but I live 6 miles away in a place I hate. My brothers and sisters are useless (drug addicts and felons or dead or just moved away without a care in the world) while I'm stuck here. I have the most horrible thoughts too, you are not alone. It is so flipping hard to be the only one who bears the entire weight. There is no one to even give you any relief. God bless you that you have your family. I just got married at age 46 for the first time and am so excited to live my life with my new wife, she is 52, we are already planning our retirement!!!! Even though my mother doesn't live with me, I too am stuck here "in case" as they need some help and I have to go live there when she has surgery or they get hospitalized. I sympathize with you that the thought of you living her life not yours is mentally crippling. One thing I can tell you is you are in a hard position. I know. One person said to me, "Go and live your life, she's already lived hers." Easier said than done, but educate yourself about your options, as painful as it is. Is your quality of life less worthy than hers? Is it worth it to be emotionally depressed? What a difficult decision. I will pray for you and I hope others pray for all of us who are in this position alone with zero help from family. Hang in there, educate yourself, pray, and do your homework. You deserve light in your life.
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Arwen31: beautiful sentiment.

I too mull over what I want to do when I'm free to leave Mom's house and my house in another state finally sells. Months ago I was terrified that I could go anywhere and do anything. Oh, no! Where do I go!? What do I do!? I had to talk myself into the thought that I'm not drifting alone, but the world is open to me. Where do I go, what do I do?! Anywhere and anything that suits my fancy.
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The only thing that gives me the strength of being a good (at least I hope) carer, is my constant plotting and dreaming of a wonderful new life and wonderful new adventures for myself. When I see a way out, I'm so much more giving and loving. And I truly love my mom, so much.

It's because we were born free, and we want to stay free, and this is OK.

Wishing you lots of freedom
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Yes, of course you feel this way. Can you put your thinking cap on and consider ways to make you feel less trapped??? Trust me when I say that those who aren't care giving truly have NO idea of the strain it takes.
Be honest with your sister in town that visits. "Sis, I want to be honest with you- I am feeling a bit trapped and overwhelmed with taking care of Mom. Would you consider spending a weekend here while hubby and I do an overnight away and have some time to ourselves?"
When I was taking care of my Mom (in a FACILITY) I too felt overwhelmed. One day my out of state sister called while I was visiting my Mom. My (VERY blunt husband) told her I needed relief. (BTW I didn't learn about this conversation from her EVER and hubby only told me 2 years after my Mom was gone! ) From that call on, my sister came up once a month for 4-5 days. She did the daily visits to Mom and got to visit her friends and relatives in the area as well. She made herself available while we went away for a week! She came the first time and sat with me and asked what I did with my Mom when I made my daily visits. I talked about hydrating, walking or chair exercises, attending activities, etc etc. She did a great job and always took photos and left my Mom with a copy of the best one of them together. The moral here - - -- she had to be told ! Talk with your sister and see if you can't carve out some time for yourself.
Also, review your Mom's finances. Spend some of it on companion time or an aide so you can have some free time. You can't help Mom if you are a mess.
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You're not horrible, deerny; you're a giving person to be caring for your mother. You're entitled to feel what you feel. This is hard! I understand how you feel because I feel the same way sometimes. I feel bad about myself because at times I resent being isolated in Mom's house because she insisted for years she wanted to stay at home and my siblings are committed to doing that.

Try not to resent your husband. Hopefully he does help, but our blood is ours to care for. There are threads on this forum about in-laws (nearly always the DIL) doing all the caregiving while the blood son/daughter does little.

It scares me to peel back the calendar sheets knowing I grow closer and closer to OldLadyHood myself. Three years is a long time that you've cared for her. I hope you can be good to yourself and find peace.
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Valid feelings.
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