Follow
Share

Here's the background. Both my parents were/are horrible people. My mother was physically abusive and I cut her out of my life at a young age. My father- when he was around, was the drug addict, alcoholic, narcissistic, lazy type who absolutely LOVES mind games. I've been caring for since 2012 when he had a heart attack. Why did I allow myself to get into this position? Guilt I suppose. I tried one last time to reconcile with my mother too, and that ended in her trying to be just as abusive as she was when I was a little girl. That experience taught me some people, probably of the psychopath variety, can't change.


My Father, the one I'm feeling stuck with, isn't physically abusive. He's emotionally abusive. I've tried to get through to him that his behavior and actions hurt me emotionally. To quote his own words on the subject, 'I don't give a F what other people think.' All while looking me dead in the eye as I'm crying right in front of him after he hurt me once again.


My own emotional state. Well, I'm 32, was widowed at 24. That by itself broke me. I have absolutely no friends or family to turn to for help. NONE. Not a single individual exists. And, well I've def had better days. At least I think so, it's been so long since I was genuinely happy I don't know if i remember what happy is. Was I ever even happy? I think so. I have depression pretty bad these days, I won't lie- these thoughts have turned very dark in the past. I've got a handle on the worst of it right now. I do know this about myself, I can't be the one to do this. I literally don't have it in me- I'm not capable.


Dad's issues. Right now he's on medicaid and has mostly benign skin cancer, spiraling type 2 diabetes (because he absolutely will not care for himself at all, he won't even check his blood sugar) and he has chronic heart failure. So heart disease, cancer, diabetes. The trifecta. He's already had to have cancerous growths removed and relied on me to bandage him- even thought I know damn good and well he didn't need me- and he only forced it on me to exert yet more control and act as a some sort of guilt trip evidence of why he needs me.


He is not incapable. He still works, he can still walk, he still knows how to not burn down the house. He's never not mooched off other people, now he's doing it to me and further emotionally ruining me to boot.


Its baffling to me. He berates me, tells me I need to get out more. So I get out more and he punishes me for it. 'Where were you?!' He'll say. He won't take his keys with him when he leaves for work, on purpose. 'I don't want to forget them somewhere' he says. (which is dumb, because we have spares) So I'm simply expected to always be here, any time of the day or night. So when he's all drunk at 4am I can let him in. (Which is exactly what happened an hour ago) I can't date, I can't go hang out with friends. Not that I have any, anymore.


I'm pretty much at my wits end here. Just leaving is seeming like more and more the most viable option. I know that filial laws in my state are not likely to pursue me because of my nearly non existent income (zero assets or savings too) and the fact that I was an abused and neglected child.


Why haven't I just left? Guilt. There's also still a little girl inside of me who is desperately wishing she had parents that didn't suck. I keep trying to make it work. Then there's the reality, I think he'll do something stupid or drastic rather than take responsibility for himself. The elec is in my name, and God even the idea of broaching the topic of switching it to his causes me so much anxiety. Because I know it's going to cause an argument, and he's going to go all 'you don't love me' or 'your being selfish'.


And the truth is I want to, I really do, but how I can love someone who's STILL hurting me so much? I'm in so much pain all the time, literal pain, deep in my chest and it never ends. So what do I do? What are my realistic options?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Thank you everyone, for helping me see what the only real option was. I think I knew that when I posted here. I talked to him and it was not great, he did indeed go to a very dark place right away when I told him I was going to be leaving. But it doesn't change anything, I'm still leaving. I've got a place lined up I think, still being confirmed but its looking promising. Thank you again everyone for just telling me exactly what I needed to hear so I could change my life for the better. I'm def an emotional wreck still, but I'm solid in my conviction now, I can see it for what it is now and I'm not going to keep putting myself in this position. And I'm absolutely going to seek some sort of counseling or therapy.
Helpful Answer (27)
Report
Davina Jul 30, 2019
Hope you keep us posted. All the best to you--xxxooo!
(7)
Report
See 2 more replies
Dear Sad Sammy,
I just joined this forum today, and it is likely to respond to you.

One doesn't have "perspective" unless it is from AFAR. I left home at 15 because of one abusive parent, a mother who is now nearly 90, and I have come "home" to help. But while she is away... I am remodeling her home for safety, putting a 30$ bidet washer on the john, threw away all toxins, bought sensitive soap for her ailing skin and a better air conditioner, etc. And I know I MUST LEAVE within 2 days of her arrival. Why? I will become horribly depressed.
And be useless to anyone, including myself. She says things like, "you have never held a job and have never worked a day in your life amounted to nothing." (I have had many jobs as an independent journalist, have 3 masters degrees and raised a child on my own.) And within days I start believing her. That I am worthless unless I LISTEN TO HER. (her goal.) And now that she has dementia a bit, I cant "listen to her advice." And I never could. I really had no functioning mother, as she never "saw" me.

Why I am writing... you cant "see you" in such a household. All that clutters your mind and your possible path to a future meaningful to you.

Imagine yourself in a place with a sweet roommate, or even a room of yur own with NO ONE asking you for obligitory labor, and some time to actually read a book. If you want to assess your actual skills (I am sure these have been belittled) try "what color is your parachute" as if you can stand to do all that while holding a job, you likely are capable of handling and enjoying an even better job, when you DONT have to handle all that as well.

Life starts anew daily. When you dont have all these terrible examples of how to care for yourself, you can also begin caring for yourself, your own body better.

When you feel sh*tty, start gently tapping your own chest. It is part of EFT, self mothering, and just getting yourself back to the present reality, and it lets yourself know that you are capable of "self soothing."

Once you have your new apartment, room, share, (only with super KIND people!)
take long mineral salt baths, listen to soothing upbeat music and calm your nervous system down, and realize YOU ARE SAFE. A decade or two of "not feeling safe or loved is enough to kill you. REalize that too.

And also that there are things like this in the world..
https://www.chamonix.com/cosmojazz-festival,41-4968610-138912,en.html

High altitude jazz concerts, and all sorts of lovely things.. that you cant even imagine when you are staring at and making the people who dont respect you and your gifts as mirrors.

Here is my mirror. You are worthy, You are caring. You don't deserve any of this crap and your caring wont make them change. Your leaving might.

Take great and impeccable care of yourself and be a great example to those who CARE.

Love,
elise
Helpful Answer (26)
Report
silverlining44 Aug 1, 2019
Elise, what a wonderful response! my stress level went down just reading it!

"Life starts anew daily. When you dont have all these terrible examples of how to care for yourself, you can also begin caring for yourself, your own body better." Very powerful words! And your response in general. I'm going to print it out for me because I personally need it right now.

SadSammy, please know that by posting your question, you are helping others who also have suffered - or are in the midst of suffering. And that you aren't alone.
(4)
Report
Sadsammy, I think that you are finally in enough pain to make meaningful changes. Today is the 1st day of the rest of your life.

Your dad doesn't need care. He wants a mommy or wife and you have worked great for that. No options for a full grown male except for him to put his big boy pants on and man up.

You are NEVER going to have parents that give a rats tail about you, stop torturing yourself with the lies that you can do something to change that fact. You can't, you didn't make them this way and they are happy being abusive psychopaths. They will never love you the way you desire, they aren't capable of loving anyone.

You don't stop loving your parents, you stop letting them tear you down and destroy you. You stop being in the line of fire for their abuse.

Your dad doesn't need you and that means you can walk. You are not in a position that some are, because their parents are so ill that they can't leave without making arrangements or they could go to jail. Leave before it gets to that point.

If having a heart attack didn't open your dads eyes, nothing will. He is happy making you miserable and controlling you and playing mind f@#$ games with you. Nothing about that says love or care.

I beg you to pack your bags and get to a battered women's shelter. They will help you build a life away from your abuser. You don't ever have to talk to him again until you are strong enough to not be destroyed by his hatefulness and that is all you are getting from him and most likely all you will ever get. He has made you his little housewife, you may not be sexually used that way but everything he forces you to do, like stay home all day, is what a jealous husband enforces on his wife. Can't let you get strong and healthy because he will loose his pissing post and cook, housekeeper etc. It is sick beyond anything you can see right now because you are too busy trying to make this male you call dad love and accept you. Enough already.

Get your stuff, everything that means anything to you and get out of there, don't ever go back. Get to a women's shelter today and start healing the heart that those b@st@rds have destroyed. Never look back, remember he doesn't give a f what anyone thinks. You are included in this anyone.

If you don't get out now you could be stuck for decades and people like your dad tend to live very long lives. Go figure. You matter and you don't deserve to be his doormat. I would leave him a note that says goodbye so he isn't calling the police, but you don't owe him any explanation or loyalty and you surely don't owe him the courtesy of a notice. That would just create more problems and believe me, he knows you and how to control you better then you know yourself. Just leave, no warning, no notice and no regrets. Save yourself before you become a statistic.

Parents that use their messed up childhoods as an excuse to hurt their own children are an abomination, if anything they should want to save their own children from the misery they themselves lived through. It is the worse excuse I have ever heard and it doesn't give them a free pass to do it to someone else.

Please get out before it is too late.
Helpful Answer (25)
Report
Sadsammy Jul 29, 2019
Thank you so much for taking the time to write me. I'm leaving. I'm def leaving one way or another. I think I got a plan coming together. I really don't know why I let it go on this long.
(12)
Report
See 1 more reply
SadSammy; why can't you leave?

Your dad has a job. He chooses not to be a responsible human being because you are laying down in front of him saying " step on me".

Give yourself a deadline. Say " by September 1, I will be in my own place". Break down the steps you need to take and set this in motion.
Helpful Answer (22)
Report
Sadsammy Jul 29, 2019
I know I can now. I'm obviously not miraculously healed in the hours since I posted this. But you are all right. I'm thinking two weeks or so, I'm waiting to hear back from some ppl to see. I reached out to my boss and his family, even if that doesn't work I'll find a way out, even if it means going to a shelter.
(12)
Report
What you feel as guilt isn't really. It is the child trying to earn the love of a parent who has no love to give. One of my dearest friends deals with this. I have met said parents, and told her she owes them nothing. If anything they owe her a life, an education, safety and security. They only way to get those things now is to stay away from them. If they die faster for lack of care so what. The truth is they have money, and they like to dangle potential inheritance to try to force her to "come back" to them but they won't leave it to her anyway. Her siblings cut them off and she should too.
Even the best of parents are difficult when they decline medically and emotionally, and we sometimes have to distance ourselves. (Human sacrifice is illegal in this country you know.) You deserve a life. You made an effort to take care of your parents and it didn't work because they won't let you. This will never change, so stop trying. Dad is better off without you, because he won't feel like such a sh*t all the time. Maybe he just wants to speed up his inevitable demise and you are stopping him?
One final word about guilt: it is a worthless and damaging emotion. If you have remorse, act on it and do those things you wish you had done. If not, apologize to yourself for trying too hard and making yourself miserable; now give yourself permission to have a safe, comfortable life and exclude those who try to sabotage you.
Helpful Answer (22)
Report
cherokeegrrl54 Jul 30, 2019
Excellent advice!!
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
Your post is very upsetting, I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. My mother is a very toxic human being, her entire life has been about Boys, Booze and Bowling. She is an alcoholic, abusive bitch. I went no contact with her 8 years ago after she told me and my brother to go "F" ourselves and that we were useless, on Christmas Eve no less. This is not the first time that I have gone no contact, previously for 9 years and 4 years. The happiest times of my adult life. She is now 94, lives by herself in the mountain area of NC, she refuses to go into AL, she refuses to move closer to us, she refuses home help, no matter what it is she refuses to do it. My brother calls her weekly and visits her for a few days once a year, that is it, no one else in the family speaks to her, her brother has not spoken to her for at least 30 years, her sister 20. He like my mother is a master manipulator, a toxic person who does not and never will appreciate you, that is who he is...believe him. Me, I'd let him go now, he is still capable of managing his life, you are young, you do not deserve or need this in your life. Trust me when I say he will continue to get worse, not better, the older he gets the more hateful he will become. Don't give up your peace and happiness for this man. Life is a song worth singing....sing it!
Helpful Answer (19)
Report
Sadsammy Jul 29, 2019
You are right. I just needed the perspective of others to see clearly. I'm getting out of this, I don't know 100% what the path forward is, but I know that staying here isn't living. Thank you for reaching out.
(12)
Report
Run, dont walk, away as fast as you can go!!! No way should you feel ANY guilt for going no contact with someone who is telling you he cares not one iota for you as a person and a daughter......please get into counseling to get thru the guilt feelings and to learn that YOU matter and YOU deserve a healthy happy life. Not to be mean, but pull up your big girl panties and take the bull by the horns and heal yourself through counseling, healthy eating and exercise......will help so much to get thru depression.....ive been in that black hole before and still have an off day now and then.....much love and healing blessings coming to you in this difficult time.....YOU CAN DO THIS!!!💖
Helpful Answer (18)
Report
Sadsammy Jul 29, 2019
Thank you so much! And you are right. Idk why I let it get to this point. I guess some feeling of obligation or something like that. I'm going to get out of this.
(9)
Report
You have received good advice, I just want to touch on one comment you made. You stated that you have no one to turn to. There is always somewhere to turn.

Most communities have Women Against Violence Against Women WAVAW organizations. They are there to support women who are in and or leaving abusive relationships. The abuse does not have to be physical or sexual to be eligible for their services. Often they run shelters and have resources to help a women get back up on her feet.

There are Crisis Lines you can call day and night for support.

Lastly, when an abusive parents does say “I love you.” It does not ring true as people do not do horrible things to those they love. This I know from personal experience.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
Sadsammy Jul 29, 2019
Yes everyone here has been very helpful, I've started reaching out. I reached out to my boss, he sounds like he's going to help and I'll be moving in a week or so. If that doesn't work, I'll be moving on to a shelter and start from scratch there. I guess was in denial about it being abuse until this morning when I made the post.
(10)
Report
(っಠ‿ಠ)っHugs to everyone! Once again thank you everyone, honestly you don't know how much strength I've gained from everyone's words. I wish I could edit my original post to make it easier for updates. But basically this is the deal, i'm def leaving on the 12th, went and picked up my ticket yesterday from the bus station. He hasn't done anything stupid, and I don't think he will at this point. He says he's dealing. I've already spoken to my land lord, and gotten the utilities out of my name. So everything is looking to be on the up and up.

I'm, so much better already. When I sleep now, its like the first real sleep I've had in seven years. It really is just committing to change your fate isn't it? The knot that had buried itself into my chest doesn't hurt as much. I won't be using this large step forward as an excuse to not get therapy tho, I know I need it.

As for those who are posting in a similar situation. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you. I know intimately how hard it is. My advice, which may not be very useful since I'm still in the middle of my own hurricane, just get some perspective. Talk to people who aren't involved and don't know, sometimes the wisdom of strangers is invaluable. At least that's my anecdotal experience. I know we are all unique and have our own set of circumstances. I wish the best of luck to each of you.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
Ljanoe Aug 1, 2019
Wonderful to hear Sammy! Please keep us posted on your progress. I especially want to hear when you are safely away. You sound so much clearer. Even though there will be ups and downs,you have made your decision and begun the steps to creating a beautiful new life.
(2)
Report
See 4 more replies
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. Sounds like you also have some PTSD from your childhood and losing your spouse. I think the first thing you need to do is get yourself a good counselor that will help you see YOUR VALUE as an independent person. You have been ripped to shreds, and you are emotionally stuck as the little girl who still needs her parents approval. Unfortunately you will NEVER get that, because they are broken people and are not capable of giving it. You need to get your approval from YOURSELF, because YOU ARE WORTH IT. You need to learn how to love yourself. Then start planning your exit strategy. And expect push-back. Abusers and people who emotionally manipulate others get REALLY MAD when their victims grow a backbone and erect firm boundaries. Do you own your home? If so have HIM evicted. You can be kind and find him some options, but that is not necessary--it just may help you live with yourself. Then give a hard and fast date where he needs to be out. If you rent, put him on the lease and remove yourself. Then YOU LEAVE and don't leave a forwarding address. You can choose at future time to contact him, or not. That is your perogative. As a mom who has dealt with abusive parents and come through to the other side, I just want to gather you up and hug you and tell you YOU ARE WORTH IT, YOU CAN DO IT. There is life on the other side. Good life. (((((HUGS)))))
Helpful Answer (14)
Report
cherokeegrrl54 Aug 1, 2019
Amen to every word!!! Well stated💖
(1)
Report
See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter