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**Long Essay Here**


I am a pre-med student caring for my disabled mother.


Back in 2015 I was accepted into a early college for my academics, I decided give that up and stay home to help take care of my ill mother. Instead of things changing, she got worse with the verbal abuse. My childhood wasn't that great. (Both parents were emotionally abusive, trauma--) I had been a part-time caregiver since age eleven. The real work didn't start till age 13.


I am 19 now and things are not so great. My mother recently went into the hospital and things went down hill. She's now in a rehabilitation home for occupational and physical therapy. My father and I couldn't really do anything. (I feel like sh*t. Even though she volunteered to go.) For the past 5 days, she's been at my throat non-stop. She even embarassed me in the hospital telling everyone how "dumb, ignorant, and useless" I was to her. She said I no longer loved her. And that I was going to let the nurse staff kill her. (She said I was trying to kill her back in 2015. I caught pure hell those 4 weeks.) This weekend, she called my uncles and aunts crying and saying "No one is trying to help her and she has to help her self." She proceeded to say that I threw her away. I didn't want to be around. I was adding onto her problems and that I need to exist anymore.


My father tried to calm me down by saying "You did nothing wrong. She's just sick right now."


What makes it worse is that her family members think that I'm not caring for her. And she goes and does this.


I think it's time that I let go. It's gotten to the point that I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. My doctor even told me that the emotional stress is causing my body to react physically (w.e that means.) *shrug*


Has anyone gone through this? If yes, how did you get through it?


I really want to live my life and not be afraid of losing everything for being selfish. I want my mother to stop treating me this way. I want my family to think better of me.


As for myself, I think loving and letting go is best. I may be wrong.

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Hi lady, sorry my answer is late, I hope you still see this. I am 36, and my family dynamic is just like yours. My whole life has been filled with emotional abuse. I echo the earlier point of writing the family a letter explaining the reality of the situation and all that you have done. Verbal talk no, as that opens the door for them to question you or berate you. I would include in the letter that you do not want to expect a reply from them, you are simply setting the record straight for their own awareness. My next advice is STRONG — you have to remove yourself. I spent so many years in therapy learning the tools to be able to set boundaries and I totally get it...it is HARD. But once you do, you will ultimately feel so so free. You need to focus on school, it sounds like you have so much going for you and you CANNOT give that up since you have the rest of your life with the results of your decisions now. It is not in your control to change how your mom acts, how your dad rationalizes the deplorable behavior, how your extended family views you. You CAN control how much you allow yourself to be affected by the situation and you CAN control your reaction and choices to each action they subject you to. I know you will feel guilty bc I’ve been there...but it is vital that you flip the script on your mom and show her than you will no longer allow her to be so nasty and unappreciative toward you. You must go to school, focus on class, call both parents to lend emotional support to your father and still keep in contact with your mother, but via the phone so you can simply hang up the line when her behavior gets bad. I really feel for you.
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Mom is Dads responsibility. You don't say what Mom's illness is. If mental, nothing you can do. Its time for you to go on with your life. I think you have paid your dues. Go to college. Find a job there. Come home when you feel you can. You are going to have to learn to bite your tongue. You need to be the mature one and walk away when Mom gets started. Just say, sorry you feel that way.

Believe me, you will get more comments.
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This is just a suggestion, which depends on you having just a little bit more strength to keep going for a little while. It sounds from your post as if your ‘family’ who should be thinking better of you, are the brothers and sisters of your mother, and perhaps your cousins. My suggestion is that you write a letter to each of them individually explaining your problems in a fair bit of detail, and your feeling that you are on the brink of giving up and walking away. Make it snail mail - you can get copies, with a short introductory hand written personal note to each one. Ask them if they think that you have actually been doing anything wrong, and if they have any suggestions for how the situation could be managed in a workable way. Discuss it with your father, but make it your letter about your problems.

This will probably result in those family members having a major discussion among themselves, and someone contacting you in a week or two to talk it through.

The best option is of course that they tell you that you have been wonderful and suggest a way to handle the situation that lets you off the hook. Even if that doesn’t happen, it will cover your back and should help the family situation in the longer term. The problem with all these nasty stories is that they usually sound almost plausible, and the people who aren’t closely involved don’t know that they are way off the mark. The letter should mean that the family members look a lot more closely, and have more understanding even if they can’t provide answers.

If you could get this together, and wait a month for results, if could help your family to think better of you, even if it doesn’t change the way your mother treats you.

Best wishes.
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