I'm twenty nine years old, and have been the "primary" (most of the time, only) caretaker for my elderly grandmother for thirteen years.
My mom died when I was pretty young and my grandmother basically raised me. As such, when her health started declining, the majority of it fell on me. I ended up dropping out of school and getting my GED so I could care for her. I've only ever worked part time to take care of her. I've not been able to maintain any friendships or romantic relationships because I just don't have time. Every year, the job becomes more demanding.
Nobody will step in and help, and the few times they do, it's reluctantly and they do the absolute bare minimum. I have a really hard time not feeling angry at the rest of my family, because I've put my entire life on hold and they can't put one day of plans on hold. I'll be thirty soon and I have no savings, no friends, nothing going for me.. And yet they can't skip bowling one weekend so I can work an extra shift over the weekend and maybe not be broke for a couple of weeks.
As for my grandmother, I love her but she's always been an extremely negative person. She says terrible things and then denies saying it within the same sentence. This started far before her memory issues began. As her health and mind has declined, this kind of thing went from an occasional thing to every single day. I couldn't find the specific model flashlight she wanted at the store today, and she has been going off on me about it literally all day. There's nothing I can say to make it right. I told her I would keep looking or order it online if I had to, and she still thinks I'm conspiring to keep her from getting the flashlight she wants or something.
I'm tired. I sleep less than five hours every night. I'm out of patience. Nobody cares, so I'll never get any help.
She had a bad experience at a nursing home, and she thinks I'm the one trying to put her into one, when in reality I'm the only reason she isn't in one. I'll never bring this up against her, but nobody else is going to lift a finger for her, and if I left, she'd by in a nursing home by the end of the week.
I know she loves me, but I'm out of patience. I can't live with her anymore, much less take care of her. I cannot do this anymore. I'm almost 30 and haven't lived my life at all. Even if I walked away right now, my life is ruined. I'll never have a normal life. Yet everyone around me calls me lazy and acts like I'm entitled any time I need anything.
I'm out of patience. I cannot do this anymore and yet I cannot escape. I have a very small amount of savings, not really enough to do anything with, but I'm thinking of just packing whatever I can into a bag and living on the streets. Burnout is a tiny word to describe what this is.
If I hear one more word about this stupid flashlight, I'm gone.
Am I really such a monster for wanting to live my life?
Cut those family members off too.
As long as you are their solution, there will be no other solution.
See if you can couch surf somewhere.
Stay here and read a while. You will learn that throwing your life on the trashheap will not get thanks from anyone, and least of all from your grandmother, who won't be happy whereEVER she is.
There is no reason you should sacrifice the youth of your time to an old woman on her funeral pyre. You need to be honest with her that you cannot care for her, that you need now an education, a job, your own home and your own family and your own children and your own life. That she must go into care for the last years of her life.
This is up to you. This is YOUR choice. This choice isn 't in the hands of your grandmother or other members of your family.
No one can save you but yourself.
If you require counseling please seek some out.
There is a solution but you have to accept it as such.
Ditto to you need to physically get out of that house. Call and tell any family member local to your Grandma that you are done. If they (not you) aren't able to find a care solution within the family then they need to talk to social services for their county/APS and get her on their radar as a vulnerable adult.
This is NOT abandonment. That's a word that might get tossed around when someone tries to manipulate you. You have no legal responsibility here.
Try to be out before you break the news, otherwise they might zoom over there to talk you out of it. Once you leave, let all calls go to voicemail and screen them at the end of the day. Don't wait around to "see what happens". You need to couch surf with a safe person for a while, or at a church or shelter, etc. If you talk to the other relatives they will be desperate and negotiate with you and make promises that they won't keep.
Look for section 8 housing (through the county) and look for a full-time job. Yes, it will be rocky for a while and then things will improve. If you stay, then nothing will ever change until your Grandma passes and that can be a long while from now.
You are correct that you are in burn out. You need to save yourself because no one else is going to do it for you. You're not wrong *at all* for wanting out and starting your life. Don't feel guilty. The people who should feel guilty is your family.
I wish you all the best as you break free and peace in your heart over this decision.
Well then? What are you waiting for?
OP could see if her state has programs that help with grandma while she can have a life.
Don't choose the streets though. Take as many shifts at the job you have that they will give you. If your grandmother's house is your legal residence no one can just throw you out. You would have to be legally evicted and that will give you some time to save money and make plans.
When it's time for you to go to work, drop your grandmother off on the doorstep of one of her kids. Ring the bell then leave. They will have no choice but to take her in. Let them, figure out what to do with her. If they refuse, drop her off at a hospital ER, ask for a 'Social Admit', then give the nurse the contact info of her children.
There are many reasons why adult children will not help out with caregiving of their parents and none of these reasons apply to you since you're not one of her kids. You are a grandchild. Your only real responsibility to her is to call APS.
The family is not going to help you especially if your grandmother owns the home she lives in. They have an unpaid care slave who's on duty 24/7/365 that keeps grandma out of a care facility. They don't want the status quo to change because you're preserving their future inheritance. Most likely you will get nothing anyway when grandma passes so don't keep this ridiculous situation going.
In the meantime you will have to learn how to ignore your grandmother's asinine nonsense like with the flashlight. I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and am now in the business of it. Also, for a time one to my elderly mother with a long history of undiagnosed and misdiagnosed mental illness. I would not have lasted in it so long if I didn't know how to ignore.
Don't fight with her for any reason. DO NOT cater to her in any way. If you allow yourself to get dragged down one of her dementia rabbit holes of insanity like trying to track down a flashlight brand or else, it will only make it harder for you. It will also encourage more of this behavior.
For example, if she can't find something and accuses you of stealing it. You tell her once or twice that you did not and then you completely ignore any further discussion about it. If she complains, just ignore her. As for your family, ignore them too. Enough is enough.
Reach out to the shelters to check on temp housing. Call the battered womans shelter to see if they have housing suggestions. Rent a room from someone. Couch surf. At 29 people are always looking for roommates.
If you are a guy sleep in your car and get a gym membership to shower.
Talk to people at the churches.
Give your family 2 weeks notice that you are moving on.
Get a 40 hour week job doing almost anything. Keep showing up.
Best of luck to you.
Who is calling you lazy? Your aunt(s) or uncles(s)? They can get off their a**es and get grandma into memory care where she will be safe. Is she alone while you work? No judgment on you AT ALL for that question. Think of it this way. You love your grandmother, you want her to be safe. This is not a job for one person. It's unsustainable. You are no longer qualified for this job. The requirements have changed. That's not your fault.
Onto you. Think of 30 as a new beginning! It will take time to rebuild. But time is going to pass anyway. Is there a coworker's couch you can sleep on? Then you can move on to renting a room etc.
Follow Geaton's advice about notifying family you are done and to call Adult Protective Services if they can't come to a care solution. Call them yourself if necessary.
Wishing you the strength to make the break and save yourself.
No life is normal, but you can have what feels right for you. You just have to work towards it.
You're not selfish for wanting your own life, but you will have to work on not feeling selfish. You are conditioned to feel that way by the pattern of your life since your mid teens. It will take courage to reclaim your life.
Right now, you are an assistant to your grandmother's life, rather than a main player in your own life. It's time for you to hand your notice in and walk away.
There is nothing you can do to make your grandmother happy and content, so stop wasting your time and energy by trying.
Your grandmother has had her life, whereas your life has barely begun. That's where you need to direct your energy.
You may have some false starts and the occasional set-back, but just keep the forward momentum going, and things will get better.
Ask for help and also look out for any counselling available. If the latter is too hard to come by, there is help online. Just avoid anything that seems too good to be true because they are - they're just scams(such as "manifesting destiny" or "law of attraction”).
Look at the real credentials of anyone who is offering self-help advice, and look at the output of trusted institutions and mental health charities.
Look into building your resilience and about how to create healthy boundaries.
Good luck!
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