My mom is and has always been a mean person. She lives in my home I inherited in one town and my husband lives in another town an hour away. I live primarily with my mom. She most likely has dementia, but she has always been very difficult, mean person. She will be fine one moment and then she changes. Every.single.day she doesn’t feel good. It has been this way for years. I have been apart from my husband for most of the past 6 years taking care of family an hour away. (My aunt, my dad, my mom). Two years ago, I developed PTSD as a result of caregiving strain and lost my job of 25 years. I now make half the money I used to make. I still miss it so much.
My husband never calls me or talks to me unless it is a complaint. He is angry and resentful and has given me an ultimatum to come home or divorce.
The only true help I have with my mom is my dad. They have been divorced for 39 years. He stays overnight so I can come home a day or two a month.
I WORK FULL TIME from home. It is a fast paced, incredibly demanding job with strict rules. I can’t get my mom to stop coming in my room while I am working or changing clothes or even in the bathroom! She REFUSES to observe boundaries. She could cost me my job and does not care!! She tells me that I selfish and only care about MY needs. She has yelled at me for ignoring her while I am talking to a patient. She cant afford AL and she does not qualify for NH care.
I am the one who is falling apart. I feel homeless and lost. I had therapy for years but can no longer pay for it. Everyone told me to not move her in to my house. I did the only thing I knew to do because she could no longer live alone.
Advice please? Thank you!
Who says mom can't live alone?
I would leave and then call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult.
Your marriage comes first!
My dear, that is not how life works. You have a spouse because you wanted companionship, sharing life's joys and sorrows, someone whose hand you can hold in the darkest of nights. If you don't intend to return to being a live-in spouse, tell husband, get a divorce, get your money out of the marriage, live in your own house with Mean Mom, lose your job (again) because of her, and see it through to the bitter end when she dies with the last words coming out of her mouth being "You're selfish!" That's one option.
Another is to hightail it back to husband, apologize profusely, and get into counseling with him. Alert APS to a vulnerable elder living alone, stand back and let them take charge of Mean Mom. They'll know how to handle her. Sell your own house in that town so you won't be tempted to move back into it, then use some of the money to take you and husband on a nice vacation to Hawaii where maybe (?) you'll rediscover why you married each other.
Mom can't change it, husband can't change it, so if you want change, it has to come from you. Good luck in making that happen.
YOU have made the choice to leave your family to care for a person that is seems not to appreciate what you are doing.
LEAVE your mother. If she can not care for herself notify APS that she is a vulnerable Senior that needs care. That is is not safe for her to live alone.
If your dad wants to step in and care for her that is up to him.
You tell him that you are done and that you will no longer care for her.
If the house you have inherited is not one that you and your family want to live in get it ready to sell or rent it for income (being a landlord is almost as difficult as being a caregiver so be prepared)
Reclaim your life.
I mean really....what is wrong with you? Of course you're "falling apart." Who wouldn't be when one has such screwed up priorities?
Or was it your husband that you were wanting to get away from at the beginning, so you opted to live with your mom an hour away? Surely it would have been easier to just divorce him 6 years ago if that was your intent.
But if you still love your husband and want to salvage what little is left of your messed up marriage then, tell mom TODAY that you are going back home where you belong and that she will either have to pay for full-time in-home help for herself or move into an assisted living facility. Period, end of sentence.
And until your mom decides what she wants to do, you call APS and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves, and let them come in and take over her care.
You and only you have made the choice to care for your mom and neglect your husband/marriage, so sadly you only have yourself to blame.
So if you truly want things to change, you're going to have to put your big girl panties on, quit being the victim, and start taking responsibility for the poor choices you have made so you can hopefully get this one life you have back on track.
You owe your mom NOTHING, as in NOTHING!!! But you do owe your husband and marriage a whole lot, so start getting your priorities in order before it's too late.
Before that my Aunt who I loved like a mom died from cancer in 2019. I moved to her home in 2020 during the pandemic after she passed away. My husband was driving me crazy making noise when I was trying to work. I wanted to come home 2 years ago but he said I could not bring my cat. Our church friends said that I should just show up with my cat anyway.
From 2019 to 2024 my dad has had 2 surgeries that went wrong and multiple life threatening health problems. In 2021 my mom, dad, and brother almost died from different heart problems consecutively within a 3 month period.
It was actually easier to live there than to drive back and forth everyday.
I came home for the weekend to a spring bbq with church friends. She has called twice and I left them go to voicemail. I finally called her and she was her usual “cheerful” self. Yelling at me telling me how bad she feels and saying she is going to call the humane society and I told her to go ahead (my dad is getting cat food).
Divorce yourself from mom and go back to your husband.
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