I’m the oldest child and have always been the one to look after mom. My younger sister is practically useless and has not offered to help me during my mom's current situation. I moved my mom in with me and my husband in February because her husband of 4 years was not taking care of her properly. Since then he filed for divorce and is demanding she pay him spousal support and carry life insurance on herself. She only gets $1,450 month Social Security and has no assets. He receives $1,900 Social Security, a pension, rental income and owns two homes outright with cash in the bank, stocks and an IRA. I had to borrow the money for an attorney $5k (Oregon Bar Association modest means program) to respond to his ridiculous demands. He put all her belongings in the garage of which my son and I had to go through to collect her personal items and keepsakes. But the kicker is my sister has refused to help me care for my mom (I work full time, she doesn't work) or pitch in for the attorney. I am on FMLA leave from work and just started receiving a little money from the states Paid Family Leave program which only pays a maximum 12 weeks. I have been off work caring for our mom 24/7 since 2/21/25. My sister demands that I let her talk to mom and keep her informed, but without providing any help. My mom has had 2 strokes, broken her wrist and collar bone, multiple bowel blockage resulting in surgery, an aortic aneurysm in her stomach and an aneurysm in her neck resulting in 2 major surgeries, COPD, early signs of dementia, short term memory loss and esophageal cancer. I have been with her for all of it. I take her to every appointment, manage her finances, and get her whatever she needs. My mom and I have a very strained relationship. I learned last year through a DNA test that my father was not my biological father (I'm 61 now). He passed away in 2005 and I don’t think he knew. My sister also has a different father, but our dad knew she wasn’t his because he told her when she was 18. My mom is a habitual liar and I never know if what she's telling me is the truth. I have sacrificed a lot to help my mom, but it never is enough. She is very selfish and childlike, and demanding at times. I can no longer have a meaningful conversation with her because she is unable to relate or remember what we discuss. I’m doing my very best to make her comfortable and provide for her but I'm losing myself in the process. My stress, anxiety and worry about finances, the outcome of her divorce, and how I'm going to manage returning to work is consuming me. I’m tired 😫 and frustrated. God help me.
Angmaria, could you give us an update?
You should not be spending your money on your mother . You also can’t force your sister to help with care or to pay for an attorney . Start the Medicaid process for Mom . Seek the help of a Medicaid planner . Call the County Office of Aging for help they can provide in this situation .
Your second mistake is expecting your sister to give up her life to help you and your mom. Just because you chose to do that doesn't mean that she has to.
Neither of you are responsible for your mom or her care, so your next step should be looking into getting her placed in the appropriate facility. And if money is an issue you'll have to apply for Medicaid for her.
Something needs to change soon and only you have the power to make the changes necessary to get your life back.
I wish you well in doing just that.
As for you, you are doing this to yourself, no one has forced you to care for your mother and I do not really understand why you are doing what you are doing, let alone give $5,000 to an attorney, the divorce is her problem not yours.
Find out about section 8 housing for low income ppl like her who have serious medical issues.
The ball is in your court, time to stop what you are doing and get on with your life.
Contraire about going to the divorce lawyer about the mother's divorce. As the legal spouse, she may be entitled to some things. Eventhough at her age she's on Medicare, her husband may be obligated to pay her Medicare premiums and to carry her on his insurance for the portion Medicare doesn't cover. It would be worth it for the OP to consult a divorce lawyer for her mother.
Second, you pay for NOTHING. Your mother is still legally entitled to spend money from joint accounts she has with her husband.
Your mother belongs in a nursing home now. That's it. Find her one. She needs a professional staff to care for her now. Also, her husband may be on the hook to pay for some of her care. Please consult a divorce lawyer.
give your sibling notice that this situation is affecting you physically and emotionally and most importantly FINANCIALLY and that you will not be doing this anymore.
You need to work so you can take care of yourself when you’re old. Don’t expect anyone to be there for you.
You need to think this through and figure out your exit strategy.
It is not a sibling's responsibility to step into the role of caretaker if the OP intends to quit (they are not the OP's understudy) yet as a measure of good communication the OP could inform the sibling of intention to quit.
It is also not the OP's responsibility to house, financially support & provide hands-on care.
So again yes to an exit strategy.
You each have made different decisions about "What to do about Mom".
I think your sister made the right decision based on being able to survive and thrive.
First of all, in any divorce court, no one without assets will be adjudged to pay spousal support to someone with more income than herself. So attorney or not, that wouldn't happen, and were she to be assigned to pay spousal support and didn't pay it, then she would not be jailed.
And were she in care, where she BELONGS with several shifts of several workers each shift, ALL of her SS would go to that Nursing Home. And there would BE no money to pay any spouse.
So this spouse of four years is simply making idle threats.
Back to you. You will give up your entire LIFE? Your job??? To care for, free of charge, a thankless woman? Really? And you feel qualified to do this? And will use up all your money to do it? WHY? Because of a genetic accident of birth?
Your mother belongs in care.
You are enabling her to avoid this, and you are throwing your own life on her burning funeral pyre by your own choice. It will be a VERY SLOW BURN.
This sounds brutal, but quite honestly, I think that your sister made the wiser choice.
That said, you have made your OWN CHOICE.
And that is what you must continue to do in life now. You can explain to your mother that you are not qualified to, equipped to, nor FREE to spend 24/7 caring for her. Therefore, she needs now to enter the care of a nursing home.
She should be, if required, in the care of the state for guardianship and appointment of a fiduciary. If you have taken on POA in all of this, you should resign it now and call in APS. All of that divorce nonsense will be a thing of the past at that first moment.
What you are describing is not doable. It is an impossible situation. Not sustainable. You are not qualified to attempt what you are attempting. You are trying to save a drowning person who will take you down with her.
I can only suggest that you call APS and tell them you cannot manage this situation.
Call your sister and let her know she was ALWAYS RIGHT. Neither of you are ever going to hear from your mother what any child NEEDS to hear which is "You are a good kid, and I love you". Ask your sister to help you extricate yourself from this thankless situation.
Or stay in it. But if you DO stay, understand that it is your CHOICE. You are not a shackled slave. You are a human being with a full right to your own happy life. Your sister has claimed hers. I hope that you will claim yours.
I am sorry. I am sorry. Truly, much as I know it doesn't sound so, I am so SORRY. Your mother was born with limitation that prevented her being a decent Mom. You shouldn't have to wait until she DIES to have a decent life you make for yourself.