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I have 2 parents: My mom is 70, my dad is 80. My Dad has parkinsons disease, osterporious and other health problems, My mom has bad back issues and clinical depression.


Until of last month, I was coming over every now and then to help them with cleaning and other things. Last month, My dad fell and broke his hip. Then my mother blacked out afterwards (Due to her meds for an another health problem). Both of them were hospitalized. My dad got a new hip and the doctor sent him to a rehab facility. My mother ended up going off the drug, due to doctor's orders and then was released. I spent three days with my mother afterwards. I cancelled a vacation in order to tend to them for a spell: My other siblings couldn't do it because of living in different locations and their jobs.


My mother recently got a compressed fracture due to a chair collasping on her at home. She was sleeping in it (She has a sleeping issue, along with anxiety and worrying). She is lonely and depressed. She is having problems walking and doing things. I have been keeping in touch with her by phone and I visited her a couple times since the last time I spent the night at her house. She asked me to come over for a couple of nights and I told her I couldn't do it (The reason was I have a hard time sleeping at their house, I am not used to it). I asked her if friends could come over and spend the night with her, she said 'They won't do that". She told what happened to my Dad and he was upset.


Today, my mother and I reached an agreement that I was to come over once a week and spend one night with her. If things went okay sleep wise, then It would be upped to two nights. This was not acceptable to my dad. He told me "I thought that you gave me your word that you were going to move in with mom." I told him that I never told him that. He gave me the silent treatment throughout the visit and I was in tears. (He's lonely and doesn't like being at the rehab center).


After the visit, my mom said that we will try it once a week and see how it goes. I asked her if I had to move in with her and she said "He's just upset and lonely so he's in a bad mood." and "you don't have to move in with me."


I feel terrible. I feel selfish about what I did, but I don't want to lose my independence. I love my parents, I don't mind doing things for them and visiting with them, but I don't want to give my apartment and move in with them. I have talked about getting help with household chores with them but they refuse (They say it's money that they don't have, but I think it's them being stubborn more than anything). Friends and family have suggested things like help with household chores, even moving to assisted living. My mother tells them that it's her life and she should decide if she goes to assisted living or not.


I just don't know what to do anymore. I been crying on and off for most of the day. Maybe I am being selfish and being a bad child now.



(I also have anxiety and depression as well)

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I agree with all of these, and if the last one wouldn't scare you to death! Hold firm, hold firm, hold firm. Once a week is surely enough; do not let them guilt you - or you guilt yourself... I have to watch this when I tell my mom no about anything,
but if I don't, the limits get pushed and pushed. Holding firm isn't easy, but it's the only way to stay the course, not wear out, and maintain your sanity. Whatever you do, Please don't let your own place go; you'll need it! God bless you sweetie; your heart's in the right place!
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Reply to mally1
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Live your life. Do not feel guilty about living your life. Your parents lived their lives and you also have that right to self determination. Determine what you can and cannot do for them. Do what you can with love. Help them get their financial house in order. Help them get their important paperwork (wills, living wills, durable power of attorney, etc.) in order. Focus on helping them make the right choices for themselves. And if one or both becomes unable to make those choices, step in.

A dear friend - mid 50s - just had to move away. She supported her parents financially for over 10 years, and failed to save for a rainy day or retirement. She visited her parents every month or two. Well, her job got cut and she lost her house. She's living in a garage room in exchange for walking dogs and housekeeping.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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Go back thru the forums and read all the caretakers who started out with good intentions which later grew to resentment of their parents and now regret their decision to either move in with their folks or have their folks move in with them. Once you go there, it becomes even more difficult to escape your predicament. Even if you have a great relationship with your parents, becoming their caretaker will change that relationship and you will end up wishing you had never moved in.
It is fine to help them find other living arrangements, it was their responsibility (not yours) to prepare for their old age/retirement years. Find counseling to help you find the words/ways to avoid going down a road that will sent you to caretaker prison.
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Reply to Dolciani
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Anonymous1256, your family needs to realize that no Assisted Living facility would consider your parents, as your parents are not at the point in their life where they would need 24 hour care.

Does your Mom drive? She might enjoy doing volunteer work to help her gain her self-worth and lessen her depression. I have been doing volunteer work for 40 some years, it is THE best feeling in the world.

I think your Dad is feeling guilty that he isn't at home to help your Mom, and that is understandable. So he is venting his frustration onto you. Asking you to move in with Mom. Be careful, you don't want this to be a permanent move, as your parents are way too young to need a caregiver. I think they would do downhill pretty fast if they stop doing things for themselves.

When will your Dad be coming home? Usually rehab is only 3 weeks or so. I am trying to think if I would be staying with my own Mom, as she didn't like being alone, as she never had been alone in her life. I probably would if she had asked me, but dealing with 80 degree temps in the house would be a challenge. My Mom was in her 90's when my Dad went to rehab for a couple of weeks.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Anonymous1256 Jan 20, 2019
He's talking about being home in a couple of months, that's according to the doctor.
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It is their decision. Until they need more help than you can provide which it sounds like that is the case now. Then...it's not up to them anymore. You're not selfish. Leave that alone. Maybe find the best place for them. And, no offense, but you may not be it. Nothing wrong with that. You're no good to anyone if you're not ok.

And I don't really get all of this sometimes. I would NEVER want my daughter to go through what I've been through with my mother. If this ever happens to me? Find me a nice little spot somewhere. Come visit when you can. She owes me nothing.
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Reply to lynnm12
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Yes, your mother has a choice in whether or not she and dad go into assisted living. But neither she,nor dad get to decide whether or not you provide them with any help, nor sleep over to keep Mum company while Dad is in rehab.

So you are not being selfish. You are setting boundaries. You have said I am willing to do this much for you and I am willing to help arrange for home support.

There is no rule that you have to give up your life, do facilitate your parents aging at home.
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Reply to Tothill
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